Three (Season 5 - post Between Two Fires)
***
At 0300 hours on a Saturday morning, the SGC was eerily quiet. Jack strolled the hallways in an effort to keep himself awake and alert. He was on command night duty of the base. The job was shared by all SG team leaders; as senior officers, they were required, on a rotational basis, to provide night command of the facility. Jack was pulling the weekend shift after losing a bet to Reynolds that meant he had to give up his weekday night duty for the much less desirable weekend roster.
The SGC had been blessedly quiet while on Jack's watch and he'd kept himself occupied by annoying the gate technicians, drinking copious amounts of coffee and avoiding the massive pile of paperwork Hammond had left as a hint on the desk. When he'd grown tired of annoying the gate techs, he'd taken to walking the silent corridors, enjoying the peace and quiet that was unusual for the frontline facility.
It had been a rough couple of months. They'd lost too many people, too many allies were gone, and the constant threat of impending doom was starting to take its toll. Even the resilient SG1 was starting to show cracks; Daniel had been getting more and more snippy and Carter had buried herself even worse than usual in her lab. Teal'c showed his ever-present strong façade but Jack could see the worry in his dark eyes. Daniel he was a little concerned about; some of his barbs had taken on a sharper note than usual. But he was still, for the most part, holding up under the strain.
It was Carter he was most worried about. She in particular had lost a number of close friends within a short space of time. Martouf, Orlin, Narim and even Joe had joined the ever growing list of admirers who had bitten the dust. He was reasonably sure that she hadn't been anything but close friends with any of the men she had lost, Jack didn't like to delve too deeply into his discomfort with Carter having male company. Still, thankfully she'd never shown anything but friendship towards any of the men, as far as he was aware, but that didn't mean their losses hadn't hit her hard. Jack knew that despite the strong image she projected, Sam had taken each loss to heart and had consequently withdrawn further into herself with each incident. It was only three weeks since the Aschen mission, and Jack knew it was killing her inside that she had left Joe behind. He'd supported her decision; as much as it was his own personal rule to never leave a man behind, Carter had had no choice and he had strongly voiced his thoughts at the lengthy debriefing with Simmons which had followed.
Nothing any of them seemed to say had lifted the fog of failure and sadness that seemed to follow Sam wherever she went. She barely left her lab, not even to join them for lunch or for their regular team nights.
Jack entered the hallway that led to the major's lab and frowned when he saw a light from the doorway. He knew she'd been staying late, and he'd let it slide as he couldn't bear to take the only bit of comfort she still had, but this was getting ridiculous. He surged forward, suddenly angry; not at Carter but at the whole damned situation. It wasn't fair that she had to deal with this, not when she'd done so much good for the world.
Her lab was surprisingly quiet and he stopped just inside when he spotted Carter, her head resting on her folded arms on her lab desk. He sighed; she was fast asleep, her face peaceful, but her skin was pale and there were dark shadows beneath her closed eyes that told of not enough sunlight and too many late nights. Her right hand loosely grasped a pen and he could just see crumpled paper under her arms; she'd obviously worked right up to the point of exhaustion, until her tired body couldn't take any more.
His heart clenched painfully at the sight of her and he was loathe to disturb her but he couldn't leave her in that hunched-over position. She'd have a terrible back ache when she woke if she slept like that all night. He put a warm hand on her shoulder and shook her awake.
"Carter?" His voice was soft, but loud enough to wake her. Carter started and lifted her head quickly.
"What?" She sounded sleepy and confused as she reoriented herself to the lab, "Sir?"
"Caught you sleeping on the job, Carter…" Jack kept his tone light, trying not to show the worry in his eyes.
"Oh, sorry sir, I was just working on the schematics for the reactor and I closed my eyes for just a second." Carter sounded flustered as she smoothed out the papers she had crumpled.
"Don't sweat it, Carter," Jack said gently, "How 'bout you go bunk down for a few hours in your quarters."
"I need to finish the-"
"No," Jack said more firmly, "What you need is to sleep."
"It will only take five minutes, sir," Sam tried to argue, but her pleading blue eyes would not work on him this time.
"No, Carter," Jack took the papers out of her hands, "You're dead on your feet, we have a mission in three days and I need you at 100%. Understood?"
Sam dropped her eyes, sounding worried, "Has my work performance suffered?"
Jack shook his head firmly; Carter's work never suffered, she was the model officer and performed every task required of her no matter what the stress involved. That wasn't the point though; sooner or later she wouldn't be able to hold so much on her shoulders. She needed to rest.
"No, but it's not healthy to spend so much time with your doohickie's, Carter," Jack said evenly and his wandering hands picked up a strange metal box from her lab bench. He fiddled with the lid, trying to find the catch that would open it, "You never leave, not even for lunch, and I can't remember the last time you came to a team night."
"I've had work to do, sir," Sam said, her tone wary as she reached out and smoothly took the box from his hands and put it out of his reach, "I do leave the lab."
"But you're avoiding us." Jack said, his voice serious and his hands suddenly still, "What's going on?"
"Nothings going on," Sam shook her head, "I'm not avoiding anyone."
"Yes you are," Jack said uncomfortably, "Look, I know the past year or so you've lost some good friends…"
Sam turned away slightly, "I'm fine, we lose people all the time."
"You lost a lot of people important to you Carter," Jack reached out his hand and put it close to hers on the bench, not touching but close enough so she could feel the heat from his skin, "I know it's hard but we can't help you if you shut yourself away."
Sam shook her head again in denial, "I don't need help."
"Carter you look like crap," Jack said bluntly, "You don't sleep, hardly eat and never socialise with anything that's not electrical. It's not affecting your work yet, but it will start to if you don't stop this and talk to someone… doesn't have to be me but you gotta stop hiding."
Sam was silent for a long while, her head bent so that Jack couldn't see her face. He felt awful about giving her such a blazing critique but he had no other way of getting through to her. Letting her deal with it herself wasn't working, Daniel and Teal'c had tried to no avail and the subtle approach had failed.
"It's my fault," her voice was almost a whisper, "It's my fault they're all gone."
Jack frowned, he wasn't surprised she blamed herself, that was true to Carter's usual style, but to truly believe she was at fault for all those men, and one actual race, must have been too great a weight to bear, "How'd ya figure that, Carter?"
"I left Joe behind, I did nothing as Orlin was killed, Narim would never have done anything against his people if it wasn't for… how he felt about me. And Martouf… I killed him." Her voice was anguished now and her words became muffled as she buried her face in her hands.
"You had no choice with Joe," Jack started with the most recent, he'd already told her this but it seemed that maybe persistence was his only option, "We can all take the blame for his… loss. You know we'll never stop looking for him."
"I know," Sam's voice sounded like she'd given up, "They've probably killed him."
"I don't think that's the Aschen style, Carter, he's probably living the farmer's life now," Jack said. He probably was; assuming, that is, he'd survived whatever methods of torture the Aschen practiced in order to gain information - but he wasn't about to share that thought with Carter.
"Maybe." Sam shrugged sadly.
"Orlin… he made his own choice, and I doubt he's dead, didn't you say he did the whole glowy thing?" Jack didn't know much about the Ancient being who had followed Carter home through the gate. He didn't like to think about it much; the thought that Carter had become so close to the other man made him uncomfortable and touched on feelings of jealously he had no right to have.
"I guess." Another shrug, but this time she looked almost like she believed him, or that she wanted to believe him.
"Narim.. he was an honourable guy Carter, he did the right thing. You know that, and to blame yourself for his fate and what happened to the Tollan… they brought that on themselves." Jack didn't like the Tollan, had never liked them, but Narim had done Earth a huge favor and he'd always be thankful to him for that, no matter how much the guy had irritated him with his puppy dog eyes at Carter, "The Tollan weren't innocent, but Narim was a good guy. I'm sorry he paid for their mistakes, but he made his decision to stay with his people. His decision, not yours."
"I know," Carter seemed to at least understand with Narim. As hard as it must have been to lose another friend, she was not directly responsible for his demise, no matter which way she spun the story.
"Martouf…" Jack trailed off, the Tok'ra in general were not a topic they usually discussed, and they avoided the topic of the zatarc incident at all costs. Not so much because of Martouf, but because of the confessions made on that day, which were still locked away in that room. He'd never seen eye to eye with Martouf, but the guy always had Carter's best interests at heart, and any fool with eyes could see that he loved her not so much for herself but for the dead lover's memories she carried within her. Jack found it creepy, he suspected Carter did too, but she was still Martouf's friend despite not returning any romantic feelings the Tok'ra had projected, it had killed him to see her grieve over his death and not be able to do anything to comfort her.
"You can't deny I killed Martouf, sir." Sam said defiantly, her voice anguished, "I pulled the trigger."
"You may have pulled the trigger Carter, but you didn't make him a zatarc… you didn't create that situation," Jack replied before she could further confirm her guilt.
"I should have made sure he got tested," Sam didn't seem to hear him, her eyes looked blankly past him as she spoke, "I should have found another way than to kill him."
"Carter, you had your own worries at the time," Jack said loudly, trying to get through to her, "No one picked it up. It wasn't just you who missed that one."
"I should have been the one to notice."
"Why?"
"Because I…" She stopped and just shook her head despairingly.
"It's Jolinar's guilt you're feeling Carter. Yes you pulled the trigger, but it wasn't your fault he wasn't tested. You did your duty as an officer in the gateroom, you did what Martouf wanted, asked you to do as a friend; you did the right thing and saved lives," Jack said passionately. He believed his words; as much as Sam tried to ignore Jolinar's presence, he knew that the symbiote could still be felt. She still had the memories inside her and she could feel the emotions as if they were her own. He knew she had dreams about the Tok'ra, had heard her mumble phrases in her sleep while off world, dreams from which she would wake disoriented sometimes and need a shake into reality before she resettled.
Sam closed her eyes and whispered, "I still see his face…"
Jack moved his hand to grasp hers tightly and said softly, "He wouldn't want you to blame yourself."
She just sighed deeply, "I'm kind of tired, sir."
Jack decided he'd probably said all he could in one night. He'd leave the rest for a much more tactful Daniel, who could maybe reach out to Sam now, Jack seemed to only have minimal success reaching out to Major Carter, but clearly the woman behind the major was still hurting. But it wasn't right for him to fix that, he was her C.O. and it wasn't how things were done between them, no matter how much he wanted to.
"How about I walk you to your quarters," he said as he slowly slipped his hand free of hers and waited while she shut down her lab equipment. They walked in silence to her quarters and Jack stopped her before she could open the door.
"You don't have to avoid us," Jack said an almost hurt tone in his voice, "I still don't get that."
Sam looked up at him briefly before her eyes flicked away from his face, her voice was quiet, "I just… I'm bad luck sir."
Jack scoffed, "Carter that's ridiculous."
"Is it sir?" Sam said, her voice sure and her eyes holding a sort of grim resolve, "I've heard the rumours… 'black widow Carter'."
"Who said that?" Jack snapped angrily, he'd transfer the bastards to Alaska. No, to Russia; and he'd demote them down to Airman. That was after he'd had the chance to rearrange their face, and let Teal'c and Daniel have a go at them too.
"It doesn't matter," Sam mumbled, "I've lost… I couldn't lose you… guys too."
Jack let the anger slide away at her quiet words tinged with despair, "Goes both ways Carter, we don't wanna lose you. But," he paused and waited until she looked into his concerned face, "It kinda feels like we are losing you, just a bit."
Jack held Sam's eyes for a long moment, letting his words sink in. He waited until the resolve faded from her eyes and she nodded, "I guess, maybe I was being a little stupid about avoiding you."
"Stupid? You?" Jack lightened his voice, trying to get rid of the sombre expression on her face, "You don't have it in you, Carter."
Her lips quirked into a half smile but her heart wasn't in it, "That's something else we'll have to disagree on."
"Something else?" Jack raised his eyebrows, he assumed she was still feeling at least some of the blame she seemed to placed on herself. The woman had to have some sort of complex, "At least think on some of what I said, Carter."
"Yes sir," Sam nodded. Jack wasn't sure, but he hoped she actually would hear the sense behind what they had discussed.
"Ya know, I am right; once in awhile," Jack said with a small smile, "Now go to sleep."
"Good night sir." Sam slipped into her quarters.
Jack watched her door for a moment before letting his feet lead him away. He paced the corridors on her level for half an hour, making sure she didn't try to escape back into her lab, but it seemed as though she had finally gone to sleep. He returned to the control room, his shoulders feeling heavy at the weight he had seen in Carter's eyes. He hoped he had done some good; it was all he could do, not all he wanted to, but all he was allowed.
***
End Part Three