Author's Note:

Ok, so this chapter is back to Bella's point of view and it is right up to the point of where she commits suicide. So you kinda need to read this one people! If you want to keep up with the story line. Now the song I used for this one is called No Saving Me by Walls of Jericho and it fits this chapter so well it is almost like it was made for it. Now I just want to say that this chapter does include suicide thoughts and feelings and for those who perhaps have experienced suicide or those who easily get upset by reading things about it, this might be a little hard for you, because I did go in to detail. So just a heads up, I hope you enjoy. And thank you very much to the reviews that I have gotten for it. Xxxxxx.

Chapter Five:

Inside these broken lines
A disruption of our lives
Insanity kicks in

"Bella…" I heard a smooth, velvety voice call. "Bella…"

"Edward." I yelled, turning around swiftly hoping to see my angel there.

Nothing.

And all I see is another dead end
So close your eyes
And escape from what you hide

He wasn't there. Nor was he coming back. He didn't want me anymore, I told myself, so stop hoping that he'll return.

At the thought that he wouldn't return that he never was, I woke up. From all the lies I had told myself, all the ideas that this was a temporary thing and that he'd returned to me soon.

All the lies that I had told myself, to keep me warm at night, to keep the love I had for him strong, shattered before my very eyes at the realization that he wasn't coming back and that I had been stupid enough to believe it.

Sobs echoed around my room, as all walls I had built up had come crushing down. My will to live going with it. What else did I have to live for if there was to be no Edward in my life?

Charlie? Well he had wanted me gone, couldn't stand to have me around anymore, which is how I found myself in a grubby apartment in the middle of Seattle, something I can barely afford and was at risk of being kicked out if I couldn't come up with this month's rent. But else could I do I already had to drop out of school so that I could work full time, but the money just wasn't good enough and I was sure to be on the street soon. A situation I was not looking forward to.

Renee? She hadn't wanted to talk to me ever since she found out how worked up I got over Edward, screamed at me for letting myself fall for someone like that so hard. She yelled and said if I had been smarter then maybe I wouldn't have gotten my heart broken if I had protected myself better.

So really there was no reason to live, no reason to keep on breathing, to force my heart to beat. Because no one wanted to me and I had been kidding myself to think so.

But oh how I wished Edward had wanted me, like I wanted him. He was all I ever wanted and needed and he took that away from me, the day he left and took my heart as well. And now that I know that he's never going to come back, there is no more reason to wait.

I crawled to the bathroom, not trusting to walk on my two disastrous feet, to see what I had in there that could help towards my demise.

At the thought I stopped myself. Was I, Isabella Marie Swan, going to kill herself? I was, I thought to myself, I was going to kill myself. And as scary as the whole prospect of no longer living of giving up on this cruel world. I was ready for it. The day that Edward Cullen left I ceased to exist anyway, my life was over long ago, I mean the very minute I knew what he was I was willing to give it up for him, I guess in a way I still am. Its funny how things work out, I laughed to myself.

I'm better off cutting my own throat
In hope for once
That you might hear me

Searching through the cabinets, I found that I didn't have any kind of medication really, except for some anti-depressants that Charlie insisted I'd take, to try and make me feel better, yeah fat lot of help that did. I found a razor but I really didn't want to go out like that, besides I could probably only do one cut before fainting from the smell of it and really that wouldn't do any lasting damage which was what I was hoping for. Nope, I said to myself I'm going to have to go with the anti-depressants.

"But hey, I said out loud to myself, "let's have some fun with it. Just taking the drugs isn't going to be good enough; no I want to go out with a bang." I giggled to myself, feeling slightly crazy that I was talking to nobody but me, but hey sometimes you got to be your own best friend.

I know I can at least count
On the mess never judging me
I'm breaking out from all I've come to be

Grabbing the anti-depressants, I made my way back on my hands and knees, to my bedroom, to get ready to go out.

Yes, that is right. Bella Swan, the girl hasn't gone out unless it was for work, in the past two months is going out, for a good old time. This again made me giggle, because I knew I was doing something that Edward Cullen would not agree with. I was putting myself in danger, something that he had tried very hard to keep from. Well I hope this hurts him.

"I HOPE YOU SUFFER EDWARD CULLEN, I HOPE YOU DIE FOR ALL THE PAIN YOU PUT ME THROUGH!"

Alone I've gone through hell
And back to try to feel
And there is no saving me

After my little rant, I moved to grab my purse, before tripping and landing on my face down and coming into eye contact with a bunch of photos that I had stashed underneath the bed. Of me and him.

How beautiful he is, I sighed, before shoving it away from my line of sight and reaching for the sock full of money, taking all of it, that I had worked so hard to save up for.

"Because," I told myself, staring at the reflection in the mirror," it's not like I'm going to be coming back and it's not like you need money once you're dead." Giggling at my actions, I put some lip gloss on, before deciding that I was ready for a night on the town.

"Misterr can I get another vodkaa?" I asked, batting my eyelids, while trying to remain upright on my seat.

"I think you've had enough love." The man said to me, making me angry. Who was he to tell me what to do? I had had enough of this when I was in love with Edward. If I wanted to be changed then that was my choice, not his! and if I wanted enough vodka after I'd already had three, then I was going to get one!

"Pleasee?" I asked again, pouting, knowing that he wouldn't be able to refuse.

"Oh, alright, but I hope your not driving home." He told me, as he poured me another shot.

"Na huh, me no drive home, I'm a good girl." I told him, as I grabbed hungrily for the glass.

"I'm sure you are." He said to me with a twinkle in his. Disgusted I moved away from the bar, which didn't seem as glamorous as it first had when I walked in. headed outside for some fresh air, I found a nice alleyway, where I could sit for a while with my good friend Ms. Vodka.

I was about to drink it down straight, when I remembered the pills in my bag. Heck I didn't go through all that effort of flirting with the bouncer so that he'd let me in, to not do the job properly.

I placed my glass on the floor, losing a bit of it at my sloppy actions, as I rummaged through my bag for the pills, or candy as I called them. Pouring about ten into my hands I picked up my glass with the other hand.

Without a second thought I opened my mouth as wide as I could and quickly swallowed the pills before sculling the vodka down.

"There," I said to myself," all gone."

How long will I take to bleed
These is no saving me
How far will you go to hold on

It wasn't long before I started to feel the affects of what I had taken. I vomited twice, but forced myself to keep it down. My head was feeling drowsy and all the happiness I had felt before had started to wear off and kind of regretted what I had done.

I grieved for the people I was leaving behind, the people I hadn't said goodbye to, but that seemed to take more energy out of me. And so I just laid there and wished that things had worked out differently. And wished that I had Edward to come and save me from myself. But this only made me sob harder because he will probably be happy to know that I'm gone.

As my mind clouded over more, I knew that this was it. That I wouldn't be waking up and so I quietly whispered goodbye. Although knowing that no one would hear me, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

"Goodbye Edward, my love. You may have hurt me, but I wouldn't have changed anything because at least even if only for a short while, I thought I was good enough for you."

Just as my eyes were about to close for the last time, I heard a screech of a cars tires and heard someone running towards me, screaming at me, but I couldn't care.

Because I could hear Edward, telling me he loved me, Edward calling my name, Edward showing me his meadow, which soon become ours, Edward kissing me on the neck. Just me and Edward, how I always dreamed it would.

But there was someone shaking me, telling me to wake up, I wanted to tell them to go away, that I was happy here, but I didn't have the strength, so I just kept my eyes closed, whispered that I loved Edward, and let the blackness seep over me.

Alone I've gone through hell
And back to try to feel
And there is no saving me