Dear readers, we hope you were not too concerned about our absence, but since we know you care so deeply, we'll explain ourselves. You see, Kris lost her cell phone and was absolutely distraught the entire week and Julie can't really function without Kris so everything just spiraled downwards from there. We're just not sure how we can dig ourselves out of this terrible, terrible situation but with love and support from our friends, we think we can do it. Right at this moment, we're looking at new phones for Kris. Hopefully, this will help us out and we can crawl out from under this dark, oppressive place life had taken us to. Please send positive thoughts our way!
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Edward was so excited by this revelation about Bella being the love of his life, he started to transform into a completely different man. Before Bella, he was of course, an unapologetic man-whore but now that Bella had shot into his life like a shooting star to light up the black skies of his existence...well, needless to say, dear reader, Edward was more than willing to renounce any and all offers he might get to have orgies with his many fangirls.
Indeed, reader, instead of orgies every night, Edward began to become a hopeless sap who bought Bella roses every chance he got and in his spare time, even composed some poetry for her about his soul full of the blackest kind of blasphemy or something like that. Bella, while grateful for the attention, was still a bit dazed from being dazzled by Edward and inundated by roses.
Bella, who let us remind you, was still very socially awkward and uncomfortable with suddenly being the brunt of the entire female population's enmity. Apparently, although Edward hadn't quite managed to sleep with all of them, every girl on campus or even in the near vicinity of campus, had her sights set on him so even hearing that he might become a one-woman man was very disconcerting. They began plotting terrible ways in which to hurt Bella almost immediately. It's what all jilted girls do after all. They don't really go to the store, buy some chocolate ice cream and have a pity party. Those are lies invented by ice cream companies to promote sales. No, in reality, when girls see that the man of their choice has been snatched up, albeit by a socially awkward and fashion inept girl, they immediately begin to think of ways to either expel or severely injure said socially awkward and fashion inept girl.
And this tendency to plot, readers, brings us to our next tragically original plot twist.
Introducing TANYA (cue loud groans of haters or loud squeals of fangirls. Pick your side).
Tanya, Tanya, Tanya. That's really all she goes by, usually. She's like one of those pop singers, with one name who doesn't bother with a last name because that would take too much effort.
Anyways.
With legs long like a flamingo's, and long strawberry blonde hair (sometimes straight, sometimes curls, meh it depends) flowing down her back, seeming to never end because, dear readers, Tanya is beautiful, hot, smokin', and FIERCE. But she's an ultra-mega bitch, too. And all she wants is to get into Edward Cullen's pants.
By "all she wants is to get into Edward Cullen's pants", we literally mean that's all the girl ever thinks about. Her mind can apparently only hold onto one idea at a time and since her sights were set on our favorite man-whore, she of course zeroed in on the girl who was the obstacle in her path to him.
Tanya immediately called a convention of her fellow bitches so they could come up with oh so creative ways to punish Bella's for even being near Edward's pants. The plans, needless to say, were terribly inventive. The final plan however was perhaps the best, the most inventive, most creative thing we've ever heard, and we're positive, dear readers, that you have never even THOUGHT of something so insanely clever.
You see, Tanya and her friends decided that the next weekend they would throw a party which of course, Edward, who although he was convinced he had changed his ways, was still a man-whore therefore he would be required by social caste to attend. Of course, he would bring along his new girlfriend which would give Tanya a chance at sweet, sweet clever revenge. What do Tanya and her friends have planned to get back at Bella, you ask? Well, reader, normally we would have make you wait through the obligatory congratulations and smirks that they would exchange for almost the entire chapter but since we are such benevolent authors, we've decided to skip over that and fast forward to the night of the party.
The night of the party (errr, before the party) goes like this:
Bella is super freaked out (because she's going to the party with EDWARD CULLLEN!), Alice is practically kissing her own feet because of her fashion expertise, and Rose is looking drop dead stunningly gorgeous in some red dress, which we don't really care about going into detail here. We could go post some pictures in the profile, just to prove that we ourselves know what we're talking about...but when we say we don't care about detail - we meant it. For now.
"Belllaaaaaaa, you have GOT to stop panicking," Alice quipped as she helped Bella into another too tiny dress. "You have Edward Cullen wrapped around your small delicate finger. You should hear all the talk around campus."
Bella just could. Not. Believe. It. "But Alice, how is this possible? I don't understa-- oh my god, Alice! I can't breathe in this dress!!"
Alice zipped up her back and smirked. "WHO CARES? YOU LOOK HOT. Just don't eat anything tonight, okay? Great, okay!"
At that, Alice danced a walk away to leave Bella standing in front of her mirror, staring at her perfect figure, looking lovely, and wondering just why the universe hated her.
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It's also not really important to explain what is going on over at the guys' apartment. All that matters is that they show up, all three of them looking way too sexy for their own good as our three ladies melt into their skimpy dresses.
This scene of reunion between the sexes brings us to the party, of course. Alice insisted that they all arrive late because otherwise her presence might go unannounced, but this way, everyone was sure to see them enter.
Meanwhile, clinging onto Edward for dear life was Bella, who was not only having trouble breathing but also having trouble not breaking her ankles in the impossibly high heels her...um, friends had forced her into. Never fear though, dear readers, we won't mention poor Bella's plight again as it is one of those details that just sort of slips our mind. Just know that even though she was really upset with Alice and Rose for squeezing her into the dress, she forgets about any animosity and breathing trouble as soon as she walks into the party.
In fact, it seems the only person capable of hanging on to animosity is Tanya, who is, as we are sure you could never guess, lurking surreptitiously among her party guests, waiting to lure Bella into her master plan.
Meanwhile, our six lovebirds are completely and blissfully unaware and the obligatory dance scene between Bella and Edward is taking place. You know...grinding, feelings of sexual arousal and possible inappropriate groping that seems out of character even for our man-whore version of Edward? Good, then we won't have to elaborate too much and we can skip right to what we feel is possibly the most tragically original part of this entire story: Tanya's revenge.
So here we are. Edward and Bella are dancing together, completely unaware that anyone else is in the room. Or in the entire world, to be honest. Basically, they're both dazzling each other, which isn't exactly the best thing because that means they're not aware of Tanya's presence.
To start off the revenge, Tanya must first make herself known to Edward. And by making herself known, we mean trying to have sex with him right there in front of everyone!
"Edward," Tanya purred into the ex-man-whore's ear as she snuck her hand up to his chest and starting sliding it everywhere.
"Tanya, don't touch me," Edward growled and threw her off of him.
"But, Eddie, you used to like it when I touched you," Tanya whined, completely unpredictably. Behind Edward, Bella glared and refused to believe that her former man-whore of a boyfriend would ever allow himself to be touched by Tanya. You're not really supposed to find this out until later in the story during some confessional or other between our two lovers, but benevolent authors that we are, we're going to reveal to you this precious, original gem in our plotline: Edward, despite his reputation of being a man-whore, is a virgin, so Bella's faith is not really misplaced! We would never let our poor, socially inept heroine fall for anyone less than pristine even if he appeared to be quite a man-whore at first. That would be terrible of us and after all, there are tons of hot college boys with girls hanging all over them who are virgins! But we digress.
"Perhaps it escaped your notice, but he's here with ME," Bella asserted. Apparently, she becomes very fierce and bad ass the very moment it would be most convenient for our plot, but never fear, dear readers, she'll return to being socially awkward very soon.
"Oh really?" Tanya sneered. Then, shocker of shockers, she added with a self-satisfied smirk, "Prove it."
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Ohhhh cliffhanger!! How dare we do this to you! What's Tanya going to do? It's a mystery to us too!
…and guess what? It will remain a mystery to you until we get 2,000 reviews. Yes. Two. Thousand. You read right.