A/N: *sniff sniff* i called Joss today to buy Spike. he asked why. i said i wanted to tie up that pretty vampire and just stare at him all day long. Joss called the cops, and reminded me that i dont own anything.

Chapter 3

He caught "Lily's" scent on the wind and followed her. A slow rain had started, so it was necessary that he found her quickly. He came within sight of her as she turned down an alley. He followed silently, using 100 years of Big Bad skills to prevent her from noticing him.

She came to a stop in the alley as the rain started falling harder. He stood, transfixed, as she raised her arms and welcomed the water. Her copper hair washed into dirty blonde, and grew in length until it almost hit her waist. The illusion that changed her face faded, exposing naturally golden skin and her slightly crooked nose. The tattoos on her wrists were now visible, as well as the faint bite marks on her neck.

She shook her hair out and looked back at him. He'd forgotten how beautiful she was. She took off at a sprint. He followed, relishing the chase as always. She led him through the city, dashing down alleys and cross streets. He could have caught her easily, but he hung back, letting her lead. If she wanted him to chase her, he would.

She came to a stop at the mouth of an alleyway, peering down into its depths. He could sense the vamps at the end of the alley, only two, nothing she couldn't've handled, but who knew how long it had been since she'd last fought? She bent down and pulled a slim dagger from her boot, turning the blade between her fingers like the seasoned pro she was.

"So," she said to the two vamps in the alley. "You guys lookin' for a fight?"

"The Slayer?" one of them asked. Spike had to grin at the look of smug satisfactions on her face.

"Yep," she said, popping the "p" lazily. "The Big Bad's back." She let out an almost warlike whoop and charged the vamps. She dragged her blade across the first's throat, beheading him quickly and turned to the second. Spike watched her, streetlamps glinting off the exposed skin of her back and belly.

"You think you're the 'Big Bad' girly?" the vamp hissed.

"Well, technically, he is," she said, gesturing behind her at Spike. "But the metaphor still stands. And you're still dead."

The vamp charged, popping a kick up to her ribs. Spike winced as if he'd felt it. He watched, entranced, as she fought the vamp off. He'd told her before that it was a dance, and she truly made the death dance a ballet. She twisted and twirled, ducked and leaped, her long hair fanning out around her. The vamp knocked her weapon out of her hand and she sent a brutal right hook to his jaw. While the vamp was dazed from the blow, she gripped his neck hard and pulled, separating skin and bone easily. The body turned to dust and she turned towards Spike, chest heaving from exertion.

He stepped towards her and she tensed like a scared cat. He could almost see her as a cat at that moment, tail raised, hissing and spitting. He took another step and she stepped back away from him.

"Buffy," he murmured. Her eyes widened and he smelled her fear. She was afraid of him. It broke his heart.

"Buffy, pet, come here," he said.

"No."

"Please, luv," He could hear the tears in his voice, and at some level they disgusted him.

"Buffy, luv, sweetheart," he begged.

"Stop, please stop calling me that," she said, her own tears falling. "Spike, please stop. I don't deserve that."

"Buffy…" He let his anguish show on his face, and she came to his side, brushing away his tears. He nuzzled against her hand, inhaling the scent of her skin. She still smelled like sunshine and vanilla.

"Please, baby, don't," she said, holding his face in her tiny hands. "You shouldn't… I'm not worth it, baby."

"Are you bloody stupid?" he asked, getting angry now. "Not worth it? Buffy, you're worth everything."

"No, I'm not," she insisted. "Please, baby. If you stay hung up on me, you'll just get hurt. That's all I'm good for. I'm only good at destroying everything. Willow, my mom, you. Everyone's better off if I'm gone." He wiped away her own rapid tears with his thumbs.

"Better off?" he asked incredulously. "Tell me, Slayer, how is your sister better off without you there? Without you protecting her? How am I better off? Or what about Giles, or the Whelp? How are they better without you?"

"They're safe," she said. "Everything I touch turns to dust. If I had never come to Sunnydale, my friends-"

"Would be long dead," he interrupted. "Without you, they'd've been snacks long ago. Dawn wouldn't even exist. I wouldn't… I'd still be…"

"You'd still be with Drusilla," she said quietly. "You'd still be happy."

"Happy? You think I was happy with her?" Was she completely daft? Did she not know him at all? He'd been empty without her. She filled in all the parts of him that were missing.

"You were doing what you wanted," she said, stepping back from him. She wiped at her face with the back of her hand. "There'd be no chip, you'd be just the way you wanted to be."

"Buffy, the way I was was miserable," he said. "I was never good at being the Big Bad. And Dru was nothin' compared to you. The way you burn me up, set me on fire-"

"Exactly," she said. The sadness and despair was pouring off her in waves. "Stick with me and you'll end up dust."

"No, luv-"

"I killed Willow!" she shouted. His heart broke for her all over again as she dissolved in tears. "I- I should've done it differently. I should've talked her down. Xander could have done it, but no, I had to be the Slayer. I killed her. I killed my best friend." She broke down into sobs and her knees collapsed from under her. He was there in a second, catching her as she fell. He sat down and pulled her into his lap, not caring about the wet and the grime from the alley. He rocked her gently, letting her sob into his chest.

"I killed her," she whimpered. "I killed her. And you weren't there! You weren't there to tell me it was okay, or that I did what I had to do. It was just me." She beat a weak rhythm on his chest with her fists. "You left me, Spike. How could you leave me like that?"

"I'm so sorry, pet," he murmured, tightening his hold around her. "I never should've… I'm sorry, so sorry, luv. I'm so sorry." He held her, crying with her, until she'd almost passed out from exhaustion.

"Buffy, let me take you back to the hotel," he said. "We'll get you cleaned up and warm, an' everythin' will look better in the morning." She nodded shakily and he stood, holding her in his arms. He cradled her to his chest and realized she was shivering. Calling himself a hundred kinds of stupid, he set her gently on her feet and took off his coat. He wrapped it around her and then picked her back up again. Cradling her like a doll, he made his way back to the Hyperion Hotel. He carried her into the entryway of the hotel, trying to avoid the others.

"Is she okay?" Dawn asked, rushing to his side. He tilted Buffy away from her, shielding his girl from view.

"She's all righ'," he said, stepping past her to the stairs. "She's exhausted, Bit."

"Where are you taking her?" Angel asked.

"Upstairs," he answered. Angel started after him, but Spike halted him with a glare. "She doesn't want to be around you, Peaches, or she'd have told you who she was six months ago." Buffy murmured and shifted in his arms. She'd fallen asleep at little while before he'd arrived at the hotel, burying her head into his neck.

"Look," Spike sighed. "Jus'… jus' let me get her upstairs, get her cleaned up and put to bed, an' I'll come down an' explain everything." He turned and starting up the stairs, barely catching Dawn's scoff.

"Yeah, right," she said. "Once she wakes up, they'll probably just start boinking like bunnies again."

Smiling at the Niblet's audacity, he climbed the stairs to his room. Good thing Peaches owned the hotel; it saved on getting a place to stay and gave him more privacy. He came to his door and opened it carefully, trying not to jar her. He carried her over to the bed and laid her down gently. Kneeling at her side he gazed longingly at her face. She was so damn beautiful it made him ache. He raised a tentative hand to caress the planes of her face. He'd missed her so much.

"Pet," he said gently, stroking her cheek. "Wake up, kitten." Her eyes fluttered open. She glanced around the room, then shot up in bed.

"Where am I?" she demanded. She finally looked to Spike at relaxed slightly.

"Hotel, luv," he said, touching her hand with his to calm her. "It's okay, pet, you're safe."

"Hotel," she said. "Right." She relaxed back onto the pillow, now silent. Spike could tell exactly when she realized what she'd told him in the alley, because her eyes filled with tears again.

"Shh, luv, no more cryin'. I can't take it," he said, moving to take her into his arms again.

"I missed you," she sniffled. "God, I missed you so much, Spike."

"I missed you too, pet. Every bloody day."

"814," she said.

"Wha's that?"

"I haven't seen you or talked to you or held you in 814 days," she said. "Every day I missed you."

"Pet," he whispered. "I-" He was cut off by a violent shiver coursing through her body.

"C'mon, luv, let's get you warm," he said. "Nice, hot shower'll fix you up fine." She nodded weakly and he helped her stand.

"That glamour kinda tapped me," she said as he stood and led her to the bathroom. He turned the water on hot, careful not to turn it up too much or it would burn her.

"I'll wait outside," he said, turning to go. She caught his arm and pulled him back to her.

"Don't leave me," she said, lower lip wobbling. "I can't… I don't want to… but I can't be alone right now."

"Okay," he said. He helped her undress and offered his hand to help her into the shower. She closed the curtain most of the way, and he stepped back to lean against the wall. He listened carefully as she washed herself. When he heard the choked sound of sobs coming from her, he kicked off his boots and pulled off his shirt. He stepped into the shower behind her, still in his jeans, and wrapped his arms around her.

"It's okay, bet, it's gonna be okay," he murmured. She turned in his arms and buried her face against his chest. He washed off the soap that still clung to her skin and reached for the bottle of shampoo.

"Tilt your head back, luv," he said, squeezing some shampoo into his palm. Buffy did as he told her and he slowly began washing her hair. He rinsed the shampoo out and turned off the water.

"C'mon, kitten," he said gently, leading her out of the shower. He dried her carefully with a fluffy towel and wrapped it around her. He was still soaked to the skin as he led her back into the bedroom and sat her down on the bed. "I'll be back in a tick," he said, kissing her forehead. He grabbed a change of clothes and headed back into the bathroom, using his vampire speed to dry off and change quickly.

When he reentered the bedroom, Buffy was curled onto her side in a ball, shivering. He grabbed a pair of boxers and one of his shirts from his duffel bag and went to her side. "Let's get you dressed, huh?" he said, easing her into a sitting position. "'S nothin' much, but it's more than what you had."

"Yeah, that was hot, wasn't it?" she said, trying for levity. She lifted her arms and he pulled the shirt down over her head. He handed her the boxers and she pulled them up to rest low on her hips.

"Better, yeah?"

"Much," she said. "It's the most clothed I've felt in six months. Lily was kinda a skank."

"Yeah, don't go out like that again," Spike said semi-teasingly. "Wanted to gouge out the eyes of every man in the room."

"It wasn't me," she said gently. "That glamour- Lily's body wasn't my body, you know?"

"I still din't like it," he growled. Her jaw clenched and he sighed, running a hand over his hair. "Sorry, I know it's no' my place," he said. "I jus'- I can't help it."

"I know," she said. "I hated being her, but I had to."

"Why?" he asked. "Why did you have to hide?"

"I'm not good for people to be around," she said. "I destroy everything. Angel, my mom, Tara, Willo-" She dissolved into sobs again. He touched her cheek with the back of his hand, kneeling in front of her.

"What about all the good you've done?" he murmured.

"What good? Not ending the world?"

"Well, yeah, there's that," he said, chuckling. "But what about Dawn? She's grown up to be a smart, beautiful woman."

"That's not my doing," she said. "You and Mom had more to do with her."

"Every day she's told me that she wants you to be proud of her," Spike said. He'd told the littlest Summers that Buffy was proud, but he wasn't sure Dawn had believed it. "She wants to be strong like you, luv. She wants to be like you."

"She shouldn't," Buffy said, so low he almost didn't catch it. He chose to ignore it for the moment.

"An' what 'bout what you've done for me?"

"What? Beat you up then break up with you?" she scoffed. "Make you so miserable that you had to run off and get a soul? Yeah, I helped you a lot."

"Sweetheart, I got the soul for you," he said.

"I know," she whispered. "I'm glad. I'm proud of you. But you never would've had to if I wasn't so fucked up. If Angel hadn't screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't let myself love you without the soul."

"Did you love me before I left?" He had to know. He had to hear the words, see that it was really her saying them.

"I've bee in love with you for years," she said. "I'll love you till I'm dust."

"Tha's my line," he said, chuckling weakly. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but she didn't need that right now.

"Come home," he whispered, looking up at her. The pain he saw on her face broke his heart in a hundred pieces all over again.

"How can I go home, Spike?" she asked. "You're probably better-"

"We're miserable without you," he interrupted. "It was bad enough we lost Tara and Red, then you take off too? If you think for one second that any of us would rather you stay away, you're an idiot."

"Spike," she sighed. He shot to his feet.

"No, you listen to me," he said harshly. She recoiled from his tone. "I'm done handlin' you with kid gloves. If you want to throw your life away, if you want to run every time something gets hard, go ahead. But don't you for one second assume what we feel. You left us, Buffy. No one asked you to leave. No one was angry with you. Right pissed at Red, sure, but never at you. You did what you had to do.

"Willow was gone the second Tara's heart stopped," he said quietly, kneeling back down in front of her. "Even if- even if you could've talked her down, she wouldn't've been your friend anymore. She would've been changed, luv. You couldn't've saved her."

"Does that make it okay?" she asked. "She wouldn't have been the same, so it's okay I murdered her?"

"You didn't murder her," he said, taking her face in his hands. "You saved the world. You saved your sister, your Watcher, me, the stupid Whelp an' Demon girl. You saved all of us."

"I can't do this," she whimpered, drawing her knees up to her chest. "Every time I try to forget-"

"You shouldn't forget her," he interrupted again. "She was a big part of your life, luv, and now she's gone. You have to mourn, pet."

"Running's easier," she mumbled, propping her chin on her knees.

"I know," he said, reaching a hand up to run it over her hair. He couldn't get enough of the tiny touches with her; playing with her hair, feeling the warmth of her skin, wiping away the hot tears that fell down her soft cheeks. "But we're here, kitten. Me an' Dawn. We'll help you."

"How can I go back?" she asked. "How can you guys just forgive me?"

"We love you," he said, shrugging. "'S what family does. You mess up, an' we let you come home to open arms."

A soft knock at the door drew their attention away, and he walked over to the door and opened it a crack. Dawn stood in the hallway, all big blue eyes and hopeful smiles.

"How is she? Is she awake?" she asked.

"Yeah, Bit, but-"

"Let me in," she demanded. "I need to see her."

"Dawn?" Buffy said, standing. Dawn pushed Spike out of the way, rushing into the room and throwing herself into her sister's arms.

"Buffy, I missed you so much," she sobbed, clutching her sister tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Dawnie, I'm so sorry." She buried her face in Dawn's hair. Spike stepped back, closing the door and watching the sisters reunite.

"Step back, lemme look at you," Buffy sniffled, pulling away from her. "I couldn't look at you before." Dawn laughed ad gave a little twirl. She'd grown quite a bit, so now she was almost as tall as Spike. Her hair fell in a wild tangle down her back and her eyes were shiny with tears.

"You need a haircut," Buffy said, appraising her.

"Ditto," Dawn smirked. "And you got a bit thick, Buff."

"Hey! What about you? Is Spike not feeding you or something? You get any skinnier and we won't be able to find you," Buffy said good-naturedly.

"Psh, she eats more'n Harris does," Spike said from the door.

"You look beautiful, Dawnie," Buffy said, hugging her sister again. "You grew up so fast."

"It happens," Dawn shrugged. "You look healthy, Buffy."

"Do I?" she asked. She stepped over to the mirror above the vanity, gazing at her reflection. "Wow," she breathed.

"What?" Dawn asked.

"I haven't seen my own face in six months," she said. "Once I put that glamour on, I never took it off. I couldn't risk it." She examined her face, then stepped back to view her body. Twisting this way and that, lifting the shirt to expose her belly and lower back, she chuckled. "Yep, still hot," she said, grinning genuinely for the first time that night.

"You look good," Dawn said. "I'm sure Spike agrees."

"It's amazing what getting enough sleep will do for you," Buffy said, turning back around. "Not having to patrol every night, just living like a person. It's kinda why I don't want to go back to Sunnydale. I don't want the responsibility again."

"You don't have to," Dawn said. She met Spike's eye hesitantly. He nodded, signaling her to continue. "There's… a new Slayer. Faith's…"

"Dead, I know," Buffy said. "I felt it. It's okay, I know it had to happen eventually. So, how's the new girl?"

"She's… okay," Dawn said. Spike snorted. "Hush, Spike. She's just young, is all. And her Watcher's useless, constantly running to Spike and Giles for help."

"She's a moron," Spike said.

"She's a teenager," Dawn countered.

"Says the teenager," Spike rebutted.

"Hey! Technically, I'm thousands of years old," Dawn said. "So I'm pulling seniority. Now shut up." He smirked at her.

"Hey! How come I could never get you to shut up?" Buffy demanded teasingly.

"She's scary," Spike said, pointing at Dawn. "Catch 'er at the wrong time of the month an' she threatens t' set you on fire."

"That happened one time and he was singing a Ramones song at the top of his lungs," Dawn defended.

"Then it's understandable," Buffy said, failing to stile a massive yawn.

"You should get some sleep." Dawn said. I'll go downstairs and fill Peaches in." She hugged Buffy again tightly. "I missed you."

"I missed you more," Buffy vowed. "I love you."

"Ditto," Dawn said. She pulled away and flitted over to the door, kissing Spike's cheek on her way out.

"She's a good kid," he said, shutting the door.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "You did good."

"I tried," he said. "It got hard when she started dating. Had to vamp out on one wanker."

"You didn't," she said.

"Caught 'im tryin' t' swallow her tongue on the front porch, din't I?" he said. "Had to put a stop to that."

"Yeah, good job," she said. "But you know you can't keep her cloistered forever, right?"

"Eh, I'll toss 'er in a convent," he said with a grin. She yawned broadly again.

"Get some rest, luv," he said, gesturing at the bed. "I'll go downstairs for a bit."

"No," she blurted as he turned to go. He turned back around, scarred eyebrow raised. "I mean, if you don't want to leave. You can- Stay with me?" she asked. "I just… it's just been so long since I've felt… Will you just stay with me and hold me?"

"Of course, sweetling," he murmured, stepping up to the bed. Buffy climbed under the covers and snuggled down in them. Spike pulled off his shirt and climbed in after her. She curled up to his chest, draping one leg over his thighs and resting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her and placed his free hand over hers on his belly. He'd missed touching her so much. The feeling of her warmth washing over his skin was paradise.

"Go to sleep, luv," he murmured, kissing the top of her head. He started humming a gentle lullaby, lulling both her and himself to sleep.

~tbc~