Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

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To my special girl,

Penelope I know you are 18 while I write this and I realise that you are off at college and excelling in what you are good at but I want you to realise that I am proud of you. As I have sat and watched you grow up in a world that has not graced you with the happiness you deserved I have realised that I have not been the mother I should have been.

There are so many flaws in what I have and haven't done. I could've stopped your stepfather and brothers bullying you but I didn't look closely. I didn't want to look into your life, it was your life after all, but I kick myself now that after all this time I pry and read your diary. I should have spoken to you but I found your diary in the bin and began to read, some of the things in it were heartbreaking to read, how you hate me for not looking and I have to agree I hate myself. The upmost job I was supposed to do as a mother to a daughter like you was to protect you and cherish you but I didn't, I kept the jobs going and went away too often. I left you with them, now I understand why at times you cried hard when I left, why you wished you were back with grandma and grandpa or you wished to be back in San Diego with Derek. Yes I remember his name, I remember the way he brightened your day and that smile, the smile that made me smile. I wish you still had him around to confide in to make you smile like you used to. Penelope I wish for so many things for you I wish that I could turn back the time and have the opportunity to make things better. These are all dreams but I vow to myself that I will make it better, I will cherish you more, I will notice when something is wrong. I will appreciate your talent of dance combined with your love of computers. As weird as it sounds I love the fact that you love two completely different things, even if one is taking you to college. I don't care. Just never stop dancing.

Love your mom

7th June 1995

She wiped the tears off her face. 'Baby girl?'

'Yeah?'

'I never realised.'

'There wasn't anything to realise, I never brought it up.'

'What happened? When did she change?'

'Slowly. After San Diego. If she wasn't working then she was going away to friends or family.'

'What did your stepdad and brothers do?'

'Told me I was worthless, that I would never amount to something, just stuff like that. My stepdad used to hit me for getting things wrong when they were blatantly right. They all changed after San Diego. I knew my mom and stepdad had a fight but never made the links until later on. I just lived with it.' She looked at the note again and cried more. 'The date.'

'What about it?'

'It's the day before they died.'

He took her in arms and hugged her tightly. 'Baby girl I'm so sorry, really I am. I'm sorry you had to lose them.'

She sobbed hard into his shoulder before feeling like she had done enough crying. 'I need to stop these tears.'

'If you need to then do it just do it. I'll stick around.'

'Thanks. It's just I've leant too much today, it's a little overwhelming. All this coming to light.'

'I get that.'

'But you my chocolate Adonis were even remembered by my mother. Regardless of what else she missed she still realised what you did to me and what you gave me.'

'She's right you know. I wish I had been around for you to confide in.'

'I have you now and have had for 5 years.' She smiled happily at him. 'Now let's see what else we have here.' She took the other papers and saw pages from her diaries, photos she had long forgotten and the photo of her and Derek. 'Well handsome it looks like I have my own version now.' She said looking intently at the picture once again. 'I still can't believe this!'

'Well you better had baby girl because this is really happening for both of us.'

'I know and its so crazy I love it.' She said as she flipped through the pages, poems, pictures, diary entries.

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

Another poem.

I love the way you look at me,
Your eyes so bright and brown.
I love the way you kiss me,
Your lips so soft and smooth.

I love the way you make me so happy,
And the ways you show you care.
I love the way you say, "I Love You,"
And the way you're always there.

I love the way you touch me,
Always sending chills down my spine.
I love that you are with me,
And glad that you are mine.

'I've actually re written this since but with you in mind. I never quite know where I got the words from but they came naturally when I thought of you. Now I know.' She blushed and looked down.

'Hey look at me. You have nothing to look away for. I think they are beautiful baby girl.'

I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.

'I remember writing this during San Diego, every word of it true.'

'Baby girl you always seem to amaze me.'

'Why?'

'Everything about you amazes you.'

She blushed more and then laughed as she pulled the next one out. 'Now this is appropriate for what I feel.'

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a play,
Love is what I feel for you,
Each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is like a song,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart,
My body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving,
Like a love I can't control,
So remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And I have poured my entire soul into you,
Right from the very start.

They lay reading the endless amount of poems, and the more she read the more she realised they had come from her thoughts of Derek, of what he had given her, what he had meant to her for that short time, what she felt for him as she grew up and how she wished she could meet him again, to see his smile, feel his hugs that he had given her when he had found her crying. She also realised that everything she wanted to know she knew, she had him back.

'I just can't believe she kept them all.'

'Well she obviously felt you would need them one day.'

'I guess she was right. I don't want to read the journals not for a while. I don't want to read what she felt, I've read enough and leant enough for my liking. I don't want to relive the past through her eyes. I'm going to send them back to my brother tomorrow.'

'Are you absolutely sure?'

'Yes, if I want to read them I'll get them back but right now I have everything I need. I have you handsome.' She placed a hand on his face and smiled.

'P. I love you.'

'I love you too handsome so much.'

'So you won't mind us spending the weekend together?'

'I'll even let you share my bed.' She smiled teasingly.

'Oh really?'

'Really.' She giggled. 'Thank you for doing this with me, I appreciate it.'

'Anytime baby girl. How about we start that weekend?'