Strange Attraction

Law & Order: SVU

by RoadrunnerGER

Disclaimer: Don't own them, not one of them. Lucky Dick Wolf. :D

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and thanks to my beta-reader. :D Enjoy!

12

Confusion

Oh, my God! I can't believe it! How could I tell her that?

Agitated Elliot shifted his sitting position. Actually he was not even sure if he had described these vivid memories aloud or if he got lost in reverie.

Still Elliot was avoiding Olivia's eyes. He was not even sure why he had told her the whole fucking story. Now she'll laugh at me, he thought. Damn! Why did I tell her? How much have I told her? He wished for a hole to vanish into and braced himself for her taunts.

"First and only time. I swear," he mumbled.

"So I take it that you enjoyed it," Olivia said quite seriously.

Astonished he looked at her.

He definitely didn't expect this reaction. She tried not to chuckle.

"Seriously… you did enjoy it, didn't you?"

Obviously he was thinking hard about how to answer this question. Olivia saw his brows knitting and he was chewing on his bottom lip.

"But I'm not gay!" he finally exclaimed, a bit louder than he intended… because she was right, he did enjoy it.

"I know you're not gay." Olivia could not help smirking. It was kind of amusing to see a man his age become suddenly so confused about his sexuality.

"And I'd never been with a man before that Friday night," he told her.

"Okay. So, at least for now you're bi-curious."

"I'm what? Bi-curious? What the hell does that mean? Did you just make that up?"

"No," she told him with a slight frown. "It means just what it says. You're curious about bisexuality."

"But I'm not bisexual!" he insisted. "I had never considered trying it with a man before."

"You can say whatever you want in the hard, cold light of day, Elliot, but that Friday night, you were most definitely bi-curious."

"How do you know?"

His confusion is so sweet… "Because if you weren't Mike would be in hospital now, and you could very likely be in jail." Inwardly she chuckled. It had been, for him, a disturbing experience: After more then twenty years of successful marriage and long years working Special Victims, he finally found out that he could enjoy a male. "Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. It's pretty late for you but you're not the only one to go through it. When I was in school I was together with a girl for five months."

He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Yes, we were a couple," she answered his unspoken question. "Doing everything that is connected with being a couple, even toys." She grinned. "It can be fun."

"Don't tell me the rumors are true!" he gasped.

"Which rumors?" now she frowned. His gaze was too astonished to be faked.

"You and Casey," he breathed. "Don't tell me you're together with Casey."

"What…?" her voice trailed off. Then she started laughing. "You really want an answer?" she finally gasped between laughter.

Elliot nodded.

"No, we're not together," Olivia said, but made a pause that indicated that there was still something to come. "Not anymore."

Openmouthed her partner stared at her.

"You're joking." One look into her eyes told him the truth. "No, you're not joking." He swallowed. "For how long?"

"We were together for almost one year," Olivia told him honestly.

"I never would have thought that you are… a lesbian," he searched for the right word, his confusion still audible in his voice.

"I'm not a lesbian. If I'm a lesbian you're gay."

"I only slept with him just once!"

"Okay, I slept with her more often, but I'm not lesbian. I prefer men… but I can also enjoy women."

"That's what Mike said about him and men."

Olivia chuckled. "Everyone is drawn to the same sex sometime during his life. Usually during puberty." Her smile became warmer when she tried to lock with his eyes now. "That's why I said that it would be late for you. But why am I telling you that?"

Her low chuckle made Elliot uneasy. He knew what she meant. Working special victims they both went through special training.

"You're wondering now about your sexuality?" Olivia asked. "About your preferences? Are you afraid you might become gay?"

His embarrassment really was cute. Still smiling she leaned forward and before he could protest, she pressed her lips on his to kiss him deeply.

"And?" she asked when she finally backed off. "What did you feel?"

He turned such a dark crimson that Olivia wondered if there was blood left in the rest of his body. Then she noticed the bulge in his pants and knew there had to be some, somewhere.

After what felt like an eternity he mumbled, "Incestuous."

"What?" Olivia chuckled incredulously given his physical reaction.

"Liv, you're like a sister to me…" His blush turned even darker as he realized that his body spoke a different language. "I could never… that's out of the question."

A broad smile cracked Olivia's features.

"So, let's pretend I'm not your partner… what would you feel then?"

"Straight," he answered without hesitation but with a grunted laugh. "I've always thought that you're a stunning and classy lady."

Now Olivia did not feel like being stunning but was stunned by his statement, and she felt a blush creep up to her face.

"I really do," he assured her. "I just didn't think that it would be appropriate to give you compliments like that. You're my partner, Liv."

"Thank you, Elliot," she rasped with emotion. "And as we're about to make confessions… I think that you're a good cop, a great guy and the best partner one can have." She paused for a second. "And you're gorgeous."

His eyes widened and he almost would have gasped when he heard that last word.

"What? Did I say something wrong?" Olivia asked. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"Y-you didn't," he mumbled. "J-just memories."

Whatever memories these were, Olivia knew he would not share them and she was smart enough not to ask. Actually it might be better to change the subject.

"Well, as we clarified that, you can now go back to Kathy. Tell her about Mike. She'll understand it."

"I bet she won't."

"C'mon!" Olivia was stunned that he doubted Kathy's ability to forgive him. They were married for over twenty years. That was what had shaken him to the core. Well, yeah, that might be the reason, that he was still shaken by her walking out, leaving him with an empty house, one hell of a guilty conscience, and a strenuous job as his only support. It was difficult. "Give Kathy some credit," she said. "She will understand it as long as you're honest."

He still did not look convinced.

"If you want to reconcile with Kathy you'll have to tell her." Olivia eyed her partner closely. "Don't you think that she would be royally pissed if she found out accidentally?"

As if he would not have thought about that for the last several days! Which way am I most likely to lose her forever? How will she react when she finds out about Mike, even if it was just the one time?

"I don't think that we're far enough with getting back together to talk about something like that now. She just told me that she never turned in the papers… I'm scared that it would destroy everything before we could get it even started. Besides, how could she find out?"

"I don't know, Elliot, but shit happens. You know that."

"Yeah…" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe one of the counseling sessions might be an opportunity."

Still he looked quite upset. Olivia reminded herself of something he had said earlier, that Kathy had not turned in the signed divorce papers. Olivia did not know her reasons and did not have to know them, but she knew that this fact was eating away at him. He had a mad affair while he still was married. That probably troubled him more than the fact that it was a guy who he had slept with.

Olivia felt incredibly honored by her partner's, her best friend's, trust. It certainly could not be easy for him to admit to having had an affair, especially a homosexual one! She was the first person he was confiding in and she was touched but also did not really know what to make of that fact.

Elliot still remained silent. He just sat and stared at his hands resting in his lap.

"I really am scared," he suddenly murmured. "I know that I won't be able to keep it a secret from Kathy. That's why… why I… told you." Slowly he raised his head to look at her but could only stand her gaze for a second. "I won't be able to live with having cheated on her even though I didn't know about the papers at that time."

Olivia nodded. Yeah, that must be tough for you.

She thought about how she had noticed that the burden he carried had seemed to lift first before he tumbled down into the next… well, depression was a too strong word. At first Olivia had assumed that Elliot had been with someone. He was showing the relaxed manner which went along with the healing powers of, bluntly said, getting laid for about two days before he became more silent and withdrawn.

At some point in his tale Elliot had stopped talking and Olivia could only guess what was on his mind. It must have been quite intimate and joyful memories. At least that was what she read in his dreamy features when he remembered it and she briefly wondered how far he had gone with Mike.

"Why?" he suddenly gasped.

"Why what?"

"Why Mike?"

"I don't know." It was true. Olivia could only speculate about why he had to stumble over Mike Logan who had been interested, willing and ready to offer and go through with it.

"I racked my brain over that question," Elliot murmured, "but I don't get it. Why did God send me Mike Logan of all the people I could possibly meet? During all the years with SVU I've seen a lot, experienced a lot and I don't think that I'm narrow minded… but I never ever thought about a man as… a romantic partner."

"I'm not sure if that is what happened," Olivia said.

"What? The romance? Yeah…" Thoughtfully he stared at the floor. "You're right it was not romantic in the common sense but… still it was…"

"What?" she could not help but prod when he trailed off.

Once more blood colored his cheeks.

"Hot, it was hot."

Olivia just smiled at that. There had to have been some kind of mutual attraction if Elliot was willing to abandon his longtime restraints and experiment with same sex coupling. She knew he was not the type to do something like that without an internal battle. Whatever was between the two men, it had to be strong.

"What do you think that it was? What attracted you, I mean?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know or you don't want to tell?" Olivia pushed, keeping her tone light because she did not want to scare him, make him feel cornered.

"I don't know."

For a moment Olivia thought about that. Then she tried to explain, "Maybe he sensed what you needed and offered it."

"You think he took advantage of me?" Elliot scowled. It was obvious that he did not agree with what she suggested. He feared to have made a complete idiot out of himself.

"No, El," she said. "I mean it like I said it. He might have sensed your need and responded to it."

"Hmmm."

She watched him thinking. This had been an intense talk. She sensed that he needed to be on his own for a while.

"Okay, I'm calling it a day. See you tomorrow."

Elliot nodded. A small grateful smile played around his lips. "Thanks, Liv. For everything."

She just smiled at him and waved goodbye before she left the crib.

tbc..