Nikki tried to sit still, placing her hands firmly clasped in her lap. She kept her gaze fixed towards the front of the room, teeth clenched. It took every ounce of will power to remain so still, so silent. Anger burned in her blood. She felt the hand on her shoulder from behind, and heard the whisper from Yvonne.
'Stay cool.'
Yvonne was close enough she could feel her breathing against her neck, and yet the words echoed from so far away. Everything seemed so far away, and Nikki tried desperately to ground herself in the moment. She fixed her gaze to the crucifix at the front of the church and tried act as if she was engrossed in the memorial service.
Nikki knew it was important, Now of all times, to keep her cool. But she felt ready to explode. She breathed in deeply, telling herself that a week down the block wasn't worth it. It would be incredibly unpleasant as she well knew from prior experience. Now was not the time or place for any action. Yvonne was right, stay cool and shut up.
But somehow, in the midst of turmoil that surrounded the death of a fellow inmate on G wing, a spark glimmered in Nikki's mind. A forbidden thought. Would it be such a bad thing sent down the block? All alone in that room. Privacy was a rare thing at Larkhall. And Helen. Would Nikki's poor conduct warrant a visit from the governor? Childish images ran through her mind, Helen locking the door behind her as she entered the room, locking the world out. Just the two of them alone in their sweet sanctuary. Nikki heard the rumours that Helen was back early from holidays, and she wanted more than anything to have it out with her. She needed to explain. To make things right. She needed to get Helens attention just for a short while. and causing a scene at the memorial service might be just the perfect way to go about it.
Nikki's thoughts swung violently back and forth between this ideal fantasy, and the cold hard reality. Even if Helen took time from her busy schedule to visit Nikki down the block, it was unlikely to be a pleasant visit. The sweet accent of Helen's voice contrasted with the harsh tones in Nikki's imagination as she played out the scene in her mind. Helens eyes would stare, cold and hard. "Well, what have you done now?" She would ask. Her voice dripping with condemnation, frustration, and worse- disappointment. That disappointment, the expectation that it had been Nikki''s fault, the lack of surprise in Helens voice that Nikki had once again got herself sent down the block. All these things helped Nikki realise she needed to heed Yvonne's advice. Now was not the time for action. Stay cool.
Nikki managed to control herself, sitting still for the remainder of the memorial service appropriately. But she could not stop viewing scene in her head that her imagination had begun. Down the block, Helen visiting. Helens words came hard and fast, she needed no time to consider her verdict, no time to listen. "Lock her up and throw away the key" Helen said without emotion as she turned and walked away.