A/N: Okay, there's a few things that should be said.

Things have been really tough. I'm not trying to excuse anything, I'm just saying I have priorities. To clarify, actually, I have manic depression, and lately the medicine has been changing a bit, so things in my life have been in cycles. My sleep, my moods, my energy, all sorts of things. I gave up this fic in the middle of it, and felt pretty lousy over that, too, because I enjoyed writing it very much.

So, in short, things have settled down a tiny bit – in any case, my mood has been better, though my sleep is still awful. But. I was flipping through my old fiction to decide on what to do, started writing a Harry Potter fic, and then realized – I still have Selfish, don't I? And I had fun with this fic, and I still want to have fun with it.

So I decided to sit down and write out the rest of it, one hundred percent, if only because I didn't want to start it up again and then put it on another hiatus. I've already made you guys suffer enough.

I'm afraid to think my writing has gotten worse and I won't be able to live up to my previous chapters, which of course, tempted me even more not to continue, but you guys deserve some closure.

Here's the rest of Selfish, please accept it as an apology. .

- - - - - - - - - - -

SELFISH

- - - - - - - - - - -

Mac Anu's colors seemed duller, now. He didn't wonder why – he didn't care. Sitting on the steps leading up to the connecting bridge over to the dome, head in his hands, he watched avatars pass by, most of them smiling. Carefree. None of them had any idea what was happening in the World, none of them had any idea of the battle they were going through, of the Avatars, of Ov-

. . .

His hands were strange, almost like plastic against his skin, and from afar he could see Gaspard watching him, eyes worried, not sure what was going on or what he should say or do or if he should do anything at all. Haseo was sure it was in his nature to be kind. Some people were just like that. Others led you on to believe they loved you and then knocked you down into the dirt.

The virtual sun beat down against his back. Rays of light cascaded past his vision. Realistic, he thought. The amount of detail they put into this game. How much was really fake, how much real? He didn't know what to believe anymore, where the lines and limits ended.

A body sat down next to his.

"Hey."

He didn't answer. Couldn't answer, he almost thought. It seemed, after what had happened, that he couldn't seem to do anything but sit on the steps and watch the people glide by. "Hey." Pai repeated, but it wasn't insistent rather than sad. "Things have been hard for you recently. I just wanted to let you know we're all by your side."

Her head turned to watch him, possibly gauging for a reaction. Haseo's face didn't change. It felt empty, blank, like the gaze of a dead man. Pai must of noticed, because her next words were softer, more gentle. "The others are concerned, but I know you need time to yourself too. Please don't think too much. Some painful things are better left buried."

I can't bury this.

Images of the past wove through his head. It seemed like ages ago, already. The questions, the answers, the touches, the kisses. The things he had let him do. Again and again he looked down at his engagement ring, again and again contemplating taking it off, throwing it away. Deleting it. But would good would erasing it do? It would just make things final, and that he couldn't stand. Final, as if this would be it, he would never find closure, never see Ovan again. Final. . .giving up.

But it already felt like he had given up.

"I worry about you, Haseo." she said. "Don't think I don't care. I support you."

He tried to nod, but his head didn't seem to want to move. Pai watched closely. After a while, she got up and left, the usual strut in her step gone. Her pink hair trailed behind her like twin waterfalls. He looked away.

Nobody else knew. They noticed, of course, his sudden withdrawal, his depression. But only Pai and Atoli had really seen the cause of it, and neither of them had told. There was no proof of it, but he knew. They weren't like that, not Pai, especially not Atoli.

We all want to live in a perfect world.

Her words hadn't completely made sense until he realized how far away a perfect world was.

(I love you

the blade, hot against his neck)

Just let me remember you.

He wondered if Ovan remembered him now. The look on his face. He wondered if Ovan had seen him fall to his knees, heard his whispered words. He wondered, but he shouldn't have wondered, because wondering jus made it more painful.

He did it anyway.

-------------------

The at-home was quiet. Death Grunty was gone. He ran his fingers along the cold-tile walls detachedly before letting the gloved tips slip noiselessly back to his sides. Then the door eased open behind him, cautiously, nervously, and he knew at once who was there.

"Haseo."

He could almost picture her, small frame, round shoulders, backdrop of white. Thin legs clad in pale stockings, delicate heels, but different eyes. Always such different eyes. Ovan always kept his eyes hidden, and Haseo had only seen behind them once, at the dress fitting. Stark, bold, but soft. Unique. But still, in the end, it was all just a game, just pixels and polygons.

"Haseo." came her voice again, pleading.

He didn't move.

"I. . ." Atoli had never sounded so strange before, such a mix of emotions, not even when fighting her in battle. "I thought about it. I thought about you, and me. . .about Ovan. And I realized, suddenly, I realized. . .this is different from anything I've ever encountered. I can't even begin to understand what you're going through, Haseo. But I can be there for you. I want to be - . . .I am your friend. So. . .please. . .lean on me."

There was the soft, contained sounds of her heels hitting the floor, approaching him. Then, a soft, gloved hand on his shoulder. Gently, with her other fingers, she combed her hands through his hair, like a mother, until he had inclined his head toward her, almost subconsciously.

"You saved me, Haseo. I want you to be happy."

But he couldn't. She wasn't his someone to lean on. That person was gone, he had betrayed him. Almost without thinking, he pushed her away, heard her soft gasp, her tiny sigh. Felt her fingers grasp his shoulders again, firmly.

"Haseo." she insisted. "We all care about you. Me, Pai, Kuhn, and Canard, and everyone else! We all want you to be happy! And I know there's not much we can do, but you taught me yourself, that friends should be there for each other!"

"What can you do." he whispered.

"I. . ." he saw her hesitation from the corner of his eye. "I think. . .the first step to healing. . .is admitting how you feel. Then you can confront it, and it's no longer shadowy. It might be scary, but. . .sometimes. . .it's the only way."

Her hands squeezed his shoulders with surprising strength, and she shook her head, blonde hair swaying.

"Please don't forget about us. We all love you very much, Haseo."

His shoulders stiffened beneath her touch.

". . .thank you." he said, and he wasn't sure why he said it, if he really meant it or if it was just to get rid of her or if it was just the good guy in him trying to make her feel better. But Atoli nodded slightly and released him, taking a half-step back. "I'll. . .leave you be, then. Take care, Haseo."

He saw the neon circles of light surround her as she warped away.

Without even realizing what he was doing, Haseo began to pull up a short message box.

The first step to healing is admitting how you feel.

The empty passage loomed ahead of him like a curse.

(I love you)

His fingers shook slightly.

(I love you)

Time passed. He wasn't sure how long, nor did he quite care. All he knew was that at some point he had written a message to Ovan.

"I love you, too."

And at another point, he pressed 'send.'

- - - - - - -

Things moved so fast in the world. Before, he had tried to keep up. Now, it was as if someone had sucked all the energy out of him, and even walking was an empty act.

When he heard that they had tracked down Ovan, he almost didn't react at all. Atoli was beside him, sitting close and talking gently, like a sister, when Pai came with the news. They all cast their gazes down to Haseo, who in turn looked down and away.

His engagement ring caught his eye, a subtle but meaningful glitter.

"I want to go alone."

"Haseo!" Atoli protested, following by Pai's soft; "Haseo, don't be selfish."

"I want to talk to him alone." Haseo repeated. He didn't know what he'd do, or say, when and if he saw him. But he knew he didn't want an audience in such a vulnerable moment.

"He's dangerous." Pai sighed. "As much as he is important to you, he's also a threat. You need backup."

"He won't hurt me." he whispered.

"You don't know that, Haseo." Atoli said weakly.

Distantly he knew he should think about the possibilities, the idea that he might, indeed, cause damage, that if he hurt him once he could definitely hurt him again, but it was hard, especially when he already felt as if he couldn't be hurt any more.

The engagement ring continued to glitter.

"I'm going alone." he said once more.

"Haseo, Master Yata wouldn't want – "

She stopped, her glasses flashing strangely, and a long moment passed, stretching on, in which she seemed to think, and think hard. At last she leaned down and whispered an area word in his ear, bracing one hand on his shoulder.

"Good luck."