Sitting by the river, under the shade of an old olive tree, they spoke to each other of their childhood, sisters and brothers, plays and stories they had read, places they had seen, their hopes for the future.
Alexander took a deep breath and opened his heart in a way it had never been opened to anyone before. Hephaistion was special; Hephaistion was loyal and would not betray the trust. Alexander just knew it.
He told Hephaistion of the difficulties of living with parents who hated each other. How his mother made impossible demands, begged him to marry, tried to turn him against his father. Of the look on his father's face when he saw him with his mother, of the barrier between them, his father unsure of where his loyalties lay. Of the moment he was exiled, his time away from Pella thinking Macedonia was lost to him. His return, and the exile of his friends, even of Philip's threat to exile Hephaistion.
Hephaistion reached out his hand and placed it over Alexander's. "You've come through it, Alexander, it has made you strong, self-reliant." He stared solemnly into Alexander's eyes.
Alexander nodded his head, then lowered it to hide the tears filling them.
"I know you fear you will not inherit the crown but who says you have to be King of Macedon," Hephaistion said softly. "You could go out and conquer your own kingdom, Alexander."
Alexander looked up at Hephaistion, and smiled. "With you by my side?" he asked.
"With all of your friends," smiled Hephaistion, meaning to assure Alexander he would not be alone for long.
OOXXOO
As the sun began to sink behind the hills, Thespis came to tell them that supper would be ready soon.
Lamps were lit. Meda had gone to a lot of trouble to make the large room intimate. Flowers decorated the table, a bowl of fruit too, the table set, their places close together. Meda brought wine, while Thespis carried in the rabbit stew and bread, while Alexander and Hephaistion sat down.
Alexander thanked them and Thespis and Meda bowed and left. He noticed that they nudged each other, and Meda tried to conceal a giggle of delight.
He reached for the ladle in the large pot of stew and served a generous portion to Hephaistion and one for himself. Hephaistion poured the wine and passed a cup to Alexander, then offered him bread.
As they ate, Alexander told Hephaistion more of Mieza, answering Hephaistion's questions on Aristotle's philosophies, politics, what he was like.
"If you compare him with Leonidas, the man who tutored me before, he was a gift from the gods," Alexander said. "Leonidas would keep me hungry, march me, deny me comforts. I was always cold and tired, but he would push me further and further."
"But you are a prince," Hephaistion said.
"It meant nothing to him. But he made me strong, though I could not see it at the time."
"The worst I ever got was a whipping from my father for disobeying him one time, when they were rounding up the horses, bringing them down from the hills. He told me to stay by his side, but I wandered off to see the horses galloping in. Only I wandered into their path. A servant, saved me."
"And you got whipped for it?" Alexander was angry at Amyntor for hurting Hephaistion.
Hephaistion smiled. "It was more through love than anger, Alexander. He had a fright. I could have been killed, he was making sure I would never disobey him again." Hephaistion grew serious. "Sometimes fathers do things to hurt us, you have to understand it. Your father isn't hurting you from hate, Alexander, but love. He just fears you will make a mistake and harm yourself in doing so. Like with Pixodarus' daughter, you were too good for her, it would be like taking Bucephalus and putting him to stud with a donkey."
Alexander laughed. "I wish you had been with me then, Hephaistion." He hesitated from saying, that he would not have wished to marry anyone with Hephaistion by his side. "I needed your counsel."
Hephaistion looked embarrassed by his words. He shook his head. "From what you tell me your friends are loyal, they would have given you the correct advice…what they thought was right at the time."
"I didn't listen to them," Alexander replied, "I listened to my mother.". He reached for Hephaistion's hand, but just then the door opened and Thespis entered with another jug of wine, and Alexander pulled his hand back..
"Meda thought you might want more wine," said Thespis, putting the jug on the table.
Alexander thanked him, then watched him leave, turning back to see Hephaistion grinning at him.
"What?"
"They love you like a son."
"Thespis and Meda?"
"Yes. Do you not see it? Or are you so used to being loved, Alexander?" Hephaistion bit his bottom lip and stared at him, waiting for the answer.
Alexander shook his head, and poured more wine although he didn't really want it. Offering some more to Hephaistion, he refused. "You see things so clearly, Hephaistion."
Hephaistion laughed. "I would argue that point. Not lately. I did not see Lysias giving himself to Onatas, I had no idea what was in the letter, and I was definitely not thinking when I decided to lay with your fath…." He stopped suddenly, his face flushing.
"With my father," Alexander said, finishing his sentence for him. Alexander put his hand on Hephaistion's shoulder, then let it run to Hephaistion's neck, touching the skin, caressing. Before it crossed an act of friendship he stopped. "We both know I was to blame for that."
Hephaistion put his hand up to cover Alexander's. "I needed a friend, Alexander. Pella is a hard place to survive without a friend."
"You have one, Hephaistion," Alexander replied, earnestly.
Hephaistion withdrew his hand and reached for his cup of wine. Alexander brought his hand back to the table, his eyes going to Hephaistion's lips on his cup. Perfect lips.
There was a silence between them, then Hephaistion yawned and stretched. "It has been a long day," he said. "What with leaving Pella at dawn."
Alexander smiled and stood up, watching while Hephaistion rose from the table, before leading the way out of the room. Thespis and Meda could be heard, talking in the kitchen. Alexander headed for Hephaistion's room, turning to face his friend as they arrived at it.
"Health to you, Alexander," Hephaistion whispered, his hand on the latch.
Alexander embraced Hephaistion. He could not help it, it felt like coming home each time. As he pulled back he hesitated, then moved forward, his right hand moving to hold the back of Hephaistion's head. Hephaistion's eyes were half closed, his lips slightly parted. He moved closer. Laughter rang out. Meda's laughter. Alexander stepped back, the moment gone.
"Health to you, Hephaistion," he said, then quickly turned and went to his room.
Hephaistion paused a moment, listening to Alexander's footsteps. When he heard the door open and close, he went into his own room. The long day, good food and wine, had made him tired. Too tired to think. He undressed, pull back the sheets, lay down and was quickly asleep.
OOXXOO
Hephaistion woke early and turned to see the morning light streaming in through the window. Rolling on to his back, he stared at the ceiling, his mind going over the events of the day before.
Alexander had meant to kiss him. He was sure of it.
He closed his eyes to see the moment once more, feeling his body respond. Wanting Alexander.
He opened his eyes, startled at his discovery. He had thought it just a friendship. The servants at Pella had told him that Olympias and Philip thought Alexander had no interest in physical love. Hephaistion laughed, and sat up in his bed. They had one more day, and one more night, before the men from the Vanguard returned for them. Perhaps this day would bring more than he had bargained for.
He stood up and dressed. Pulling on his cavalry boots, he reached for a linen cloth and his dagger, then left the room and made his way to the kitchen. Thespis and Meda were there, preparing breakfast. Thespis greeted him and told him that Alexander was still in his room. Hephaistion said he would be at the river.
It was a beautiful morning, the sun already warm. It would be a good day. The river looked inviting. He undressed and stepped down into it, submerging himself, closing his eyes and seeing Alexander, the look in his eyes as he touched his face, the slight move forward.
He broke the surface and laughed. Alexander had meant to kiss him. He would not object if he tried again; he would welcome it.
He reached for his dagger and shaved his face, then washed himself and waded to the side, picking up the linen cloth, he began to dry himself, looking out across the river , thinking how good the sun looked amongst the trees.
He heard someone approaching. Sure it was Alexander, he turned and smiled, then froze like a marble statue as he saw Lysias.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
Lysias smiled. The smile that would always melt Hephaistion's heart, whenever they disagreed on something. "Surprised to see me?" he asked, knowing the answer already. "Philip sent a messenger for me. He has promoted me to Royal Bodyguard. He said I was to leave immediately, and then the messenger showed me the way here, we travelled through the night."
Hephaistion held the linen cloth over his groin as he saw Lysias look at him. He reached for his chiton, turning his back on Lysias as he quickly put it on. He did not know what to say.
"You never used to be so shy, Hephaistion. Even though you were slow to let me bed you, you would never hide your body from me." He stepped forward, hesitating as Hephaistion turned to face him, seeing the hurt and anger in his would be lover's eyes. "I have missed you, Hephaistion," he said.
"And how is Onatas?" Hephaistion asked, fastening his belt and pushing his dagger in to it. He looked for the wrist cuff, Lysias was not wearing it, he guessed who owned it now.
Lysias looked over Hephaistion's shoulder, his hand coming idly up to smooth Hephaistion's hair. He pulled a face, one of regret. "I could not very well say no to him could I? Not the garrison commander."
"Did you know about the letter?"
Lysias looked surprised. "You have read it? Onatas would not let me read it, he said it was for Philip alone."
"He handed it to me. The night I said no to him," Hephaistion snapped, picking up the cloth and heading for the school.
Lysias reached for him, pulling him into his arms. Hephaistion struggled, but some love remained. He wanted to know the truth, to believe what Lysias told him, so he held still, taking in the familiar scent, the familiar body against him.
"If I have done wrong, then I am sorry for it," Lysias began. "But it is over now, we both have gained by it, we are both in the Royal Bodyguard. We can be together again, I just need you to forgive me, Hephaistion. My beautiful, Hephaistion." He pulled Hephaistion into an embrace. "I have missed you…so much. If only you had yielded to me, I think that was why I went with Onatas. I had needs, desires..but it was always you I wanted. Only you." He pulled back to look in to Hephaistion's eyes. "The messenger said that you were here with Alexander. Have you given yourself to him?" He laughed bitterly. "See what happens when I let you go? Kings and princes come after you. You are worthy of a king, Hephaistion, but do I….a humble soldier, still have your love?"
Hephaistion did not answer. He could not speak when he did not know what to say. He looked into Lysias' eyes and saw the desire. Alexander had looked the same last night. If Alexander had kissed him…..but he had forgotten Pella already, forgotten what it would cost to love Alexander, the comments, snide remarks and misjudgements he would have to face each day. Lysias had betrayed him….but he was sorry for it, he seemed so sorry for it.
Lysias' lips found his. It was all so familiar, he found himself responding, even though his heart felt heavy, and there was no desire within him. Lysias' hands roamed his body, claiming ownership, but he was numb to it all.
OOXXOO
Alexander came out of the kitchen, Thespis having told him where to find Hephaistion. He had not meant to sleep so long, but he had lain awake half the night, angry with himself for not finding the courage to take what he desired. Today would be different.
His steps faltered as he saw Hephaistion in the arms of another, kissing him. As he watched, they drew apart and embraced. Hephaistion saw him and broke the embrace, but Alexander turned and hurried away, the sweet dreams that Morpheus had finally sent to him, last night, were now shattered.
He needed a moment to gather his thoughts. The man must be Lysias. It had to be Lysias. Who else? But why would he be here?
He took a deep breath, leaning against a wall, his hands forming into fists. Lysias had taken what he craved so badly. Hephaistion had welcomed him back in to his arms. He shook his head. It was no betrayal by Hephaistion, it was Hephaistion's choice. Things might have been worse if he had kissed him, it was just as well he had not. He had been a fool to think that he would be any more than a friend. They would still be friends, but not lovers. They would both be busy when they went to Aegae. Would Lysias be coming to Aegae? Hephaistion would spend his free time with Lysias…in the arms of Lysias.
Alexander put his head back against the wall. Nothing had been lost. He could not miss what he had never had. Could he?
His chest hurt, tears stung his eyes. He would get through it. He had always been alone. Nothing was lost.