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CHAPTER FOUR
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Goku and Artemis finally made their way out of the tall grass surrounding the city of A-kon. The tall saiya-jin tilted his head to the side as he looked up at the looming fortress.
Artemis grinned in a triumphant manner. "Oh, that's it. That's A-kon, I told you I'd find it!" He crowed.
Goku scratched his chin as he stared at the twin towers of the fortress. They were unusually big and tall; they almost reminded him of a certain part of male body. "So, that must be Lord Darien's castle," He commented off-handedly.
Artemis nodded his head. "Yeah that's the place."
Goku smirked down at his companion. "Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?" He chuckled to himself as he strode forward, ignoring Artemis's confused look.
Artemis blinked for a moment before he realized that Goku had moved on. "Hey, wait! Wait up, Goku!" He cried as he ran to catch up.
The two travelers approached a villager standing in front of what looked like some kind of ticket booth. The human was dressed in an absurd looking costume that was probably an image of Lord Darien, but if that was truly the case then the man lacked much in the looks department. Goku raised his hand and smiled his best at the human. "Hey, you!" He called.
The poor villager let out the most horrified shriek Goku had ever heard, and went running through the short maze of ropes towards the ticket booth. Goku watched him run and tried to get him to stop by talking to him. "Wait a second..! Look, I'm not going to eat you! I just, well I just--" He sighed in defeat and walked straight through the rope guides, knocking them all down to the ground.
Artemis stifled a laugh as he followed his taller friend, and they both stopped and shook their heads at the costumed human who, in his hurry, had run straight into the ticket bar and knocked himself out cold. Artemis and Goku sidestepped the fallen human and walked through the turn-stall and into a very clean and very empty town square.
Goku glanced around at the empty houses, vacant shops, and silent alleys.
"It's quiet... too quiet. Where is everybody?" He exclaimed in bewilderment.
Artemis looked around and spotted a small booth that read "Information," on a large sign. "Hey look at this!" He yelled as he ran over and pulled the lever. A strange ticking sound, like that of a bomb emitted from within the booth. Artemis showed his bravery by jumping behind Goku and peeking around his elbow at the small structure. Goku was about to shove him away when the ticking stopped, and the doors opened to reveal a miniature scene and tiny, mechanical puppets. Artemis grinned and stepped out from behind Goku as the little people began to sing.
"Welcome to A-kon, such a per-fect town, here we have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get a-long fine, A-kon is a perfect plaace! Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your---face. A-kon is, A-kon is, A-kon is a peer-feect plaaaace!"
The tiny people ended their song on an annoyingly high note, and the doors to the little show shut with a bang and a flash. The flash was actually a welcome picture that popped out of the bottom of the booth. Goku stared at the structure in mute disgust, while Artemis just stared. The smaller feline suddenly snapped out of his trance and grinned at Goku
"Wooooow. Let's do that again!" He immediately rushed towards the booth again, stopping only when he was yanked back by his tail. Goku glared down at the perky cat.
"No, no! No, no, no," He frowned, as Artemis didn't seem to be listening. He leaned in till he was right in the cat's face and whispered. "No."
Artemis practically pranced down the pathway as he hummed the catchy theme song that the information booth had sung. Goku could feel the fur on his tail puffing out with his annoyance... Artemis had been humming that damned song non-stop since he had heard it! Goku whipped around and grabbed the feline by the back of his neck.
"All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom," He warned tensely.
Artemis felt his face heat up with a blush. He lowered his eyes and mumbled. "Sorry 'bout that."
Goku released him, and they entered into a large courtyard where it seemed that Lord Darien was giving some sort of speech to a cheering crowd and several dismal looking knights.
The Lord was right in the middle of his announcement. "That champion shall have the honor-- no, no, the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Rei from the fiery keep of the monster. If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up shall take his place... and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice.. I am willing to make. Let the tournament begin!"
Lord Darien threw his fist into the air as the crowd cheered wildly. He lowered his eyes to his gathered knights and noticed a strange, hairy, pink creature standing in the midst of his warriors.
"What is that? It's hideous!" He cried. The crowd gasped as Goku and Artemis looked around, now at the center of everyone's attention.
Goku shook his head. "Well, that's not very nice," He chided, as Artemis nodded at his friends' remark. "It's just Artemis," Goku continued.
The white feline blinked unintelligently. "Huh?"
Darien sneered down at the monkey. "Indeed... Knights! New plan---The one that kills the Saiya-jin will be named champion. Have at them!" He bellowed.
Artemis and Goku backed up as the knights turned towards them and drew their weapons. The taller saiya-jin backed into a table and picked up a small cup of ale.
"Oh come on now, can't we just settle this over a pint?" He asked as he smiled at the unimpressed knights.
"No? All right then." He guzzled the drink down and slammed the cup over the nozzle on the giant ale keg, showering the knights with the force of the erupting liquid. "Come on!" He yelled as he slid out over the muddy ground. He knocked several knights over as he slid past them and snatched up a spear.
Artemis had climbed up onto the empty keg and was perched on the rounded top. He was trying to stay out of the way, but as his luck would have it, the barrel began to shift and roll under him. He gulped as he looked over the edge at the two unlucky humans below. The men didn't have time to yell as Artemis unintentionally ran them over with his runaway barrel. The white feline shrugged his shoulders at Goku as he rolled past him, mowing down another seven knights in the process. He was just beginning to enjoy his ride when it came to an abrupt halt, as he smashed the barrel into a wall. He stood up and shook the stars from his head, looking up in time to catch the end of Goku's fight.
The saiya-jin was having a one on ten wrestling match, and he was kicking some serious ass. Artemis cheered his buddy from the sidelines and smirked as the crowd began to cheer with him. Goku threw the last knight out of the ring and lifted his hands up into the air, egging the crowd on.
"Oh yeah! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!" he snickered at the ecstatic humans.
But the crowd suddenly went deathly silent, as hundreds of crossbows were suddenly aimed at Goku and Artemis.
Juunanagou leaned over and whispered to Darien. "Shall I give the order, sir?" He raised an eyebrow as his lord waved his hand at him.
"No, I have a better idea." He smiled wickedly for a moment then turned towards the crowd. "People of A-kon, I give you, our champion!" He cried at the cheering crowd.
Goku looked more than confused. "What?" He asked, and Artemis lifted an eyebrow quizzically.
Lord Darien smirked at his unlucky monkey. "Congratulations, Saiya-jin, you have won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest."
He would have continued, but Goku yelled out in indignation.
"Quest? I'm all ready on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back!" He growled.
Darien put his offense to the side for a moment as he regarded the hairy beast. "Your swamp?" He asked coolly.
Goku was more than angry as he pointed his finger up at the pompous man. "Yes, my swamp! Where you dumped those anime characters!" He roared.
Darien smirked once more as a plan formed in his mind. "Indeed... All right saiya-jin, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I will give you your swamp back," He smiled, as Goku seemed to be thinking it over.
"Exactly the way it was?" Goku tilted his head as he questioned the man; he didn't trust him very much.
Darien rolled his eyes. "Down to the last slime covered toadstool," He elaborated.
Goku narrowed his eyes at him. "And the squatters?" He pushed.
"As good as gone," Darien retorted.
Goku glanced at the hundreds of arrows. Even if he made a run for it, he wouldn't get very far. "What kind of quest?" He asked.
Artemis tripped over a sunflower stem but kept himself upright, as he walked along behind Goku through the tall fields they were now trudging through.
"Ok, let me get this straight: You're gonna go fight a monster, and rescue a princess, just so Darien will give you back your swamp, which you only don't have cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?" He summarized.
Goku sighed. "You know what? Maybe there's a reason giant cats shouldn't talk." He silently hoped Artemis would get his hint.
That obviously didn't happen. "I don't get it, Goku. Why didn't you just pull some of that level four stuff on him? You know, lay siege to his fortress, throttle him, and grind his bones to make your bread. You know, the whole level four trip," He rattled.
Goku stopped walking and glared at his companion. "Oh, you know what, maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a plate, get a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?" He asked his now slightly green friend.
Artemis timidly shook his head. "Ah, no, not really, no," He muttered.
Goku sighed again. "For your information, there's a lot more to level four saiya-jins than people think." He shook his head and continued walking, chewing on an onion he had plucked out of the field.
Artemis trotted alongside him. "Example?" he asked. Goku glanced down at him.
"Example? Ok... Uh, level fours are... like onions," He exclaimed while lowering the onion to Artemis.
The cat sniffed it and made a face. "They stink?" he asked.
Goku smiled. "Yes--No!" He glared at him suddenly for making him trip up his speech.
Artemis smiled as a new idea struck him. "Oh, they make you cry," He said.
Goku felt his eye twitch with irritation. "No!" he yelled.
Artemis thought for a second. "Ooh, you leave 'em out in the sun and they get all brown, and start sproutin' little white heads," He was way off track now.
Goku ripped part of the onion off and shook it in his companions' face. "No! Layers! Onions have layers! Level fours have layers! Onions have layers... level four saiya-jins have layers. You get it? We both have layers!" He yelled in exasperation.
He threw the onion down and stomped on ahead. Artemis thought about what his friend had said. "Oh, you both have layers," he repeated unsurely. He leaned down and sniffed the onion, then made a face. "You know, not everybody likes onions," he said, looking thoughtful, and then it came to him. "Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!" He cried happily as he ran towards his lumbering buddy.
Goku turned towards him with a look of annoyance on his face. "I don't care what everyone likes! Level four saiya-jins are not like cakes," He said, and sighed as Artemis just continued on.
"You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits," Artemis rambled. "Have you ever met a person and you say, 'hey let's go get some parfaits,' and they say 'hell no, I don't like no parfaits.' Parfaits is delicious!"
He just went on and on... it was enough to drive a person insane. At least, that's how Goku was feeling at the moment. He snarled at the chatterbox. "No! You dense, irritating, blabbering hairball! Level four saiya-jins are like onions, end of story! Bye-bye... See you later." He sneered down at the surprised feline and then kept walking.
Artemis blinked for a brief moment, then closed his open mouth and ran after Goku. "Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet," He continued.
Goku could have pulled his ears out. It was impossible; the idiot just wouldn't shut up. The taller saiya-jin glowered at his chattering companion. "You know, I think I preferred your humming," He growled.
Artemis either didn't hear him, or didn't care about his comment. "You have a tissue or something? 'Cause I'm making a mess... Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering," He said with a sniffle. Obviously the conversation had made him more than a little wistful for a parfait.
Goku wished he could gag Artemis. He just knew this journey wouldn't be over soon enough.