Chapter 3
The next day. Denby approaches Laurie's desk with a paper in his left hand.
"Ahhh, Laurie, I've been reviewing your test results and after careful evaluation it appears you are a man."
There must be some mistake. Perhaps you are reading it wrong."
Norm blurts out, "sir, why didn't you tell us about you illiterateness?!"
"The sampling found no traces of estrogen, high levels of testosterone, and … and semen!"
"I, ah-"
"Look, sir, Laurie didn't want to tell anyone, but she has a penis."
"A what – what are you prattling on about?"
"She's a hermaphrodite; born with both parts. I'm sure she wanks it just like any other guy."
"There's no use in covering it up, faking a drug test is grounds for dismissal. Norm, I can't afford to compare her urine results to your own, but I'm sure they'd be a match. You're like two peas on a crocked, plotting pod," gets an evil look, "you know what to do."
"Geez, Laurie, I'm sorry but I gotta fire you there."
"You heard Norm. Pack your stuff up and be out this afternoon."
"No."
"No?!" Denby almost stutters.
"I'm not leaving."
"But, bu – you have to; he fired you."
"I'm gonna go over you head and ask the higher ups for a retest."
"Over my head? But I'm so close to retirement, I can almost taste it," makes a fist in wishful thinking, "I knew when I took this job that you were going to be trouble."
Norm interjects, "I liked Mr. Curtis more. Also, his oldest daughter was hot in bed."
"Fine, you take that test. But know this: so much as one drop of testosterone and you're fired. Consider this whole office one giant floor of eggshells, missy," and he struts off to his office, shutting the door hard.
"Norm, what do I do? The poppys are still in my system!"
"You're eating one right now!"
"See, and they're that good!" almost crying as she takes another bite.
"Poppys? Is this what the whole thing is about? They don't count anything 3,000ng or below to avoid false positives," says Danny.
"What's an "ng"?" asks Norm.
"I have no idea," says Danny, "I read it in Wikipedia."
"Anyway, see there? Dr. Danny Sanchez to the rescue."
"That's great, but now he has it out for me."
"As god as my witness, I won't let you get fired. Who'll protect me and come to my rescue when I accidentally glue his ass to the toilet?"
"I will," says Danny.
"I mean someone with clout."
"Oh."
"I got it. Everyone huddle together so we can scheme."
They do so.
"Not you, Carl," a worker backs away from the huddle.
…
…
The next day. Denby passes Laurie's desk.
"Oh, Laurie – how's that multiple personality case going?"
She sarcastically replies, "Just fine, sir."
"Hum. Good. Cary on," he walks away cocky.
"What's up with that?" asks Norm.
"Yesterday Denby assigned me this guy with three personalities and insisted I see him that day."
"The good, the bad, and the ugly?"
"In this case all of them are bad. Three distinct personalities and each one is a horny chauvinist."
"Well, don't worry," norm looks at his wrist watch, "in precisely five minutes, Danny will come waltzing through – Danny!"
"Hey, Norm. A little excited this morning, aren't you?"
"You're early; I thought we synchronized our watches yesterday."
"The batteries died."
"Some spy you are. You make James Bond cry," points at Danny; Danny looks behind himself. "Did you at least remember to bring it?"
"Right here," Danny pats the Voltron lunch box he holds up
"Good, now go in there and make me proud. So proud that I forget you have a Voltron lunch box," pats Danny on the back as he walks passed Norm and to Denby's office door.
Danny knocks.
"Enter."
Danny opens and closes the doors behind him.
"Oh, it's you. If you're here to testify on the behalf of your friend, don't bother. Unless of course you would like for your job to be harder."
"No, sir, that's not why I'm here at all."
"Its norm, isn't it? You three are like Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Ohhh, but pretty soon there's going to be the death of one of you."
"Nah, Norm sets a bad example. I've worked here for many years and I feel his lack of respect and ethics has undermined the integrity of this office as a whole."
"That's right – that's precisely right. And it's like he doesn't get that," says Denby.
"Mental retardation, sir."
"Pft, well, of course."
"I feel we started one the wrong foot and to show my appreciation of you authority, I spent hours last night making these for you," Danny sets the lunch box on the desk and opens it.
"Brownies!"
"Fudge brownies."
"I love fudge! How long did this take you?" asks Denby.
"A couple hours or more."
"Per, perhaps I misjudged you, Sanchez. To spend that much time and money on me; that's speaks a lot of your character."
"Well, it's not often my character gets to speak these days."
"You know, when it comes time to write your year end review, if this is any indication of your future doings, I have a feeling said review will be absolutely luminescent."
"If you'll excuse me, I have important social work to do."
"Why, yes – please do. And thank you again."
"It was no problem," and he leaves, smiling, from Denby's office.
"Well?" asks Norm.
"The eagle has landed."
"Excellent, Operation Desert Storm has commenced," replies norm.
"Yes!" Laurie claps her hands together, "now what?"
"Now we wait. Also, we compliment me on my fantastic plan."
…
…
Later that day. Denby exits his office and walks over with a swagger.
"I just got a call from my boss informing me he'll be here any minute to personally conduct the re-test. Well, Miss Freeman, I guess you've won. Or have you? You see – when he gets here, I'm going to tell him you faked your original test and being as everyone else's came back negative, that only leaves one culprit."
"Right – you, sir," says Norm.
"That's preposterous. I haven't taken drugs since my youth."
"Did you enjoy those brownies?" asks Danny.
"They were quite good, thank you, Danny."
"Your son made them," says norm.
"My what?" off guard.
"You remember his secret ingredient, don't you?" asks norm.
"Henderson, when I get threw with you, you won't see the sun for four years!"
"I don't think so, sir. You see, I have it on good word that you likes the crack."
"My word," says Laurie," and if you want my silence, you better keep quiet about the test taking and don't even think about reprimanding your son."
"And give me a glowing year-end review," Danny butts in quietly.
"And his review better be sparkling," says Laurie.
"You wouldn't dare?"
"We would. Norm?" says Laurie.
"And just remember, that if you ever change you mind, some more of that secret ingredient might find it's way into you coffee, or your lunch, and what not."
"I'm being blackmailed by the three stooges!"
"He's coming!" Didly pops into the office via the double doors.
"Excellent, Mr. Didly, now go wait in the office for me, and try not to piss on the couch."
"Okay."
"My lips are at the ready; just try me," says Laurie.
"You – all of you: you'll live to regret this!"
"Max Denby?
"Ah, yes Mr. Coswell?" (I imagine played by Robert Picardo)
"You said there was something you needed to tell me."
"Ah, ah … eh. I mixed Laurie Freeman's test bottles with another employee. A fact I didn't discover until a few minutes ago."
"I see. I mix man and women up all the time. You do understand that was sarcasm I just implemented?"
"Yes, Mr. Coswell."
"Had to make sure. Not certain of you anymore.
Miss Freeman, please follow me," he escorts her out into the hall, toward the restrooms.
"You – geh … I – I don't even have the words."
"We love you and your illiteracy too, sir."
"I'm going home for the day," he walks to his office, opens the door, puts his overcoat and hat on, then locks the door and checks it, "good luck with Mr. Didly!" and leaves.
On the back of his overcoat is a taped note reading: ask me about hot gay sex for fun & profit!
"We did it! I didn't think it would work!" exclaims Danny.
"Never doubt a master, my friend. Did they doubt Aristotle when he said the Earth was round?"
"Yes," says Danny.
"Did they doubt Darwin when he created the theory of evolution?"
"Yes."
"Anyway, that's not important. What's important is that I was right. This calls for a round of gloating."
"Let me check and see if my schedule is open," says Danny.
"Good lord you're getting cocky for a bald man."
"Bite me," he says triumphantly.
Laurie comes running in, Coswell behind.
"I passed!"
"That's great" says Norm.
"A little opium from poppy seeds, but nothing to get your knickers in a twist about. Where did Denby go?" asks Coswell.
"Home for the day," says Danny.
"Hum, leaving the office unattended early. There's another mark. Let this be a warning to you all that management won't tolerate illegal drugs. Good day," and Coswell leaves.
"So … who was doing crack?"
"I guess we'll never know," says norm.
"Not you, right?" asks Laurie.
"No. I saved you butt and this is the thanks I get?"
She pats him on the back and walks off smiling.