Making My Way Back

I must have run until dawn that fateful night. It was the last time I saw Nessie's beautiful sad face. But I couldn't stop thinking of her. I traveled up to Canada and ended up in a provincial park. The snow was heavy and my feet sunk in with every step. I came across a fairly fresh elk carcass, maybe a week old. As soon as I smelled it, I knew Nessie was here. It was her kill from when she was on the run. I inhaled her sweet scent from the carcass and tried to devour the rest of the frozen elk. It was tough as first, but I had to be close to her somehow. Just knowing she was here made my heart yearn for her more. When I had my fill of the frozen elk carcass, I headed more East in Canada, coming across her scent yet again. Why was I torturing myself like this? I couldn't take much more of her scent, so I headed more south and went through the Dakotas, Montana, Idaho, and back home to LaPush. By the time I got back home it had been a couple weeks. I stopped back by my Dad's and never phased back human. I stood at the edge of the woods near my house, and stared long and hard at the small red house of my youth. My father happened to come out of the house, and I tried to hide. He must have seen me, though, and he called to me.

"Jake?" He questioned.

I stepped out into view, and howled once to him.

"Are you coming home now Jake?"

I shook my head in disagreement.

"I miss you, son. Take care of yourself, and don't stay away too long."

I nodded to him, and ran back out into the brush, heading out again. This time I headed south towards the Rockies. I continued to patrol the Sierras and around the Rockies. Several weeks later I ended back home again. This time I crossed paths with Seth. He was out patrolling in LaPush.

Jake? Good to see you Jake!

You too Seth.

You've been unphased all this time?

Yep.

Wow. How've you been?

Fine, Seth.

Boy, you're hair is getting long again. You need a haircut!

Yeah, I know.

So where have you been?

All over. Canada, the Rockies, the Sierras.

Have you seen you're Dad?

I was by here a few weeks ago.

Oh, you didn't stop to say hi to anyone else.

I know.

Are you doing alright Jake?

I'm surviving.

Have you talked to Nessie?

I cringed at her name, and it made me shudder. No. I haven't.

I guess she is still depressed. I talked to Edward the other day, and he's concerned about her. I guess she is catatonic most days.

Oh. I shuddered again. I was glad I didn't have to see her in her depression. It would surely kill me to see her like that. Tears were starting to well in my eyes. Look, Seth. I'm going to run. I will catch up to you some other time.

Okay, Jake. It was good seeing you.

Yeah, you too.

I ran again. Not as far this time. I ran towards Alaska.

A couple weeks later I came home again. I came across Seth again. He wasn't phased in werewolf this time. He grabbed me a pair of shorts, and I phased back human for the first time in months. It felt strange to be on two legs again. I almost had to steady myself like I had sea legs.

"How you doing, Jake?"

"Alright, Seth. What's going on?"

"Oh, pretty much the same. Are you staying for a while?"

"I haven't decided."

"She misses you, you know?"

I was surprised at his statement.

"What do you mean, Seth?"

"Nessie. She's doing a little better. She called me last week."

"Oh. What for?"

"She was checking up on you, I think."

"Why?"

"Because she still loves you, you dope!"

"What did you tell her about me?"

"I told her you were lone-wolf again."

"Oh. How do you know she misses me?"

"She told me."

"Oh."

"Jake, why don't you just go see her?"

"I don't know if I can. I can't stand to see her sad."

"The funeral is Friday."

"Oh."

"You're prolonging the inevitable, Jake. You know you still love her, you idiot! So go! She needs you."

I thought about it for a moment. How she would react to seeing me after all this time apart. Would she be happy to see me? I suddenly felt warmth inside me. I smiled at the prospect.

"That's right, Jake. Go."

I decided I should. So I caught the red-eye to New Hampshire Thursday, and was there by dawn Friday. I wore my best suit and tucked my hair behind my ears. Seth told me the funeral would be on the beach at dawn, so I headed there as soon as my plane landed. The butterflies churned in my stomach as I made my way down the beach until I found the alcove. I stood at the mouth of the alcove and watched the funeral procession. I saw her, my Nessie. She was so beautiful, yet sad. I watched her place the wreath of flowers in the water hoping to catch her eyes. Then she looked up from the water. I think she saw me. I went to wave to her, and smiled. I mouthed "Hi" to her. She mouthed "Hi" back. Her face lit up like the dawn that was rising over that beach. Then she suddenly bounded up the beach and practically leapt into my arms. The excitement overcame me, and I held her tight, inhaling her sweet spicy scent. It felt so good to hold her in my arms. I rocked her gently. Then I pulled away to look at her beautiful face.

"I thought I was hallucinating for a minute. You're really here." She told me.

"Yes, Nessie, I'm really here. It's not a mirage."

"Thank you for coming."

"I wanted to tell you…" The words started to choke me up. "I'm sorry for your loss, Nessie."

"Thanks. I am really glad you decided to come."

I hugged her again, tightly. She felt so soft. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now, but holding you in my arms." I told her.

I could feel her start to weep. I had to reassure her I wasn't going anywhere.

"You'll be alright, Nessie."

"I know." He made me believe.

I followed her family, lagging behind watching her every move. There was a small reception at the house. I stood in the kitchen with Bella, Edward and Charlie, somewhat listening to their conversation. Her eyes were on me from across the room. She sat still in the high-backed chair. Her arms stiff to her sides. I caught her eyes several times, smiling at her. Her face lit up, as she returned the smile. Then she looked uncomfortable and started to fidget in her seat. Her face went blank and she got up from her chair and started out of the house. She looked at me, as for me to follow. I watched her go outside onto the front lawn. I decided to follow. She was wandering barefoot in the grass.

"Are you alright, Nessie?" I asked her, and she turned seeming surprised I was there.

"Oh, yeah. I just needed some air. All that chatter was making me a little crazy."

"Do you want to be alone?" She was still thinking of him.

"No. Don't go, please." She held her hand to me. I took it willingly, just to feel her silky smooth skin. I laced my fingers into hers.

"How long are you staying, Jake?" She asked. I was unsure. I looked for clues from her.

"I don't know. That depends on you."

"What do you mean?"

"Depends on how long you need me to stay."

I hoped she would say 'forever', but she was still grieving for him.

"You know, Nessie." The words lumped in my throat. "You can talk about him if you want. If it helps."

She looked strangely at me.

"Thanks, Jake, but I don't think I can right now."

"Well, when you're ready, I will listen."

She seemed perturbed. "Why are you being so nice to me? You shouldn't even be here. You should be furious with me."

"I'm here because you need me to be. I don't want you to be sad anymore."

"How do you know what I need?" Now she was mad at me. "Maybe I need you to yell and scream at me, tell me what a horrible person evil person I am!"

I sighed calmly. I didn't want to argue with her. I was there to help her through this.

"I know you are hurting right now, Nessie. But trying to start a fight with me is not going to work."

"Maybe I want to fight. Maybe I want to yell!" Then she started hitting me, but I stayed calm. She needed to vent. "Fight me, Jake! Fight me!"

I grabbed her wrists, though I wanted so much to kiss her then. Her anger aroused me, but she was not ready for that yet.

"I'm not going to fight with you, Nessie. If it makes you feel better to hit me, then go ahead." Then I let go of her and patted my chest for her to hit me. I didn't care. I was strong now. "Come on give me you're best shot."

She was suddenly enraged, and charged me knocking me to the ground. Let it out Nessie. "That right. Hit me harder." I let her hit me, until she was through, and then she cried into my chest. I stroked her hair. That's right. It's okay. I'm here, darling.

"Do you feel better now?" We sat next to each other.

"Yes, I think so. Why did you let me hit you like that? You didn't even get mad at me."

"No. I knew you needed to release some of that pain. Why not on me? I can take it?" I told her.

"You never even got the least bit angry."

"I think I have that under control now. Ever since the elders woke the spirit in me, it was like a calming. Suddenly everything was clear. I had a new outlook on life." I remembered the feeling of being werewolf again. The weight that was lifted and the feeling of freedom once again. "Plus I wanted to help you through your grief. My, anger, won't help you anyway."

She seemed amazed at the new me.

"When did you realize you were still a werewolf?"

"As soon as I got back to LaPush, I went to the elders to see if they could change me back. They informed me I was still a werewolf. The wolf was sleeping inside me. It just needed to be awoken. I knew as soon as I was werewolf again I could try and win you back. Then I heard that the blood-sucker from Italy was after you two, and you ran away with Leo. I wanted to find you and tear him to shreds and take you away. But when I had the wolf back, it all changed. I knew I couldn't be the one to take that from you. It saddened me for you to be with him, but I dealt with it the only way I knew I could. So I started patrolling with Sam again. It was like old times. I could have stayed in wolf stage. I was even Alpha for a day." I recalled.

"I didn't see you at first when I got to LaPush. Where were you?"

"I wasn't there yet. I was patrolling near Vancouver, actually intercepting." I remembered tracking the killer vampire.

She never knew I was following her. "Intercepting? Who? You were following me?"

"Yes. I caught up to you northeast of Vancouver, and found the blood-sucker close on your trail following you. I made sure he wasn't going to catch you. He was so close to getting you, you wouldn't believe. I passed him when I knew you were out of his range. And I followed you all the way in. Somehow Demetri got around me, and got here before me. It was my fault, Nessie. The pack was waiting on my orders. I was late getting there. I didn't make it in time to save Leo. I could barely make it in time to protect you. If I was any later, you might have been killed." Jacob looked away. "I'm sorry for that."

"You followed me? And you led the attack on Demetri?"

"Yes. But I was too late. I'm sorry." I felt ashamed for my lack of heroism.

"It's not your fault, Jake. You did the best you could."

"I had no idea the Volturi were coming either. We had just caught scent of them as we phased back. We thought the danger was over. I had no idea one of them wanted you dead." It was hard not to think of what could have happened, if I had lost her.

"You wouldn't have. None of us did really. Nobody knew what Caius was capable of. Leo was so weak from Demetri's bite. I didn't think he would be able to even fight Caius. It must have took every last ounce of life left of him to save me from Caius."

I tried to ease her pain. "I really am sorry, Nessie."

"Would you quit saying your sorry. It's not your fault. Quit blaming yourself. It was a tragic accident. Nothing more."

"If you say so. I wish I could have done more."

"Don't Jake! If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened in the first place. So just stop it!" I had to stop her. I needed her, and she needed me. I grabbed her arm and swung her around. I took her face in my hands and I kissed her passionately, and all those feelings came rushing back into my head. I felt her body loosen in my grasp. All her muscles relaxed and she became unsteady as we stopped kissing. I still had it!

"I'm glad to see I still have that effect on you." I grinned my Cheshire cat grin.