Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. This fanfic was only made in jest.

'Well, I start bleeding like mad every time they try,' said Mr Weasley cheerfully, reaching across for his wang, which lay on his bedside cabinet, and waving it so that six extra chairs appeared at his beside table to seat them all.

The healer pointed her wang at the door of the Jamis Thickey ward and muttered, 'Alohomora!'

"I'll get to the point, then,' said Sirius standing up. He was rather taller than Snape who, Harry noticed, balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wang.

Sirius pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Snape, pulling out his wang as he wen. Snape whipped out his own. They were squaring up to each other, Sirius looking livid, Snape calculating, his eyes darting from Sirius' wang-tip to his face.

Sirius raised his wang.

He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking towards the door with their wangs pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them, a hand stretched out to each, trying to force them apart.

'Merlin's beard,' said Mr Weasley, the smile sliding off his face, 'what's going on her?'

Both Sirius and Snape lowered their wangs. Harry looked from one to the other. Each wore an expression of utmost contempt, yet the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses. Snape pocketed his wang, turned on his heel and swept back across the kitchen, passing the Weasleys without a comment.

… Sirius glared after him, his wang at his side.

'I can still get him from here,' Ron said, raising his wang and taking aim between Smith's shoulder blades.

Snape pulled out his wang from an inside pocket of his robes and Harry tensed in his chair, but Snape merely raised the wang to his temple and placed its tip into the greasy roots of his hair,. When he withdrew it, some silvery substance came away, stretching from temple to wang like a thick gossamer strand, which as he pulled the wang away from it and fell gracefully into the Pensieve, where it swirled silvery-white, neither gas nor fluid. Twice more, Snape raised the wang to his temple and deposited the slivery substance into the stone basin, then, without offering any explanation of his behaviour, he picked up the Pensieve carefully, removed it to a shelf out of their way and returned to face Harry with his wang held at the ready.

'Stand up and take out your wang, Potter.'

'You may use your wang to attempt to disarm me, or defend yourself in any other way you can think of,' said Snape.

'And what are you going to do?' Harry asked, eyeing Snape's wang apprehensively.

He looked up at Snape, who had lowered his wang and was rubbing his wrist.

'Well, for a first attempt that was not as poor as it might have been, ' said Snape, raising his wang once more. 'You managed to stop me eventually, though you wasted time and energy shouting. You must remain focused. Repel me with your brain and you will not need to resort to your wang.'

'I'm trying,' said Harry angrily, 'but you're not telling me how!'

'Manners, Potter,' said Snape dangerously. 'Now, I want you to close your eyes.'

Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told, He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wang.

He pushed himself up again to find Snape staring at him, his wang raised.

As he opened, he glanced back at Snape, who had his back to Harry and was scooping his own thoughts out of the Pensieve with the tip of his wang and replacing them carefully inside his won head.

He raised his wang. 'One – two – three!'

Harry raised his own wang.

…a greasy-haired teenager sat alone in a dark bedroom, pointing his wang at the ceiling, shooting down flies.

'On the count of three, then,' said Snape, raising his wang once more.

Snape strode to his office door, his wang still held at the ready, and swept out of sight.

Professor Trelawney was standing in the middle of the Entrance Hall with her wang in one hand and an empty sherry bottle in the other, looking utterly mad.

Professor Flitwick went scurrying after them, his wang held out before him.

'But that would be scary!' said Lavender, who was shooting puffs of silver vapour out of the end of her wang. 'And I still-can't-do it,' she added angrily.

Neville was having trouble, too. His face was crewed up in concentration, but only feeble wisps of silver smoke issued from his wang tip.

'You've got to think of something happy,' Harry reminded him.

'I'm trying,' said Neville miserably, who was trying so hard his round face was shining with sweat.

A spit second later Dumbledore was on his feet, his wang raised.

He looked up at Dumbledore, who was still standing beside Marietta, his wang held loosely in his hand.

'Enough of this rubbish!' said Fudge, pulling out his own wang.

Ron pulled out his wang, but Hermione pushed it away, whispering, 'Don't!'

'Back to lunch you go, Potter!' cried Umbridge, raising her wang and dashing out of the office.

A jet of red light shot out of the end of her wang and hit one of the rockets.

'So, 'he said, 'have you been practising?'

'Yes,' Harry lied, looking carefully at one of the legs of Snape's desk.

'Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?' said Snape smoothly. 'Wang out, Potter.'

'On the count of three then,' said Snape lazily. 'One – two –'

Snape's office door banged open and Draco Malfoy sped in.

"Professor Snape, sir – oh – sorry –'

Malfoy was looking at Snape and Harry in some surprise.

'It's all right, Draco,' said Snape, lowering his wang. 'Potter is here for a little remedial Potions.'

Seething, Harry replaced his wang inside his robes and made to leave the room.

He hesitated, listening, then pulled out his wang again. The office and the corridor beyond were completely silent. He gave the contents of the Pensieve a small prod with the end of his wang.

Snape reacted so fast it was as though he had been expecting an attack' dropping his bag, he plunged his hand inside his robes, and his wang was halfway into the air when James shouted.

Snape's wang flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

'Impedimenta!' he said, pointing his wang at Snape, who was knocked off his feet halfway though a dive towards his own fallen wang.

Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wangs raised.

Snape let out a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but with his wang ten feet away nothing happened.

'I will if you go out with me, Evans,' said James quickly. 'G on…go out with me and I'll never lay a wang on old Snivelly again.'

Snape was beginning to inch towards his fallen wang, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled.

But too late; Snape had directed his wang straight at James.

'Certainly,' said James and he jerked his wang upwards; Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wang up.

'LEAVE HIM ALONE!' Lily shouted,. She had her own wang out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

'Apologise to Evans!' James roared at Snape, his wang pointed threateningly at him.

'How can that come as a shock?' Hermione demanded, as she tapped each little square on Ron's timetable with her wang so that it flashed a different colour according to its subject.

And whipping out her wang, she caused Harry's books, bag and ink bottle to chase him and Ginny from the library, whacking them repeatedly over the head as they ran.

Umbridge came pelting out of her classroom as fast as her short legs would carry her. Pulling out her wang, she hurried off in the opposite direction; it was now or never.

And before Umbridge could say a word, they raised they're wangs.