Disclaimer: I'll let you know if I ever come into possession of Artemis Fowl and Big Brother. Until then, I still don't own either of them.

Thanks reviewers – Troublerocks (he really does!), ilex-ferox, AssortedJellyBeans, the epitome of randomness, less-than-ellie, tomeofenigmas, DanRutland and Firefactory.

ilex-ferox: I'm not a fan of Big Brother either! Just thought it would be interesting if Artemis Fowl made one….. insert evil laugh here

less-than-ellie: I know what you mean…Have tried to put more descriptiveness into this chapter!

Firefactory: I'm not even going to pretend to know what the HELL you were going on about. Knowing you, probably rambling on about yourself… as usual! Note to all other readers – ignore anything said by this person, it is complete nonsense.

Please Deposit Your Sanity on Arrival

The Big Brother Establishment

Bang! Crash!

Artemis rubbed his hands together with glee as he surveyed the work going on before him. The Establishment was nearly complete; soon, the project would begin in deadly earnest. Gnome builders lumbered around with the new furniture, directed by the pixie they'd hired as interior designer. The toxic scent of paint and plastic had taken up residence like a malicious ghost – the air recyclers would be installed with the cameras. Speaking of which…

"Fowl! You're just in time!" an excited voice exclaimed from the doorway. Argon, face a-glow, beamed up at Artemis. "We've just taken delivery of the cameras; the best available, like you asked." A hover trolley was parked outside, stacked high with shiny boxes.

"Excellent," replied Artemis. "Perfect, in fact…"

The Big Brother Establishment was an impressive operation. At Artemis's instruction, Argon had purchased a deserted cavern on the outskirts of Haven City. He'd also hired some of the best builders under the world, an award-winning interior designer and bought even more cameras than a certain paranoid centaur. The building was all Artemis's own design, consisting of two parts. The first was an observation centre, where the live video feed would be shown and basic accommodation for back stage crew, including Artemis and Argon. A second, bigger section was the house for the contestants.

Perhaps the best word to describe it was 'fluorescent'. Upon entrance you could be mistaken for thinking everything was made from a child's play dough kit. After half an hour you'd probably have a killer migraine. Not Artemis's style at all. But then again, he didn't have to live in it.

"It is vital that the contestants feel disorientated," he'd told Doctor Argon, "and the bright colours will help amplify strong emotions. We will discover nothing if they sit around acting normally all day." As an afterthought he'd added, "It will also make really boring viewing." His partner hadn't been convinced about this.

"Are you sure people are actually going to watch this? People just living in a house?" Always utterly sure of himself, Artemis nodded.

"We will make it more interesting of course. Tasks will be set for the contestants to complete and they will be rewarded or punished depending on how well they do."

But it didn't look as if that would be necessary. The Establishment hadn't even begun yet and already a small crowd of fairies had gathered. They'd been scared at first, of the strange Mud Boy in charge of it, but now they were drawn to the activity like moths to a lamp. After all, Doctor J. Argon wasn't afraid…

Satisfied with what he saw, Artemis turned back to Argon.

"If we have the cameras then there is little else for us to do. Do you have another senior technician?" The psychologist nodded.

"None other than the great Foaly himself." They began to walk away from the mish-mash of activity across the cavern. It was lit with so many spotlights you would hardly notice you were underground. Bits of broken rock crunched underfoot.

"Then I believe all we must do is choose the contestants. Have we received many applications?" Artemis asked. A small bundle of forms materialised from Argon's pocket, along with a smug grin.

"I've picked out some of the more interesting applicants…"

Police Plaza

Holly and Trouble weren't sure if they should be glad or apprehensive when their notice of acceptance arrived. Commander Root was never plagued by such uncertainties; he just got angry. When the two captains arrived with the 'good' news he was attempting to organise the paperwork for his substitute. The air was thick with dust and every spare centimetre covered with paper in varying stages of decay.

"I thought you wanted us to keep up with our reports sir?" asked Holly in a mock-pleasant voice as she stepped over a tottering pile of scrolls. They must have been at least 600 years old. Root grunted dismissively, waving the sarcasm away.

"Yeah, yeah. What do you want?" Trouble held up the letters.

"These have just arrived. Looks like we're in." Paperwork forgotten, the commander leapt up from behind his desk pausing only to grab a box of his favourite cigars. There was a familiar manic glint in his eye.

"Very good Trouble. When do we need to be there?"

"The day after tomorrow." Oh no, thought Holly, our esteemed Commander has come up with a plan. Root grinned, displaying fungus-tobacco stained teeth as he saw her expression.

"I hope you've packed your hair-straighteners or whatever else it is you females need Captain Short. We're going to do a little stake-out on this Big Brother Establishment!"

One Hour Later, The Big Brother Establishment

"D'Arvit! How many cameras does that Mud Boy need?" hissed Root. The three elves were squatting behind a stalagmite at the entrance to the cavern. They were still some distance away from the building itself, prevented from moving closer by the cameras clinging to every surface like spiders. From their position it was almost impossible to see anything. It didn't help that a certain someone was hogging the only pair of binoculars.

"Maybe you should let someone else have a look sir," muttered Trouble through gritted teeth for the fifth time in as many minutes. Root ignored him, squinting at the gnomes unloading furniture. Still fuming over the hair-straighteners quip, Holly sat as far away from both of them as was physically possible in the circumstances and tried to look as if she didn't know them. How in Frond's name was she meant to live with these goons for several weeks? Even the twenty minute shuttle journey here had seemed like a lifetime… Maybe you'll get lucky and be voted off in the first week. What a comforting thought…

"Short! Can you think of any way to take out some of these cameras?" whispered Root, still glued to the binoculars.

"With what? My hair-straighteners?" said Holly sarcastically. "We left our Neutrinos at Police Plaza. Besides, Foaly would be sure to notice if a camera suddenly blacked out." The centaur was already here, doubtless lounging around admiring his latest tin-foil hat until the show started.

Frustrated, Holly kicked a rock at a swear toad that had crept too close. This whole stake-out was pointless! Trouble and Root turned to glare at her. She held up her hands in surrender.

"Alright, alright, I'll be quiet. Don't get your jumpsuit in a twist…"

Two Days Later

LEP procedure dictates that all caution should be used when entering a possibly hostile building. In fact, it is better not to enter it all. But these elves had no choice and, as for caution, it is difficult to be stealthy while carrying a suitcase. The entrance to the Big Brother Establishment resembled something from a sci-fi film, all red plastic and shiny surfaces. With an ominous hiss the doors slid open to reveal an equally bright and futuristic foyer. It was empty. Then a voice erupted from nowhere.

"Commander Root, Captain Short! How nice of you to join us. And this must be the infamous Captain Trouble Kelp." Though they would deny it later, all three of them jumped at the sound of Fowl's voice, glancing around anxiously for the Mud Boy. He laughed. "Don't worry; I am communicating with you through the speakers. Now, if you have regained control of yourselves, would you please take a seat? There are some final items that I must explain to you." Root's complexion darkened as he stomped over to a cluster of red fake-leather chairs, swearing under his breath. Holly followed, noting that a couple of the chairs were bigger, too big for a fairy. The ceiling was high too. What is this about Fowl? thought Holly, what's your plan?

"Firstly," continued Artemis, "you must have no contact with the outside world. Any attempt to do so will result in immediate expulsion. Secondly, you have all relinquished your LEP status while in the Establishment. So don't try to arrest anyone." Holly and Trouble exchanged glances. Could Root survive that long without having a heart attack? Arresting criminals was one of his few ways of venting anger. Prolonged isolation from that might kill him. Or drive him mad. Or both…

"Finally, you must take part in all of the tasks set. Refusal to do so will be punished." Silence followed these words. I've survived worse, thought Holly. I just need a moment to think of it… Artemis cleared his throat. "You are the last to enter the Establishment. The entrance is on your left." Another blood-red door, gaping like the maw of a ravenous troll. "You have-" a pause while he checked, "-ten minutes before the cameras come on. The other contestants are waiting to meet you. Good luck!" Then there was static.

The three elves rose sombrely, walking towards the door as if it was their execution. Which it might well be… Holly began humming something similar to a funeral march.

"Do you have to do that?" hissed Trouble.

"Do what? It seemed appropriate."

"Oh stop bickering you two!" snapped Root as the door opened and they stepped through into a spacious, if overly-bright, living area. Six people looked up as they entered. Holly, Trouble and Root stared back at their new housemates.

"YOU!" exclaimed four voices simultaneously. Then all Hell broke loose as former-lieutenant Cudgeon leapt at Root and Root launched himself at a diminutive, distinctly grubby fairy who was now trying to burrow a hold through the reinforced wall. Holly didn't notice any of this. She was rather more focussed on an all-too familiar sprite…

It was so good that Artemis, Argon and Foaly couldn't resist turning on the cameras eight minutes early.

A/N : Finally! Everyone's in the Big Brother Establishment! Sorry for the cliff-hanger……… Guess who the other fairies are!

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