Chapter 2

Norm re-enters the office with Joseph Didly.

"Now, Mr. Didly, I don't mind so much the following you into the bathroom, but … next time – don't make eye contact with me when you're doing it."

"Sorry."

"Just wait in the office while I get those papers, all right?" pats Didly on the back.

"Okay," and Didly heads into the counseling room.

Norm walks over to Laurie and asks, "Has he asked for me yet?"

"Not yet."

"It's almost noon; what's he waiting for, the second Ice Age?"

"Maybe Mr. Denby's enjoying it in some kind of non sexual perverted way," comments Danny.

"He's just trying to get you all uppity and worried. It's an intimidation tactic. The key is to let him know subtlety, that you are not intimidated."

"Subtlety, eh?

"There's a pocket dictionary on your desk," says Laurie.

"I know what it means," roll his eyes, "now, if you'll excuse me – I got to go look up a completely unrelated word," and walks to his desk.

Denby's office door opens and he steps out partially, "Norm Henderson, please report to my office."

"If I'm not back in 15 minutes, I want you to come in there guns blazing and fists roaring. Or a stapler, if you're not busy," and walks over. He enters the office.

"Close the door, Norm."

Norm does so, and shouts, "I am not intimidated!"

Denby blows right by it as though he had not heard it.

"Okay, what do I got to do? Tighten you cover bun, powder your liver spots…"

"This morning the cleaning staff informed me they found a crack rock in the bathroom."

"A rock? That's nothing, why – I bet in your day, sir, you could buy entire bushels of crack for 50 cents and still have enough left over to see a movie."

"As much of a do-little pain in the posterior you are, I don't believe you do crack."

"Nah, I don't make that kind of money here."

"Well, obviously everyone in the office is going to have to be tested."

"I see, and you want me to administer the tests," says norm.

Laughs in an almost snorting way, "I wouldn't put you in charge of urinal cakes; I'll be handling the testing aspect. Your job will be to fire the individual once he or she has been weeded out."

"Weed them out? That's crack them up. Get it? Crack them up."

Denby adjusts his glasses, "Yes, that unendlessly hilarious. Now I want you to go out there and inform them they'll be drug tested before the end of the day," he slips on his overcoat ands hat, "I called early this morning and had the Health Department have a box of test kits prepared; I'm going to go pick them up," opens his office door and walks out, heading toward the doors out of the office.

It suddenly occurs to Norm just as the double doors swing shut, "Oh, sir! You forgot you broomstick!"

"What happened? Did he turn green? Did his eyes go black?" asks Danny.

"Any monkeys fly out of his butt?" asks Laurie.

"Listen everybody. That includes you, deaf Mary," says Norm.

No one quiets up.

"You realize this air of disrespect was created by you," says Laurie.

"I'm sure if I ask nicely, they'll all listen," turns to face the other office personnel, "can I please have all of your attention."

Laurie smirks and look at Norm, "That worked about as wel as New Coke."

"Hey, I got an idea: why don't you go beat them all into submission," replies Norm.

"Relax, I got this," says Danny, "The method is tried & true. BOOBIES!" he yells.

Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at them. A lone guy on a phone in the sudden silence comments, "I'll call you back – boobies."

"Oh, you just missed them. Laurie flashed her boobies."

"What?!" Laurie spouts.

"but while I got your attention, Denby has told me to inform you that all of you will be drug tested today. Excuse me, but I suddenly have to go to the bathroom," and darts off out the double doors and into the hall. He stands there, thinking what the Hell he'll do next.

Laurie quietly comes through the doors, "Did you say drug tested?" in a quiet voice while approaching Norm.

"Apparently the cleaning crew has ethics; who knew."

"I can't take the test – I'll fail."

"How's that?"

"Those poppy-seed bagels; haven't you ever heard? They test positive for opium, because of the seeds."

"Well, you said one day you wouldn't be here for me; now if looks like it'll be 1,825 days, ay?"

"Norm, what am I going to do? I like my job; I enjoy helping others. It puts a smile on my face at the end of each day to know I may have helped change someone's life for the better."

Norm stands there, eying her strangely, "There may be something wrong with you."

"Norm – pee in a cup for me!"

"Wha – I can't."

"Why not? I'd pee in a cup for you!"

"Well, for one: I had a couple beers for lunch, and second: I'm not sure that's the kind of thing friends are supposed to do for each other."

"Maybe I can post pone it."

"Nah, he said they definitely gotta be done today."

"What do I do?"

Norm thinks for a second, "Hey I got it! Mr. Didly can pee in a cup for you. His file shows he's drug & alcohol free."

"That's great. Where is he?"

"Oh! He's still waiting in the counseling room. Good lord, he probably has to pee like the devil," and hurries back into the office.

"Everything all right out there?" asks Danny, concerned.

Without thinking, "Nothing someone else's urine won't fix. Damnit," and keeps walking.

Danny speaks to Laurie as she approaches her desk, "This is one of those things I probably shouldn't know about, right?"

"It's for the best."

…

Norm closes the door to the counseling room.

"Ah, Mr. Didly, I just got off the phone with Gerry's Subs; they said they'll hire you, but first they need you to pee in this metallic, thermo-sealed coffee holder. It's for the drug test."

"Okay."

"Just make sure to recap it afterwards. Come on, I'll take you to the bathroom," and he takes Didly's hand out of habit and they head to the men's bathroom out in the hall.

Norm speaks, "Now remember -- we talked about this: going alone will be your first step, all right?"

"And you'll be outside the door the whole time?" asks Didly.

Laurie continues to peak out the double doors.

"As god as my witness."

"Okay," and he enters the bathroom.

Norm immediately heads for the double doors.

"I thought you said, 'As god as my witness'?"

"Yeah, and he's witnessing it for me," he walks to his desk, Laurie in tow.

"What I'll do is put the coffee holder in one of the ceiling tiles of the handicap stall."

"In the women's room," Laurie makes sure.

"Right, good thinking. Do me a favor and go knock on the door periodically to let him think I'm there."

"All right, but I draw the line at going in," she walks off.

Norm picks up the phone receiver on his desk, "Hello, Gerry? Yeah, norm. Listen, I need ya to give this guy a job. He doesn't drink, smoke or none of that."

…

Laurie knocks on the door and in a low voice, imitating Norm, "Good job there, pal."

Norm enters the hall.

"Everything is going to plan. Though I didn't plan any of this; really, I'm just making it up as I go along."

"Norm, if this doesn't work, we're both gonna be in big trouble."

"Relax, I'm sure nothing bad will happen."