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Thank you once again, reviewers! I may actually start replying to them, as I have just worked out how... (what an idiot...)
Chapter 4 Welcome to your New Abode
On plasma screens all across Haven, the Big Brother titles started to roll. Then, without any warning, it cut to a luminous living area. A fight was trying to break out between two enraged elves, one of whom was also trying to get a strangle hold on a frightened dwarf. Curious now, the viewers settled back to watch…
BBE - Day 1 - 08:00 PM
"I'm going to kill you convict!" roared Root, face reddening like a traffic light as he lunged forward again. A beleaguered Trouble was clinging desperately on to the back of his non-grip jumpsuit. This was made doubly difficult by the fact that he was trying to keep a frothing-at-the-mouth Cudgeon at arm's length too. It felt as if one arm was about to be ripped off while the other was consumed by a rabid troll. I really don't need this, he thought. I get enough of this on the job. He gritted his teeth and glared around at his fellow contestants.
"Unless you feel like scraping intestines off the walls I suggest someone gives me a hand here!" A blonde Mud Girl he'd never seen before eyed the fray distastefully and sniffed.
"Huh! Intestines would be an improvement. With this wall colour, you might not even notice." The mammoth figure sat next to her left its chair, looming over the fairies. With an irritated sigh he picked Cudgeon and Root up by the scruff of their necks as though they were no more than puppies.
"Do you want to stop this, little fairies? Because you are starting to annoy me and when I get annoyed I usually hurt someone." The elves grunted an affirmative. Butler set them down. He felt like a teacher with a class of unruly children; it was easy to forget that they were decades older than he was when their heads were about level with his waist. A snigger came from the corner. The giant human turned round, setting narrowed eyes on the unfortunate dwarf. "That goes for you too, hairy. Don't think I've forgotten our last meeting!"
BBE Observation Centre - 08:10 PM
"This is just priceless!" whinnied Foaly in amusement. He was laid back in his specially modified black swivel chair, a carrot in each hand and tin-foil hat askew. The smile that had appeared when Root entered the Establishment was stuck on his face like a grease stain on the tables at Spud's Spud Emporium. Behind him Artemis cleared his throat.
"On the contrary, Mister Foaly, there is a very substantial price attached to this operation." A familiar smug grin was in place as he turned to his partner in driving-people-mad-for-profit. "I believe some congratulations are in order Doctor, for a successful start to our Establishment?" Argon took the hand that was proffered, shaking it eagerly.
"Pure genius. What a way to test the workings of the fairy and human mind! Fowl, you have my deepest respect." What a swat, thought Foaly as he turned back to the screens, leaving Argon to wax lyrical over Artemis Fowl's genius. The inmates – sorry, contestants – had stopped fighting and an uneasy truce had broken out, much to the centaurs disappointment. Cudgeon and Root were sulking, glowering at each other whenever Butler wasn't looking. Mulch Diggums, suitably cowed by Butler's unvoiced threat, had decided to investigate the kitchen.
Slightly apart from the rest, Opal Koboi sat curled up in an orange chair, watching the others as though they were pieces in a chess game that she was determined to win. Foaly frowned. He'd been hearing a lot about Koboi, enough to be sure that she was up to something. Paranoia twitching, he scanned the screens for Holly. There she was, apparently comforting an extremely stressed Trouble. The elf had recovered from the shock of Chix Verbil's appearance remarkably well. Ah, thought Foaly. Maybe that's why.
BBE – Day 1 – 08:10 PM
Living in a house surrounded by near-strangers was not Butler's idea of an ideal situation. It was definitely not a situation he would have let his baby sister Juliet get into, given the choice. But she had insisted and Artemis had said they probably weren't in any serious danger; not that it was Juliet's physical health that he was worried about right now. The sprite who had introduced himself as 'Chix Verbil' was staring at her. Butler had seen a similar expression of adoration on the face of the local pizza delivery boy. That was bad enough, but at least he wasn't green! Thankfully Juliet didn't seem to have noticed yet and he resolved to keep quiet about it for now. If she knew she would doubtless want to pick a fight with the sprite; that or... he shuddered. It was probably blasphemy, if not in the fairy world then definitely in the human one.
"Will all contestants please return to the living area," blared a robotic voice from the speakers, followed by a mish-mash of high-pitched whining and static as someone fiddled with the controls. Hands clamped over her ears, Juliet glared up at them.
"No need to deafen us! Who are you anyway?"
"This is Big Brother."
"Oh great. The all-seeing eye also has a mouth." Mulch reappeared in the doorway, miscellaneous food remnants clinging to his beard.
"You got something important to say? Only I've found this really-"
"Shut up, you foul smelling idiot!" shrieked Opal. Everyone turned to stare at the pixie. Her own gaze was fixed on one of the visible cameras. "Is this about our task?" she enquired calmly, poised mask back in place.
"No; we simply wish to welcome you to your new abode. You will receive more information about the task tomorrow. I will only say this; you might want to work on your team skills if you wish to succeed." Root leapt up from his orange chair.
"We have to work as a team? Are you serious?"
"All will be revealed tomorrow. Good night." There was a final click that seemed to signify the end of the conversation. The contestants stared at each other, dismay oozing from every pore. It was mulch who finally broke the silence.
"They can't expect me to work with that psychopath! He's already tried to kill me once!"
"I wouldn't sleep too deeply convict or I might try it again! I thought – we all thought – you'd died in that cave-in and suddenly you turn up as though nothing ever happened! And I don't care what your excuse is, as soon as you leave here you are going straight back to that damned jail cell!" Root's eyeballs were twitching as though they were about to burst from his skull. Holly, desperate to defuse the ticking time bomb of Julius Root, laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.
"Comm- Root- Julius, look, whatever Mulch did can't do anything about it here. We need to look around this place." There was a pause. Then the elf grunted and nodded grudgingly.
The group quickly dispersed, preferring to do anything rather than spend more time in the company of the others, Holly had a sinking feeling that, no matter how big it seemed now, the establishment would soon be as claustrophobic as a dwarf tunnel. And the number of cameras was unnerving. Some of them were in plain view, but she had her suspicions about the mirrors that occupied every wall.
She paused outside a door. There was a small screen on it with the words 'Diary Room' scrolling across it. Diary Room? Another of the Mud Boy's schemes? Just as she reached for the handle, the sounds of a scuffle erupted from up the corridor.
"I don't care what you say; I will not share a room with a dwarf and a Mud Man!" Holly sighed. Here it was at last, the long awaited dilemma of the bedrooms.
Cudgeon, Mulch, Root and Butler were stood at the entrance to a dorm-like room containing six beds. Mulch snorted.
"And what makes you think I'd want to share with you? Your ego's so big you'd barely fit through the door." Butler was about to voice his objections when Holly stepped in.
"And how old are we this year gentlemen? It's only a bedroom. You don't even have to talk to each other."
"Be quiet, you interfering female!" growled Cudgeon as he spun round, "It's a matter of principle!" The manic glint was back again. Dear Frond I'm surrounded by idiots.
"Oh well, if your principles are so important you won't mind sleeping on the sofa will you?" Juliet stuck her head around the door of the other bedroom directly opposite.
"Whatever you do can you do it a bit more quietly? Some of us are starting to get a migraine." The door slammed shut again. Chix appeared at the end of the corridor, dripping wet and smiling absent-mindedly.
"There's a swimming pool," he said, as if this fact somehow explained everything.
"I'm not even going to ask," murmured Butler. Holly suddenly felt several thousand years old.
"Do what you like," she said. "I'm going to sleep. At least you can't annoy the Hell out of me in my dreams."
BBE Day 1 11:59 PM
Almost all of the contestants had fallen asleep. After much grumbling Cudgeon decided he would rather put up with a flatulent dwarf and a Mud Man than sleep on a chair. Juliet was snoring gently while Holly feebly tried to arrest her pillow in her dreams. All was quiet. In the kitchen, Opal stepped back to survey her handiwork. It had taken her hours to get it just right. She went to shut the door of the refrigerator, pausing as she took a last look at its contents.
"Sweet dreams my dears," she whispered as she kissed the foremost box of luxury chocolate truffles goodnight.
Author's Note: Sorry this took so long! I had loads of school work to do and then I was... distracted by various things (cough Saiyuki cough). I also found this chapter really hard to write, even though not much happens in it... the next one should be a little more interesting, promise!
Any and all suggestions are welcome; just tell me in a review! Reviews make me happy...