OHEMGEE YOU GUISE, WE TOTALLY FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING LAST TIME! We forgot to mention that this is like…our first fic EVAR and we suck at writing but omgz we hope you'll read anyway?
We'd also like to add that we do not condone crying over BD spoilers. Only laughing is permissible at this point. And reading parodies of fanfiction. That's acceptable too, but it is a bit of a stretch.
--
Later that week when Bella came home to her elaborate apartment that you recall she shares with her BFFs Rose and Alice, said BFFs were waiting to ambush her with a storm of unwanted and highly protested make-up.
"BELLA!" Alice squealed the moment she walked in. You may know what Alice looks like already, but don't worry if you can't remember every detail, because we're going to tell you again! Alice is very short and seems to have the tendency to act as if she has just snorted a whole lot of crack, but we're just going to chalk that up to too much caffeine. When describing Alice, the word pixie is often used and abused over and over, so don't worry we will be following suit. It is not merely enough to say she appeared pixie-like once. Oh no, reader, we would never slight you of our descriptive prowess in that way! We will use it in conjunction with Alice every chance we get.
Now that we've got some preliminaries out the way for Alice, let's move into another long descriptive passage to describe Bella's other BFF, Rose. Basically, Rose is every man's secret fantasy of the perfect woman. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, perfect body...oh and apparently she's an ice cold bitch, too. Who would have guessed with looks like that? But don't worry too much, reader! Bella and Rose are BFFs if you recall and Rose directs most of her bitchiness toward the male population because apparently she is an obvious man-hater.
Now, as we're sure you're quite anxious and totally on the edge of your seat, let's get back to the story. If you recall, Alice has just screeched out Bella's name at the top of her lungs.
"We have to get you ready! OH MY GOD, we're going to go to the new club in town tonight and you're coming with us even though we both know you hate clubs!!" Alice continued in a high pitch, jumping up and down as all grown women do when encouraging friends to spend a night out on the town with them.
"Yeah, Bella, come on! We're going to play dress up with you know even though, once again, we know you hate it! We're even going to make you squeeze yourself into the skankiest dress we could find even if it makes you uncomfortable because that's what good friends do!!" Rose chimed in enthusiastically and grabbed Bella forcefully. Alice and Rose both clamped onto Bella's arms, ignoring their friend's blatant cries for mercy, and then threw her into their make-up chair to get her ready for the night.
Oh, let's just skip the makeover chitchat. The only important point to get out of this is how Bella looks when her BFFs are done drowning her in powder and sticky gloss.
"OHMYGOD BELLA," Alice shrieked. "You look hot, you obviously would get nowhere in this world without our help!"
Bella cringed as she looked at herself in the mirror. She hated when Alice and
Rose did this to her. It was another instance where her bubble was invaded and gosh, she was just Bella! She was nothing special, at all. However, Bella was also completely selfless, so she wouldn't steal the joy of glamming her up from them. Her friends could probably beg to drive a truck over her and she'd let them.
Rose sat down on the chair next to Bella and smirked. "That really, really, really tight and tiny black dress is going to do wonders to those curves of yours."
Because, remember readers? Bella is extremely uncomfortable bringing any sorts of attention to her body; just forget about those tight jeans she always wears. It's not her fault, really.
The next thing our poor heroine knows, she being squeezed into a dress that well...let's just say it doesn't cover much. In fact, let's go so far as to say Bella looks a bit like a two-bit hooker in it. (We would say that we have a picture on our profile, but unfortunately we haven't put that much effort into this. But you know that, in spirit, there's totally a picture there.)
Now after Alice and Rose push Bella into slutty clothes and way too much make-up, they of course immediately set off for the club of their choosing: Club Sparkle. We're not quite sure how they arrive at the club, but that's not important, what's important is that Bella and her two BFFs arrive at the club and are immediately ogled by every guy in the place. Because, as you should have grasped by now, dearest reader, all three of these girls are mind-blowingly gorgeous even though Bella is still a bit socially awkward.
The three BFFs grab a table, because don't you know that's always the first thing you do when you go to a club and then Alice proceeds to order some unidentifiable alcohol that will get them all very, very drunk. Bella protests and doesn't want to drink the unidentifiable alcohol but her two darling and very considerate friends all but force it down her gullet. That's what real friends are for, after all.
After one shot of the unidentifiable alcohol, Bella is already very woozy but we'll only mention that in passing because really, if she was as drunk as we claim she is, she wouldn't even be able to stand up, let alone dance which is what she will be doing now.
Why dance? Well, besides the fact that she's at a club, as you well remember, I'm sure, reader, at that very moment a very sleazy looking man came up to ask her to dance with him. Bella agrees as she is quite tipsy from the unidentifiable alcohol her friends gave her and makes her way out to the dance floor where she begins dancing with said sleazy guy.
Let's begin by describing this sleazy man to you. It won't be that hard, or that long, honest. The sleaze is a blonde. Did you figure out who it is already? No? Because we can build up to the moment where he introduces himself and Bella realizes the man she is dancing with is actually her long lost admirer from high school. And then we can wait as you all gasp in shock and call us clever for our intelligent and oh so original way of bringing, that's right, Mike Newton into this tragically original plot.
Aha, we bet you didn't think it would be him, are we right?
"Mike?" Bella slurs out, in this sort of aghast and slightly horrified way that leads Mike to believe that she is actually really into him. Because as you know, some guys just never, ever move on from crushes. Absolutely not.
Mike decides now is the best time to start grinding into this awkward but hot girl that he has loved forever and knows she has secretly always loved him too, despite the fact that she...oh, you understand. She's too good for blue eyed blondes. Duh.
"Bella, it's been so long," he says through the dancing he is sure is making Bella want him more and more.
But the sad fact is that it is not making Bella want him more and more, in fact it's causing her to feel a bit ill. However, as we've mentioned before, Bella is essentially a selfless character so she keeps letting Mike grind on her inappropriately until we decide to throw a real wrench into Mike's plan.
You see, readers, just as Mike is doing his best impression of dancing with Bella, who is coincidentally for her clumsiness surprisingly an amazing dancer, the most unlikely person ever walks into the club and immediately sees our damsel in distress. Why, reader, we are shocked you haven't already guessed who this unlikely person is! But it's okay, this is a tragically original plot after all.
Let us enlighten you then. The man who walked in the door and immediately spotted Bella was none other than Edward Cullen, man-whore extraordinaire and apparently, Bella's knight in slightly tarnished (and un-virtuous) armor.
"Bella!" Edward yelled in anger and immediately yanked Mike Newton off of her and threw him down to the floor with his super big muscles because if you recall, reader, Edward is quite the jock so he can totally throw a grown man to the floor with little to no effort, don't worry.
From the floor Mike groans but doesn't stand back up because Edward pretty much pwned him. Unfortunately, Bella was not impressed.
"Why did you do that?!" Bella screamed. (You'll excuse us if we conveniently forget that she was slurring her words a few minutes ago.)
"Because he was practically molesting you," Edward replied, with a roll of his eyes.
"Yeah...well, I still hate you," Bella shot back childishly and as we're sure you have already anticipated, she stuck her tongue out at him.
"Wouldn't have it any other way," Edward said, oozing his usual dazzling charm but Bella was still sadly immune to his dazzles. But never fear, reader, soon she'll see the light and possibly even be blinded by his dazzle! "Can I buy you a drink anyway?"
"OH MY GOD," a tiny (but very high) shriek comes from behind Bella before she is able to make her well-timed comeback. "Of course you can buy Bella a drink, oh my God."
Curses to that tiny pixie, Bella fumes to herself. Guys, remember, you have to always refer to Alice as a pixie at least one time per day. At least.
Bella turns around to send her BFF a glare, but Alice just practically bounces over to the bar and leaps onto the stool. Should we mention she did this really gracefully? Like a ballerina? Only, a lot better.
For some reason, Bella does not argue with her friend or try to tell Edward that she doesn't want a drink from him. Why would she do a thing like that anyway? We don't know, nor do we care. We need to get this plot rolling and what better way to do that than to fill Bella with alcohol which again, we refuse to identify.
After a few drinks, Bella finally noticed the absence of her other BFF, Rose, and asked Alice about it.
"Where's Rose?" Bella asked, seemingly free of any drunken impulses so far. They only pop up when it's convenient after all.
"You know...now that I think about it, she went off to dance with some huge body builder type and never came back. I should go look for her," Alice mused and hopped off her stool quickly before Bella could fully process that she was being left alone with the bane of her existence, Edward Cullen.
It did not escape Edward's notice, however, and he finally saw his chance to convince Bella that he really was as dazzling as all the other girls said.
"Bella, I think you're really beautiful, you know," Edward told her sexily, his hair falling into his eyes creating the perfect image of sex on legs, of course. We would say Bella never stood a chance, but Bella seemed to have an unnatural fortitude against his charms.
As we've told you before, reader, Bella is secretly beautiful but there is absolutely no way she'd ever believe it if anyone told her. That would be preposterous, for the main character to actually believe she was beautiful, after all.
Instead of responding to Edward, Bella once again will show us her maturity, this time by storming away from him. As you've probably already deduced, dear reader, she didn't make it all too far without tripping and almost falling flat on her face. We say, almost, because Edward caught her just in time and pulled her dangerously close to his body so of course, Bella was very aware of him behind her as she regained her balance.
"You're cute when you're clumsy," Edward observed. His charm was oozing again and he had that trademark crooked grin on his face. As she straightened herself up, Bella huffed and puffed in indignation and finally looked him in his beautiful green eyes (almost as green as a fresh pickled toad, but not quite), intent on getting in one last insult before she left for good.
...and then, it happened.
Bella was dazzled by Edward Cullen.
--
DID YOU GUESS THAT SHE WOULD BE DAZZLED YET? OMG IT TOOK US BY SURPRISE TOO!
(This may seem like a weird thing to mention but please don't post BD spoilers in your reviews however tempting it may be because Kris, one of your esteemed authors, refuses to read spoilers ad will be very sad if she is spoiled. Actually, she maintains that she will "cut you up" if you spoil her. Julie is doubtful about the validity of this statement, but passes it on anyway because Julie doesn't care much about spoilers, but has decided to humor Kris by asking for you all to not post them.)
Reviews are love.