Pre-notes: As previously mentioned, I have already posted all the tangents I originally planned. That said, this is probably a bigger mess than the fifth one, especially because I've neglected Suzaku for so long. If you can leave feedback, it will be very much appreciated.
Disclaimer: Code Geass belongs to Sunrise
Part 3.876: Choices and Chances
It all happened so fast, yet he remembered it as if it all happened in slow-motion.
A warning. A yell. The sound of something whizzing past him as he turned around. A cry of pain followed by a flash of red. At first he thought it was the Geass that Lelouch cast on him, but he soon recognized it to be blood.
But whose blood was it?
Next came the sound of a body, or bodies, hitting the ground. A name called out in genuine concern and fear -- the name of the blood's owner.
Everything after that was a blur.
-.o.O.o.-
Kururugi Suzaku: Japanese, son of Kururugi Genbu, friend to Lelouch, honorary Britannian, Ashford Academy student, former personal knight to Euphemia, former Knight of Seven, former Knight of Zero. Now he was personal knight to Empress Nunnally vi Britannia. Once upon a time, some of those titles he held conflicted with the others, yet all of them described who he was.
Many times he had wondered if they were his masks, like the ones Lelouch had, but quickly realized his mistake. If they were, he'd probably have a hard time keeping track of who he was supposed to be at what time; he wasn't as talented as Lelouch, after all. No, they were more like his clothes than his masks. They were all his real selves -- results of the choices he made on the way to achieving his goals.
-It was all I could do!-
His goals: what were they, exactly? When he had killed his own father, his goal had been to end the killings that the invasion brought about. After that, he only sought to atone for that one act of murder. Wait, that wasn't exactly a goal, was it? He had no way of telling whether or not he was making progress, of whether or not he had already achieved it. He told everyone he knew that he intended to change Britannia from within; perhaps, in a way, a means to convince himself of that fact. His best efforts were shot down left and right, and, to put it simply, he was going nowhere, fast.
-If we work together, there's nothing we can't achieve.-
Lelouch. His friend always did have a plan, and could rarely be taken by surprise. Many times he had thought of asking for his friend's help in planning his next step, but all he got was discouragement. For a while he brushed it off, thinking that Lelouch only did so to keep him safe. He had realized too late that he was being discouraged because Lelouch knew for a fact how futile such efforts were. By the time he did, fate had attacked them with a storm of events that drove their emotions high, making logical thought something to be saved for later.
-Your existence is a mistake!-
He was hurt, and he had wanted to hurt back. It hadn't occurred to him that maybe Lelouch was already hurting, too.
-I won't ask for forgiveness. We're friends, aren't we?-
Whatever euphoria he felt from his victory over Zero was quickly replaced by a hollow feeling. While he had managed to exact revenge for his beloved Euphemia, he had also alienated himself from the only two people who knew his old self: he helped trap Lelouch within his own mind, and he deprived Nunnally of her brother. At this point, he wasn't sure who he was, anymore, but he took solace in the knowledge that he was doing was the right thing.
-Suzaku... you're a masochist, aren't you?-
Did he enjoy punishing himself? Looking back, the choices he made in past eight years seemed to suggest exactly that: Joining Britannia's military with no hope of climbing to higher positions; agreeing to become test-pilot for a knightmare that didn't have an ejection system; taking said knightmare to missions that nobody else wanted because of the high amount of risk; taking even more risks than those initially predicted for that mission -- the list went on and on. Even as Knight of Seven -- a position that many wanted to have because it meant answering only to the Emperor himself, of being untouchable -- he made choices that ultimately hurt his own self. Lies, betrayals, thirst for power: all in the name of attaining the rank of Knight of One; all in the name of gaining independence for Japan.
-You're the same. You've become like Oniisama.-
Somewhere during his time as Knight of Seven, while he did not lose track of his objective, he lost track of himself. He had always believed that despicable means never accomplished anything, hadn't he? So he followed the rules. He followed orders. However, he still killed people -- and that was despicable, right? But he did it anyway, because those were his orders, and following orders meant that you were following the rules. Lelouch (as Zero), on the other hand, ordered the killings. In the end, though, they were both guilty of the same crimes.
-It must be that you're the one who can't forgive him. You don't want to forgive him.-
Shirley. If there was anybody whose life was messed-up by Lelouch as much as (if not more than) he was, it was her. Her father was among those buried in the landslide during the Narita battle. She was made to forget because she found out about Zero. She was made to forget again because of the Emperor's plans. Finally she was shot dead in what looked like a suicide. He learned after Lelouch's trial that it was Rolo who killed her, and that her death made Lelouch want to destroy everything that had to do with Geass.
Geass. Since learning about it, he had hated Lelouch, believing his friend to be evil incarnate -- someone so obsessed with exacting revenge for his mother's death that it didn't matter who got hurt along the way.
-I gave the order.-
But after hearing what he had to say during that interview with the Black Knights...
-I'm responsible.-
The Lelouch he knew -- Nunnally's brother -- still existed, and was only hiding. It was all an act, and, all this time, Lelouch had been in pain just like him.
-Nothing's unforgivable... I've forgiven him a long time ago.-
Shirley had forgiven him. Nunnally had forgiven him. Euphie probably didn't even blame him.
Would he be able to do the same?
The first step to answering that question was presented to him earlier today, when Nunnally had dismissed him after her meeting with Prime Minister Ohgi had ended sooner than expected. The young Empress had insisted that he take the rest of the day off, since it had been a long time since he last set foot on his home country. He was handed something to give to Lelouch, though, in case he 'happened' to pass by Ashford Academy.
And happen it did, because he found himself standing outside its gates in his civilian garb and sunglasses. He had no intention of coming here, but this was where his feet brought him as he was reminiscing. He let a small smile form on his face. It was almost second nature for him to come here in his days off, scarce though they were. He chuckled. It was a miracle he hadn't followed his old route and end up falling into that crater.
Now what? He most certainly could not just walk in there for a reason he had yet to make up -- not wearing the school uniform made him stand out. Maybe he could just turn back and pretend he never came here. Nunnally wouldn't need to know--
"Suzaku? Is that you?"
"Hello, Rivalz," he greeted with a sigh. So much for that idea.
-.o.O.o.-
Lelouch Lamperouge was brought out of his thoughts by the person sitting behind him. To be strictly accurate, though, the person whose back he had been leaning on called his attention.
"If you're not going to help me with my homework, Lelouch, at least try and not make me your pillow."
"I wasn't asleep," he countered while shifting his weight a little towards his side of the bench, where he sat back-to-back with Kallen.
"Not yet, you mean," Kallen answered back from her side of the bench, rolling her shoulders a bit before returning to her work. It had been nearly a week since prom night, and they had been spending their free time together since. Further displays of affection were still kept to a bare minimum, however; though it was more out of not wanting to distract Kallen too much than fear of the wrath of her self-appointed big brothers. They sat on one of the benches in the garden enclosed by the classroom building as it offered more privacy now that classes were over.
"All right, I drifted off," he admitted, "But I wasn't falling asleep." Kallen only rolled her eyes in response.
"I was thinking," he spoke again a moment later, and Kallen paused in her work. She had learned to sense changes in Lelouch's mood, and she could tell he was being serious just now.
"Everything that's been happening," he continued, "They're almost too good to be true. Even without Zero, more nations are joining the UFN. Even without my help, Nunnally is making incredible progress in Britannia. Ohgi is showing his full leadership potential now that it's peacetime. You and I are here in Ashford, finishing school.
"I may not be allowed to leave campus or use my real name, but," a heavy sigh, "It was a small price to pay. I'm seeing all these good things happening, and I wonder... After all the things I've done, all the pain I've caused, I wonder if I deserved even hearing about all these, much less be part of them."
He fell on his back when Kallen suddenly stood up, and she kept him there with her right hand on his chest, near the base of his neck. Her left hand mimicked a gun, which she aimed between his eyes.
"What have you done with Lelouch," she started, and Lelouch's eyes widened at the name that followed, "Kururugi Suzaku?"
"What?!"
"You were talking a lot like he did," Kallen explained. "Well, before he became one of the Rounds, at least."
"Suzaku, huh?" said Lelouch, and it was more as a response than a question. Most of the other students had kept their distance whenever they were seen together, and they took every chance to speak freely, though still in hushed tones. They had exchanged stories about their past, including the day they got stranded in Kaminejima with Suzaku and Euphemia. Kallen found new respect for Euphemia because of those, and Lelouch learned that she was more aware of Suzaku's motivations than he previously thought. Although...
"You're still worried about that, aren't you?" she asked when she noticed him becoming thoughtful again, and straightened.
"I'm sorry," Lelouch apologized as he sat up to let her return to her seat.
"Don't worry about it. I know it's important to you," she said as she sat down. "I guess I'll have to try and finish this at the Student Council room. It's beginning to get dark."
"All right," replied Lelouch in acknowledgment as he picked up his own bag.
"Oh, by the way," Lelouch said as he stood. Kallen was not yet done putting her things away, and she stopped, waiting for whatever he had to say. All he said next was "Pink," then he began to walk towards the path to the clubhouse. She only understood what he meant when he stopped, looked back at her, flashed his mischievous smirk, and began to run. Her eyes widened when she recalled the position they were in earlier.
"LELOUCH!!!"
-.o.O.o.-
"Are you sure you don't want to wait for Lelouch?"
Rivalz's question made Suzaku pause. He had given Rivalz the excuse that he was only there to pick up his things from the Student Council lockers. When they arrived to find the clubhouse empty he was very much relieved; he still hadn't decided how he would deal with Lelouch the next time they met.
"He'll want to see you, you know," Rivalz continued, "Being stuck in school and all, he'd want to hear about what you've been up to. A lot has been happening here, too, and he'd probably want to tell you all about them."
"I wish I could," Suzaku replied as he closed the small box that contained his meager belongings. "But Nunn-, Her Majesty is expecting me back soon. I'm only lucky I got the afternoon off."
"Okay," replied Rivalz, clearly disappointed. "Let me give you a ride back, though. For old times' sake." Suzaku was about to decline the offer when he heard a woman's voice from outside.
"You're dead, Lamperouge!"
The door opened to admit a gasping -- but smiling -- Lelouch running from an annoyed Kallen.
"It was a guess," he said. After a gulp and a deep breath he went on, "Honest!"
Kallen Kouzuki, however, was a fire not easily doused, and Lelouch knew that. Perhaps that was among the things he admired about her.
"You're still a dead man!"
With that Lelouch made to run around the conference table, where he stopped himself in time to avoid running into somebody.
"Suzaku?!"
"Lelouch."
The next few moments were suddenly tense, and none of the people in the room could deny sensing it. The only sounds that could be heard were the breaths of the new arrivals, still ragged from the chase they were in earlier. While Rivalz was the only one who wasn't aware of the cause of this tension, he could tell that it was not his place to break the silence.
"Rivalz," it was Kallen who spoke first, "Since you're here, could you help Lelouch take, um, something out of storage? You know, just to make sure the stuff doesn't fall on him?"
"S-Sure!" came Rivalz's eager reply, promptly grabbing Lelouch's arm on his way out of the room. Kallen breathed a heavy sigh after the door closed behind them.
"He taught you the signals," Suzaku said as soon as the door to the Student Council room closed.
"You noticed," Kallen noted. "Hey, he said it was different from what you two used."
"There aren't many discreet hand movements, anyway," Suzaku shrugged as he answered. "It could mean something different. In any case, what you just told him didn't make sense, considering the situation."
"Oh? What did it mean in your set?" Kallen asked, curious.
"'No wasabi'. For when we buy food during our trips to town."
"You're kidding me," Kallen said, raising an eyebrow.
"Knight's honor," assured Suzaku as he made the knights' salute with a flourish, though with a relaxed posture and his head was tilted a bit. This seemed to satisfy Kallen, and he went on to ask, "What about in your set?"
"'Trust me'."
"Oh," came Suzaku's response. "It's not that different, I guess."
They shared a laugh, then. Though subdued, it was genuine. It felt strange, now that all their masks have been shed, now that all the fighting was over. They were just two people now, not two knights fighting on opposite sides. It was as if they just met.
"Care for a tour? A lot has changed since last you've been here," Kallen offered. Suzaku nodded.
"I'd like that."
-.o.O.o.-
"You can come out now, Lelouch!"
"Wha-! Lelouch?!"
"I wasn't eavesdropping, in case you were wondering."
"Where's Rivalz?"
"In storage."
"You didn't!"
"I'm hurt, Kallen. You know me better than that."
"H-How long have you been--?"
"Lelouch-sama!"
"Murderer!"
*BANG!*
"Kallen!"
-.o.O.o.-
Suzaku sighed as he joined Sayoko in the elevator to the underground command center.
The tour that Kallen had given him was a short one, and was only an excuse to find a place where they could talk without getting interrupted. Still, walking through the grounds made him feel at home, so much that he hadn't noticed that they were being followed. He wasn't surprised when she finally brought up the topic of his friendship with Lelouch, and how he dreaded their next meeting. They spoke about it at length when the tour ended at the bridge near the dormitory area, which gave a view of the FLEIJA crater. Kallen rested her arms on the railing as she spoke.
"He cares about you a lot, you know," Kallen said. "So much that I'm almost jealous."
"You should have heard how he laughed when we found out you were piloting the Lancelot," she continued when Suzaku kept quiet. "I think a part of him died that day, now that I think about it. You were his first friend, and Britannia stole you away from him. Since then, every battle was so that he could win you over.
"He was...different after the, um, accident at the SAZ," she paused to observe Suzaku's reaction before continuing, "But, even then, he didn't want you hurt. I don't know when he used the Geass on you, but I think he did it because he wanted you safe, because it was the only way he could protect you.
"I don't know why he wanted you dead during the battle for Tokyo, or how that turned into a partnership when he took the throne, but I do know that he turns sad every time your name pops up. I might be reading a little too much into this, but I really think he wants you back."
He looked towards the crater, his expression thoughtful. "I don't know if that's possible."
"Why not?" she asked. "Didn't you manage to work together against Prince Schneizel?"
"It was a deal, nothing more," came his answer. "Too much has happened. I've done so many-"
"Please don't give me the 'I don't deserve to be happy' speech," said Kallen with a hint of exasperation. "I've heard it enough times from Lelouch."
Suzaku blinked once, and then said with a small smile, "I'm sorry."
"That, too," she sighed. "No wonder you two got along so well."
"Anyway," she said as she straightened from leaning on the bridge's railing, "Can't you at least give him another chance? I'm not saying you forget everything that happened in the past two years, but I think-, no, believe that the friendship you had was-, is stronger than that. I could tell when you didn't just walk out of the Council room earlier that you don't absolutely hate him. Maybe you were waiting for him to say something, but he wanted you to say something first, too. Seriously, you two are acting like lovers who had a fight."
"Kallen..."
"I think I better stop here, though," she continued as she crossed her arms, "I might actually make myself jealous."
He laughed then, but it was more out of appreciation than amusement. She genuinely cared about Lelouch and was willing to do what she could to make him happy. Lucky guy.
"I'll try."
Then that assassin showed up and nearly caused him to break the promise he just made. The undercover UFN agents within and around campus surrounded them within seconds, executing the procedure for such an emergency. Lelouch was forcibly taken to the underground base, where he would be staying until no further threat was found.
"Stay with her!" Lelouch had shouted even as he struggled against his protectors. "Stay with her, Suzaku!"
The assassin was one of their own agents, one who lost his entire family when the FLEIJA warhead was launched in the Tokyo settlement. During the interrogation, they learned that his target was not Lelouch, but Suzaku -- apparently in a bid to avenge his family's deaths. It was Sayoko's instincts that made her tail her charge more closely than usual, and it was most fortunate that she trusted those instincts.
All things considered, what happened was the best possible outcome -- next to stopping the shooter, that is. Had Sayoko not called out in warning, Suzaku wouldn't have turned around fast enough, and the bullet would have gone through his heart. Had Kallen not been there to push Lelouch to the ground, the bullet would have gone through his heart. Had she been a split-second slower, the bullet would have hit her head. Yes, her grazed right bicep was the best that could happen. It needed some stitches, but it could easily pass off as a result of an accident in school.
Finally at the door to the command center, Sayoko deftly punched a complex code into the hidden panel to open it. Nodding in thanks, Suzaku walked in to find a clearly anxious Lelouch rising from his chair.
"How is she?"
"A little shaken up," Suzaku answered, "But doing fine. The nurse says there's no need to take her to the hospital." Lelouch let out a breath and visibly relaxed on hearing the news.
"Thank you," he said as he slumped back on his chair, while Suzaku could almost hear the gears in Lelouch's head slow down.
Suzaku let a small smile form at the familiar sight. He knew that Lelouch especially disliked not being in control, and being cooped up in here unable to do anything probably poked at his sanity. He might have even thought of breaking out of the command center had it not been locked using the emergency code, which can only be undone from the outside. Suzaku decided to speak after another moment of silence.
"I'm sorry."
Both of them said it. Both blinked in confusion as they looked at the other, after which both asked,
"What for?"
Suzaku decided to answer first. "Kallen wouldn't have gotten hurt if I hadn't come."
"What are you talking about," retorted Lelouch. "We messed up with the background checks on the agents. We should have spotted that detail."
"Maybe so, but I should have been able to stop him. I was too slow to react."
"I saw him coming up behind you but didn't think anything was out of the ordinary. And I'd hardly call somebody who can dodge bullets 'slow'."
"That's just it -- I shouldn't have dodged it. I should have pushed both of you to the ground."
"And get yourself shot instead? I used my Geass on you for a reason, you idiot!"
"So I could just let you die if it meant saving my own life? Did you think I'd forgive myself if I let that happen?!"
"Did you think I'd forgive myself if you got hurt instead?!"
"Lelouch!"
"Suzaku!"
They were both standing now, in a posture that suggested they were ready to jump for the other's throat at any moment. For a while, the only sound that could be heard was their angry breaths. The next sound that came, however, was laughter.
"Well, isn't this familiar," Lelouch was the first to regain his composure.
"Good thing we don't have weapons on us this time."
After a short moment of silence, both turned serious once again.
"About Euphie--"
"You loved her, too," Suzaku cut in. "Did it hurt to pull the trigger?"
"It had to be done," Lelouch admitted after a pause. "I had to be the one to do it."
"Yes or no, Lelouch," countered Suzaku, "and I want the truth." He spoke those words in a quiet, calm manner that it was unnerving, considering the laugh they just shared earlier. Lelouch looked at the floor before giving his answer.
"Yes."
Lelouch closed his eyes when he saw Suzaku walk toward him and waited for the punch that he knew was coming. A moment later he let out an "Ouch!" and was rubbing the sensitive area between his eyebrows where Suzaku flicked a finger at.
"That's for not answering yes-no question properly. And this," Suzaku continued as he wrapped an arm around Lelouch's neck then rubbed his free hand's knuckles over his prisoner's head, "is for eavesdropping."
"I told you," Lelouch said through gritted teeth while he struggled against Suzaku's grip. "I wasn't eavesdropping!"
"Give me one good reason why I should believe you."
"There aren't even any eaves on campus!"
"Hm. Works for me," agreed Suzaku as he released his hold on Lelouch, who nearly fell on his bum as he stumbled backward with a "Gah!" before rubbing the top of his head.
"Tch. You wanted to do that again, didn't you?"
"As if you didn't want to say the eaves thing," countered Suzaku.
They both smiled, then, having sensed that the bond that they formed years ago was finally mended.
"How about we call it even?" offered Suzaku as he held out his hand.
"Very well," Lelouch replied in mock-tiredness as he took the offered hand, "If that's what pleases you."
"Many thanks for your generosity, Highness. I am in your debt."
"Well, then," said Lelouch as he moved to lean back on the conference table, "How much longer do you suppose I have to stay down here?"
"Another half-hour or so," replied Suzaku as he mimicked his friend's posture, "They're done with the background checks on all the other agents and were about to do a sweep of the grounds on my way down here." Lelouch nodded in acknowledgment.
"Oh, before I forget," said Suzaku as he pulled a manila envelope from his coat's inner pocket. "Nunnally wanted me to give this to you."
"What could it be?" he asked while accepting the envelope.
"Probably nothing too important," Suzaku suggested, and then turned away while Lelouch opened it. "I was sort of avoiding you and I think she knew that."
"Suzaku," Lelouch's tone of voice made him turn to face his friend again. "This is a catalogue for engagement rings."
"Huh?"
"Wait, there's a note," Lelouch paused as he studied said note. "She said to ask you about the story you told her on the night before your flight here."
Suzaku looked to the ceiling as he searched his memory. "I wonder if it's the one about Japan's old monarchy. She asked a lot of questions about that one."
"What sort of questions?"
"Like how the old government worked," he explained, "Specifically what powers the emperor had since he was just a figurehead. You know, just for the tradition of having an emperor. Those that actually run the government were elected by the people..." He trailed off, and one look at Lelouch's face showed they were reaching the same conclusion.
"Nunnally..."
-.o.O.o.-
Suzaku turned around and gave Kallen one last wave before making the turn that will lead him back to the Britannian embassy. After receiving the all-clear from Sayoko, he and Lelouch found Kallen in the nurse's office already preparing to go home by herself. Lelouch protested, of course, and insisted that she let Suzaku escort her home, to which the other boy agreed. Defeated yet glad that the two seemed to have renewed their friendship, she agreed.
He smiled at the memory. The whole time they were trying to convince Kallen to let herself be escorted, Lelouch never released her hand. She even blushed so hard when Lelouch seemed to check every joint of it for injuries -- especially because Suzaku seemed very much amused by it as he watched. Of course, he was amused because he knew Lelouch's other reason for doing what he did.
He opened his mobile phone to read the message that just arrived from Lelouch. Size Q, it read, and he could almost see Lelouch laughing at the coincidence: a size-Q ring for his Q-1.
-When I grow up, I'll help you become emperor.-
He fulfilled that promise once as Knight of Zero. Now he would be able to keep that promise a second time as his friend. Not only will he be helping Lelouch become emperor, he would be helping out with his queen, as well.
End-notes: I checked Wikipedia for the UK/Australia ring size conventions. It's a little large, but I'm assuming Kallen's battle-hardened hands would have larger joints, or at least more callused than most women's. That, and the "Q for Q-1" bit was hard to resist XD
The last quote was from the sound episode where Suzaku and Lelouch commandeered a vehicle right before the invasion started. All the others are from the anime.
For the eavesdropping thing, I plead temporary insanity :p
If there were any parts that you found the wording irksome/annoying/off in this installment, please let me know. Thanks for reading!
Date last edited: 2009/03/19