A/N: Kill me. Yeah, do it! I haven't updated this story in ages...but no worries, you won't wait any longer because:
a) It's finally here and...
b) I have decided this is the last chapter! Yes! Because all good things must come to an end, and to be honest, my interest in Naruto is lacking lately. I don't know if it will ever peak up again. I mean, I've even stopped following the manga! ::gasp:: It doesn't get any more serious than that. Oh, and sorry if my writing's a little hard to understand – you see, I suddenly have an intriguing addiction to Artemis Fowl, so I'll probably write or technical or something .
Dissie (disclaimer): I own Naruto about as much as I'm interested in the current plotline...which is about 0 percent.
Well anyway, I'm sorry for not updating, don't forget Hidan's swear words, and here's the story:
Pein slapped his forehead for the thirteenth time that minute, recognising the fact that thirteen was considered unlucky. And despite being the leader of Akatsuki, he had some superstitions. "We can't do this," he growled.
Kisame looked up. He had decided to ignore the argument that was raging on at the other side of the cavern and was now examining his Samehada for scratches. "Why not, Leader-sama?"
Said Leader-sama glared, and Kisame dropped his gaze immediately. It wasn't nice being glared by their leader, because the orange-haired shadow had a very menacing glare. Namely the Rin'negan. "Because, Kisame -kun, the Kyuubi has a very interesting artefact here, that could send us all to our doom," he said irritably.
At the sound of the honorific, Kisame frowned. Leader-sama putting honorifics after someone's name? The world was definitely corrupted. He opened his mouth to reply, perhaps a query about the 'kun' part of his name that had suddenly been added on, and then closed his mouth again. Why? Because a certain raven-haired Uchiha was glaring daggers into his back. If looks could kill, this was the closest it got.
"I do not see anything very dangerous here," Itachi deadpanned.
Pein twitched and resisted the urge to slap his forehead. Was it his imagination, or was the Akatsuki getting dumber by the minute?
"Well, Itachi-kun," Pein said slyly, "do you not see that book the Kyuubi is clutching onto? I recognise it. It is none other than the only copy of the 'Guide to Villains' in existence!"
As the sentence came to a stop, a loud snigger was heard. "And the Guide to Villains is strawberry harmful why, exactly?" Hidan smirked. "Oh yeah, and don't call me that kun shit."
Pein eyed his second-newest coldly. "The Guide to Villains," he muttered ominously (one could almost hear the music playing in the background), "is a sacred book written by none other than the First Hokage himself! In there is the secret on how to defeat even the smartest, strongest and most cunning villains!"
Zetsu blinked. "Wow...That was melodramatic..."
--
Meanwhile, Uzumaki Naruto had problems of his own. And what were those problems? A long story short, the rest of Akatsuki not engaged in Pein's conversation were terrorizing him. He cowered in a corner, giving the members wide-eyed stares.
"Ku ku ku, the Kyuubi is ours at last!" Kakuzu proclaimed dramatically, pointing a threatening finger at Naruto, who began to flick fervently through his book.
"You guys are...villains?" the blond sniffed, pointing innocently at Tobi.
"No no no, Naruto-kun, we're good boys," said the masked man. Naruto imagined a twinkle in his eyes.
But this time, he didn't believe it. "Nuuuuu. The handbook has never got me in trouble and I'm sticking to it!" It looks like a certain someone is getting smarter. Slightly.
"Candy?" Konan offered, spilling out a bunch of candy canes.
Naruto's eyes widened and he accepted it immediately. "Thanks-ttebayo! It looks like the handbook was wrong after all. You guys are good!"
"Let's all forget about this Kyuubiness and throw a party!" With Tobi's tone of voice, one could imagine him smiling wildly. But what they didn't know was that the Madara underneath the mask was very pissed.
Bang.
Everyone's attention immediately spun to the entrance of the Akatsuki hideout to see the stone had been blasted open to forcibly make entrance for a certain blond. No, not Naruto, but close. Everyone stared, horrified, at what the certain blond did to the door, except for Tobi, who chose this instant to pounce.
"Deidara-sempai!"
The pyromaniac threw Tobi off him and proceeded towards Pein, trampling all in his way: namely everyone else in Akatsuki.
"Sorry I'm late, Leader-sama," he huffed, throwing a furious stare at Tobi's direction. "The stupid lollipop-loving loser didn't inform me about when we were going to leave...un..."
Two Rin'negan eyes stared menacingly. "No worries, Deidara-kun, we seemed to have managed ourselves fine."
Deidara reeled back, shocked by Pein's honorific epidemic, and proceeded to trample over everyone again.
Itachi lifted himself up from the floor with as much dignity as he could muster. "L-Leader-sama," he said icily, although the effect was somewhat ruined by the stutter, "care to tell us why you are adding kun after our names?"
Pein stared cluelessly. "Well, it's fun, of course," he smiled. "Let's throw a party!"
"Okay!" Naruto and Tobi yelled.
In that exact moment, six Akatsuki members tore off their cloaks and hats. "We resign!"
Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Deidara who had just come in stormed out of the place. Pein and Konan watched them go.
"Pein, I believe you may have just lost six of your members," Konan said, after a distinct pause.
The Leader of the now disbanded Akatsuki shrugged. "Why want members when you can have a party?"
Naruto smiled brightly. "You guys aren't bad after all!"
--
A very short Epilogue
As soon as the former Akatsuki members trampled out of sight, Pein glared at Naruto with his infamous Rin'negan. "Now, I can rule the world! Kukuku! Kyuubi, prepare to die!"
Naruto blinked twice.
Then he started crying.