Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Artemis Fowl.
A/N: Yo! Did y'all miss me? *ducks missiles* Yeah, sorry about the long wait... Her Majesty the Jaffa Cake Queen has been in exile to the Exam Islands. I've just been able to sneak back, but who knows for how long? I will continue to update... it might just be a bit erratic. But anyway... where were we?
Chapter 6 Star Jump REPRISE
BBE
– Day 3 – 3:40 PM
"No, no, no!
It's eight star jumps then the
side steps. We've been through this enough times!" It was
practice time in the Big Brother Establishment. Supposedly. Anyone
else would have described it in much more unflattering terms,
possibly including the word 'lunacy'.
The living room furniture had been pushed to the sides of the room leaving a large clear area in the centre. In the middle of this, arranged like soldiers from the Dance Division, were the housemates. They were each dressed in a tank top and tracksuit pants, each in s different colour (the only similarity being they were all practically fluorescent). It might have been cute. But the expressions on everyone's faces were definitely not cute. Not cute at all.
Juliet sighed, scratching the neon yellow sweatbands on her wrists. She was the appointed leader (or the only one willing to publicly confess to having any knowledge of aerobics). Now she had to try and come up with a routine that wouldn't incur the wrath of Big Brother. This was easier said than done; grudges prowled the room like cats, hissing when they got too close. No one wanted to let anything go – Juliet would only admit to herself that she gave Opal the evil eye whenever the pixie wasn't looking. It's hard to get any routine right when you're too busy waiting for your enemy to make mistakes to sneer at.
"OK people, practice time's nearly up. Let's give it one more try and remember – the side steps come after the star jumps." Butler nodded grimly, adjusting his blue headband. Trouble, Holly and Root shuffled into place, each privately swearing to kill anyone who ever mentioned this. Opal sneered, while Cudgeon mumbled angrily under his breath. Mulch wasn't paying attention; he was wishing the tracksuit had a bum flap. Only Chix looked happy. He grinned dreamily at Juliet and nodded. She reset the sound system.
"Alright then. 1, 2, 3…"
BBE OBSERVATION CENTRE – 3:45 PM
"Are the monitors ready?" Artemis' clipped tones jerked Foaly back to wakefulness like an ice cube down the back of the neck. He instantly began poring over the control panel, pressing buttons furiously.
"Of course, of course; just need to finalise the command…"
The Mud Boy and his lackey Argon had made the decision to halt the broadcasts during the rehearsals. Everything was still filmed, but only a privileged few had seen them. Not that this bothered the centaur; he was copying every bit of footage on to disk so he could watch his friends' humiliation at leisure.
Fifteen minutes later the red light on the wall flickered to green, signalling the return of the cameras. Dozens of screens flared into life and Foaly did a quick check on each contestant. A red-faced (well, more red-faced than usual) and slightly panting Root couldn't fail to produce a snigger.
"Really Foaly! This is a serious experiment, not some childish prank," chided Argon. He seemed to find every noise a 'distraction'. The Irish boy didn't normally comment. It would take more than a bit of carrot-munching and laughter to distract that one.
The centaur frowned. If he thought working with the boy genius would shatter some of the illusions the People had about him, he was wrong. He was as cool and calculating as ever. Foaly didn't even think he slept. Always the last to leave (if he did) and always the first there again in the morning. And then there was all the time he spent closeted with Argon… This room is starting to smell strongly of plotting Foaly thought.
BBE – Day 6 – 6:30 AM
Peace. Quiet. Dreamy oblivion. These were the thoughts of Trouble Kelp as he slept, sprawled across a huge bed. For the moment, the world is a perfect place. Well, only until he wakes up…
"GOOD MORNING, CONTESTANTS! IT'S TIME TO RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE THE WORLD A GREAT SMILE! BIG BROTHER HAS ALLOWED AN EXTRA PRACTICE TODAY BEFORE YOUR BIG PERFORMANCE TOMORROW, STARTING IN HALF-AN-HOUR! GOOD LUCK!"
A short, chirpy jingle followed this announcement. Then silence. The kind of silence you get after bursting a balloon next to a sleeping bear's ear; it's all the quieter because you know the roar that follows is going to be deafening.
"Waargh-friggin-bleh-grrh-SNAP!" (Roughly translated, this means "which silly person has decided to wake me up at this unreasonable hour?")
BBE – Day 6 – 7:00 AM
Whatever else they were, they were clearly not morning People. Butler, as a bodyguard, was used to rolling out of bed at all hours. There was no need to be unpleasant about it. And yet these fairies, some high-ranking police officers, were still groaning and lurching around like zombies. Very unprofessional. He didn't include Juliet; she was, after all, a teenager.
Eventually they were all in position. A somewhat ragged line of brightly dressed fairies (and Butler) stood facing Juliet, with facial expressions varying from a resigned 'let's get this over with' to almost homicidal, stopping off at the kind of face you get when you've been trapped in an elevator and REALLY need the toilet.
Confronted with this, she wondered if a pep talk might improve the situation. It could hardly make it worse.
"Alright guys, I know we've been struggling with thus." A snigger from Mulch until a glare shut him up. "But we have got to get this right. We've no idea how Big Borther – or the public – will react if this goes pear-shaped. So if you don't do it for the team," Juliet glanced meaningfully and Opal and Cudgeon, "then at least do it for yourself. You all want the gold, right?" A determined silence followed. Their teamwork skills may have been lacking, but their competitive streak made up for it.
With a final glare at the group, she turned on the music. The display screen flickered into neon-green life and a catchy beat started. It was a Mud Man song – the only excuse for the lack of lyrics and being generally infuriating. Soon the whole room seemed to be vibrating with noise.
And so the final practice began. It started off well; they'd almost got the hang of counting the beats (although Chix had to be told that, no, he couldn't use his fingers) and the group was nearly in time. This tentative state was carefully maintained until…
"I said star JUMP, not star FISH! What are you doing on the floor?" Would they ever be ready in time? If a very nice god decided to give them a miracle…
BBE – Day 6 – 11:49 PM – DIARY ROOM
It was dark and hushed in the Bid Brother Establishment. Only the sound of people shifting, talking and quietly giggling in their sleep could be heard. Except... a soft whirring as a door slid open nearby. Quiet footsteps padded along the carpeted floor, making no more noise than a cat. They came to a halt outside the Diary Room, their owner pausing momentarily before reaching out to the door. The face was obscured by the shadows.
Cautiously, the contestant (whoever they were) entered. The Diary Room was no bigger than a large closet. Each wall was a mirror and small spot-lights on the floor gave the room an eerie feel. A sliver chair, the offspring of an arm-chair and a space shuttle, sat in the centre.
After almost a minute spent peering curiously around the tiny room, the figure sat down. Then a voice crackled through the hidden speakers.
"Opal Koboi has entered the Diary Room. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
The pixie straightened on her seat, staring directly into the mirror before her. Shadows from the lighting gave her face a ghoulish appearance.
"Yes Big Brother. I'd like to discuss my great-uncle Mogi and the price spuds at Spud's Spud Emporium."
BBE – Day 7 – 7:30 PM
"HELLLLLOOO HAAAAVEN! WELCOME TO THE BIG BROTHER ESTABLISHMENT! ARE YOU EXCITED?!?!" No reality TV show is complete without a hyperactive, slightly dim and preferably attractive presenter. After all, someone has to let the audience know when to be excited. .. and since Corporal Lily Frond of the LEP was already there on surveillance, Artemis and Argon had decided no one could fill this role better. Fame? Popularity? How could she resist?
With a toss of platinum blonde hair and a smile so white it almost glowed in the dark, Lily turned to face the crowd gathered in front of the Establishment. The People roared and squealed an affirmative. Yes, they were excited. She took a deep breath.
"SQUEEEEEEEE! OMIFROND, THIS IS SOOO AMAZING1 WE ARE ABOUT TO WATCH THE PERFORMANCE THE INMATES HAVE BEEN PREPARING ALL WEEK! CAN YOU WAIT ANY LONGER?! NEITHER CAN I!"
Suddenly a giant screen flared into technicolour life, music blaring from what seemed like hundreds of speakers. An enthralled hush settled over the audience...
BBE OBSERVATION CENTRE
Foaly gingerly removed his headphones, carefully opening an eye to survey the damage. Three of the volume monitors were spiking and blipping in distress. The fourth was silent, smoke slowly streaming from a crack in the screen.
"Is that supposed to happen?" Argon asked nervously.
"Not normally, no. But when you introduce an intellectually-challenged elf with the vocal range of a moon-drunk banshee its hard to tell what's supposed to happen."
"Never mind that," snapped Artemis. "They're coming on."
BBE - Day 7 – 7:40 PM
The line of fluorescent-clad contestants stood anxiously in the centre of the living room, which had been cleared of furniture for the last time. For once, no one was making snide remarks. It was too serious for that. Knowing that you are about to perform in front of an audience of thousands can do that to a person.
"Are you guys ready?" Juliet asked with the air of a general addressing troops before a battle. Nods all round. Opal and Cudgeon stood with arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Butler and the LEP officers were the epitome of 'strong and silent'. Mulch grunted.
"A dwarf'sgotta do what a dwarf can't avoid doing."
"Then let's do this."
In one movement, the housemates pulled on their bright, fluffy headbands.
A small jingle sounded, signalling the arrival of Big Brother.
"You have all had seven days to prepare your aerobics routine. After we have seen it, the public will be allowed to vote for which of you they want to leave to Big Brother Establishment. The music will start in 15 seconds. Good luck." Then came quiet. Fifteen painful seconds of it.
A catchy synth rhythm began to pump out of the speakers. At (approximately) the same time, everyone began marching on the spot – or a shuffle, which was equally accurate. Eight beats... sixteen...
"All right everyone let's go! Star jumps!"
The song continued. Amid many flailing arms, legs and in one case beard, there was a routine. Probably. Julius Root looked as if he was acting on blind faith. His eyes were screwed shut and he looked to be grimacing in pain.
It progressed through side steps, hamstring curls, grapevines, hop turns, box steps and the little-known X step. There was such a difference in movement that each person could have been performing on their own. Opal showed a natural grace that was unencumbered by shyness, while Trouble tried to keep all movement to a minimal. There was enough psychology there to write a whole paper.
The final seconds of the song were approaching. Juliet, yellow headband almost slipping, called out some encouragement.
"We're almost done! One more move to go! 3,2,1... STAR JUMP REPRISE!"
OUTSIDE THE BBE
"WASN'T THAT AMAZING?" Lily Frond squealed. The crowd outside seemed to agree, judging from the bellowed response. "THOSE GUYS DID SUCH A GREAT JOB! WOOOOOOOOOOT!" An unknown elf dashed out of the Observation Centre and tapped her on the shoulder. There had been enough enthusiastic shrieking. Now she had to say something useful.
"OK, I know we don't want to do it, but someone's gotta leave. Vote for who YOU think should leave the BBE! Details for how to do this are at the bottom of the screen. In three hours we will announce the first person to be evicted! GET VOOOOOOOOOOOOOTING!"
A/N: Now this is where you (yes, YOU, the reader) come in. In order to make this a little more interesting, the readers of this fic will vote for who they want to leave the BBE. You can base it on this or just whoever is your least favourite character from the book. Just let me know in a review – the name of the person you want to leave and why (if you feel like it). While you're there, tell me what you thought about this chapter. You might as well. XD
The character to have more than a certain number of votes first will be the first evicted.