Chapter 17

Vance leaned back and stared at Tim for a few moments. "Would you mind telling me why?"

"Because I need to leave."

He'd seen people on the brink before. It wasn't uncommon in a job like this...and it hadn't been uncommon in the military either. Some men were just built that way. It wasn't weakness. In fact, Vance thought it was a sign of strength that many of them held on for as long as they did. Although he didn't know Tim very well, he could tell that Tim was so close to the brink he might as well be falling over the edge.

"Have a seat, Agent McGee. Tell me why you need to leave."

Tim's eyes were darting around the office and he looked both ashamed and desperate. He felt as though he was running away and yet he wanted to as well. Vance suppressed a sigh. This was a problem with no easy solution.

"Please, sir. I don't want it to be forever...I just...I need to get away from this place."

"Have you thought about taking some leave time? I know you have quite a bit saved up. You could go and see your family."

"No! I need to work...I just can't do it here." Tim looked ready to break down in tears.

Vance was about to remind him that they needed everyone they could get to continue their work in the temporary headquarters, but one look in Tim's eyes told him that would be a cruel reminder...and one that was totally unnecessary.

"Well, let me look into it, Agent McGee. I think we'll be able to find you something. It might take some time, maybe a week or so. Is that all right?"

Tim nodded. "Yes, sir. That's fine." He started to stand.

"Wait, Agent McGee."

Tim sank back to his chair.

"How are you doing?"

Tim gripped the arms of the chair and stared hard at the blotter on Vance's desk.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not, Agent McGee. You are asking me to send you away from all your friends, from your home. You're not fine."

Tim took a long breath and Vance could tell it was taking all his strength to keep from crying.

"I'm not fine," he agreed. "I'm falling apart...and I will if I stay here any longer."

"Won't you miss your friends?"

"Yes."

"Your coworkers?"

"Yes."

"But you still want to go."

Now, Tim looked up, his eyes glistening. "If I stay here, I'll leave anyway."

Finally, Vance really understood. He nodded. "Agent McGee, I'm approving your request, but it will take some time. You are seeing a therapist?"

Tim nodded.

"Not helping?"

"Not enough."

"Okay. You can go."

Tim nodded again and got up. "Thank you, sir."

"You're welcome, Agent McGee." Vance watched him go and then sighed. He had lost sixty-one employees, several of them the most experienced and most promising at Headquarters. Another twelve had resigned. Fifteen had requested permanent transfers to other offices. He had, all in all, nearly 100 people to replace...and a new building to oversee, along with managing the day-to-day operations of NCIS all over the world. Tim's plight was another added problem, but one that had to be dealt with right away...otherwise, he'd have to replace another invaluable employee. He began to search for a place where Tim's skills would be useful, but where he could have the time to recover. He found one fairly quickly, but first, he had some calls to make.

"Hello, this is NCIS Acting Director Leon Vance," he said, grimacing at the lengthy title, "I would like to speak to Dr. Tingey if he's available. Yes, it's about a patient he is treating. Yes, I'll hold."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Gibbs, you're squashing me," Abby said in her raspy voice. No one had mentioned to her yet how mangled her face still looked. It was healing and so was she. She didn't need to know...not yet. She could already see enough of herself.

"Wow, that's usually the other way around," Tony commented. Ever since he'd seen Tim slink out, it had been all he could do not to follow after him. "I'm not sure I like this trend."

Abby laughed...and then, yawned. "Man, you'd think after all the sleeping I've done that I wouldn't be so tired." Then, unaccountably, her eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe I missed all that. I missed you guys...getting better. I missed...missed the funerals." She hugged Namir more tightly.

Gibbs had eased his grip, but he had taken Tony's place on the bed, giving Tony a chance to sit in a real chair and rest his still weak body. Abby now leaned heavily against him.

"You know...when I first opened my eyes...I thought that everyone else might be dead. I mean, obviously you're not...but...there was no one here. It was just me...and I thought...what if I'm the only one alive?" She sniffled again. "But then, the doctor came in and called you all...and you all came. And I knew it would okay." She smiled, her face crinkling up in awkward shapes. She reached up to wipe away a tear and felt the healing lacerations. "What happened to me?" she asked. The moment was gone where she might have noticed that someone was missing.

"You were buried in the rubble for nearly a day, Abbs," Gibbs said. "You and Tony, both."

"But...my face feels weird. It feels wrong."

"Abigail, what do you remember of the explosion?" Ducky asked, gently.

"Not much," Abby said, still feeling her face. "I remember feeling the building shake...and then, everything falling on top of me."

"Yes, well, the debris crushed many of the bones in your face. The doctors were required to perform some extensive facial reconstruction. It is now healing, but it will feel strange for a long time...and although most of the scarring will fade, I'm afraid that not all will."

"I'm deformed?" Abby asked, her voice small and frightened.

"No," Tony said firmly. "You're not deformed, Abby."

"Promise?"

"You look injured," Ducky said. "I will not deny that, but no, you do not look deformed, and over time, even the injuries now will fade to faint scars. All your senses are working. You have nothing to worry about."

"You sure?" Abby asked.

"Positive," Gibbs said, still holding her. "If you're tired, go to sleep. Someone will be here when you wake up."

Abby looked up at Gibbs and smiled. "Namir will be here...and it doesn't matter if anyone is here right when I wake up...because I know you'll come." Then, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

"Where's McGee?" Gibbs asked as soon as he was sure Abby wouldn't hear him.

"He left...a while ago," Tony said. "I wanted to go after him, but...I couldn't. Abby needed us, too."

Gibbs sighed as he eased Abby down onto the bed, Namir secure in her arms. He looked at Ducky. "I understand now, Ducky. I'll admit I didn't get it before." He looked at Abby. "Now, I do. I'll be back."

The door open and then closed.

"He going after McGee?" Tony asked.

"I would assume so, Tony. Would you like to return to Gibbs' place?"

Tony looked at Abby. "No. I'll stay here for a while. No matter what she said, Abby would rather have someone here when she wakes up."

"Very well. I am going to check on Michelle. She's being moved in a few days."

"We'll have to make sure we play Scrabble again," Tony said softly. He sighed. "This all still sucks, Ducky. I don't know. I guess I thought it would get better once Abby woke up...but it's not. I mean, it is better, just not..."

"I don't know if it will ever be all better, Tony. There are too many holes, but it will get better little by little...I hope."

Tony looked at Abby for a few seconds and then turned back to Ducky. "Why did you tell McGee to leave?"

"Because he needs to know that he can."

"But he can't!" Tony said. "We need him! Abby will need him. Gibbs needs him. You need him...I do...We need the team together, not broken up."

"I agree, but you know as well as I do that Timothy is not getting better."

"He just needs time...and now that Abby's awake..." Tony trailed off remembering Tim's reaction to even touching her.

"We all need to heal in our own ways, Tony. The problem is that those ways sometimes are in conflict. You need him here. He needs to be away."

"What about you, Ducky?"

"Me? I heal best by seeing others around me heal. When I need to, I will be sure to get alone. I am not inured to loss, I assure you. It's better for me to know that I am helping. It helps me keep a good perspective."

"And Gibbs?"

Ducky smiled. "Ah, Gibbs. Once he has assuaged his own guilt, he will be able to begin healing, but until this moment, I don't believe he actually understood why he felt guilty. More's the pity because it hurt more than just him."

"Are you saying that what happened to McGee is his fault?" Tony asked, a little angry.

"No! Not by any means. I believe that Timothy would have been having difficulty regardless, simply because of the manner in which he was injured...but I would be lying if I said that I didn't think Gibbs had something to do with it. Timothy is complicated...as is Gibbs. Put them together?"

"A black hole of complexity?" Tony quipped.

"Exactly. Don't bring up Timothy leaving unless he does. It's his right, remember."

Tony nodded but didn't answer. After Ducky left, he turned back to Abby.

"I'm glad you're back, Abbs. We needed you," he said quietly.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim stumbled out of the temporary headquarters in a daze, not noticing anyone or anything around him.

I did it. I actually did it. I went and asked for a transfer. I'm such a weakling.

Tim knew, in part, that it wasn't weakness so much as desperation. He couldn't see what else there was left to do...except for what Ducky and Tony had feared. He lived every moment wondering why he hadn't been the one inside. Convulsively, he shoved his hand into his pocket and gripped Ziva's necklace. When he noticed his surroundings again, he was back at Willard Park, staring blankly at site. When he looked at it, he didn't see the gaping hole in the ground that now dominated the landscape. What he saw was the explosion...over and over. He dreamed of it at night, only in his nightmares there were people at the windows, screaming...melting away into nothing. In reality, he hadn't seen anything beyond that strange slow-motion rippling. He replayed the final moments he had spent with all the people who had died. Had he ever hurt one of them and not made up for it?

His mind turned back again to the fact that he had requested to leave here. When Ducky had suggested it, it had been an automatic reaction to resist the idea, but then, as Tony had continued to protest, he had felt an inward sense of relief at the thought of leaving. It wasn't an idea that gave him any comfort, but he couldn't come here and torture himself if he wasn't close to it.

Tim turned around, facing the Anacostia instead of the construction site. It wasn't enough, but he couldn't leave yet. He didn't feel strong enough to fight against the compulsion he felt to come back here day after day. It was self-mutilation, pure and simple. He was tearing himself apart by coming here, but he couldn't seem to do anything else. He went to speak to Abby and it hurt at every moment, but he did it. He went and talked with Michelle and it made him uncomfortable and guilty...but he did it. They needed him to be able to do these things. They needed him to be getting better...

"But I'm not," Tim said to the empty air. "I'm not."

"You're not what?"

Tim almost could have laughed. Almost. It seemed like Gibbs had this ability to turn up whenever Tim was alone...except for that one time...but that shouldn't matter.

"Nothing," he said.

"That's a pretty big lie," Gibbs said and sat down beside Tim, only facing the hole instead of the river.

"No, it's the truth." Tim didn't turn around and Gibbs didn't seem eager to face him either.

"Tim...why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I wish I knew."

"Okay, then, why don't you tell me why I got a call from Ducky and Tony earlier today and with them afraid you were about to kill yourself?"

"They overreacted. That's all."

"You weren't planning on it?"

"No."

"Not right then, anyway?" Gibbs asked, a slight lift in his voice, and Tim could imagine him smiling humorlessly.

"No. Not right then."

"Why did you try to give Tony Ziva's necklace?"

"I didn't want it."

"Why not?"

"Will you take it?" Tim asked. Now, he turned around, avoiding looking at the building. He held out his hand, clenched tight around the necklace. "Please, Boss."

Gibbs looked at Tim's fist and opened it. Tim had been holding it so tightly that there was star imprinted in his palm.

"No, McGee. I won't take it."

"Why not?" Tim asked.

"Because it would be wrong."

"I've tried to throw it away, but I can't. I tried to give it to Tony, but he gave it back. Why won't you take it from me?"

"Why don't you want it?"

"Because..." Tim stared at the broken star in his hand, at the red imprint on his palm. "...because it hurts me to have it."

Gibbs took the necklace and looked at it.

"Why?"

"I don't know why. I just know that it does...just like being here and seeing this hurts."

"Then, why do you come?"

"Because I have to."

"Why, though?"

"I don't know!" Tim turned back to the Anacostia.

"I understand some things now, Tim. I shouldn't have left you at the hospital."

"That's not your..."

"Maybe. Maybe not. I left you. Abby was alone when she woke up, but the difference is that she could immediately be comforted by knowing someone would come. You didn't have that. You got left by yourself. I remember what you said...that you thought we must all be dead."

"But you weren't."

"No, but we weren't there, either. Some of us couldn't be...others...just weren't. As soon as Abby woke up, the doctors called us and we all came running. Sometimes...sometimes the people who need it, don't get it."

Tim sighed. "That's not what this is about."

"Not all, maybe, but..." Gibbs didn't turn around. "...but whether you want to admit it or not, it's a part of it. You're still thinking about being alone."

"I'm not alone."

"Yeah, you are, McGee. You're alone in your head. The problem is that none of us can fix that, no matter how much we might want to."

"I know," Tim said. "I know."

"It's not this necklace that's hurting you. It's you."

"I know."

"Then, take it back."

Tim opened his hand, the same one he'd been holding it in before...and the marks from the points of the star were still red.

"I said take it. Don't just let me give it to you."

Tim hesitated and then took the necklace. It was so small, so delicate.

Gibbs' voice was brusque. "You're letting things happen to you, McGee. You can't heal until you do something for yourself."

Tim didn't answer. He just stared at the bent and blackened Star of David.

"You drove?"

"Yes."

"Don't stay here all night."

"I won't."

Gibbs softened. "You're not alone, McGee."

"I know."

Gibbs sighed and left Tim alone...but no more alone than he had been before.

Tim stayed on the bench for a long time, looking at the star. The sun sank toward the horizon, reddening, seeming to grow larger as its light was refracted through the atmosphere. Finally, Tim got up and left.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Four days later...

"Come in, Agent McGee," Vance said. "Have a seat."

Tim sat down.

"I found a place for you."

"Where?"

"FLETC down in Glynco is in need of a temporary instructor for one of their courses on computer forensics. I understand you have a master's degree in that field."

"Yes."

"How would you feel about taking that on?"

Tim thought about it. "I don't know. I don't know if I'd be a good teacher."

"What's your yardstick for that? Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo?"

Tim gave a rueful smile.

"They're hardly the people you should be measuring yourself against. These are people who will need to pass the course in order to graduate. What do you think?"

"How long?"

"The regular instructor is going out on maternity leave. That gives you three months."

Tim hesitated.

"Let me warn you, Agent McGee, that if you accept this, you do need to go through with it. I pulled a few strings to get you considered for this. They were very impressed with your background and your experience. However, if you say yes and then back out, their estimation of NCIS in general is liable to go down significantly. So...do you want it?"

Tim considered. If anything was going to save him from this wreck he'd become, it wasn't going to be found here, where he was still addicted to the Yard. It would take more than his friends, as wonderful as they were. It would take more...and here, he didn't have more to give. But there was so much he was leaving behind, even if it was only for three months. Would they forgive him for running away? Would they understand his weakness?

"Well?"

Tim took a deep breath and opened his mouth to answer...