I do not own Red vs Blue. I do however own a hat and a two pairs of boxers…and that's about it. I'm thinking about starting a mini-series starring my boxers. Anyway, let's continue the story…

Still inside the Red Base…

Sarge: So it's agreed then! From now on Grif will be refered to as Private Sissy McDouchebag von Loserstinkbutt. Also, the position of Official Moving Target will be relegated to Grif as well as the positions of Official Rocket Launcher cleaner and Official Ramp builder.

Grif: I have some objections to this proposal.

Simmons: On what grounds?

Grif: The grounds of "This sucks."

Sarge: Overruled. Just so you know, we don't have any materials to build a jump ramp for the Warthog with. So you're going to have to use your own body as a miniature speed bump. And we also don't have any scrubs for the Rocket Launchers so you'll have to clean them with your tongue.

Grif: Do I at least get to turn the safety on?

Sarge: Now that would just take away all the fun.

Grif: What fun?

Sarge: I meant fun for me!

*Bzzzt-zzzt-Bzzzz*

(heavy electronic static bursts in from the nearby radio)

Sarge: What in the Sam Hill?

Simmons: What's that noise?

*Bzzzt-Duuu-zzzt-Come in-zzzt-zt-Come in Dudes*

Grif: Oh great, this guy.

Vic: Red Dudes…Come in Red Dudes. This is Vic, over. Pick up the phone, dudes. Special orders, hot off the press, delivered straight to your door in ten minutes or your money back dudes.

Sarge: Red Command? Vic is that you? Do you have our orders?

Vic: Yessir indeedy Sergeant Sarge, got your orders right here dude. I got one half pepperoni, half sausage and stuffed crust, and one pineapple pizza. Oh and uh, two Diet Cokes dudes. Gotta stay in shape, ya know.

Simmons: What the hell are you talking about?

Vic: Just kidding Red Dudes. Yanking your chains, pulling your fingers you know. Knock-knock, how many Blue Dudes does it take to change a light bulb?

Donut: ummm….four?

Simmons: Does that include the scary chick in the black armor?

Donut: Oh right, five?

Vic: Orange you glad I didn't say banana, dudes?

Simmons: ……..

Donut:…….

Vic: But seriously Dude-rino's, we got some major developments developing your way. Some shit's hit the fan at Red Command and a big hot steamy pile of it is zooming towards Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Let me fill ya in….

Meanwhile at Blue Base…

Tucker: Okay, okay. Twenty-third times a charm. This is the army! There's gotta be some porn somewhere around here.

Shiela: Private Tucker my onboard computer suggests we are about fifty-two trillion light years away from the nearest wireless broadcast point and therefore-----Attention receiving inbound signal----Attempting to verify…..

Tucker: YES! Finally! I knew it. Ladies of the universe here I come!

Shiela: I am receiving a signal from the Blood Gulch satellite defense perimeter. A non- military aircraft currently attempting to land.

Caboose: We have a satellite?

Tucker: I don't suppose this ship is, like, just maybe….full of lonely alien women. Sexy aliens. Not like that…Blarg thing.

Shiela: Unable to verify. Standard protocol insists our CO be made aware of this development.

Caboose: Ahhh yes…the Cookie Monster….I will tell him right away, Shiela.

Tucker: No numb nuts. CO means Commanding Officer.

Caboose:…….

Tucker: The guy here with the highest rank.

Caboose: …….

Tucker: The leader.

Caboose: Sarge?

Tucker: No, the leader of our team.

Caboose: You mean that dead guy?

Tucker: *sigh*

Inside the Blue Base

Sister: Uhhh, hey Church?

Church: What is it Sister?

Sister: There's this weird blinking light thingy going off on the giant Blue computer.

Church: We got a message from command?

Sister: No, it's a different light. Anyway can you show me how to turn it off I'm exercising my fingers and it's really breaking up my rhythm.

Church: What? Never mind. Let me take a look-HOLY SHIT THAT THING IS BRIGHT!!

Sister(shielding her visor): I know. And it makes this annoying beeeeeeeeeeep sound.

Church: I don't hear anything….

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Church: Oh, there it is. That's just fucking great. How did I not notice that thing before?

Sister: I tried looking for a switch, or a plug but-

Church: WHAT?

Sister: I TRIED LOOKING FOR A-

Church: Okay, you know what. Fuck this. I'm getting my tool kit.

(Church walk out and returns with the Sniper Rifle)

Church: Suck this you worthless piece of crap!

*KA-BLAM*

Sister: Hey it worked.

Church: And that's how we deal with lights here at Blue Base…um, and also buttons. Oh and sometimes the fridge door gets jammed. That's how we handle that too. And if the handle on the toilet gets a little stiff just give it a jiggle…then shoot it with a sniper rifle.

Caboose: Church! Church!(runs up gasping) I….have…a….message for you!

Church: Whoah, Caboose. Take a breath.

Caboose: Oh, breathing…I….forgot about that.

Sister: Hey, didn't he come from outside? Why is he all out of breath?

Caboose: Oh yeah…I…got a little….turned around…..trying to find you…

In Red Base…over it actually. Like, on the roof.

Simmons(reloading his pistol): That was just weird.

Grif: You're telling me. Why do you think that Blue Guy just wandered into our base alone…

Simmons: Well, usually I'd guess that since we are in a war he was doing some kind of covert intelligence gathering, except…

Grif: Except what?

Simmons: I'm pretty sure that's the blue guy who walked a grenade all the way back to Blue Base because you told him it was a birthday present.

Grif: Now that was a good day. Besides, Blue guys aside, I'd much rather be out here on the roof than down in the basement listening to Vic. Christ, that guy's more annoying than Donut! I didn't think that was possible.

Simmons: But don't you want to hear what they're talking about? It sounded pretty important.

Grif: Yeah right Simmons. Were you here last time Red command called in? "Okay, Red dudes, your orders are to try and win." And," Shoot the Blue Dudes…preferably with bullets and stuff." Trust me Simmons, whatever that guy is blabbing about, it couldn't be more boring-

(Sarge and Donut's voice come up from the basement)

Donut-HOLY SHIT!! THAT"S TOTALLY UNBELIAVABLE!!

Sarge: Whoa Nelly! Boy's we got to get rolling. Simmons, prep the Warthog! Donut, pack us some lunches.

Simmons: What's going on Sarge? What happened?

Sarge: Simmons, we've got places to be! I'll explain on the way!

Thus endeth chapter 2. In closing I have absolutely nothing interesting to say…big surprise.

I think I'm gonna try and make the next chapters a little longer. Catch you later.