Ya Gotta Have "Hart"
Act II
Scene I
[House walks briskly past Billie's desk without acknowledging her. She looks up, rolls her eyes and returns to work. House enters Cuddy's office.]
House: [angrily] Did you have a nice vacation?
Cuddy: [snidely] I did as a matter of fact. Thank you for asking. [pauses] You're obviously angry about something so why not spit it out and spare me the insincere chit chat?
[House hands Cuddy a patient file]
House: My patient while you were gone.
[Cuddy looks it over and then her demeanor softens]
Cuddy: I'm sorry, House.
House: I needed you here.
Cuddy: I know this had to be a very difficult case, House. I am really sorry, but I needed a vacation. I deserved a vacation. Everything is not about you. I'm surprised you didn't torture Billie to death to get my emergency number.
[House scowls]
Cuddy: Ah. I see. [pauses] I'm impressed. You're not just angry about the case, House. You're not just angry about me not being here. You're angry because someone in this hospital finally stood up to you.
House: I'm angry about the case. I'm angry that I had to make that decision.
Cuddy: You're angry because you know if Stacy and I had done what you wanted, you'd be dead. You're angry because you were wrong then and because you were kinder to your patient than you were to yourself.
[House stomps off, out of Cuddy's office, past Billie desk. Cuddy steps out.]
Billie: Is everything ok?
Cuddy: Yes. Dr. House just treated a patient who had a misdiagnosed leg infarction.
[Billie looks perplexed]
Cuddy: It's what happened to Dr. House. It's why he limps; is in chronic pain; is addicted to Vicodin…
Billie: Why he's so miserable.
Cuddy: No. That's just House.
Billie: What happened to the patient?
Cuddy: To save his patient's life, House had to amputate the leg.
Billie: Hit a little too close to home.
Cuddy: [distracted] I need to go talk to House. Take messages.
[Cuddy walks off briskly]
Scene II
[Billie walks into House's darkened office and turns on a light. She puts a mug next to where House is sitting.]
House: I don't want anything.
Billie: It's tea.
House: I hate tea.
Billie: It's soothing.
House: I don't need soothing. I need…
Billie: You need to be alone.
House: to be alone.
[House shakes his head]
Billie: Great minds think alike. [pauses] You need to be alone right now, but you don't need to be alone tonight.
House: Yes. I do.
Billie: No, I don't think so. What you need is a stiff drink and a home-cooked meal. [Hands him map] Be there at 8:30. Don't be late.
House: Will there be sex involved?
Billie: Not this time.
House: Then I'm not coming. [Turns around. Billie is gone]
Scene III
[House arrives at Billie's House. He knocks on the door.]
Billie: [off screen] Come on in.
[House enters a home decorated very tastefully in an early 1960 retro theme. Jazz is playing in the background.]
House: I'm sorry. Apparently I came to the wrong era.
Billie: [off screen] Very clever, House.
[Billie comes out from the kitchen as House closes the door.]
Billie: Can I take your jacket?
House: No, that's alright.
Billie: Listen, House. I know you're already planning your escape, but do you see that closet; the one right there?
[House nods]
Billie: That's where I'm going to hang up your jacket. If you need to escape, it will only delay you by about 10 seconds. Are you really worried about losing those 10 seconds?
House: [sarcastically] I'm a cripple, remember? I'll lose like 15 seconds.
[Billie catches House off guard and pulls off his jacket.]
House: That was hot. Now it's your turn. Take off your blouse.
Billie: You watch too much porn, House. You can go take a seat in there.
.
[House follows Billie to an open room. The focal point of which is a white, grand piano. House takes a deep breath. Billie comes out from the kitchen.]
House: You play?
Billie: Not well. That beauty was my dad's.
House: That's a serious piano. He must have been a serious pianist.
Billie: (sighs) That he was. You play?
House: A little. [Stops; listens] Giant Steps. Nice.
[House walks toward and record player and gives Billie a quizzical look.]
Billie: I think records are more authentic.
[House picks up the album cover]
House: This is an original?
[Billie nods her head. House shakes his head.]
House: You know you can download music like this to your computer?
Billie: Don't have one. Don't need one.
House: CD player?
Billie: In my car. Came with.
[House smirks. Billie points head toward sofa.]
Billie: Why don't you take a load off?
[House sits]
House: Oooo. Comfy. I think you promised me a drink.
Billie: I'm not so sure if that's a good idea now. I've done some research. Mixing alcohol with the acetaminophen…
House: [pouting] But you promised. And really you should trust me, I'm a doctor. There's really only 500 mg. of acetaminophen in a Vicodin. That's the same as in an extra strength Tylenol. BFD.
Billie: Your rationalization is a thing to behold. And BFD? [rolls eyes]
House: My drink?
Billie: You are the guest. I am happy to contribute to the failure of your liver. What are ya drinkin' then, Doctor?
House: You got any Scotch?
Billie: um, I have a 30 year old Maccalum. Will that work?
[House laughs]
Billie: [self-consciously] What?
House: You have Steinway sitting in your living room, an original 1959 vinyl of Giant Steps playing on your…record player, and you're pouring me one of the finest Scotch's in the world. C'mon now, where's the camera?
[Billie smirks as she brings in a glass of two fingers of Maccalum's]
Billie: The record collection was my father's. The Maccalum's was a gift from a friend of my fathers who visits now and again to pay his respects to my father's memory. The music…that was my inheritance.
House: [dryly] Poetic.
[Billie sits down next to House. He is clearly uncomfortable. He walks over to her record collection.]
House: May I?
Billie: Of course.
[House is astounded.]
House: Love Supreme, Take Five, Round Midnight, Moanin'?
[Billie smiles. House tosses back his drink.]
House: Straight No Chaser.
Billie: I love Monk.
House: I mean I'll have another…straight, no chaser.
Billie: Witty.
[House makes a face like "do you think I'm being witty?". Billie comes up and grabs his glass.]
Billie: You can have one more before dinner.
House: These are in mint condition. Do you know how much this collection is worth?
Billie: They're priceless.
House: You shouldn't play them.
Billie: Then what's the point?
[House nods as if he understands]
Scene IV
.
[House walks from kitchen toward the piano]
House: You keep this tuned?
Billie: [off camera] Religiously.
[House sits down and starts to play. Billie enters from the kitchen with two coffees and puts them down on the coffee table.]
Billie: You play a little, eh?
[House ignores her and continues to play as Billie sits back and enjoys her coffee and the music. When the song ends, House joins Billie.]
Billie: Sorry, it's not that fancy cappuccino you like so much from the cafeteria.
[House smirks]
Billie: You having a good time?
House: [quizzically] Surprisingly…a little. You?
Billie: I'm happy person, House. I have a good time most of the time.
House: [with incredulity] Really?
Billie: Really. [sighs] Well, it's getting late and I need to get to bed pretty soon.
House: [stretching] Yeah, me, too. Where do we sleep?
Billie: You're not staying, House.
House: C'mon on now. We broke bread together. Seems like we should break the bed together.
Billie: [smiling] It's time for you to go. But I am glad you came.
House: But I didn't. You wouldn't let me.
Billie: [dryly] How I do love your bawdy humor.
[Billie walks to the coat closet and grabs House's jacket and hands it to House.]
Billie: Let's not tell anyone about this. Ok?
House: Why not? The telling is my favorite part.
Billie: Because that hospital is like a Junior High. I have never in my entire life experienced the amount and frequency of gossip that goes on there…including at my Junior High School come to think of it. [pauses] You know they're just going to tell me to stay away from you and then I am going to have to defy them.
House: I like rebellious.
Billie: I figured as much.
[Billie walks House to the front door and opens it. House walks out.]
Billie: I'd like to see you again.
House: [pouting] I'll have to think about it. And you don't want to stay away from me?
[Billie kisses House]
House: You're sure you don't want me to stay?
Billie: Goodnight, House.
[Billie closes the door. House smiles and heads down her walkway.]
Scene V
[Billie is sitting at her desk when a delivery man comes in with flowers. She signs for them as Wilson walks by.]
Wilson: Nice flowers.
Billie: Yes, they're beautiful.
Wilson: Who are they from?
Billie: I really don't have any idea.
Wilson: Read the card.
[Billie picks up the card and reads it. It reads "thank for the dinner and music. Next time I would like some dessert."]
[Billie laughs]
Wilson: So?
Billie: [smirking] You certainly are nosey today.
[Wilson shrugs]
Billie: They're from a dinner guest I had on Friday.
Wilson: You seem surprised?
Billie: [Looking at the flowers] Actually, I'm astonished! [Looks back up at Wilson] And it's none of your beeswax, Doctor. So there.
Wilson: Beeswax? Don't think I've heard that since about 1975. And I won't ask.
Billie: And Dr. Cuddy's in if you need to see her.
Wilson: Right. I did want to see Cuddy, but I think I just answered my own question.
[House walks around the corner.]
House: [to Billie] Hi there, Bobbi. Is Cuddy in?
Billie: She is.
House: [Looking at the flowers] A man's a fool who wastes his money on flowers.
Wilson: House! They're beautiful. Obviously whoever sent them to Billie has a lot of more class than you'll ever have.
House: Wilson knows everything so it must be true. I mean thinks he knows everything.
[Billie smiles.]
House: [to Wilson] I'll see you later.
Wilson: Not another L Word Marathon?
House: I'm so over the L Word. I thought we'd visit that new Gentlemen's Club that opened on Olden.
Wilson: House, grow up. I don't want to visit a Gentlemen's Club.
Billie: Really, Dr. Wilson. You need to lighten up. Go have fun. Put dollar bills in G Strings. Get a lap dance. It'll do you good.
[Wilson is horrified]
House: [to Billie] Marry me.
Billie: Never!
[Wilson walks off in a daze. House winks at Billie and walks into Cuddy's office.]
Scene VI
[Cuddy is on the phone and points to House to sit down which he ignores]
House: This is really important.
Cuddy: Yes, Mr. Martinez. Absolutely!
House: Really, really important.
Cuddy: Yes, Mr. Martinez. You have my word. Ok. You, too.
[Cuddy hangs up]
Cuddy: That was David Martinez. Do you remember him?
House: Uh…should I?
Cuddy: Yes. He's the patient who wanted a second opinion and you told him if he got a second opinion you wouldn't help him.
House: Did he get a second opinion?
Cuddy: Yes he did.
House: And did the second opinion concur with my first and obviously correct opinion?
Cuddy: Yes it did.
House: And now he wants to come back and have me treat him?
Cuddy: Yes, he does.
House: I already told him I wouldn't treat him if he got a second opinion so…
Cuddy: I just gave the man my word.
House: You shouldn't make promises you can't keep.
Cuddy: House!
House: Ok…I have some time tomorrow.
Cuddy: You have clinic duty tomorrow.
House: Correction. You have clinic duty tomorrow. [smiling] I am going to allow you to keep your word to Juan.
Cuddy: It's David. And are you smiling?
House: I enjoy watching you squirm.
Cuddy: You enjoy watching me squirm?
House: Is there an echo in here?
Cuddy: Just you enjoy watching me squirm? No you enjoy watching me squirm because it makes my boobies shake? No innuendo.
House: Did you want me to throw in some innuendo?
Cuddy: No, House. Are you ok?
House: Couldn't be better.
Cuddy: Has Wilson been spiking your coffee with anti-depressants again?
House: Cuddy [sarcastically] you really need to start seeing the best in people.
Cuddy: I do see the best in people. But you're not people…you're House.
House: Ouch. Gotta run.
Cuddy: Wasn't there something important you needed to talk to me about?
House: Not really. Just wanted to get to you before you promised Jose I would treat him. Too late.
Cuddy: It's David.
House turns around and walks out.
Scene VII
[Billie is in her house cleaning when there is a knock on the door. She opens it to find House.]
Billie: Hello, House.
[House walks in]
Billie: What are you doing here?
House: It's Saturday and I don't have a patient and you don't generally work on Saturday unless you have been playing hooky every Saturday since you started.
Billie: And?
House: I thought we could do something.
Billie: House. I'm not having sex with you.
House: Something better than sex.
Billie: There's something better than sex?
House: Marry me.
Billie: I thought I made it clear that will not happen. What do you have in mind?
House: A church with lots of people and cake and champagne; a bad DJ.
Billie: Cute. I mean for today.
House: We could take a ride on my bike.
Billie: [looks out open door] It is a beautiful day.
House: You might need to change.
Billie looks down. She's wearing overalls and a t-shirt.
Billie: Give me five minutes. [walking off] Help yourself to some coffee and there are some fresh scones.
[House goes into the kitchen and looks through the cupboards until he finds a mug. He pours himself some coffee and grabs a scone and takes a big, messy bite, getting crumbs all over himself. Shakes them off. He notices Billie's birth control pills on the counter, opens them to make sure she's taking them.]
House: [mouth half full] You keep your birth control pills in the kitchen?
Billie: [off screen] What?
House: [swallows] You keep your birth control pills in your kitchen?
Billie: [off screen] Why are you touching my birth control pills?
House: You left them out.
Billie: [off screen] I take my pill each morning at breakfast.
House: What if you miss breakfast?
Billie: [off screen] I always eat breakfast. (Walking out decked out in leather pants, boots and a tight t-shirt] It's the most important meal of the day.
[House looks up with a mouthful of scone]
House: Oh Mama!
Billie: Thank you.
House: Now all you need to make this outfit work is a dog collar.
Billie: All you need to make this day work is a muzzle.
House smirks. They leave.
Scene VIII
[House and Billie return and they walk into a darkened house. Billie turns on the lights.]
Billie: Ya wanna come in?
House: Are we going to have sex?
Billie: Nope.
House: Because you have a gig tonight?
Billie: Because I'm not ready. And I have a gig tonight. Ya wanna come see me?
House: Will there be sex after?
Billie: House. [pauses] I had such a great time with you today. And I had a great time with you the other night. And I like you. But if I have sex with you, and it's more than likely when and not if, it will be on my terms.
House: How is that fair?
Billie: It's not, House. Life isn't fair.
House: Can I ask you a favor then?
Billie: Sure.
House: Do you have any lotion?
[Billie laughs]
Billie: That I can offer you.
[Billie kisses House]
Billie: You just need to be a little patient with me; that's all. I really do like you.
House: Most women do.
Billie: How could they not?
House: You get it.
Billie: I think I'm free next Saturday. You wanna come over for dinner? And I forgot to ask, do you play chess?
House: Of course I play chess. You play chess?
[Billie nods]
House: Can we play Strip Chess?
Billie: I've never played or even heard of Strip Chess, but ok.
[Billie walks to her bathroom and brings out a basket of lotions]
Billie: Pick your poison. I gotta hurry if I'm going to make it by my first set.
[House grabs the whole basket. Billie laughs]
Billie: I had a really, really great time.
House: Yeah. Me, too.
[Billie pushes House out the door]
[There is a knock on the door]
Billie: Did you forget something?
[Billie opens the doors. House hands her the empty basket.]
House: I couldn't fit this on my bike.
[Billie giggles and closes the door]
Scene IX
[Billie and House are drinking Scotch, listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons and playing chess. Billie is in her bra and panties. House is in his underwear and socks.]
Billie: You're good at this.
House: So are you.
Billie: This game is never going to end, is it?
House: Doesn't appear that way. I still think it was cheating to wear sunglasses and a scarf. They're not technically clothes.
Billie: Well, if you're not cheating, you're not trying.
[House is trying to establish his next move. Billie yawns.]
House: Am I keeping you up?
Billie: I think I should call it a night pretty soon.
[House gets up and grabs his jacket.]
Billie: You leaving?
House: I'm leaving before you throw me out and tell me to be patient.
[House walks out and slams the door. Billie shakes her head.]
Scene X
[House is sitting on his sofa compulsively flipping through the television channels. He turns it off and walks to a drawer; pulls out a business card. He dials the number.]
Gretchen: Aim to Please. We're here at your pleasure. How may I help you?
House: Gretchen. It's Greg. I need a girl. Is Brandie available tonight?
Gretchen: Which Brandie, Greg.
House: You have more than one Brandie?
Gretchen: We have three now. You like the brunette, right?
House: That's the one.
Gretchen: She's out on a call, but let check for you…please hold.
[Bad hold music plays]
Gretchen: Greg…she's available at about 1:30. Will that work for you?
House: Yeah. That's fine.
Gretchen: You still at the same address? 221 B Baker…?
House: Yeah.
Gretchen: You want this on your MasterCard ending in 2204?
House: [anxiously] That's fine.
Gretchen: To confirm, we're sending Brandie at 1:30 to your address and it's going on your MasterCard.
House: Yes.
Gretchen: Is there anything else I can help you with?
House: No.
Gretchen: Thank you for calling Aim to Please. Goodnight, Greg.
[House hangs up. He starts to pace. There's a knock on his door.]
[House look at the clock. It's midnight. Shakes his head.]
House: I'm not home.
Billie: C'mon, House. Let me in.
[House goes to open the door and then remembers the business card in his hand]
House: One minute.
[House dials the number and he gets the busy signal]
House: [mumbling] What I pay them and they can't afford call waiting?
Billie: It's cold out here.
[House heads towards the door and once again remembers the card in his hand. Quickly runs back to the drawer and shoves it in. He heads toward the door and opens it to Billie who is wearing a simple, cotton dress. He nods for her to come in. House sits down on the sofa.]
House: What are you doing here? I'm not up for chess or playing games for that matter.
Billie: Aw, that's cute. You're mad at me.
[House just glares at her]
Billie: I couldn't sleep.
House: You want me to prescribe you something?
Billie: I came because I want to renegotiate.
House: Renegotiate what? You told me you're in control and I have nothing to negotiate.
Billie: I came to renegotiate my own terms.
House: Ok, well have a seat then.
[As House nods towards the sofa, Billie climbs up on House and straddles his lap.]
Billie: [playfully] Is it ok if I sit here?
[House nods]
House: Are you wearing anything under that dress?
[Billie shakes her head. Starts to kiss House's neck; takes off his shirts; continues lower. House smiles.]
House: I like the way you negotiate.
Scene XI
[House and Billie are spooning in his bed when there's a knock on the door. Billie wakes up and shakes House awake.]
Billie: You seem to have a visitor.
House: What? What time is it?
[House looks over at the clock and it reads 1:30 AM. House jumps up and throws on some sweats.]
House: I better go see who it is.
[House leaves the room and closes the door. Billie listens to see if she can hear. House answers the door and Brandie is standing there.]
Brandie: [loudly] Hiya, Greg. Feeling the need for a little Brandie tonight? [giggles]
House: Listen, Brandie. I'm really sorry. Something has come up.
Brandie: [looking at House's sweats] I see that.
House: I can't tonight. Tell Gretchen to go ahead and bill me.
[Brandie follows him in]
House: Wait right there.
[House searches for his pants which are on the floor in the living room; finds his wallet; hands Brandie some twenty dollars bills.]
House: Sorry, Brandie.
[Brandie pouts; turns away and walks down the sidewalk. House closes the door. He turns around and there is Billie; startling him.]
Billie: Do you need a little Brandie tonight?
House: I can explain.
Billie: House, don't explain…I understand you're a man and I understand you have needs, but you couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt that I would meet those needs sooner or later. You had to call one of your hookers?
House: I prefer the word escort.
Billie: House.
[House stops and shakes his head]
House: Shouldn't you be throwing something at me right now?
Billie: I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. And a little embarrassed.
House: You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Brandie's got nothing on you, well except for a lot more silicone and some cool toys. You, you gave me the performance of a lifetime.
Billie: You ready for the encore?
House: That's my favorite part.
Billie starts running toward the bedroom.
Billie: Catch me if you can.
House: Very funny.
House smirks and limps after her.
Scene XII
[House walks around the corner to Billie's desk, but she's not there. He stealthily looks around the corner. When he turns around, Cuddy is standing in the doorway.]
Cuddy: Looking for someone?
House: I ran out of cappuccino.
Cuddy: Come into my office.
[House follows Cuddy in]
Cuddy: Close the door.
House: Okay. But you're not going to have your way with me.
[House closes the door as Cuddy rolls her eyes]
House: So?
Cuddy: You were looking for Billie, weren't you?
House: I said I ran out of coffee.
Cuddy: Haven't we already had this conversation?
House: Yep. So why am I here?
Cuddy: I don't think you're out of coffee.
House: Did you check?
Cuddy: House. I think you're interested in Billie.
House: I told you to fire her on her first day. It's Wilson that's interested in her…well, was. How can I convince you that I'm not interested in Billie?
Cuddy: You can deflect all you want, but I think you're interested in her or maybe this is some kind of experiment of yours.
House: Yes, Igor. I need her brains.
Cuddy: I want you to stay away from her. She's done more to organize this office than I ever could on my own. Again, I implore you not to screw this up for me. Not to screw her.
House: You're jealous. What they say is true. Once you've had House; you can't go back. Wait. That doesn't rhyme.
Cuddy: I'm not jealous, House.
House: I knew this would happen. [simulating sincerity] You have to get over me.
Cuddy: There is nothing to get over. I experienced an extreme lapse in judgment for a short period of time, which I will regret for the rest of my life, I assure you.
House: Wow, you said that whole thing in one breath.
Cuddy: Just stay away from her.
House: You never let me have any fun.
[House sticks his tongue out at Cuddy. Cuddy puts her hand on her head as if to indicate a headache is coming on.]
Scene XIII
[House is sitting at the kitchen bar as Billie cuts vegetables]
House: There's something you should probably know.
[Billie turns around and looks at House]
Billie: Sounds serious.
House: [a beat] I slept with Cuddy.
[Billie looks down at floor and then back up again]
Billie: It's ok. We never said we were exclusive. Lord knows you're not the only man I'm seeing. It's just…Dr. Cuddy?
House: Yeah…[shakes his head] wait, what do you mean I'm not the only man you're seeing?
Billie: I mean you're not the only man I'm seeing. Did you think you were the only man I'm seeing?
[House looks bewildered]
Billie: But Dr. Cuddy's my boss. She's your boss. This is going to be uncomfortable. She doesn't know about us, does she?
House: How many other guys are you seeing exactly?
Billie: It's no big deal, ok? You're the only one I'm sleeping with. You're the one I like.
House: If I'm the one you like, then why are you seeing other men exactly? I'm assuming they're men.
Billie: I'm seeing these other men, yes they're men, for the same reason when it's the bottom of the ninth and your team is down one, you not only want your strongest hitter up to bat, but you want your bases loaded, too.
House: Huh.
Billie: Do you understand?
House: You want to ensure you're going to score?
[Billie nods]
House: But you already scored…and you've scored a lot.
Billie: No House. I don't mean score as in sex. Well, not just sex. I mean score as in live happily ever after.
House: Then you're going to want to keep the bases loaded.
Billie: And does that mean you're going to keep sleeping with Cuddy?
House: Are you going to start sleeping with the baseball players?
Billie: What baseball players?
House: The metaphorical ones?
Billie: It was a simile.
House: Whatever. I'm not sleeping with Cuddy. I slept with Cuddy a long time ago. We had a thing. It was a mistake.
Billie: How long is a long time ago?
House: I don't know. Six months or maybe it's been a year. Can't remember.
Billie: (laughing) Oh, that long ago?
House: Ancient history.
Billie: Do you want me to stop seeing the other men?
House: You keep saying men, plural. How many are there?
Billie: It doesn't matter.
[House indicates "go on"]
Billie: Mostly it's two guys I know. There's a third one, but I wrote him off a while ago. He just keeps calling.
House: But you're only sleeping with me?
Billie: You're the one I like.
House: So you said.
Billie: So again I ask, do you want me to stop seeing the other men?
House: Well, I did give up Cuddy for you.
Billie: You gave up Cuddy before you met me and for all I know and it's the most likely scenario anyway, she probably gave you up.
House: But I probably would have given her up for you. I'm pretty sure.
Billie: O.k. So I'll give up the guys and stick it out with you as long as you play your cards right and give me what I want. [bats eyes]
[House smirks]
Billie: Does she know?
House: She suspects.
[Billie sighs. Goes back to cutting vegetables. House comes from behind and kisses her on the neck]
Billie: What are you doing?
House: Keeping up my end of the bargain.
[Billie is confused]
House: Playing my cards right and giving you what you want.
Billie: On second thought, I'm not that hungry. Are you?
House: No. Although I'm suddenly craving peanuts and crackerjacks.
[Billie laughs]
Scene XIV
[House enters Wilson's office]
House: Hey. You wanted to see me?
Wilson: Hey…Stranger. I came by your place last night.
House: I wasn't home.
Wilson: I gathered that when you didn't answer your door.
House: Who's to say I always answer my door when I'm home?
Wilson: Good point. [pauses] Where have you been? We haven't gone out in weeks.
House: Aw. You miss me.
Wilson: I don't miss you. No, that's a lie. I do. I do miss you. Oh God.
House: There is no god.
Wilson: It's an expression. So you didn't answer my question.
House: What question?
Wilson: Where have you been?
House: Out.
Wilson: Oh my God. [House cringes] Oh my goodness. That doesn't sound right. You're seeing someone!
House: No I'm not.
Wilson: Yes, you are. Is this like a…real woman?
House: No I've actually started seeing a blow up doll. I got the idea from that movie Lars and the Real Girl. Smart kid that Lars. What kind of a name is Lars?
Wilson: Swedish, I think. This is impossible, but it makes sense.
House: And she's very cost-effective, too. I call her Cuddy.
Wilson: It's not a blow-up doll, although it's very clever of you to try to throw me off with something you would name a blow-up doll.
House: I'm not seeing anyone.
Wilson: Then where have you been?
House: I've start playing Bingo down at the Sacred Heart.
Wilson: You want to tell me. Telling me is your favorite part.
House: There's nothing to tell. So how's it going with that nurse or whoever it was you were seeing?
Wilson: Not bad. Not the love of my life…why are we making this about me?
House: I'm trying to be less self-absorbed. Be a better person.
Wilson: So you're not going to tell me?
House: No.
Wilson: So do you wanna go out tonight? WWF at the Garden. I have tickets in the third row. We're guaranteed to be so close we can feel the flying sweat.
House: Cool.
Wilson: So you'll come?
House: Yeah, but I need to be home by midnight.
Wilson: Because your blow-up doll named Cuddy will be waiting for you?
House: I knew you'd understand.
Wilson: I'll come by your office at six.
House: I'll be ready to rumble.
[House starts to leave; stops; turns around]
House: Can Cuddy come?
Wilson: Are we talking about the real Cuddy or the blow-up doll?
House: Duh, like the real Cuddy would go to WWF.
Wilson: No you can't bring your blow-up doll. Wait, there is no blow-up doll.
[House smiles]
Wilson: You're really not going to tell me?
House: Nope.
[House walks out of Wilson's office. Wilson shakes his head as Cameron walks in]
Cameron: What's up with House?
Wilson: He won't tell me.
Cameron: Now that's a surprise. He usually so open with his feelings.
Wilson: I think he's seeing someone. He loves to talk about his sexual escapades when he's got something going on. For that matter he loves to talk about them when he has absolutely nothing going on. Why won't he tell me?
Cameron: He does seem a little more chipper lately.
Wilson: Do you know I haven't gone out with him in weeks?
Cameron: Aw. You miss him.
Wilson: Oh God. Why does everyone keep saying that?
Cameron: Maybe he's been busy.
Wilson: Yes, but with who?
Cameron: With whom.
Wilson: I went by his place last night and he wasn't home.
Cameron: So?
Wilson: I waited for five hours; outside; in my car.
Cameron: You're stalking House?
Wilson: No, I've just been concerned.
Cameron: [alarmed] O-kee. Can we change the subject? This is getting a little weird. I actually need a consult. I don't want to know what House is up to. And please don't ever stalk me.
Cameron shivers.
Wilson: I'm not a stalker.
Cameron: My patient?
Wilson: A consult? Of course.
[House is standing just outside Wilson's door and laughs; walks off]
Scene XV
[Billie is typing away on the computer when Cuddy comes outside her door]
Cuddy: Billie, can I see you a moment in my office?
Billie: Of course, Dr. Cuddy.
[Billie gets up, enters and closes the door. Cuddy sits on the edge of her desk.]
Billie: Is everything alright?
Cuddy: Everything is fine, Billie.
Billie: What can I do for you?
Cuddy: I have a concern. Call it woman's intuition, but I have this feeling that you're seeing Dr. House.
[Billie doesn't respond]
Cuddy: And I think it's a not a very good idea for co-workers to become involved.
[Billie still doesn't respond]
Cuddy: I'm concerned.
Billie: I appreciate your concern, Dr. Cuddy. But I don't talk about my private life at work. I told you something very personal about me when I told you about what happened to Sarah, but I wish I hadn't. It's really very personal; you understand?
Cuddy: Of course I do.
Billie: And what I do outside of this office is very personal to me and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm really not feeling like this is an appropriate conversation.
Cuddy: But don't you agree that co-workers shouldn't…co-mingle?
Billie: Dr. Cuddy, I just re-formatted the employee handbook for this hospital, remember?
Cuddy: Yes and you did an excellent job. It looks so much more professional.
Billie: I'm not seeking praise, Dr. Cuddy. What I am trying to tell you is that while I was re-formatting our employee handbook, I read every last word.
Cuddy: Ok.
Billie: And there is a section on co-mingling as you call it. Have you read it, Dr. Cuddy?
Cuddy: Of course I did, when it first came out.
Billie: [matter of factly] If you recall, in that section on co-mingling, it states very clearly that co-mingling is not prohibited except between a manager and his or her employee. Conflict of interest when writing performance reviews and that kind of thing. Does that ring a bell?
[Cuddy is suddenly flushed and gets up from the corner of the desk and sits down in her chair]
Billie: Are you ok?
Cuddy: I'm fine, Billie. That will be all.
Billie: You'll let me know if you need something?
[Cuddy just nods her head and Billie walks out; shutting the door behind her]
Scene VI
[House is drinking beer, sitting at the garden watching WWF in all its glory. Wilson is carrying a drink carrier with four beers, tries to make his way to their seats while angry wrestling fans are pushing him to get out of the way.]
House: Thirsty?
Wilson: What?
House: [yelling over the crowd] I said are you thirsty?
Wilson: [yelling] You can't have wrestling without beer.
House: Nope.
[House tosses back his beer and takes another]
House: You should know better.
Wilson: What are you talking about?
House: You can't get me drunk on a few beers.
Wilson: I'm not trying to get you drunk.
[House tosses back another and grabs one more.]
Wilson: I'm not trying to get you drunk.
House: Now you're repeating yourself.
[The crowd is getting wild. One wrestler slams another wrestler to the mat. House and the rest of the crowd get up a start cheering. Then the wrestler picks himself up and the crowd lets out an "ohhhhhhhhhhh" of disappointment.]
Wilson: So it was a lame attempt.
[The wrestler slams the other wrestler to the mat again and the crowd goes wild.]
House: Fine. [yelling] It's Hart. I'm seeing Hart.
Wilson: I can't hear you.
[The crowd continues to cheer as the referee declares the winner.]
House: I'm seeing Billie.
Wilson: What? I can't hear you.
House: [Yelling] I'm seeing Billie Hart.
[Wilson shows recognition; then disbelief; then anger. He hits House in the jaw with all his might. House falls down. The crowd in their section turn their attention to Wilson and House.]
Crowd: Fight!
[House pulls himself up. Wilson hits him again. The crowd cheers. Wilson goes in for a third hit, but House ducks and then sucker punches Wilson in the stomach. Wilson doubles over in pain.]
[More cheers from the crowd. Wilson is about to hit House again when House puts his arms up in surrender. Wilson and House sit in their seats. The crowd around them let out another "ohhhhhhhhhh" of disappointment. House and Wilson look at each other until they notice security headed their way. They are escorted off.]
Scene XVII
[House and Wilson are sitting in a holding cell, surrounded by several drunks, a transvestite and a couple of hoodlums.]
Wilson: I still can't believe this.
House: I can't either. We're attending one of the most violent shows on earth and they arrest us?
Wilson: I mean really am not interested in irony, House. What I mean is that I cannot believe this.
House: You have a mean right hook.
Wilson: [resigned] I didn't think there was anything more you could do to me.
House: I didn't do this to you, ok? She was the one.
Wilson: I don't believe you.
House: It's true. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but she's got this thing about keeping her private life private.
Wilson: [Incredulous] But why you?
House: Probably for the same reason you've been friends with me for all these years.
Wilson: Because I'm a sucker.
House: [shakes his head] No. Because you see something in me. Something other people don't see.
[The guard comes to the cell door]
Guard: O.k., Boys. Looks like someone has come to for you.
[He lets them out]
Transvestite/Channel: Aw. You leaving already? Don't forget me, Boys.
House: I don't think we ever could, Channel.
Wilson: You take care of yourself. Remember what we talked about.
Channel: You know this girl can take care of herself. And for what's it worth, Dr. Wilson. You're the cute one. I don't know what is wrong with that girl. I could just eat you up.
House: [offended] Thanks a lot.
[Channel gives House a dirty look]
Wilson: [mumbles] Let's get out of here.
[The Warden has them sign some documents and then gives them their wallets, belts, etc… Then he takes them to the waiting area where Billie is waiting; fuming.]
Billie: What the Hell were you thinking?
House: He started it.
Wilson: He deserved it.
[Billie just shakes her head]
Billie: Let's go.
[Wilson and House follow behind her like boys who have just been caught being bad by their mother.]
Scene XVIII
[Cuddy enters House's office and gasps]
Cuddy: What happened to you?
House: I was mugged.
Cuddy: You weren't mugged. That's not what it looks like to be mugged. You were in a fight.
[House doesn't respond]
Cuddy: I can't have the head of Diagnostics walking around looking like he was just in a bar fight. You need to take the day off. Clean yourself up.
House: I'm fine.
[Wilson walks in and then, seeing Cuddy, starts to turn around. He suddenly grabs his stomach.]
Cuddy: Get in here, Wilson.
[She looks at both of them]
Cuddy: [to Wilson] Something wrong, Wilson?
Wilson: I did too many crunches last night.
Cuddy: So let me get this straight. [to House] You were injured when you were mugged last night and you [to Wilson] hurt your stomach while working on your six pack?
Wilson and House: [unison] Uh-huh.
Cuddy: You, two, were in a fight…with each other. This is unbelievable. I should suspend both of you.
House: I was mugged.
Wilson: I worked out too hard. I can bring in the DVD tomorrow. You can borrow it.
Cuddy: Are you suggesting that I need to work on my abs?
Wilson: No, no. That's not what I meant.
Cuddy: And did you file a police report, Dr. House?
House: No. Someone came by and they ran off. They didn't get anything.
Cuddy: You realize I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
[Cuddy stomps off]
House: Working on your abs? As if.
Wilson: Go to Hell.
[Wilson stomps off, too]
[House's rubs his sore cheek; pops a Vicodin; and sits down]
Scene XIX
[Billie knocks on the already open door of Wilson's office]
Billie: May I come in?
Wilson: Of course.
[Billie closes the door behind her and sits down]
Wilson: I'm really sorry about last night.
Billie: No apologies. House told me what happened. I should have told you.
Wilson: It's none of my business. But can I ask you one question?
Billie: Shoot.
Wilson: Why House?
Billie: Do you want the long answer or the short one?
Wilson: Short is fine.
Billie: I'm a lot like you Wilson. I have a savior complex, too.
Wilson: You think I have a savior complex?
[Billie smiles]
Wilson: Ok, so I have a savior complex, but I have to tell you…House can't be saved. I've tried, but every attempt has ended in futility.
Billie: I know, but you love him. Despite all that.
Wilson: And so do you.
Billie: And so do I. [cautiously] Please don't tell him that I said that. And please, I really do want this to stay between us. All of it.
Wilson: [smiles] You're secret's safe with me.
Billie: Thank you, Wilson.
[Billie turns to leave]
Wilson: Billie:
[Billie turns around]
Wilson: I need saving, too.
Billie: [smiles] We all do. I just wasn't meant to be the one to save you.
[Billie opens the door and walks out. Wilson sighs]
End Act II