The valley of Blood Gulch was filled with the sound of screeching tires and ho-down music as the Warthog rolled across the canyon, Red Team members hanging on for dear life.

Sarge(reading from a map): Grif! Now I need you to take a left at the big pointy rock thing. No, No! The other one…that's the ticket.

Grif: You know Sarge, it might be a little easier if you'd tell me where we're going instead of having me drive all over this cliff face. I'm pretty sure I've never even seen this part of the canyon before…

Sarge: Where we're going, Greaseball, is to the very top of these here cliffs.

Grif: Why would Command want us to drive to the top of…wait, Sarge please tell me Command wants us to throw Donut off the cliff.

Donut: Hey!

Grif: Because that's one order I'll be happy to follow.

Sarge: Put a cork in it Grif. Now put the brakes on , son. We're here.

Donut: Wow! I had no idea the cliffs went so high up…

Simmons: And I didn't know Grif could drive a five-hundred pound jeep straight up a horizontal rock wall. I guess you do have some skills after all.

Grif: The trick is to go really fast and not open your eyes.

Simmons: And that friends is why we always wear our seatbelts.

Grif: Pffff! Seatbelt's are for women.

Sarge: Grif, quit distracting Simmons!

Simmons: Yeah Grif, quite distracting me….what am I doing again, sir?

Sarge: You're using the equipment on the Warthog to try and patch into our communications satellite so that we can get a lock on that incoming ship.

Simmons: There's a ship coming in? Is it Red or Blue? We have a sattelite?!

Donut: Is it bringing us a tank like the blues have? Ooh, ooh, new armor?

Grif: Or beer?

Sarge: Sorry men…and Grif. What Command called to tell me was that, just like here in Bllod Gulch, the glorious Red army is waging war across the galaxy against those yellow bellied Blues. But on a nearby space station, some of the soldiers have deserted our glorious crimson ranks!!

Grif: Deserted? They just left the army?

Simmons: Yes, Grif. That's what deserted means.

Grif: We're allowed to do that?!

Sarge: NO! To think anyone would so cravenly disgrace the honor of our brilliant red armor(sob).... Such treachery cannot go unpunished!

Grif: What does this have to do with us?

Donut: That weird guy from Command said that those other guys were headed here in a ship they stole. It's just like in a movie!

Sarge: Our order's say that if those double dealing devils show their two-faced faces here we detain them until a special agent from Red Command can pick 'em up.

Simmons: Special Agent? Why would they send a Special Agent after a couple deserters.

Sarge: Vic mentioned something about "military property" so no doubt they've absconded with some kind of ray gun, or a super bomb, or a brain eating zombie virus, or a horrific combination of all three!

Simmons: A ray gun that infects it's target with a virus that eats their brains and then explodes?

Sarge: Exactly, Simmons. You've got a keen mind, that's why I keep you around.

Grif: What about a bomb that turns people into zombies with ray guns?

Sarge: Grif, that is the absolute stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YER ASS!

Donut: Hey guy's? There's this obnoxious pink thing going off in the Warthog…it's really annoying…

Grif: I think your looking in the mirror Donut.

Sarge: That's the indicator light thingamajiggy. Simmons get into the Warthog and see if you can figure out when and where it's gonna land.

Simmons: On it sir.

(Simmons hops into the front seat of the jeep and starts messing with a bunch of buttons)

Simmons: Okay…according to my calculations it should definitely land somewhere inside the canyon, somewhere close. And, uh, it looks like it's coming in pretty fast…

(A large siloutte appears on the sun's face, casting a massive shadow over the Red Team. Everyone except Simmons looks up)

Simmons: It should get here about…..

(There is a massive shriek and a huge space ship comes hurtling through the sky. The ground shakes as it passes over Blue base and crashes into something nearby)

Simmons:…now. Hey what are you guys all staring at over there?

At Blue Base

Shiela: Inbound ships detected. Inbound ship detected. Inbound ship detected.

Tucker: Yeah, we get it Shiela. Whoopdy fucking do. Now can you please turn your screen back so I can continue my…research.

Shiela: Hey, I told you don't do that in my backseat! I just go those seat covers cleaned!

Tucker: I'm not doing anything! I learned the last time, okay? Hey…is it getting darker out here. What's going on Sheila?

Shiela: Incoming ship, retard. Incoming ship, retard.

(Tucker peeks his head out of Shiela's cockpit)

Tucker: Bow-chika-bow-wo-OH SHIT!

(Tucker leaps out of the tank and starts to make a break for it)

Shiela: Wait Private Tucker! Take me with you. I don't want to die.

Tucker: How the hell am I supposed to do that? You're a tank!

Sheila: There is so much I haven't done yet! So much I haven't experienced! I'm too young and beautiful to die.

( The huge space ship crashes into the ground and skids across the canyon floor. It plows into Shiela and knocks her into the air. Spitting up gravel as it passes, the ship turns on it's side, the tail clocking Tucker in the head as it passes)

Tucker: Ow!

*CRASH*

*WHAM*

*EXPLOSION*

Tucker(looking at the wreckage): Well I guess that could have gone worse.

*WHAM*

(Shiela lands on Tucker)

Inside the Blue Base

*WHAM*

Tucker(voice): OH GOD!!!

Church: What the hell was that? Sister, can you check it out?

Sister: Sure dude.

(Sister runs out the door)

Sister(voice): Holy Crap!!

(Church and Caboose follow her outside)

Church: Holy shit…

Sister: How come nobody told me we were having a party?

(The ship is a flaming wreck smashed against the side of a nearby cliff wall. A deep trench has been churned up by it's passage and debris is scattered all across the area)

Caboose: Church…when did we get a new lawn ornament.( whispers) I do not like it very much.

Church: Caboose…what was the message you were going to tell me?

Caboose: Um…yeah, Shiela say's there's a ship coming. A big ship.

Church:*sigh* Great. Our backyard's on fire, Shiela is definitely out of commission and I'm pretty sure Tucker's dead.

Caboose: Not my fault.

Church: Caboose, shut the fuck up. Right now.

Sister: Hey guys? I think I hear something.

(Everyone turns as a door is kicked open and a figure stumbles out of the flaming wreckage)

Church: Hey Asshole!! You can't park here…you know….on my friend's dead body!

(The figure mumbles and stumbles around, unheeding)

Church: Hey! Hey! Pay attention!

(The figure turns toward Church and for the first time it's armor color is apparent.)

Church: Holy Shit it's a Red!

Caboose: Hey, Red Guy! You are at the wrong base!

(The Red Soldier collapses with a groan)

Caboose: I think we killed him.

Church: Caboose, we haven't fired any bullets yet.

Caboose: We are very scary.

Church: Whatever. Just go check on Shiela and Tucker, okay. See if you can get her off him. Sister, you help me load this guy into the base. I guess we've got a prisoner.

On top of the Cliffs

Grif(peering through the scope of the sniper rifle): Yeah, so…they're just standing there and…wait, wait, something's climbing out of the ship.

Donut: What does he look like?

Grif: I don't know. It's hard to tell under all that armor.

Simmons: So it's a soldier. What color armor is he wearing?

Grif: I dunno…it's sort of…kinda burgundy-ish.

Sarge: What the hell color is burgundy?! Are you sure?

Grif: That's what I'm seeing. I think….

Simmons: Describe it.

Grif: How the hell am I supposed to describe a color? It's burgundy. That's it.

Sarge: What team is he on?!

Grif: Well, it looks like the Blues are taking him hostage so I'd guess he's not on Blue team. Which means he's a Red right?

Simmons: Unless there's, like a Green Army, or something.

Sarge: Green Army! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What kind of color is green for an army?! No color, that's what kind.

Donut: Hey, guys? I thought command said there were a couple rebels heading toward Blood Gulch. Why did only one climb get out of the ship?

Sarge: No doubt the other rebel's shame was so great upon realizing the truth of their actions that the other's committed suicide to preserve some of their lost honor. Rest in peace you treacherous scumbags.

Grif: Or maybe they committed suicide when they found out they'd be coming to this crap heap. That's what I'd do.

Simmons: So….is the mission over, Sarge.

Sarge: Hell no, Simmons! That's our prisoner the Blues have locked up in their base. We have to bust him out before those bastard's kill him.

Simmons: So that we can lock him up in our base?

Sarge: Correct.

Simmons: Until the Special Agent from Command comes to take him into custody?

Sarge: Yep.

Simmons: So command can execute him for treason?

Sarge: See, now your getting it!

Simmons:*sigh* Okay. Whatever.