Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. Thanks so much to Katlover98 for reviewing!!
"Oh, look!" I said, a wave of hope coming over me. "Look, there's a LINE! Looks like we better go and come back another day, honey…" Another day, as in, the end of time.
I felt the anger in Alice's presence. "A line is there?" she said furiously. And then she put on a wicked grin.
"No line will ever come between Mary Alice Brandon Cullen and her shopping!"
Uh-oh. I began to panic.
"Wait-what do you mean?" I asked weakly. Before I knew it she had marched in front of the furious-looking girls in front of us. When she came back, she was smiling.
"Don't worry, Jazzy," she said. "Those nice storeowner people said we could go in FIRST!"
"FIRST?!?!??!?!" I spluttered. "But- but how…"
Alice smiled.
* * *
I was getting desperate. Alice had dragged me, kicking and whimpering nonetheless, to the front of the line, and we were going to go in. I decided to make one last desperate move for escape.
"Honey, look!" I said. "Look-this place is only open to WOMEN," I said, gesturing to the girls in front of the store. "So I'll just wait outside now and meet up with you later!"
Alice wasn't deterred. "Jazzy, you silly!" she giggled, squeezing my arm even tighter. "Look, those guys are just coming out right now, and they even got the makeovers!"
I gasped. Several men were coming out of the store, all on the arms of girls, naturally. I could feel their humiliation and resentment.
They were smeared in makeup and blush and foundation, and their hair was combed down and gelled in ways no male's hair should ever be worn. Wait a minute, scratch that. Their hair was styled in ways no living creature with hair should ever be worn, male or female.
Their partners were giggling. When they spotted me with Alice, they snickered and shared conspiratorial looks. From what my powers were telling me, they all seemed to be feeling
"Hey, look at that poor sucker!"
I could not let this happen to me.
"Look, Jazzy, these humans really know how to live!" Alice said in wonder, pointing in awe at the manis and pedis that were being applied in the salon. Yes, even to men.
"Not for long," I murmured.
Now, I love my wife dearly. But this-wait, I got it!
"Alice, look over there!" I said. "A SALE!!"
"WHAT? WHERE?!?!" She spun around, frantically looking in my direction.
In that instant, I made a mad dash for the store entrance. I would have moved faster, but the humans in the area would surely notice if I had simply vanished into thin air beside Alice.
"JASPER HALE DONTYOUDARERUNAWAYFROM-" Phew. Safe. I knew Alice would never leave her place in line, especially for a discount. Now, then, where to go?
Away from You Look FAB! that's for sure. I quickly walked far, far away from that femininely grotesque shop. I knew I had a good 20 minutes to escape Alice and her crazed shopping antics. (No offense, honey. You know I love you. *wink*)
Hm…. I do recall…..
*GASP!* The National Museum of History CIVIL WAR shop!!! Of course!! I ran over to the mall map and quickly located the very manly, macho store, on the 20th floor.
"You are here," read the map, on the first floor. *sigh.* Oh well. At least it won't be any more horrendous than that repulsive beauty salon. (Still no offense, honey)
I casually strolled toward the elevator, passing the revolting food court. How do humans find that stuff so appealing?? Suddenly, as I reached the elevator, my mind turned to what I found appealing. This was my mistake.
Yeah, nice going Jazz. Haha. Can we get 5 more reviews before I get the next chapter up? Pretty please? I promise it will get funnier once he's in the elevator!!