Chapter 7 – Can't Take the Pain
Luke walked onto the Haunted Star to find Johnny standing by the piano. He watched him run his hands lightly over the keys, but not pushing any down. Johnny seemed to be lost in thought and Luke couldn't help but wonder what he was doing there. After everything Lulu had told him about their breakup and all of the promises of pain Luke had made to Johnny should he ever hurt her, the haunted star was the last place Luke expected to find Johnny.
"What brings you to the Haunted Star, John?" Luke asked stirring Johnny from his thoughts.
"Huh? Oh, hello Luke. I came by to get the list of names of the men you played poker with that night that kidnapped you," Johnny replied.
"Why would you need that? It doesn't concern you," Luke said.
"Actually it does. See your daughter is in the hospital because by helping rescue you, she put them on her trail and ended up shot," Johnny said angrily.
"Like I said, it doesn't concern you. Lulu no longer concerns you. Unless you somehow convinced her to give you another chance," Luke countered.
"It's obvious she doesn't concern you either. If you have to know, she hasn't given me another chance and I didn't ask for one. But she is pregnant with my child. That means, she concerns me. That means I need the list of names, so I can take care of the mess you made and remove Lulu and my child from danger," Johnny said, his voice rising with every word.
"Are you trying to suggest that I am to blame for this? I didn't ask her to come after me and I didn't pull the trigger of the gun that shot her," Luke said.
"You're right. I guess you just expected Lulu to do what you've done to her for her entire life. Ignore you and not help when you were in trouble," Johnny scoffed.
"If you want to say something to me, John, just say it," Luke demanded.
"I don't want to say anything, Luke. I just want you to give me the list, so I can take care of the threat and move on," Johnny said calmly.
"Move on? What exactly do you mean by that?" Luke asked, calming as well.
"Lulu thinks it would be best if I'm not involved in raising our child. So, once I know she's safe from this threat, I am going to leave town. I don't want to be a reminder of a mistake to Lulu any time we happen to run into each other," Johnny answered.
"And you're just going to accept that? Not being there for the birth or first bike ride. First day of kindergarten or graduation. Do you think that you can live with that?" Luke asked.
"You make it look easy," Johnny said snidely and then took a deep breath. "It's not what I want. But it is my own fault and I'm going to take responsibility for my mistakes. Lulu's happiness is the most important thing to me and she deserves to have me do one thing to make her happy."
Luke looked at Johnny and saw the heartbreak in his eyes. He had made mistakes with Lulu, but the regret was obvious. Now he was going to be shut out of his child's life and wasn't even going to fight it.
"Sometimes my daughter doesn't know what will make her happy until she's lost it. I doubt she would want her son or daughter growing up the way she did. That's a mistake that I do take responsibility for. Even if I don't always show it," Luke said.
Johnny shook his head and softly said, "She made it pretty clear to me what she wanted. Twice now, actually. I just need that list if you don't mind."
Luke gave Johnny the list of names and watched him leave the Haunted Star. It was probably wrong of him to feel sympathy for the man who had hurt his daughter, but Luke did. Lulu had clearly broken Johnny and Luke wondered if she even knew it. If she realized the damage she had done and was doing by keeping Johnny from his baby.
He quickly got his opportunity to ask her, when she ambled onto the Haunted Star.
"Cupcake, you're glowing," Luke said as Lulu approached him.
"Who told you? I wanted to be the one who broke the news," Lulu said.
"John told me when he was here earlier," Luke replied.
"Why would Johnny come here? And why would he tell you about the baby? That wasn't his news to tell," Lulu questioned.
"He is the father, Lulu. I think he has every right to tell whoever he wants. But still, he didn't tell me just to tell me. He wanted to take care of my problem with the men I played poker with. I told him it wasn't his business and he informed me it was. Once I knew about the baby, I gave him the information he wanted and he left," Luke explained.
"What's he going to do? Is it dangerous?" Lulu asked nervously.
"He didn't say and I didn't ask. The only thing we talked about was him not being involved in the baby's life. Something you requested, I understand," Luke responded.
"Yes. I know it may seem like the wrong thing to do, but it's better for my child this way," Lulu said defensively.
"Gumdrop, I'm not one to give advice," Luke started. "That's your mother and I know she probably gave you some while she was here, but I will say one thing. If you don't know it's the right thing to do, then don't do it. Take some more time to think about it. Know you're doing the right thing."
Johnny had packed all of his things and was on his way to Sonny's to tell Claudia goodbye before he left. He didn't know where he was going, but he was hoping that he was finally doing something right. He had never done it before, even when he tried, and this one time he wanted to make a good decision.
He parked his car and entered the house and waited for Claudia in the living room. His mind wandered to the time Lulu had brought him to the house to prove to him that Sonny wasn't a bad guy. She had been proven wrong and he had kissed her before pushing her away yet again. At the time he had justified the mixed signals by telling himself he didn't want to have any regrets. But now he knew that wasn't true. He may have pushed her away to keep her safe, but he kissed her to keep her near. Even then he couldn't imagine his life without her and that was still true.
Claudia coming down the stairs shook him out of his thoughts.
"What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" Claudia asked.
"I need a favor. I need you to pay off these guys on this list. Give them as much as they ask for, but make sure they take it and leave. Once they get the money, they have no reason to show their faces in Port Charles again and I need you to let them know the misfortune that would come their way if they do," Johnny said.
"Sure, John, anything for you. But who are they and why do you need to pay them off?" Claudia questioned.
"These are the men responsible for shooting Lulu. I can't be sure if one of them pulled the trigger or not, but they did it in response to Luke cheating them at cards. I had Spinelli get me as much information as he could and then I got the names from Luke. I need to take care of this to keep Lulu and...to keep Lulu safe," Johnny said, stopping himself from mentioning the baby.
Johnny could tell Claudia hadn't missed the slip and he quickly tried to cover by giving her the rest of his news.
"Claudia, there is something else," Johnny started. "I'm leaving town. I...I talked to Lulu and...she didn't want...Lulu doesn't want to try again. She doesn't want me in her life and I'm going to respect that. I don't want to hang around town and be a constant reminder of her pain and I don't know if I could take seeing her everyday. Especially when..." Johnny trailed off, again trying to keep the news of the baby from Claudia.
"When what, John?" Claudia asked.
"When she moves on with someone else," Johnny covered.
"I don't know what it is you're hiding or why you think you need to hide it from me, but I think if you're going to leave that you should at least have the decency to be honest about why you are leaving," Claudia said softly.
"Lulu's pregnant. She doesn't want me and I think maybe I could handle that, but she also doesn't want me to be a father to my child. That I can't take. I can't sit around town and watch her stomach grow. See her pushing a stroller through the park or being surrounded by people cooing over my child while I have nothing to do with my son or daughter," Johnny explained.
"She really is pregnant?" Claudia said laughing to herself. Catching the look that Johnny gave her she quickly explained.
"I'm glad you helped her. I want you to keep doing that, please. If Lulu needs anything, you give it to her. For me. I love her and that won't change. No matter how many miles I put between us. Please?" Johnny begged.
He exhaled when Claudia nodded her head. Claudia wanted to know where he was going, but Johnny wouldn't tell her. He wasn't completely sure himself, but he wouldn't have told her even if he did. He promised to call soon to let her know he was safe. He hugged her goodbye and walked to his car.
Sitting in the car he looked to the passenger seat and imagined that Lulu was with him. He imagined that they were finally running away and leaving everything behind. He closed his eyes and he could almost feel her take his hand the way she always did when they were driving. He opened his eyes and reality rushed over him.
She wasn't there. He was alone. He couldn't help but to find it fitting. He was getting exactly what he thought he deserved.
Lulu had been driving all day. A habit she had developed from Johnny no doubt. After both of her parents had basically told her to give Johnny another chance and her heart wanting the same thing, she needed to take the time to figure out if it really was the right thing to do. Could she risk her heart again? Would he break it if she did? After everything she had been through she wanted a moment of peace, but she didn't have the time. She needed to figure out what was best for her and the baby.
Lulu knew that she wanted a life with Johnny. She wanted to see him hold his child. That's why she couldn't get that image out of her head. Johnny holding their baby by her bedside. Maybe that was her head approving what her heart wanted.
She knew what she wanted and she quickly turned her car around so she could go get it. She knew Claudia could tell her where Johnny was. Johnny. That's what she wanted. Risks, heartbreaks and all else aside. She wanted Johnny and now that she knew it, her car couldn't get her to him fast enough.
She ran into Sonny's house and Claudia stared at her wide-eyed while Lulu caught her breath.
"I need...to talk..to Johnny," Lulu gasped.
"He's not here. He's gone," Claudia stated simply.
"Gone? Gone where? For how long?" Lulu asked.
"Forever. You wanted him gone, so he's gone. He left and he's not looking back. He told me that's what you wanted and he wanted nothing more than to make you happy," Claudia explained.
Gone. How could Johnny be gone? The thought refused to sink in to Lulu's mind. After finally discovering what she wanted and going after it, Lulu's dreams were again being crushed.
"I did tell him that. I was confused and I said things I shouldn't have. But I know now that I was wrong. I can't believe he left so soon. I thought he loved me. But obviously not, at least not enough to fight for me," Lulu said, feeling sorry for herself.
"Excuse me? You can't honestly think that Johnny doesn't love you more than anything. Have you forgotten what happened after you killed Logan? How Johnny took the blame and refused to implicate you? How he faced the death penalty while you remained safe? How close he was to a lethal injection because of your mistake and all the while he only focused on your recovery?" Claudia yelled.
"No. I will never forget what Johnny did for me. How could you ask me that?" Lulu said, taken aback by Claudia's words.
"I needed to make sure that you remembered. I needed to make sure that you were still grateful. Now I need to make sure that you realize that the only reason Johnny left is because he was trying to make you happy. He blames himself for everything that went wrong between you two. Maybe he should, I don't know all of the details. What I do know is he refused to fight for you because you asked him not to," Claudia explained.
Lulu knew Claudia was telling the truth. Taking the time to figure things out had cost her. Johnny was gone and Lulu had no idea how to find him.
"Do you know where he went? I know I don't deserve to have you tell me, but I want to find him and tell him I was wrong. That I want him to be a..." Lulu trailed off realizing what she was saying.
"It's okay, Lulu. I know about the baby. For the baby's sake, if I knew where he was, I would tell you. For John's sake too. As much as I used to hate you, I realize now that you were the best thing that ever happened to him. But I don't know where he is. He said he didn't even know, but I doubt he would have told me anyway," Claudia said.
Lulu thanked Claudia and slowly walked out of the house. Johnny was gone. Forever, Claudia had said. The man she loved and who loved her back. The man that was the father of her child and that she was supposed to raise a family with. The man that was her soul mate.
Gone.
A simple four letter word had never affected Lulu so much.