Chapter 16

Tim walked. He didn't care really where he was going because the destination didn't matter. He knew he'd end up in the same place regardless of where he set out to go. There really was only one place that drew him, only one place he could be...and that was what tore him apart. That was why he needed to run...and simultaneously, why he couldn't run. Anywhere he went would feel like another world...and staying here was slowly killing him. He recognized it now. He felt powerless to stop it. There were moments...like when Gibbs had stayed with him at the Yard for nearly an hour, not leaving him alone that time...those moments when he felt the faint stirrings of hope Ducky so wanted to awaken in him. There just weren't enough of them to keep him from feeling like he was dying inside.

So he walked, not paying any attention but knowing at the same time where he was heading. That was it really. Tim felt that for the last five years his whole life had been tangled up in NCIS. There was little else outside it. Even his writing depended on his NCIS work. Without NCIS, he felt like he had nothing else...and NCIS was gone...but, like a man in a desert, he kept returning to the mirage in the hopes that just once it would be real.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"I thought for sure he'd be on the Yard," Tony said in frustration.

"As did I. I guess we'll have to try the hospital. Jethro did say he was on his way, correct?"

"Yeah, but not even Gibbs can drive from Norfolk to DC in ten minutes."

"I would wager that he will get as close to that number as he can."

Tony smiled as he stared out the window. "You're right."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim's feet took him on his way and he didn't feel the slightest bit of surprise when he realized he was only a mile away from the Yard. He had known that was where he was going.

My problem is that every time I think I might heal, I deliberately stab myself again, Tim thought to himself. It was ridiculous that he would keep coming back to look, to relive every terrible, guilt-ridden moment. It couldn't change anything. It couldn't help. It could only hurt him again...and again...and again...

...but still...he did it. The Yard loomed closer and closer and Tim felt his chest constrict, as if someone had tied a rope around his ribs and was slowly tightening it...slowly but inexorably until that moment when he wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. Still, he walked.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Eyes open, expecting...what? A heavy weight...or was it a hand...or a kiss.

Eyelids blinking and vision clearing...but not memory.

Eyes shifting to the right, to the left. Quiet.

The other hand...a soft...weight. Eyes shifting once again, down.

Stars.

She was holding stars in her hand.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Wait! Wait, there! Do you see, Ducky?"

"Where?"

"There, on the sidewalk, just down the street! That looks like McGee, doesn't it?"

"I do believe it does. So, he walked this time, did he?"

"Let me out. I want to talk to him."

"Tony, you won't–"

"I don't need to walk the whole way, but he's been avoiding me and I'm tired of it. McGee won't be able to keep walking away from an invalid. He's too good for that," Tony said with a sad smile on his face.

"You are a good man, as well, Tony," Ducky said as he pulled over to the sidewalk. "Don't forget that."

Tony just hitched one shoulder in response as he got out of the car. Ducky pushed the walker out the back door and watched as Tony grasped it firmly and pushed it down the sidewalk. He knew how much of a sacrifice this was for Tony, being seen with a walker. No matter how much he joked, he really did hate it. It would take something serious...like Tim's current mental status to get him to reveal such a weakness.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Stars. Lots of stars. She blinked again and they resolved into small pink flowers. Where had they come from?

She looked around the room again, took a breath and wondered what was going on. She knew that she had expected someone to be there...wherever she was. She wasn't sure at first who she thought would be there. Then, she remembered...

In a voice soft from extended disuse, she whispered, "Tony?"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"McGee! Wait up!" Tony called to the figure walking slowly ahead of him. He watched with satisfaction as Tim stopped and looked back in surprise...and then, disbelief at the sight of Tony hobbling toward him. "Come on, man, have a heart!"

Tim walked slowly toward him and Tony saw the confusion. "Tony, what are you doing out here?"

"What are you? You left your car at the hospital."

"Just walking."

"Me, too...but I'm tired. Can't we sit?"

Tim looked back. The Yard was only a few blocks away, and Tony could see that Tim wanted to keep going, but, as he had predicted, Tim nodded, unable to leave Tony standing alone on the sidewalk.

"What is it, Tony?"

"I should be asking you that question. Tell me what's going on." He held out the necklace and was surprised when Tim actually seemed ashamed. "I don't get you, McGee. It's been a month and suddenly you don't want what Ziva left for you?"

Tim took the star and stared at it. "I don't deserve it."

"It's not about deserving, McGee. It's a gift. You don't deserve gifts."

"It's not that, Tony."

"Then, what is it, Tim? Help me out, here, because I'm not getting it. I can't understand what it is that you're saying."

"I should be getting over all this, you know," Tim said, leaning forward, still looking only at the necklace. "It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be...feeling the way I am...but I am, Tony. I'm still feeling it, but..."

"What are you feeling?"

"I want to run away," Tim whispered. "I go to the hospital every day and I talk to Abby, but I know she can't hear me. I go and I talk to Michelle and I see in her all the strength I don't have. Then...every day...I have to come back here. I can't explain why. I just do. I can't stay away, but I want to. I really, really want to, Tony."

Tony pushed his walker out of the way and grabbed Tim's shoulder. "I wish I could help you, Tim...I just don't know how."

"Can you give me a ride to NCIS?"

"McGee..."

"Please, Tony."

Tony could see that Tim would just go there himself if he refused; so he nodded and signaled for Ducky to come. Tim smiled at little when he saw Ducky looking out of Tony's car and Tony grinned as well.

"We couldn't go searching for you in his antique," he said.

"I don't understand why you were searching for me in the first place," Tim replied as he got in the back seat.

"Where to?" Ducky asked. "I suppose it's too much to hope for a 'Home, James!' reply?"

"To the Yard," Tony said with a sigh.

"I thought as much. Off we go."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

She remembered pain, a lot of pain hitting her in the face. She remembered being trapped, remembered hearing Tony at first. But she also remembered Tony going quiet.

"Tony?" she whispered again.

She remembered the weight, that awful weight pressing down on her from every angle...and the pain that accompanied it.

"Hello?"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Why do you insist on coming back here, Timothy?" Ducky asked when they reached Willard Park.

"I can't explain it, Ducky. I wish I could, but I can't."

"Try."

Tim scooted over so that there was room for Tony on the bench and he stared at the ruins (now more like a big hole in the ground) with the same expression as he had stared at Ziva's necklace.

"I'm not hearing anything, Probie," Tony said softly after a few minutes.

"I can't leave, but I want to leave. I can't stay, but I need to." Tim ran both hands through his hair and stood up, pacing back and forth. "Don't you get it?" He pointed at the empty space but didn't halt his anxious movements. "If I stay here any longer it's going to kill me, but I can't leave! I can't go and I can't stay...and I just don't know what to do anymore." He paused in his pacing and looked back at where NCIS should have been. "I come here and I can barely bring myself to look...but I can't not look. NCIS is my life...and I feel like it's been taken away." Tim turned away from the sight and looked at the two men, his friends, closer friends now than they had ever been before this tragedy. He shook his head and spread his hands. "I don't know what to do."

Ducky stood and walked to Tim, looking him in the eye. "Timothy, were you intending to commit suicide?"

Tim didn't act surprised or angry or guilty...just tired. "No. No, I wasn't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to?"

"Sometimes."

That matter-of-fact admission was a surprise, and it shocked Ducky and Tony into silence. Tim turned back to the building site for a few seconds before his shoulders hunched as if he were in pain and he rejoined Tony on the bench.

Ducky looked at the site as well, wondering if there really was any solution for Tim's dilemma...when suddenly, he had an idea.

"Timothy...have you considered asking for a transfer?"

The response to that question was immediately negative...from both Tony and Tim. Ducky smiled and held up his hand to still the outcry.

"I'm not talking about anything permanent. Timothy, if you are being hurt by remaining here, perhaps you need some time away to heal."

"I can't leave, Ducky!"

"A temporary transfer would not require you to leave NCIS. Do you understand? You would still be doing your job, but you would be separated from what is causing you pain...at least for a while." Tim looked ready to protest once more. "Just think about it, Timothy. I am merely offering you an option." His phone rang then and he stood up and walked away to answer.

Tony looked at Tim. "You're not really going to think about it, are you?"

Tim wouldn't look at Tony.

"You are, aren't you. You're actually considering leaving."

Tim didn't answer.

"That is wonderful news," Ducky said, a smile on his face. "Yes, we will be right over. Thank you very much!" He hung up and looked at Tony and Tim. "Abigail has finally rejoined us."

Tony stood too quickly, lost his balance and would have fallen if Tim hadn't been beside him to steady him.

"She's awake?" Tony asked.

"Yes...and asking for you, albeit in a whisper."

"She's asking for me?"

"Yes, Tony. You were the last person she saw, remember."

"Oh...yeah." While he'd never forget much of what had happened over the last month, his time buried under the ruins of NCIS was only the stuff of his dreams...nightmares. His conscious memory was only of a momentary fear and then darkness. "Well, let's go!"

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs was driving much too fast. He always did, but the call from Tony had only served to make him more reckless...and Norfolk was so far away from DC. He still had an hour left when his phone rang again.

"What is it, Tony?" he asked.

"Boss, Abby's awake!"

The rapidity with which Gibbs was forced to switch tracks almost made him swerve. "What about McGee?"

"He's with us."

"How is he?" he asked, but his foot let up slightly off the gas pedal.

"Been better, but...he's coming with us."

That wasn't the whole story, but if Tim was with them, then at least he wouldn't have to worry about finding Tim's body in Willard Park. That event was all too easy to picture in his mind.

"Okay, I'll meet you there."

"Right, Boss." Tony's voice sounded so relieved that Gibbs found himself relaxing a tad. He hung up and let out a sigh. The sigh became more than a sigh and he had to pull over.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Abby was crying, her half-healed face scrunched up in grief as she greeted, for the first time, the reality that everyone had been dealing with for over a month. Tony hugged her from his precarious perch on the edge of her bed.

"You're sure they're all dead?" she asked, her voice raspy. "It's not a mistake?"

"It's not a mistake, Abbs," Tony said softly. "I've...been in churches more in the last month than I'd been in my entire life."

Abby tried to laugh but she couldn't and even Tony mustered only a half-smile.

"Ziva left you something, Abigail," Ducky said, pulling the package from its place in the corner. "Would you like to see what it is right now? Or would you prefer to wait?"

Abby shook her head. "Let me see."

Tony made as if to let her go, but she leaned into him. She and Tim hadn't yet said anything beyond hello. Granted, Tim wasn't saying much, but for the moment, Abby seemed so relieved that Tony was alive she wasn't really noticing anyone else...but she still had the flower in her hand.

"There is a note," Ducky said, handing it to Tony while he opened it. When the gift was revealed, Abby started to laugh...and cry.

"What does the note say?"

Tony cleared his throat and read, "'Abby, I was thinking that perhaps Bert might need a fellow stuffed friend for when you are busy. This is my friend Namir. I kept him with me for when I felt alone, when I was afraid of the dark. Perhaps, occasionally, you may do the same.'"

It was a spotted leopard, obviously old and worn. It did not make any noise.

"Bert's gone, isn't he?" Abby asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Ducky said.

Abby reached out for the leopard and pulled it to her, hugging it tightly. "Then, Namir will have to take his place." She finally let go of Tony and whispered, "Hello, Namir." The flower fell to the blanket as she hugged the stuffed leopard.

"What's that?" Tony asked.

"What?" Abby asked.

"This...thing...er, flower."

"Oh, I don't know. I was holding it when I woke up."

"It's called Stars of Persia," Ducky said, with a glance at Tim who had still not said a word. "They're quite lovely."

"I do like it," Abby said. "It's kind of weird, but pretty."

"Good," Tim said softly.

"Is this from you, Tim?" Abby asked, finally looking at him.

Tim nodded.

"Thanks," she said and reached out an arm for him.

Tim approached cautiously as if afraid of being rejected at the last moment, but then he hugged Abby tightly without speaking. When he let her go, he was shaking a little. No one got a chance to comment on it because the door opened and Gibbs came in, almost running. He didn't let anyone speak. He just grabbed Abby and hugged her to him.

"Welcome back, Abbs," he said.

"Thanks, Gibbs."

Only Tony saw Tim slip out.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Acting Director Vance looked up from his temporary office at the sound of the knock on his door. He kept using the terms "Acting" and "temporary" because he was hoping that none of it would become permanent...but he knew it was probably a useless wish.

"Come in." The man who entered was not the person he'd been expecting. "Agent McGee...what can I do for you?"

"Director...I'd like to request a transfer."

That was a surprise. "Where to?"

"Anywhere that isn't here."