THANK YOU REVIWERS! All…….. four……… of them. Your comments are much appreciated!
Disclaimer: No, I still do not own Artemis Fowl or any related items. Nor do I own Big Brother.
Problem Solving
Police Plaza, Haven City
A month after Artemis Fowl's mysterious phone call and all was normal at LEP Police Plaza…
"Foaly! What the hell is this?" bellowed Commander Root as he stormed into Ops. Today his face was a purplish-red, almost magenta, his nostrils were flared and his eyeballs were bulging alarmingly. If the centaur had seen his superior's expression, he might have reconsidered the smart comment he was about to make.
"I know I'm a genius Julius but you can't always rely on me to solve all your problems…" It was at this moment that Foaly turned to face Root. He chuckled nervously. "I mean, how can I help you Commander?"
The veins on Root's forehead were contorting like snakes before a snake charmer. Now was definitely not the time to be making jokes! Picking up the piece of paper the commander had thrust towards him, Foaly tried not to laugh as the abnormally angry elf fought to control his temper. This impulse was not helped by what he read. It was an advert and certainly not a subtle one.
"It would appear to be an advert for volunteers to live in the, ah, 'Big Brother Establishment'."
"I guessed that pony-boy!" exploded Root. "What exactly is this Big Brother thing and why was it stuck to the door of my office?" Before the centaur could reply two more elves dashed into the room. Both looked excited and both were clutching a copy of the advert.
"Foaly, have you seen this-" Captain Holly Short stopped abruptly when she saw the commander (quivering with anger like an egg in a frying pan) and, more importantly, his facial expression. She desperately tried to back-pedal- only to find herself entangled with Trouble Kelp. The pair collapsed on the tiled floor, their helpless laughter too much for the enraged Root.
"Someone had better tell me what the HELL is going on or I'll have all three of you thrown in Howler's Peak!"
"Wh-what for Commander?" stuttered Holly, though her brain (and ears) instantly regretted it.
"For being BLOODY ANNOYING, Captain Short!" Things might have deteriorated further had Foaly not provided a distraction.
"You were asking about Big Brother, sir?" said Foaly, using a tone normally reserved for the terminally insane. The commander got a grip on his rage.
"Yes. I was. And if these cretinous captains would shut up, perhaps you could finish explaining?" Instant silence. The centaur cleared his throat.
"Well then. I've done some research and it looks as if Doctor Argon is the fairy behind this." Frowning, Root pulled out a cigar.
"Argon? That witch doctor?"
"The very same. But I don't think he's alone. You see, Big Brother is a Mud Man television programme. People are chosen to live in a house that is monitored by cameras which record their every move. The viewers vote them off until there is a winner. It's very popular." Trouble snorted.
"Sounds like a load of-"
"Did you say it was a Mud Man programme?" interrupted Holly.
"Yes. That's why I don't think he's acting alone."
"You mean…" Root didn't need to finish his sentence.
"Who else could it be?" said Holly, her eyes narrowing. "There's only one of the Mud People capable of this: Artemis Fowl." Trouble, who had been reading the advert, suddenly spoke up.
"Hey, guess what the prize is? Only half a tonne of gold!" Root's complexion, which had been returning to its normal ruddy hue, flared up again.
"I'll bet I know where that came from," he growled. "Foaly! Get on to the Council. Tell them I want a meeting ASAP. Short, Kelp, come with me. Whatever this Mud Boy is up to, we need to find out."
Koboi Laboratories
Two more fairies were currently poring over the same advert that was causing the LEP so much distress. These were more concerned with their own devious plotting than that of a Mud Boy genius and a fairy psychologist. Reaching out her delicate fingers for another illegal box of chocolate truffles, the pixie Opal Koboi smiled.
"Half a tonne of gold? A substantial amount for sitting in a house for a couple of weeks, don't you think?" she asked the elf beside her. Briar Cudgeon nodded, eyes glinting with greed.
"It is indeed Opal. A fairy could do much with that gold."
"No more than two fairies could accomplish, Cudgeon," Opal replied, shooting him a meaningful glare. He sighed.
"Of course. That's what I meant. How would we get it though?" Opal's smug smile widened. Her face shone with anticipation as she held up the advert.
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Cudgeon's mouth twitched, though you couldn't really call it a smile.
"We're actually going to enter this… Big Brother Establishment?"
"Obviously." Opal spun her hover chair to face a computer, shooting her cohort a sly glance. "Doubtless the LEP will send someone. Maybe even Root himself…" Cudgeon cracked his knuckles.
"Where are those admission forms?"
Fowl Manor
With a contented sigh, Artemis settled back in his chair. All was ready. He'd persuaded his mother to send him to a non-existent boarding school in Switzerland; this would explain his prolonged absence and, when the experiment was finished, he would simply say he had felt homesick. Actually, his new associate, Doctor Argon, was going to pick him up in a private shuttle at the entrance to a little used chute. From there, they would go to the building Argon was having renovated for the occasion. It was a little way out of Haven, but Artemis had a feeling he would not be welcome there after his previous venture.
Yes, everything was proceeding as it should. He looked up at the ever-present Butler standing by his shoulder. It was time to tell him of his part in this…
"Are we ready to advance?" asked the manservant.
"Advance? No need to sound so military," laughed Artemis, "but yes. We are 'good to go', as you soldiers say."
"How do we know the people will go along with this? You did kidnap one of them…" Artemis nodded.
"That is why I approached Doctor Argon about it. We needed someone to handle matters below ground and the People will be more accepting if one of their own is involved." He smiled evilly. "I also offered a rather large prize for the winner; that will capture almost any fairy's interest. From what I know of Commander Root, he will be desperate to reclaim the gold I took and send at least one officer in order to do so. Yes, I think they will go along with it."
"Very good Artemis." Now for the bombshell.
"Of course, I expect you to take part as well Butler." He froze, face twisted in a mask of horror. For the first time, Artemis could see fear his companion's eyes.
"Me?"
"Well, not just you. Your sister Juliet has also volunteered." Perhaps 'volunteered' wasn't the best word for it. Once she had got wind of the plan (thank you, Butler) she had hardly stopped harassing Artemis until he let her enter.
"I need some chance of getting the gold back, Butler. I do not intend to hand it straight back to the People just yet." He stood up, straightening his suit jacket. "Now, we'd better start the packing…"
Council Meeting, Haven City
For quite possible the first time in a century the Council was buzzing with excitement. Everyone was clutching a copy of the Big Brother advert and talking animatedly with their neighbours. Then LEP Commander Root arrived, slamming the double doors open (he could have waited for them to open automatically, but he wasn't in the mood). He was flanked by Captains Holly Short and Trouble Kelp, who were trying to keep stern faces and, trotting along behind, came Foaly, panting slightly with the effort. At the arrival of Root and his entourage the Council fell silent. Although technically they were his superiors, there was no one in Haven who wasn't scared of an enraged Commander Root. Positioning himself on the lectern in the centre of the room, Root glared at his cowed audience.
"I can see you've all been informed about this Big Brother programme?" Nods all round. "Good! Now, my officers and I suspect that our good friend Artemis Fowl is involved. We all know what that means." An anxious murmur rippled around the room. "I suggest we shut down this operation as soon as possible." A very brave (or possibly very stupid) Council member stood up.
"We can't do that! This could be our chance to reclaim the gold. Gold we lost retrieving your officer, I recall!" Only one thing was greater than the Council's fear of Root; their love of gold. Root knew he'd never get them to change their minds. Even Vinyaya couldn't persuade them.
"Is there no other way to get it back?" she asked in desperation. Root grimaced.
"The only legal way I can see is to actually send someone into the Establishment…" he tailed off. "Surely you're not suggesting-"
"I rather think that's the best idea you've had all day," sneered Haven's least popular gnome, Ark Sool. "It was the LEP who lost the gold – they can get it back!"
Having just about restrained their commander from committing Grievous Bodily Harm, Holly and Trouble were leading a furious Root back to Police Plaza, followed by Foaly's braying laughter.
"You should watch your temper Julius, or you're going to explode one of these days. Does nothing for your complexion either-"
"Can you shut up for just one minute Foaly?" snapped Holly, "We need to decide what to do." She glanced at Root. He sighed.
"We'll have to sort this mess out ourselves; I'm sure Fowl has an ulterior motive. Trouble, you need to get three of those admission forms."
"Three sir?" The commander grinned like a piranha in a paddling pool.
"Yes, three. You, Holly and I are going to enter the Big brother Establishment. I doubt the Mud Boy will miss a chance to do some more gloating. Foaly, call Argon and volunteer to work the cameras." The centaur snorted.
"Way ahead of you! He called me last week with an offer. Damn sight more than what the LEP's giving me too!"
Author's Note: Gah! Lots of talking in this chapter (seems like that anyway…) Once again, please review! You know you want to…
Big thanks to my lil' sis for reading this for me – without her, it would be much worse than it already is...: )