It had only been two days since she left Drovers. To Stevie it felt like two years. She ached for the place she had come to know as home. To breathe the country air, to scuff her boots in the dirt, to smell the horses, she longed for her life back.
And Alex.....
"No!" She said aloud to herself. "Don't think about him." She wondered if being cooped up in this motel room was making her crazy, talking to herself.
The thought of going home had crossed her mind more than once. What she would give to have Regan put her arms strongly around her and just cry. Regan wouldn't press her to explain anything, she would just be there. And more than anything she felt at this moment, Stevie felt alone.
No not alone, abandoned. She told herself she had run from him, from Drovers, so she could hardly call herself abandoned. Her hand moved instinctivly to her stomach, gently rubbing the place that her baby was safely growing. She looked at herself in the mirror, trying so hard to see any sign of pregnancy. There was no visable sign this early in the pregnancy, no sign but for the morning sickness. And she began to wonder if she was really pregnant at all, had she imagined the whole thing? Had she imagined the look in Alex eyes as he refused to promise he'd never leave her? Had she imagined him weeping over Claire's grave and realising that his heart belonged to a ghost, and not to her?
She lay down on the bed curled up and closed her eyes. If she tried hard enough she might fall asleep and wake up in that field of Killarney in Alex arms, and the rest of those awful things wouldnt have happened. She would turn to him, and tell him she was pregnant, and he would leap for joy, he would kiss her, and hold her, and place his stong hands on her belly and start talking to their unborn child. He woud love the baby, she didn't doubt that. She wondered though, would he love this baby as much as Charlotte? Charlotte wasn't even his, but Stevie saw the way Alex bonded with her, was that becuase she was Claire's daughter? She didn't want her baby to grow up feeling second best to its father. But she didn't want it growing up with no father at all. She tried to think of the baby, but in that moment she could not get past her own pain, and how she could possibly survive it.
These thoughts confused her, and she put it down to pregnancy hormones making her act irationally. It wasn't fair to take his child away. But if he never knew about the baby what difference would it make? He wouldnt miss the baby if he didn't know about it, and he wouldnt miss her, Stevie knew that for sure. She wondered about the baby growing up fatherless. She knew it wasn't right. But she just couldnt face Alex right now. Not after he had just shattered her heart into pieces. She needed to be some where safe with her baby where he couldn't hurt her. She just needed time, and rest, and everything would work out.
As she drifted into a resltess sleep she placed her hands securely on her belly as if that would somehow make her unborn childs future secure. And right as she was about to fall asleep she could swear she felt Alex hand on hers, gently touching her and whispering "I love you Stevie. I love you. I love you. I love you." Her heart skipped a beat and she opened her eyes to find she was alone in that cold motel room. She pulled the blanket around her and tried to think of the joy of being pregnant. She gave up on the idea of sleep, for even in sleep there was no respite from her pain.
She tried to be glad for all the things that would be different this time. All the things she had wanted to be for Rose, she would be for this baby. It was her second chance to make things right, and her and the baby would be fine, they didn't need Alex. Rose would be thrilled to bits to have a baby sibling, Stevie tried to make herself smile thinking thoughts like that. But one thing kept coming back to her....Alex.
She had been connected to him always, and she had always known it even though he had not. And now a part of him grew inside of her. They would be connected forever. She wondered if it would hurt this much forever. If the joy of the brief perfect love would be worth a life time of pain.
She tried to tell herself it was better this way. There were things she had not told him, things that happened while he was away. She didn't know how to tell him, and wasn't sure she even would. And now she didn't have to face that dilema. In exchange for giving up that glorious moment of telling she was pregnant, she would get out of telling him the thing she most dreaded telling him. And perhaps losing out on a lifetime of love with him was a fair trade after all.
Everywhere her mind went was a dark place, to Alex, to her own mistakes, regrets, things she could not change or make right, fears for the baby, fears for the future. She could no longer stand it and finally gave in, picked up the phone and dialled the only number she could think of.