Disclaimer: I don't own the genius that is RENT or its characters. That's all Jon, baby. :)
Warnings: Mentions of sex and contains foul language. It's RENT, whatcha expect?
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Pain is not always a bad thing, you know. I mean, I know that some people see pain as something to avoid but, there are also those people who need pain. There are people who need pain to feel, release, and let go. I've come across my fair share of pain-people. These people are not masochists, only people who desperately need something to make them feel alive in their sense dulling environment. Sometimes pain is needed to show the world that you exist. Sometimes, when you're so invisible, showing that you're in pain validates you.
Even if it's as that kid that broke his leg falling down the stairs in school. In front of everyone they know.
I'm Roger Davis, and I'm a pain-person. Well, at least I used to be.
From high school, all the way until the day I lost my girlfriend to suicide, I was a pain-person. But, I was special. I wasn't only one kind of pain person. I needed pain for everything on the spectrum. I needed it to feel, release, and to let go.
It all started near the end of my junior year in high school.
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"Hey, Mark!" I ran to catch up with him. He was pretty fast for a completely out of shape albino. Well, my love of cigarettes might have contributed to the problem.
I clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, Rog. How's it going?" He smiled genuinely at me.
I met his stride and faced forward. People passed us. So many fakes. Oh, right. Gotta answer. "I'm doing…good, actually. I finally got the band a gig. And, April finally looked my way." My smile grew larger as I thought about her.
"That's great, man. I'm really happy for you." I frowned.
"But, I…um..." My hands were shaking.
He adjusted his glasses and looked at me. "What's wrong?" Lines split across his forehead in concern.
I snapped the tight bracelet on my wrist, harsh red lines over lapping the other with each release. Mark's eyes flitted to the lines and back to my face. "Mark, I can't..."
Mark took my wrist. I flinched at the contact with my almost burned skin. He dragged us both into a nearby empty classroom. He shut the door and then turned to face me, his sharp blue orbs flooding with concern. My hands were shaking like mad. "Roger, talk."
My eyes darted around the room. Mark was my best friend, and I had trouble even telling this to him. This is crazy. "Um, never mind. It's not that big of a deal." I tried to escape. Mark stopped me.
Damn him.
"Roger, you're never like this. You only act this way when something horrible happened. Now tell me what's going on." His voice becomes a soft whisper and his eyes bore into mine. "Please."
I back away from the door and fall into a desk close to me. "Mark, I…" I take in a deep breath. "I thought I could keep this in. I thought that I could keep this to myself and no one would ever have to find out."
Mark watches me in worry and some kind of morbid fascination. I go on.
"Please hear me out the whole way, and don't say anything until I'm done. I won't be able to finish if you do. Please." I finally look up at my best friend. He nods for me to continue.
I take another shaky, deep breath. "Mark, I've started…hurting myself." I hear him make a noise. He wants to speak. I won't let him. "I didn't start doing it on a whim." I hear him sit in the desk next to mine. I take a quick glance at him.
My mind is reeling. "About a year ago, I was…raped." I pause, tears forming in the back of my eyes. I fear my voice won't be strong enough to go on. I feel Mark's hand on my arm and I feel like I can. "After it was over, I just got up and walked away. My mind was blank. I just, walked home and didn't think about it until the next day. I could barely move out of bed. They had really done a number on my body." I looked at Mark again. He was still silent.
I thanked him silently for that.
"When I got into the bathroom to brush my teeth, I saw all of the bruises. I fell to the ground and stared to sob like a baby. I cried until my eyes felt like they were on fire." I felt a tear fall down my cheek. "I didn't go to school for over a month. I couldn't."
"I remember that." He was so quiet, I almost didn't hear him. I nodded.
"You came over my house so often, I got used to hearing the door open with you on the other side."
"Your mom never let me in. On your orders."
I nodded silently.
"Well, for a while, I thought I was dealing with it well enough. It never left my mind, but I was slowly being able to live my life again." I shook my head. "Until, I started having nightmares. They were so vivid, that sometimes I thought that somehow it was all happening again. Like, I had gone back in time. It was horrible."
Mark was still quiet.
"Soon, in order to block out the pain from my nightmares, I forced myself not to feel anything. Not ever. I was afraid that if I did, my nightmares would feel real again."
I looked at Mark when I paused. After a few minutes of silence, I went on.
"But soon, I couldn't feel what I wanted to feel anymore. I couldn't feel hugs, humor, or even that feeling I get when I see April." I sighed. "So, the only way I could think to make it all better was to….well, you know."
He nodded. Silence.
"And that's it." I stared at the fake wood on the top of my desk. I couldn't look at Mark after all that.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
The clock's second hand was so loud I almost had the urge to cover my ears. Time was pushing in on me. I needed to hear Mark say something or I was gonna blow.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
"Roger, I'm here for you." He looked right at me. Our eyes connected. He pulled me into an embrace. "I'm not going anywhere."
Tears fell from my eyes like heavy rain. The pain was released.
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I always knew that Mark would be there through all of my pain. I mean after that, I used pain as a way to follow the crowd I ended up in.
But, in the end, he was always there. All of them were there.
It was by the time I had met them all, Angel, Collins, Mark, Maureen, and Joanne, that I realized something; love is a much better release, feeling, and way to let go then pain ever was. pain would always be in my life, but I knew from somewhere deep down; my friends—family—were exactly what I needed.
I'm Roger Davis, and I am proud to say that I am now a love-person.
Human pain is gone when love is in the equation.
Love, conquers all.
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Different ending then you thought, huh? Did you like it? Ohhhhh, I hope so. I thought of more chapters! YAY! In school I think of them as I go through my every day situations. R&R pah-leaseeee. (:
saygnightx
Te Amo.