I am on a role!!!!! Whoo hoo! I've finally got an idea of what the ending's going to be like, so this should wrap up in about three to five chapters. Maybe. XD So, once again, any inconsistencies with Matt ARE intentional. Please enjoy the chapter!

Warning: Mental angst, foul language, and rape

"Please, d-don't kill me! I have a family!"

BANG. Blood splattered across my shirt and the wall behind the man's head. His body fell back with a thud and twitched for a moment as I stared into those terrified eyes. Fear. That was the last thing that this man knew. Did he really have a family, or where those words a last attempt to get me to spare his life? Regardless, it didn't matter now. He was dead; I killed him.

"Hurry up, Matt," the familiar voice called to me.

Turning around to leave the body at the mercy of the vermin in the alley, I strutted back to the car Mello was leaning out of. His lips curled in amusement as I lit up a cigarette and shoved the gun into my back pocket.

"Move over," I grumbled as he continued looking up at me.

"Crawl over," he commanded with a twinkle in his eye.

Didn't he care that I just killed a man?! That guy back there was dead, fucking dead and here Mello was acting like it wasn't a big deal! Where was my Mello, the sweet innocent boy who would cry if he scraped his knee? Who are you?! Who the fuck are you?!

My eyes shot open as I jerked awake. My panting breath echoed in the room barely hiding the sound of my pounding heart. Swallowing painfully, I couldn't help but notice that my mouth was dry. Something beside me shifted making me jerk away in surprise. Looking down, I saw Mello snuggle further into my pillow and mumble something incoherent in his sleep.

Still panting I tried to get my damn mind to work. What the fuck was going on? Where was I? Pulling my legs up to my chest, I rested my head on my knees and just tried to calm down. I'm sure that everything would just make itself known if I slowed down. Breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I'm not sure how long it was before I was calmed down enough to try to think straight again. That's right, Mello and I decided to face certain death and we slipped right through the cracks. We survived and handed Near the information he needed. Now we were living in a brand new home far away from Kira and Near. We were alone with no one but each other. I…I had a job, and Mello stayed home. When I came home last night, we…

Closing my eyes, I could feel his bare skin rubbing against my own naked thigh and a soft sigh slipped past my lips. That's right; when I came home we made love. I didn't drug him up, and he didn't protest. We just did it. Chuckling to myself, I wondered why I wasn't as stupidly happy as I should have been. Wasn't this exactly what I've been wanting for so long? To touch him, taste him, love him?

Reaching a shaky hand towards my wrinkled pants, I pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. I was just disoriented from the nightmare is all. Leaning against the headboard, I puffed on the small cancer stick for a few minutes, and even dared to look down at the sleeping face of my angel. His perfect nose nuzzled with my warm hip for a moment before he lay still on the pillow. My pillow.

"What the fuck's wrong with me?" I whispered around the stub of a cigarette.

Looking at the clock, the red numbers read 3:04 AM. Well, it couldn't hurt to have another cigarette. Six cigarettes later, Mello mumbled something again before looking up at me with bleary eyes. He wrinkled his nose in disgust and coughed a little, but I ignored him. Once he realized that I wasn't getting the hint, he spoke up.

"Matt, that stinks. Can you take it outside?"

"It's my fucking house, and I'll smoke in here if I want to," I snapped back venomously.

His eyes narrowed in anger and confusion as his sleep addled mind tried to decide whether he should make this an argument or not. At the same time, I was trying to figure out why I was being so mean. I knew that Mello hated the smell of my cigarettes, so it wasn't a surprise that he asked me to take it outside. Besides, I could smoke in the kitchen and he wouldn't bitch, so what was my deal?

"Just-"

"Shut up, Mello," I sighed as I leaned my head against the headboard. "It's too early for this. Sorry."

I stamped cigarette out on the bedside dresser alongside all the other ones. There were like little toy soldiers, all standing in a row as best as they could. But you see, some were missing legs and that's why they were leaning all funny like that. The though of my cigarettes struggling to stand straight brought out a small chuckle, and I couldn't help but pull Mello close to me. My cold fingers danced along his warm back and I pressed light kisses on the top of his head. I could feel the goose bumps rise along his flesh from being touched by someone as cold as me, but I didn't want to let go. Wrapping my legs around his, I pulled us closer together and relished in the heat that I wanted to suck away from him.

"I love you Mello," I whispered against that golden hair.

"Are you ok, Matt?" he asked softly, his broken arm gingerly resting on my side.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine."

"…Alright."

Breathing in deeply I could smell the citrus shampoo and conditioner that Mello exclusively used. He always said it made his hair softer and shinier, so I made sure to buy some for this house. Let's see, I think I'll buy him some clothes next. He likes black, but I think that some color would do him good. He's been too depressed lately, and maybe a change in wardrobe would help that. Smiling to myself, I couldn't help but get excited at the prospect of pampering my little darling. Mello deserved nothing less than the best.

It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, but it wasn't that easy for me. Maybe I was scared of the nightmares, but it just wasn't easy to fall back into the nice restful sleep that I really wanted. Instead I was left to stare at the blank ceiling for a few more hours. It almost felt like I went into a trance just lying there. There was nothing but me and that whiteness, that oblivion.

"Don't you dare! Don't you fucking dare!"

"Dare what?"

"Don't show me that you're scared," he hissed.

My hands were holding the wheel in a death grip and I could practically feel the police breathing down my neck, their guns pressed against the back of my head. The doom surrounding me was suffocating, was so cold.

"Matt?"

That laugh, that horrid laugh echoed in my mind as I saw Light Yagami standing over my bleeding body.

"Did you think you could stop a god, Mail?! A god who knows your name?"

"Matt?!"

"I don't want to die," I screeched in a panic. "I don't want to die!"

Looking down at me, that hellish smile curled on his flawless lips, his eyes narrowed in contempt. This was how he looked at his fallen enemies. I was only one of many and L, oh how he looked down at L. A sharp pain stabbed through my chest. I cried out in pain as I felt that heart attack strike me with the fury of a scorned lover. It blossomed through my chest and I cried. I cried like the weakling I was.

"Matt?! Fuck are you ok?!"

Realization dawned on me slowly, like syrup dripping down the edge of the bottle. Mello, he was shaking me and yelling some kind of nonsense. Was I even breathing? It took me a moment to realize that I wasn't.

"Fuck, shut up!" I yelled in a panic as I pushed him off of me. Taking deep breaths, I looked over at Mello to see him pale and breathing harshly. Those beautiful eyes were wide and he held a hand over his heart as if he felt the heart attack too.

"Matt-"

"Damn it, don't you understand when to fucking shut up!" I snapped as I grabbed his thin shoulders and gave a firm shake. "I'm fine, just fucking fine!"

Shoving him onto the bed, I hopped off the mattress and headed towards the bathroom. I could still feel that pain in my chest and it terrified me. Could Kira get me from beyond the grave? Splashing my face with cold water, I forced myself to calm down. That was just a dream, he couldn't hurt me now. Swallowing hard I looked up into the mirror and stared at my own reflection. Wait…was this real? What if Kira killing me was real and all this was hell?!

Punching the mirror, I winced more at the loud sound than the pain. Grabbing a piece of the broken glass, I dug it into my arm, right next to the faint cross left from my last self-mutilation. Hissing in pain, I pushed it deeper until I was absolutely certain that this was reality. Dropping the bloody shard of glass, I sat heavily on the toilet seat and sobbed. That happened over a month ago now, so why was I still freaking out over it? I hated feeling so worthless!

When I finally calmed down, I wrapped a towel around my arm and opened the door. I needed some food before I headed off to work. Just the idea of going somewhere else gave me a sense of relief. I didn't have to sit here waiting for those images to haunt me. Yeah, doing mind-numbing work sounded a hell of a lot better.

Seeing the empty room, I was startled when I heard a voice near my feet. "Please, Mattie," Mello begged.

Jumping away in surprise, I clenched my chest painfully and tried desperately to calm my breathing down. Fuck, I had just managed to calm myself down, and he had to fucking scare me!

"Just leave me alone!"

Tears rolled down his still bruised cheeks as I turned on my heel and went to the living room. Grabbing some spare clothes lying around, I bit back the pain and dressed quickly. Some gauze and tape held back the flow of blood from my arm, and my goggles hid my swollen, blood-shot eyes. The cold wind welcomed me with its open arms and I stomped off in an attempt to forget.

~_~_~_~_~_

"Matt, I need to go to church."

Looking up from my game I saw Mello leaning against the door frame. His red-rimmed eyes focused on the floor at his feet and his good arm was wrapped loosely around his waist. I was gone for two days before I came back. The shop owner of the repair place I worked for let me stay in his office, so I just sat there. But the nightmares haunted me even there. I wasn't safe anywhere.

Focusing back on my game, I shook my head. "You can't, your face is still bruised."

"It's Sunday, and I need to go to mass."

"You've already missed a bunch of masses, so just miss a few more until those marks go away." Damn, Samus was dying.

"Please, Matt. I really need to go." There was a near desperate sound to his voice and I didn't like that one bit. What was so important that he couldn't stay here?

"What, do you need to go suck off some priest so you can go to heaven?" I snapped back. "Just sit down. Give it another week or two, and then you can go."

"And what if you hit me again?" he hissed. "Then I won't be able to go again!"

"So? It's not like it's that big of a deal. It's all for show anyway."

"Mail Jeevas you know that's not true," he forced through clenched teeth. Now he was positively fuming. "Just because you don't bother to worry about your soul doesn't mean that I don't!"

"If that were true, you wouldn't let me fuck you," I shot back. "You can't just pick and choose what parts of religion you want to listen to, babe. It's all or you're better off not doing any of it."

"Why do you have to make this so fucking difficult?"

"Give. It. A. Week."

Biting his lip, he turned around and stomped off to our bedroom. The door slammed and I heard a few things break, but that didn't matter. I could always buy new stuff. But seriously, Samus was dying and I where was my damn bomb skill when I needed it?

Wait, I bought Mello some new clothes on my way back and forgot to give them to him. Maybe he would quit being so pissy if I gave them to him now? Nah, I doubted that, but at least he wouldn't have to walk around so uncomfortably. Of course, it wasn't my money that bought the clothes, but that didn't matter. Nope, the clothes were a courtesy from our most wonderful President of the United States. Yeah, I hacked his account every once in a while too.

"Mello, come out here for a sec!" I called out, fully expecting him to come out with a few things to throw my way. "I got you something!"

Although he didn't bring anything to throw at me, he came out still fuming. "What?" he snapped.

I motioned to the bags on the couch. "Those are yours. Try 'em on and let me know what you like so I can get you some more."

"…"

"Don't worry; I'll even buy you some fucking church clothes if you want me to."

"Piss off," he retorted as he struggled to carry the bags back into the bedroom. Guess he was feeling a little shy and didn't want to test out the clothes in front of me. Sheesh, it's not like I'm going to rape him in the middle of trying on some clothes. I had a little more class than that.

~_~_~_~_~_

"Hey, Mello, let's have sex."

His head shot up and stared at me in shock. This was the first time I've ever gone about asking for it bluntly, but he didn't need to look so fucking surprised. It seemed like there was a hint of fear under that shock and that bothered me. When have I ever fucking forced him?! Never. I never made him do anything he didn't want to do, so he had no right to look at me that way.

"R-right now? Matt, I-"

"You really know how to piss me off, don't you?" I growled as I grabbed his good arm. It's been a few days since I've had any sexual activities and my patience had worn thin. Jerking off wasn't working anymore, and the way that those new pants hugged his legs was getting unbearable.

"Stop, I can't," he pleaded as he tried to pull away from my grip.

"I've never done anything to hurt you! What the fuck is your problem? You too busy jerking off to your sweet priest? Did he promise you nice things? Maybe it was a ticket to heaven if he had a piece of your ass."

"No! Matt, what are you talking about?! I don't even know the priest in this city!"

"Then why were you so freakin' eager to go to church the other day?!"

"I needed to pray!" he shouted back. "I need to pray!"

"You know what? You can just pray to your god on the bed!"

Dragging him to the bed, I threw him on. It didn't matter if I hurt him now, nothing mattered. I felt that pain in my chest, the phantom of that heart attack and it spurred me on. I needed to feel that oblivion, I needed it to wash away all the fucking pain and fears. It was kind of strange how everything that happened seemed to brush past me. It was like watching a movie as I forced Mello's clothes off and hit him as he tried to fight me off. He kicked and scratched, but I knew his weakness and attacked it like the prey I was.

A shriek of agony echoed in the room, and it wasn't the last of its kind. No, I flipped him over and shoved myself into him. Groaning, I couldn't help but feel the heat and the blood, the hot blood. Again and again, I pushed in deeper and deeper until it was physically impossible to go any deeper. He tore around my swollen flesh, but it didn't seem real. This was all just some weird video game I was playing. All I had to do was finish the level and then I could hold Mello and tell him how much I loved him.

Fuck, the sweat that rolled down his back and down my thighs, the blood that seeped down his trembling legs, the tears that blurred my vision. I could feel it now, just out of reach. That whiteness and complete nothingness that would swallow me for a few precious seconds. I wanted that far more than I wanted anything else.

"You're not scared!"

"I'm n-not scared! Oh gods, Mello, not scared!"

"I'm not fucking scared!" I screamed as I thrusted into him one more time. The tension unfurled in my groin and my mouth parted for a soundless scream. There it was, only for me. Emptiness, sweet perfect emptiness.

This time, I let the oblivion carry me away. The blankness of my mind was far sweeter than the drugs I was pumping into my body and for that special moment I felt like I didn't have to keep trying. No fear, no pain, no memories or dreams. It was rest.

Time just slipped past. I couldn't tell if it had been seconds, minutes, or even hours. All I knew was that it felt like I was waking up from a dream. Taking a nice deep breath, I realized that my hands were clenched tightly around something and there were muffled sounds in my ears. Opening my eyes slowly, it took me another few seconds to register what it was my hands were clenching.

Mello. Oh gods, I was smothering him! My hands were wrapped tightly around his neck, shoving his face deep into the pillow. He was flailing uselessly against my iron hands and for a moment it seemed like even I couldn't stop myself. But I did, I forced myself to. Gaping in horror, I released his neck and his head shot up gasping and sobbing. What the hell was I doing?!

"Shit, babe, are you ok?" I cried as I pulled him up against my chest. I was no longer inside of him, but I could feel my seed spilling from his torn body. "I didn't mean to, I love you so much, gods, Mello!"

He continued to shake in my arms like a brittle leaf, and I just held him tightly. I didn't want to lose him, to let go, so I didn't. Kisses rained over his neck and cheek, but he refused to look at me. It was ok though, I did something wrong.

"Hey, shhhh, I'm really sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

"Did you think you could fool a god who knows your names?"

So, this is the first time in this story that I've made use of those horizontal lines. What did you guys think? I actually really like this chapter and I'm proud of how clear Matt's decent into his suffering is. My only concern is that Mello might be a bit too docile, but the easiest way to explain that is that he's tired. He's had to keep up his strong facade and had to push so hard for so long. It's hard for anyone to keep that up, and in his condition it would be near impossible. He's suffering from the trauma just as much as Matt is, but in a different way. That'll become evident real soon!

So, thanks for all the reviews! Please review this round too and I'll try to keep up with the crazy updating pace.