It was the fastest shower I had ever taken since he had left. The sooner I finished, the earlier I could talk to Macto – or Eric. I should start calling him by his real name. Eric. I winced involuntarily. This revelation really needed some getting used to.
Have I been subconsciously wishing Macto to be someone else?
My mind would rather not entertain that annoying question.
I drummed my fingers on the table as I impatiently waited for the internet to connect. Was it so bad to have Eric as Macto? Or worse – was it so bad that it wasn't...
Say it, Bella. Say it.
That it wasn't Edward? My heart fluttered traitorously just at the mention of his name. Perhaps my brain would always have that instant reaction to him. Like an effect of classical conditioning or reflex of some sort. I wondered if that could ever be undone.
My IM had finally connected and I instantly checked the online list.
My heart sank. He was offline. I couldn't blame him for being scared out of his wits but I wanted to clarify things between us first before I would allow him to go into hiding.
I rested my forehead on top of my arms on the table. I didn't imagine it to become this difficult. I should have expected to uncover his identity sooner or later but I hadn't foreseen myself to be this distraught. I had been satisfied with a mystery guy. Knowing what was inside the package ruined this fantasy I had built for myself.
A message alert broke my stupor and my head instinctively shot up to read the screen. A series of mixed emotions washed over me that my mind was swirling from the anxiety of generating too much contrasting feelings.
Macto: Bad day today?
Bella_Swan: Couldn't be further from the truth.
I didn't have a good day myself.
Is it because of me?
Partly, yes. But it's alright. I don't blame you.
I smiled. Eric could be a good friend actually.
What do you think of the book?
What book?
I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see it.
Wuthering Heights.
You're too young to have memory gaps, Bella. I told you. I don't like to read unless necessary. And that book certainly doesn't appeal to me.
My hands started to shake. I clasped them together to stop the shaking but they wouldn't obey me so soon.
It wasn't Eric.
I began to type slowly.
How was your lunch today?
I had a big breakfast this morning so I felt no need for lunch. Thanks for asking. How about yours?
That was all the response I needed to answer all the questions I had inside. I had been right. It wasn't Eric. My instincts hadn't been betraying me. Somehow, in the nook and cranny of my heart, I had known that this person wasn't going to disappoint. No matter how difficult it was for me to place logic in everything that had been going on, I knew that this person was going to be my light in the tunnel.
It might not be him. It couldn't be him. But I was thankful that there was Macto to help me resurface from my sea of depression.
I had pasta. Thanks for asking too.
Why are we talking about lunch? Shouldn't it be dinner?
So what did you eat for dinner then?
I was still too full from my breakfast so I didn't have any either.
What did you eat?! A cow?!
Close to that, I guess.
Well, you must be pretty "beefed up".
I scoffed at my comic abilities.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Have you been eating properly now?
Sir, yes, sir!
I like the sound of that.
Well, sir, as much as I want to focus on our little clandestine, I need to switch my undivided attention to something more tempting.
Which is?
My Calculus book. Mr Varner is giving us a chapter test tomorrow.
Go ahead.
I grinned. It wasn't hard to have a friend like Macto.
You know, you don't need to reveal yourself any more. I ceased to care now.
What made you say that?
Just because.
Well, as long as you're not a serial killer prancing around the street, I don't mind knowing you as Macto. Simply Macto.
Waiting for his reply, I stared at the screen. I was amazed at the honesty of my words and as I searched myself, I found them to be exactly how I felt.
It took him a moment to respond that I wondered if I had said something he found guileless.
Thank you, Bella. You just don't realize how much that means to me.
Let's stop the drama now. I really need to burn the midnight oil.
Are you sleepy yet?
I'm not sleepy at all. But I'll leave you to your study. Good luck.
Thanks. See you.
I signed off after that and for a second, debated whether I was going to just sacrifice one test for a good night sleep or not. I decided not to take my chances. I armed myself with a scientific calculator and opened the intimidating book to the forsaken chapter.
After a good two hours, I felt my brain already about to explode. My mind was too fuzzy that it was shouting for sleep. I packed my books into my backpack and strode to the window. It had stopped raining and the smell of wet earth and greenery overflowed my senses.
Imagine if I was a vampire and my sense of smell was magnified tenfold.
I chuckled at myself at the thought. I would never be a vampire anymore. I would grow old, get ma-... Would I ever marry someone who wasn't him? Would I ever love again?! I would rather die. I reworded my thoughts. I would grow old - and die. That would speak of my life. And when I was already old and he suddenly appeared...
Oh, God. I couldn't take that.
I'd be sagging and wrinkled and he would be...young, smooth and magnificent. Again, I would rather die. Or, I would rather he didn't see me.
I stifled a yawn when I thought I saw something flash quickly across the street. I wasn't entirely sure. My senses could be playing tricks on me. I squinted at the darkness before me. My bedroom was facing the forest which looked impenetrably quiet. Like a dark prison where you enter but there was no getting out. My ears strained to listen for more sounds but I could just hear the natural hymn of the wind outside. My body froze at the coldness of the night. Goosebumps started to creep itself up my arms and the back of my neck. I shuddered. I leaned over to reach the windows and pulled them to close.
I climbed the bed, and waited for nightmares to visit me again tonight.