Chapter 9

Tim was flummoxed. He truly had no idea what he was supposed to do. Gibbs wasn't sobbing or anything...but he was crying, silently. It was somehow very wrong for Gibbs to be crying. Tim wanted to cry, but he couldn't seem to let the tears out. Gibbs never cried...until now.

"Boss...uh..." Tim began, not having a clue as to what he was going to say.

Gibbs stood up, grabbed the coffee cup from his tray and walked out of the cafeteria. Tim sat at the table, staring at the empty space where Gibbs had been. He didn't know what to do. Was he supposed to follow him? ...sit here and keep eating? ...something else? He'd been suddenly hurled out of his preoccupation with what had happened. Now...now what? Tentatively, he stood up, grabbing his roll and a couple of other things from the tray. It was ridiculous that he was still hungry...but he was. Then, he squared his shoulders and walked out of the cafeteria, wondering where he'd find Gibbs.

Maybe I should just let Ducky handle this...I'm no good at...whatever. Since he and Gibbs had been with Tony, then Ducky must be with Abby. Tim set off for her room, hoping that he wouldn't have to go inside. It didn't matter what she looked like. Tim couldn't bear seeing Abby broken. He walked to the room, located at the intersection of two hallways. He stood staring at the door. Maybe I won't get Ducky.

"Tim."

Tim looked away from the door down the other hallway. Gibbs was sitting on a chair. Tim hesitantly walked over, still having no clue what to do, what to say.

"Boss...I...I know," Tim said finally.

Gibbs, no longer crying, looked at him. "What do you know?"

"I...I know what you meant...about feeling...helpless." The last word was a mere whisper. "I understand."

"Why?" Gibbs patted the seat beside him. "Why do you understand?"

Tim sat down beside Gibbs, not looking at him. "All I could do..." He swallowed as the memories of the day before washed over him yet again. "All I could do..." he repeated.

Gibbs didn't interrupt or even move.

"I just stood there," Tim said finally. "I watched the building explode...and I didn't do anything."

"There was nothing you could have done."

"When I woke up...I just stood there and looked. I didn't move. I didn't help. There were people around me trying to save the ones inside. I just stood there. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save anyone. Lara...she was right inside the doors. I couldn't...I just..." Tim felt like his heart was going to explode.

"Lara must have died instantly, Tim. The bomb exploded just about right over her head. There was nothing you could have done."

"You were helping. You were digging people out. I just stood there. All I could do was stand there. I watched...I watched when Michelle died. I just stood there...and then, I left."

"You didn't hear them call the time of death?" There was a hint of something in Gibbs' voice.

"No. They cracked open her chest...there was so much blood. I just...I heard the monitor flat-line. I watched them try to revive her...and I couldn't do anything!"

"Tim, you're not a doctor. There's nothing you could have done."

"No...nothing good I could do."

"What do you mean?"

Gibbs' voice was fading into the background again. Tim stared blindly across the hall.

"I killed Ziva."

"No, you didn't." The words were spoken flatly, and Tim knew that Gibbs had no idea what he had done.

"Yes...yes, I did." Tim was still whispering because he knew that the only other option was to scream.

"It was a bomb that killed Ziva. Get that into your head, Tim."

"No...it was me." Tim shook his head and with each shake he felt the tears coming closer and closer, ready to burst out of him. "She...she called me...while I was stuck in traffic. She called and I...I told her how to...to avoid it so that she wouldn't...be...so that she wouldn't be...late for work." Tim began to cry, not silently as Gibbs had done, but with soul-tearing sobs. He leaned forward, his head sinking down to the point that his chin was resting on his chest. His shoulders hunched in pain. Wracked with guilt, his hands moved first to his head and then in tight fists around his torso. "She'd still be alive...it's my fault. I killed Ziva."

Through his tears, Tim thought he heard a sigh.

"I see," Gibbs said. "You're wrong, Tim."

Tim didn't listen. "I killed Ziva. Lara might have been waiting for me just inside the door. Maybe she'd be alive if...if I hadn't been there. I ignored a call from Tony. What if he would have been safe if I'd answered?" Tim began to rock back and forth in agitation.

Gibbs put his arms around Tim and held him tightly. "Why didn't I make Tony get me coffee instead of getting it myself when he spilled it? Why didn't I send Ziva down to help Abby? Tim, these are questions with no answers. Do you know how many times I've wished that someone in the Navy had died yesterday...just so that we could have been safe? One dead person to save my team? Jimmy would have been out there checking the body. Ziva, Tony, you and me...we'd all have been on the scene...safe because someone else died."

"Why? Why did they die?" Tim sobbed. Then, he asked the more important question. "Why wasn't I inside?"

"Because it wasn't your time to go."

"I was on the sidewalk. Why didn't I walk faster? I thought about it. I was going to run...and I didn't. I...I figured there was no point."

"Tim...that doesn't mean it was your fault." Gibbs grabbed Tim by the shoulders and stared him down, forcing Tim to look at him. "You listen to me and get this into your head. You did not kill anyone. You did not plant the bombs that destroyed NCIS. Your actions or inactions did not kill anyone. Ziva may have made it to work on time because you were nice enough to give her a tip...but Ziva, being the driver she is, probably would have found a way regardless." Tim gave a small laugh in the midst of his tears. Gibbs was breathing deeply, as if holding back his own tears. "It is not your fault that Abby and Tony are injured. It's not your fault that Ziva is dead. It's not your fault that the people in MTAC and in Intel are dead. It's not your fault, Tim. The people to blame are the ones who planted those bombs. Those are the people to blame. Those people are guilty. Not you. Not me. Not Ducky. Not any of the survivors. We are not to blame. You hear me?"

Tim closed his eyes and nodded.

"Are we clear?"

Tim inhaled shakily. "C-Clear, Boss."

"Good. Now, we're going to go in and visit Abby."

"I can't. I can't do it," Tim protested, looking stricken. "I can't see her, Boss. I can't..." His face crumpled. "I can't see her like that...not when I'm..."

Gibbs stood up, grabbed Tim by the arm, and propelled him to Abby's door. "Abby would want you with her, Tim. She would not want you acting like you're unhurt...because anyone looking at you knows it's a lie."

"Boss...I..."

"No. Get in there." Gibbs opened the door, startling Ducky out of a contemplative pose as he pushed Tim into the room. "Ducky, I need to talk to you," Gibbs said imperiously. "Sit!" he added to Tim.

The two men followed Gibbs' orders and Tim tentatively sat beside Abby's bed, looking as though he was afraid of her. Ducky walked out into the hall.

"What is it, Jethro? Has something happened?"

"Did you see the casualty list?"

"Not yet. I haven't had the heart."

"All right. Could you go and sit with Tony?"

"Is Timothy all right?"

"No. He's not, but I know what's bothering him...specifically."

"What's that?"

"He blames himself for Ziva dying because he helped her avoid the traffic jam that made him late for work."

"Oh dear." Ducky looked back at the room.

"He's let it spiral into blaming himself for Tony and Lara and Ziva and...probably he'd find a way to blame himself for everyone who died." Gibbs sighed again. "I know I can't save everyone, Ducky, but I want to save the ones who can still be saved. I don't want to stand around and wait for them to either sort themselves out or die." Then, he walked off down the hall.

"Jethro! Where are you going?"

"I have something to check!" he tossed back over his shoulder without stopping.

Ducky watched him leave and looked toward Abby's room again. This situation didn't seem to be improving, although he wasn't sure why he thought it would be yet. Echoing Gibbs' sigh, he turned away from Abby's room and headed back to Tony.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It was like slowly swimming up from the bottom of the ocean...complete with the intolerable pain and pressure that usually accompanied such a foolhardy effort. Then, he wondered why he was comparing what he felt to swimming when he was fairly certain that there had been no water involved in whatever had happened to him.

...or maybe it did. He wasn't in much of a position to know...but he could be if he opened his eyes. Cracking his lids, Tony tried to focus on the shape looming over him. Gradually, he became aware of a droning voice...Ducky!

"Ducky..." he said, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably. I sound terrible. "Ducky...what's up?" Tony blinked a few times and thought about smiling when Ducky broke off whatever story he'd been telling and grinned broadly.

"Tony! Well...I...I am speechless. Welcome back, my boy."

"For...someone who's...speechless, you sure...seem to be saying a lot," Tony gasped. He was surprised by the tears in Ducky's eyes. "What...happened, Ducky?"

"You don't remember?"

"Wouldn't be...asking if I did."

"Maybe you should just rest."

"That bad?"

He blinked again and Ducky finally resolved into the non-blurry Scotsman Tony knew. He could tell Ducky was trying to make a decision.

"Yes, Tony. It is that bad. It's worse."

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure you want to know."

"I'm pretty sure...I don't, but...tell me. Please, Ducky."

"Someone planted a bomb at Headquarters."

"What?" Tony was shocked. "How bad?"

"There's nothing left, Tony. The entire building was leveled."

"No."

"I'm afraid so."

"How many?"

"I don't know the numbers."

"You know something, though, don't you." Tony was starting to really freak out now. "Am I the...am I the only one who survived?"

"No."

"Who made it?"

"Jethro and myself...Timothy, although he was injured. Most of Legal got out, although they lost a few. Cybercrimes was all right. Injured but only a couple died."

"Ziva?" Tony asked, although he knew the answer since Ducky hadn't listed her.

"She's dead."

Tony's mind reeled.

"As is Jimmy and Michelle...Jenny, Cynthia, all of MTAC, all of Intel who was on duty...Lovitz and his team didn't make it. The mail room...most of them died as well."

Even though he knew it was a cliched reaction, Tony felt his mouth drop open and he felt the tears on his cheeks even though he wasn't aware of crying.

"Abby?"

"She's alive."

"That doesn't sound good."

"She's in a coma, but the doctors think she'll make it."

"Who did it?" Tony asked desperately.

"We don't know yet. Everyone is involved."

"Is that where Gibbs is?"

"No. He's here...somewhere. He hasn't left since he got Timothy to come."

"What?"

Ducky's eyes were shadowed. "I will explain later. For now, I had better get your doctor to come and look at you. This is wonderful, Tony. I am so glad you have finally rejoined us." He stood up to leave.

"Wait, Ducky..." Tony protested.

Ducky put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I am truly grateful, Tony. Every survivor makes us all stronger." Then, he left.

As he lay there waiting, Tony suddenly realized that he hadn't asked about himself. It must have been bad since Ducky seemed so relieved that he was awake. Tony ached in places he hadn't even known existed...like his soul.

NCIS is gone! He said it in his head, but he couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that the building he'd worked in for seven years was gone. ...and Ziva was dead. Like Kate. Like Paula.

"No..." Tony said and felt the tears again. Too many. Too many had died. The ones who made it...

We're scarred...for life.