Curse of Fate: Outtakes

by Mistress Nika

Pervy wandmakers, sudden unexplained metamorphosis, world domination, massive destruction, G Dubbya, a terrified sorting hat, evil/insane Harry, things you absolutely should NOT do at Hogwarts, traumatized Severus and so much more!

4. The Twins' Marauding Discovery

Title: Curse of Fate: Outtake Four, The Twins' Marauding Discovery
Author: Mistress Nika
Rating: PG
Summary: Fred and George make a tantalizing discovery.
Pairings: Fred/George if you squint and tilt your head just so.
Warnings: If you can think it, it should probably be listed here.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Notes: Last CoF update, I got a lot of people wanting to see more of the things you're not allowed to do at Hogwarts. This is, by far, not the complete list, just some of my favorites. Not much "fic" to this outtake, but...here you go.

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The Twins' Marauding Discovery
George scooped up the book that had fallen out of Harry's bag intent on returning it to him...eventually.

"The Marauders' List" the title proclaimed in large gold letters. The twins grinned wickedly at each other and secreted the book back to Gryffindor tower and into their dorm room.

"Busydontbotherus!" they both exclaimed to their dorm mates, leaping into George's bed and closing the hangings. Moments later a silencing spell was placed up and the faint glow of Lumos could be seen from within.

Lee Jordan shook his head and sighed. "Either they're plotting or they're shagging. Neither option is particularly reassuring."

The others all nodded sympathetically and left the identical Weasleys to their own devices. The bed harboring the two delinquents shook violently for a moment, the headboard slamming against the wall loudly, before all was still and quiet again. The other Gryffindor boys watched wide-eyed.

"Well," random unimportant character number one from whom we'll here no more, hereafter known as Kenny, said, breaking the silence. "That answers that question."
------
"Damn it, Fred!" George exclaimed, rubbing the knot on his head with a grimace. "You didn't have to pounce me! I would have given you the thing if you'd just asked!"

"You weren't moving fast enough," Fred said absently, pawing at the book like an impatient child at Christmas.

Pulling it open, he began to read.
------
1. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
3. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
4. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
5. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
-Nor a were-tribble.
6. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil or piranha.
7. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
8. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
9. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.
-I will not lick my boyfriend in public, even if he is covered in chocolate.
10. I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new professors are introduced.
11. The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizard version of the Kama Sutra.
12. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
13. That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.
14. Under no circumstances will I greet Professor McGonagall by inquiring, "What's new, pussycat?"
15. I will not refer to a hippogryph as "Horseybird".
16. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
-Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
-I am not a Professor, at all.
17. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
-I will not replace Severus Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
-It was not an honest mistake.
18. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.
-Or the teacher laundry.
19. I am not allowed to ever cast an invisibility charm again.
20. I will not give any girl one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present.
-Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
21. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled fire whiskey.
-Charming the label does not change anything.
22. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins and I should not test that.
23. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
24. When someone accuses me of not wearing any underwear I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.
-Especially if I can't.
25. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
26. Severus Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".
- Nor does he respond well to "Sevvy-poo" or "Debbie".
27. I am not authorized to sell nude picture of the faculty to students.
-Giving the same nude pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.
28. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
29. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
30. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts and I am not a member of that house.
-Nor am I its founder.
31. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
32. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.
33. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide with the return address "Voldemort" is not funny.
34. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before and is very, very tired of them.
35. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
36. The proper use of the library's Copying Charms is to make personal study copies of educational materials, not to duplicate adult publications.
37. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
-Or tomatoes, plums, oranges or any other food item.
-Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
38. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite period of time" amusing in any sense.
39. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. I should not treat them as such.
40. I am not the eggman.
-Nor am I the walrus.
41. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.
42. No part of the school uniform is edible.
-I am not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.
43. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
44. I am not allowed to operate a business out of the school.
-Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
-Not even if they are "especially pro-Hogwarts films"
-Severus Snape does not want a part in these films.
45. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another house's uniform, messily drunk.
-Even if my prefect did it.
46. I will not teach Peeves the lyrics to "Henry the VIII I Am".
47. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
48. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Severus Snape's drink with them.
-Especially not all of them at once.
49. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office.
- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as back up.
-Especially not with kazoos.
50. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.
51. 'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.
- Especially not with Mrs. Norris.
52. I will not try to convert my house mates to Christianity.
-Or Wicca.
-This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.
53. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
-Or the referee.
54. The house elves are not there to do my homework.
-Neither are the ghosts.
55. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
56. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
57. I will not declare martial law.
58. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
-Including my own.
59. Jellylegs is not an Unforgivable Curse.
-That does not mean that I am allowed to perform it on fellow students.
-Or house elves.
60. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action and I will not do it again.
61. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
62. I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.
63. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban and I should not tell the first years that it is.
64. The Restricted Section is not where they keep the books on bondage.
65. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.
66. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever I see Remus Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.
67. I will stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.
68. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.
69. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.
70. Telling Severus Snape that he has a very big wand is inappropriate.
71. I will not ask anyone if they are "fucking serious" and then giggle madly when they reply in the affirmative.
72. Robes are not optional.
73. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
74. Shouting Abracadabra in Charms class is not funny, as it is very likely to be misheard.
75. I will not trade my wand for anything, including sexual favours, fire whiskey or first years.
76. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
77. I will not yell out "The Migou!" in Care of Magical Creatures, even if that is the colloquial name for the Yeti in Tibet.
78. The "no keg party" policy is there for a reason.
79. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is really frowned upon.
80. I will not claim to be able to see the thestrals if I cannot.
81. "Painted Streetwalkers" are not a type of bird and the Care of Magical Creatures class does not have a field trip to study them.
-And you certainly won't get class credit for studying them yourself.
82. I will not offer to teach private lessons in Sex Magic.
83. I will not wear a corset and fishnets under my Gryffindor house robes.
- I will not speculate as to whether Severus Snape wears them under his robes, either.
- Nor will I check to see for myself.
84. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.
85. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
86. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts and attempting to do so will merely offend them.
87. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
88. I am not authorized to form an elite squad of Prefects with authority over professors.
89. I will not go to class skyclad.
-(The New Marauders' List)-
90. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
91. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
92. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
93. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
94. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
95. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
96. I am not a sloth Animagus.
-Nor am I a tribble Animagus.
97. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
98. I will not lick Trevor.
99. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
100. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
101. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
102. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.
103. I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus and even if I were, it would be cheating to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming.
104. Chocolate frogs do not come in "crunchy".
105. I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".
106. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
107. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
108. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
-Even if I brought enough for everyone.
-Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.
109. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."
110. My wand does not vibrate.
111. There is no "open mike night" at Hogwarts.
112. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.
113. I should not sing anything from "Phantom of the Opera" in hearing of Professor Snape.
114. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine."
115. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
116. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
117. The Squid is not interested in starring in tentacle porn movies.
118. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
119. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
120. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.
121. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
122. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
123. I am not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop within Professor Snape's sight ever again.
124. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
- I am not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.
125. I may not have a private army.
- Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
126. I am not to, in any way, substitute, alter, hide or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
127. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.
128. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey and it is wrong to tell first years that they are.
129. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.
130. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
-No, not even though I am a witch.
131. I am not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
132. I will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.
-Especially not if I actually have them.
133. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.
134. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
135. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.
136. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently.
137. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
138. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
139. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
140. Muggles are not lesser lifeforms.
141. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
142. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.
143. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.
144. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.
-Or under his robe.
145. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
146. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
147. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
148. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
149. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
150. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.
151. "Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to suspect that she is planning to kill me.
152. We do not serve Muggle stew for any meal.
153. Those BSDM sex toy magazines do not belong to Professor McGonagall.
- "Methinks the lady doth protest to much" changes nothing.
154. I am not allowed to train my toad to attack prefects and/or professors.
155. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".
-Even if I do conjure him up.
156. Running a pool on how big Professor Snape's trouser snake is just on nose size alone... is funny.
-Him finding out? Not so much.
157. I cannot attach bits of elastic to Hufflepuffs, even if I really, really want to keep them.
158. I will not set up hidden Muggle loudspeakers to blare the Darth Vader theme whenever Professor Snape enters a classroom.
159. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.
-Likewise, I will not tell first year muggleborns that Pokémon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.
160. I will not instigate revolution.
161. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
162. I will not fake rabies.
163. I will not spank others in class.
- Nor in the Great Hall.
- Or the common room.
164. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
165. I will not bring sheep to class.
166. Teacher is not a leper.
167. I will not send lard through the mail.
168. I will not dissect things unless instructed.
169. Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does.
170. I am not my own long-lost twin.
171. I did not invent Irish dancing.
172. "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge.
173. Madam Pomfrey is not dealing.
174. Potions class should not end in tragedy.
175. This school does not need a "regime change".
176. I will not speculate on how hot a teacher used to be.
177. Poking a dead raccoon is not research.
178. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
179. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
180. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
181. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
- Likewise, I will not create a betting pool on the fact that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
184. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
-I am also not allowed to contact Mr. Chick, offer to give him the real low-down on witchcraft, demons and Hell, and then send him to a meeting of Death Eaters.
185. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
186. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
186. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
-Or Voldemort.
187. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
188. "Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonymous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
189. Sufficiently advanced technology is NOT indistinguishable from magic.
190. I will not use the time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and . . . oh, nevermind.
191. My name is not Captain Subtext.
192. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
193. I am not allowed to claim Draco Malfoy is suffering from 'blue balls'.
-Not even if I loaded his jock with woad.
194. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"
195. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
196. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."
197. When detained by dementors, I do not have the right to a strip search.
198. I will not try to find the Room of Requirement with the expectation that it will be full of beautiful women.
199. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry "My god, it's full of stars!"
200. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to and/or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, shape or form and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
201. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.
- Lucius Malfoy does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.
- Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
202. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.
203. The fact that there are only three Unforgivable Curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
204. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
205. Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden.
-Even if it is for extra credit in Care of Magical Creatures.
206. Sesame Street is not the American equivalent of Diagon Alley.
207. "Witches Gone Wild!" is not appropriate material to have at a school.
208. All the other boys do not do that with their wands.
209. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.
-Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.
-Or "Eight is Enough".
210. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves", I will be Obliviated.
-Ditto: "Henry the VIII I Am", "This is the song that never ends", "One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall" or any folk song that starts out "innocent enough".
211. When asked to demonstrate muggle technology by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.
212. None of the Japanese exchange students are Kitsune.
213. I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with a deck of pornographic playing cards.
214. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
215. I will not perform rituals involving first years as human sacrifices.
- Not even if it means the difference between passing my OWLs and failing them.
216. None of the house elves are actually Gollum in disguise and I should stop trying to get the One Ring from them.
217. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet."
- I am also not to refer to Professor Dumbledore as "Ops".
- Or to tell the first-years that they'll be "canceled" for doing badly in Potions.
218. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
219. As I am not a licensed Mediwitch, I am to refrain from providing said treatments, especially without the knowledge and/or consent of my "patients."
220. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.
221. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into a classroom.
222. I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the halls.
223. I will not wear a "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT" shirt to class.
224. Running into the Great Hall and screaming "Voldemort is coming!" is only funny the first 100 times.
225. I will not offer to help the Dark Lord with evil plots in exchange for Japan and Canada.
------
Putting the book away, at least for the moment, the twins wondered how many of those things they could safely recreate before someone caught on. After all, while the Marauders were forbidden from these particular pranks, the book said nothing about Weasleys.