Title: Curse of Fate: Outtake Five, Writer's Block is Murder
Author: Mistress Nika
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ever wonder what happens when Nika gets writer's block? I doubt it, but you're about to find out anyway.
Pairings: Harry/Lucius
Warnings: language, sexual innuendo
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Notes: Until the random generators make an appearance, everything here is something that I have actually done while writing. Although, I usually go much longer between episodes of idiocy. I didn't think anyone would care to read huge chuncks of CoF though, so I shortened it.
Writer's Block is Murder AKA Misress Nika's Very Bad Day
Authoress Lady set her tea down on her desk, grabbed the back of the sofa chair with both hands and yanked with all her might, pulling it away from her desk with a god awful scraping noise. What was left of the carpet came loose in great clumps, revealing the wooden floor underneath, but she didn't care. A large, hideous scrape mark along the wall was testament to the years of abuse she'd heaped upon her bedroom with that overlarge chair which, by all rights, should still be in the living room. But no. She took her writing seriously and she needed serious comfort for her favorite pastime. She'd filched the chair years ago when her mother had gotten a new living room suit and it had been her favorite, if a bit smelly, seat in the house ever since. She'd even attached rollers to the legs to facilitate moving it several times a day. Of course, one of them had locked up almost right away, causing the carpet to tear and the wall to be scraped every time she wrestled with it.
Finally getting it to a good distance for sitting, just far enough away to climb over, she threw one leg over the arm and stood on the seat. With well practiced ease, she folded one leg under her and sat down, throwing the other on top in a display of flexibility that had been declared painful to watch by others. Comfortably pretzeled, she wiggled back and forth until the chair rolled, or grinded really, close enough to the desk for her liking.
That done, she opened up a document and began where she left off yesterday, fingers flying over the keys at a good 75 words per minute.
------
A pop signaled the arrival of the Lestrange brothers and Harry looked up just as they fell to the floor in a heap. Amused, he watched as they quickly regained their feet and their dignity after tripping over their prisoners. Three unmoving forms lay on the floor and Harry raised an eyebrow at them, silently asking for an explanation.
Both men fell to their knees and bowed their heads respectfully.
"My lord," Rodolphus began, "these three attacked us just before we received your summons. We haven't had a chance to question them, but we thought it best to bring them with us. It's likely they were involved in the attack on the muggles."
Harry nodded. He could feel the faint pulse of Voldemort's Mark intertwined with their own magic, its oily taint twisting around their essence and permeating the air with its foulness.
"They're injured," Harry said, well able to smell the blood on them.
------
Pausing, she reached for her tea, taking a long drink before sitting it back down on her desk without looking. The bottle toppled off the stack of awkwardly piled books and clattered to the desktop, spilling its liquid everywhere. All over her papers, books, medicine, sex toys...I mean...her keyboard and CDs and her desk lamp. Yeah. No sex toys...(2)
"Fuck!" she exclaimed heatedly, clambering up onto her knees in her chair and shoving at the desk until it rocked back and forth violently. The chair wheel finally let go and began to roll and the chair slammed into the bed behind it as she leaped up, still angrily shouting words that would cause her mother to make good on her threat of "I brought you into this world! I can take you out of it!" if she heard them.
"God damn it!" she shrieked, rushing to the bathroom and grabbing a roll of toilet paper and every towel she could find.
Using the toilet paper, she dabbed up most of the spill, throwing them in her trash and attempting to salvage what she could of her papers.
"No!" she cried pathetically, holding up a dripping paperback. "Temple of the Winds!" Rubbing at the battered and stained book with a washcloth, she tried desperately to salvage it.
Ten minutes later, with a significantly cleaner desk after her frantic dash, she sat back down at the computer, still lamenting the loss of each and every scrap of note paper and the permanent stickiness of one of her favorite novels. With a sigh, she began to write again.
------
"They put up quite a fight," Rabastan returned. "They managed to disarm us and, were it not for your training, my lord, they may have gotten away. Two were knocked out physically and the third is just stunned, though a bit waterlogged after I thawed him out."
"Remus," Harry said, turning his head to look at the man, "tend to them please? I would prefer it if they didn't die before I decide to kill them for their transgressions."
Remus quickly went to work healing their wounds, the most serious of which was a broken jaw, then took the liberty of binding them with conjured ropes.
------
One long-nailed hand reached up absently to habitually push her glasses up on her nose, only to poke herself in the eye as she wasn't wearing them.
"Ow!" she exclaimed, eye tearing up as she rubbed vigorously at it. Feeling particularly dramatic, she proceeded to make fake sobbing noises and clutched at her eye, as if in extreme pain.
Had he not been a poster on the wall, Dragonmaster Alex may have rolled his eyes. On the closet door, Kamui sighed in his 2D prison. This wasn't exactly a rare sight. Authoress Lady didn't care if no one was around to see her dramatics. In fact, every poster and stuffed animal in the room was certain she preferred it that way. Of course, she was crazy. They all knew this and, had they not been inanimate objects, would have fled long ago. Poor Chihiro was the most often abused as she was a four foot poster on the wall right next to the chair. She was often the victim of random wild arm motions and dramatic dance moves performed from the chair. Her many tears along the bottom were proof enough of her abuse at the hands of the madwoman.
On the wall over the bed, the Dark Goddess smirked. Of course, she was always smirking, as that was how she had been drawn. But still, this was more of a mental smirk. She was worshipped by Authoress Lady, as any Dark Goddess should be. Authoress Lady thought the Dark Goddess had sexy red eyes and was often seen oogling her ample, scantily clad bosom and shapely thighs. Despite the silly jester-like hat, she was the best cared for poster in the room. Of course, this was really only because she was a limited edition poster that Authoress Lady had searched for online for nearly two years before finding someone willing to sell. But let's not tell her that. It might break her black heart.(3)
Behind the entertainment center, Lucia smiled sweetly. Technically, she was in the best condition due to the protection afforded by the massive wooden structure that mostly hid her. Also, she knew that secretly, Authoress Lady liked her better. She was always watching watching the FMV where she got to kick ass with the Goddess' powers in the sequel. 'Stick that in your thong, Miss Thang!' the sweet, kind and gentle Princess of the Blue Star thought. Below her, Hiro posed heroically, unknowing of his lady love's wicked thoughts against her predecessor.
Authoress Lady's fake sobs had, by now, devolved into crazed giggles. After a few moments of that, she threw back her head and let out great peals of maniacal laughter. Outside, her dogs howled.
As quickly as it had started, it stopped. Going completely serious and silent, she raised her hands to the keyboard and began typing again.
------
One began to stir almost immediately and Harry motioned everyone to their places. Rabastan and Rodolphus quickly donned their masks and stood guard over the three men as Sirius and Remus stood to each side of Harry's chair. Lucius, after a reassuringly permissive pat to the shoulder, remained where he was, straightening only slightly to regain his imposing air, despite his seat on the floor. The others kneeled before him with heads bowed, certain that this would include more pomp than usual in an effort to intimidate the three errant Death Eaters.
------
Here, she paused, uncertain of what to write next. Her nails tapped contemplatively on the keys. She was certain of what she wanted to do when she started, but it had completely slipped her mind now. With a sigh, she reached for her tea, only to remember she had none. Hoping she would have remembered by the time she got back, she went to the kitchen for more.
Once there, she also grabbed a Star Crunch(1) and stuck it in the microwave for fifteen seconds. Happily eating her gooey treat, she leaned against the kitchen counter and stared out the window over the sink. Unintentionally, she let her mind drift.
'Mmm...chocolate,' she thought, watching with glazed eyes as her large dog, really the size of a small horse, slept in the driveway. Licking a glob of chocolate sauce off her finger, she thought to herself, 'I want ice cream. Dunno why. Don't have any. Mmmm...chocolate ice cream.' Unbidden, an image of Lucius Malfoy, ala Jason Issacs in the blond wig, came to mind. 'Mmmm, ice cream, Lucius...' Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy was half naked and holding a bowl of ice cream. 'Lucius and ice cream. Wonder what Lucius tastes like?' An urge to lick Lucius from navel to neck came over her. 'Ice cream is tasty. Bet Lucius is tasty.' By now Dream Lucius had dipped his finger in the frozen treat and was licking it off sensually. 'Chocolate Lucius!' she thought triumphantly. 'Lucius and chocolate syrup! Ooohhh! Naughty thoughts!' And so, her impromptu fantasy continued.
Her cousin, having just come through the front door, stared in terror as her cousin/neighbor began to giggle pervertedly while staring off into space. Hoping to remain unnoticed, she carefully slipped back out the door and ran home.
Authoress Lady blinked as she noticed one of her favorite cousins, who had been named after her as she would tell anyone who would listen, darting away from her house as if chased by the very hounds of hell. 'There goes Yuki-chan,' she remarked absently in her head. 'Wonder what she wanted...'
With a shrug, she threw away the now empty wrapper, washed her hands, grabbed her tea and headed back to her room.
Sitting down in her chair, after a brief struggle and a few half-hearted curse words when the wheel locked up again, she stared at the computer screen blankly. 'Oh yeah!' she thought in realization, 'I forgot. I'm stuck.' Then she felt a bit disappointed that she hadn't used her time in the kitchen to brainstorm instead of fantasizing about hot fictional men.
Deciding that she was indeed well and truly stuck, she opened up her browser and went online, hoping a bit of diversion would jump start the creative process. She checked her email, increased her stats in a couple of online games and insulted people on Gaia before going back to her story. Still, she stared blankly. 'Damn. Still stuck.'
So, she watched music videos instead. Music always helped. Lately, she was on a Hello! Project kick and so she watched performances by such groups as Morning Musume, Berryz Koubou, W and Mini Moni. They were all good and she enjoyed them immensely. However, they failed to spark her creative drive. This could have been because they were all in Japanese and her Japanese, while better than her Spanish even after two years of Spanish classes, was still sub par, especially when it came to music sung in little girl voices with a relatively fast beat.
With a growl of frustration, she closed the browser and turned on some music.
'Oh God,' Chihiro pleaded from her poster. 'Please save me!'
Ignorant of the poor poster's pathetic pleas, but quite amused by her unintentional alliteration, Authoress Lady began bouncing in her seat and throwing her arms around in a wild mockery of the dances she'd seen in the videos.
She spent the first verse bouncing from side to side, but as the chorus came up... "Suki sukissu kisu wo kudasai!" she sang offkey and at the top of her lungs. "Suki sukissu kisu wo mugendai!" she bounced happily as all her troubles melted away in a jpop induced adrenaline rush. "Suki sukissu kisu wa wakaru wa!" she wailed joyfully, lifting her hips up slightly in an enthusiastic version of the two girls rather innocent, yet strangely provocative, air humping/dance. "Suki sukissu robotto datte mo!"
'Thank you God!' Chihiro rejoiced, glad not to be damaged by this particular dance, however vulgar it was. However, her elation quickly turned to fear as Authoress Lady threw both hands up over her head and began shaking them violently while attempting to do circles in her seat.
"Shabara ran ran ran ran raara!" she sang cheerfully, right hand hitting the wall and the poster with each rotation of her wrist, causing it to rip in several places along the bottom. "Shabara ran ran ran ran raara! SHABARA RAN RAN RAN RAN RAARA!! Robo ROBO!!!" (4)
After several more rounds of that, the song ended and Authoress Lady, noticing the damage to the poster, ran her hand over the bottom edge to wipe away the dust, completely ignoring the vicious tears.
Instead of listening to more music, which could become a full day's diversion if she'd had the right combination of soda and chocolate, she instead went back online, determined to find some way to cure her block.
Going to her favorite generator site, which she usually only used for a quick laugh, she opened up the plot twist generator.
"At this juncture a barbarian turns on the lights."
'Well...alright," Authoress Lady thought with a shrug and went back to her story.
------
Suddenly, a bright light illuminated the darkened ballroom as all the candles, chandeliers and the sun was turned on. That is, the candles were lit and the curtains were ripped back allowing the bright morning sun in. Harry hissed in discontent, shielding himself with his hands. The Death Eaters blinked and rubbed at their eyes, trying to make the white spots in their vision go away.
"The light! The light! I can't stand the light!" Remus cried, hunching down behind Sirius and throwing his hands over his face much as Harry had.
Sirius nudged him with his foot. "That's Harry's line," he said, rolling his eyes. "You're a werewolf, remember?"
"Oh," Remus said, as if just remembering. "I forgot." Standing back up, he looked over to the open door.
There stood a large man with bulging muscles, bronze skin and long, knotted hair. He wore nothing but an animal skin over his unmentionable bits and thong sandals made out of something cute and fuzzy that would have made Pansy weep.
The poor girl had never been the same since she learned exactly what venison was.
In one hand he held a long spear topped with a crude arrowhead and the other was poised over the muggle style light switch which ignited all the candles.
"Gah!" Dolohov exclaimed. "What'd you do that for, you great savage!?"
"Sorry," the brutish man said. "I was looking for Fufu."
"Fufu?"Adeline asked in confusion.
"Yeah," the man replied. "She escaped again. If I don't catch her soon, we'll never find the Sorting Hat. I just hope she hasn't chewed holes in it. If she has, Mister Potter's gonna sack me for sure." Noticing Harry, he blinked stupidly. "Cor...did you start aging backwards or something? Oh, wait. I must have stepped through one of those time-space portal dealies. The world just hasn't been the same since that terrible explosion what claimed a vast majority of the castle. So many lives lost. Horrible. Tragic. And the fish! Why, just last week we found a cod in the headmaster's oatmeal. 'Course, that wasn't near as bad as the rain of salmon during that Slytherin-Ravenclaw Quidditch match. Just glad it wasn't swordfish again. Madam Pomfrey was having kittens, but we had a good stand-in as school nurse til she got back. Well, I better go find that plot hole before it closes!"
"Wait!" Harry exclaimed, horrified by the man's rambling. Being no stranger to meddling in time, Harry hoped he could prevent whatever had happened, if only for Madam Pomfrey's sake. "Where, or when, are you from?"
"Me?" the barbarian asked, pointing to himself. "I'm from a chapter far far away," he answered, gazing off into space and making strange hand waggles vaguely reminiscent of everyone's favorite slightly crazy, drunken, effeminate, possibly gay, pirate captain. Turning to leave, he said in parting, "I really gotta go. Miss Granger is planing to release her flying monkeys at the minister's parade and I don't want to miss it. Toodles!"
And just like that, the man was gone as everyone stared in shock at where he'd been.
------
Authoress Lady paused, once again stuck, and so she turned to the plot twist generator once more.
"At this point your antagonist arrives and ransacks the building."
Authoress Lady chuckled evilly as she set back to work.
------
While Harry and his minions were busy in the ballroom with the time traveling barbarian, a malicious presence slipped into the house unseen. Twisted, gnarled, creepy oldman hands rifled through Harry's undie drawer, pawing the childsized boxers with glee. With a perverted glint in his bloodshot eyes, he tucked them away into his robes before moving on. Ever so stealthily, he turned out all the drawers in the mansion, searching for more hidden treasure and strewing the contents all over the floor. Finally deciding there were no more to be had, he slipped back out of the house, pausing only once to take a long swig from his bottle of lemon schnaps, before apparating back to Hogwarts.
------
Authoress Lady chuckled some more as she envisioned just such a scene, but once again, she was stuck.
"Clearly, it is time for llamas."
However, before she could begin to impose artiodactylan mayhem on the cast, a silky voice said from behind her, "Imperio."
Authoress Lady's eyes glazed over and a mindless smile turned her lips upwards.
------
Suddenly, Harry threw himself at Lucius' feet and began pleading for the handsome blonde to make him his eternal love slave. All the other Death Eaters followed suit, bowing low before the godly form of the Malfoy lord and pledging their unfailing loyalty. And so it came to pass that Lucius Malfoy became Emperor of the World and all people the world over worshipped at his feet. He was served by a large harem of gorgeous men and beautiful women and the occasional pretty young boy, and Harry became his constant companion and their love inspired sonnets, and everyday they were paraded about on on a litter of gold born by handsome, well-muscled male slaves while beautiful, scantily-clad women frolicked alongside. All was right in their happy world and -
------
"Damn it, Lucius," another voice growled. "It's my turn. Stop hogging the authoress! Imperio!"
------
- and eventually the truth came out when it was revealed that Lucius Malfoy had been imprisoned in a gilded cage for years while Severus Snape impersonated him, but no one really cared, and they were all afraid to say anything against him anyway. For his wrath was powerful and quick, like the striking -
------
"Severus, stop it!" Lucius demanded. "You're ruining the story!"
"Oh, like your version is so much better!"
"Well, at least everyone is happy in mine! You've got everyone afraid of you!"
"As well they should be!"
"It doesn't matter. We all know that Authoress Lady likes me better. Imperio!"
Before she could go back to writing Lucius' version of events, Severus pointed his wand at her again.
"She does not! Imperio!"
"Does too! Imperio!"
"Does not! Imperio!"
"Does too! Imperio!"
"Not! Imperio!"
"Too! Imperio!"
"Not! Imperio!"
"Too! Imperio!"
By now Authoress Lady was twitching convulsively as the two men fought for control. Her left eye was blinking uncontrollably while her right was glassy and unseeing. Her fingers spasmed randomly as she attempted to write both versions at once. Finally, her body gave out, her eyes crossed and she slumped over, head hitting the keyboard with a dull thud.
------
nb f bgc bffvj yhuf yhjvfhj vuyhg nu gbhy dc glyuigyu fuiyjhvh yufvh hnfkrdjs nvcm,jk rsakldh whnfcakl gjuolk gsgfdhu
------
A puddle of drool formed under her head as the two men stared at her with wide eyes. Glancing at each other warily, they wondered just what consequences would come from killing the authoress. Would their world descend into chaos? Would it split off into various different worlds all based upon each individual characters ideal versions of the story? Would it implode? Would they simply cease to be?
"Now look what you've done!" Lucius said, pointing an accusing finger at the other man. "You broke her!"
"Me!?" Severus declared incredulously. "This is all your fault!"
With that, the two began shooting curses at each other in a furious duel.
Slumped over her desk, Authoress Lady gave an imbecilic giggle and gurgled a bit.
(1) For anyone who's never had a Star Crunch, they're like rice cakes covered with chocolate and caramel. Very yummy. They're particularly good when heated. They go all melty and gooey, while still keeping their shape so you can eat it with your hands.
(2) I don't keep sex toys on my desk, I swear! I have young impressionable cousins who sneak up on me in my room at random times, so it would be supremely unwise. ... The sex toys are in my underwear drawer. . Weeell, there was that time I forgot and left the fuzzy handcuffs out, but I stuck them under my pillow before any of those young impressionable cousins (or the not so young and impressionable cousins who would kill for blackmail material) saw them.
(3) Those would be Alex and Luna (the Dark Goddess) from Lunar 1, Hiro and Lucia from Lunar 2, Kamui from X, and Chihiro from Spirited Away. I also have the ever-so-lovely Cap'n Jack Sparrow on the back of my door. Savvy?
(4) Twenty thousand points to anyone who knows who that song (Robokiss) is by.