"NO!" Ebony screamed. I observed her under Potter's invisibility cloak, which I snatched from him. She was horrified! Granger tried to comfort her but Ebony told her go away and she ran to her room crying herself. Imposer Dumbledore chased after her shouting but he had to stop when she went into her room. She called him a pervert.

I stood outside Ebony's window and observed her crying tears of blood and slitting both of her wrists. Crabbe had provided me with a muggle device called a video camera. I did not have the skills to operate it, and even if I did, it would be useless because magic stops muggle technology from functioning at Hogwarts. Pieces of her wrists got all over her clothes so she took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while she put on a Linkin Park song, which I hated, at full volume. She grabbed a steak--well done or rare, I could not tell--and almost stuck it into her heart to commit suicide. She got out of the bathtub and put on a dress, high heel shoes, and ear jewellery. She looked out the window and screamed…I was spying on her, holding a camera! And Goyle, in the body of "Loopin" (that's how he spelled it on his name tag), was masticating (i.e. chewing)! We were sitting on our broomsticks.

"Ew, you pervs, stop looking at me naked! Are you pedos or what!" she screamed, putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason (whoever that may be. It's not Marilyn Manson, the muggle musician, though) on it over her dress. Suddenly Potter ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Goyle and I, pointing his womb. Where he had acquired this feminine part of anatomy, I have no idea. Ebony took her gun, which didn't work, and tried to shoot us a gazillion times. Goyle started screaming and my camera broke. Suddenly, Crabbe, in Dumbledore's body, ran in.

"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NO!" he shouted, looking at Crabbe and I. Then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid, who used to be called Hagrid, ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" Ebony yelled.

"I may be a Hogwarts student…." Hargrid paused angrily. "But I am also a Satanist!"

"This cannot be." I said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from my hand where Crabbe's wand had shot me. "There must be other factors."

"You don't have any!" she yelled in madly.

Goyle held up the camera like a triumphant elephant. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" Oh my goodness, Goyle knows how to operate this muggle device!

"Why are you doing this?" Goyle said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his cloak.

"Because…because…" Hargrid said and he paused in the air dramatically, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent, a muggle rapper.

"Because you're gothic?" I asked in a little voice, having no idea why everyone is spewing such random words.

"Because I love her!" yelled Hargrid. Once again, I am off the hook.

Anyway Ebony was in the school nurse's office now recovering from her slit wrists. Goyle and I, who appeared as Loopin and Snape, were there. Hahrid, who has apparently went under another name change, was there too. Ebony told us we were going to St. Mango's Land of Sainted Fruits after we recovered because we were pedophiles, as Ebony noted, and she doesn't want such people teaching in a school that has "lots of hot girls." Crabbe, as Dumbledore, said the "cideo camera" was constipated. Ebony put up her middle finger at us.

Anyway Hargrid came into her hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell you something." he said in a very serious voice, giving her the roses. Who is Enoby? I know of an Ebony but no Enoby.

"Go away." she told him. "You know I hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like preps like you." she snapped.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goths too you poser prep?" she asked angrily.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily.

"No you didn't I replied. You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being viewed by Snap and Loopin." I had impersonated Snape, not that little guy on the cereal box!

"Who mastabated to it," Hargrid mouthed silently.

"Whatever!" she yelled angrily.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered, "well If you wanted honesty that's all you had to say!"

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." she corrected him.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cords." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio imo noto okayo!" And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black, by the way.

"OK I believe you now what the f--k is Drako?" I have no idea; my name is Draco.

Hairgrid (yet another name change) rolled his eyes. She looked into the balls of flame.

"You see, Enobby," (who's that?) Dumblydore (who's that?) said, watching the two of them watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes--"

A disembodied voice yells, "haha, you reviewers' flames, get it?"

"--u mst find urslf 1st, k?" I'm surprised at this Dumblydore's inability to pronounce vowels.

"I have found myself ok you mean old man!" Hargrid yelled. Dumbledore looked shocked.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway I went into McGonagall's classroom and told her I was there to teach Hair of Magical Magic Creatures class with her. Ebony arrived in the classroom.

"Hi." Potter said to Ebony in a depressed way.

"Hi back." Ebony said in an equally said way. They both looked at each other for some time. Then…they jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

"Stop it now you horny simpletons!" shouted Professor McGoggle (what McGonagall calls herself when she puts her goggles on) who was watching them and so was everyone else.

"Vampire!" she said, slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" she shouted and then she ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! No! My scar hurts!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites, which would be quite accurately described as "pinks."

"NO!" she ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" she shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. Diabolo, the muggle juggling toy? "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…Volfemort has him bondage!" Who is Volfemort?