Disclaimer: Still not mine.
A/N: A huge thanks to mingsmommy and losingntrnslatn. They always manage to make me better - no matter how hard I fight them.
"Hey." Grissom's voice was quiet, tentative. "My cab's here."
Sara turned to look at him. It was useless to ignore him. She knew he needed to do this and that he needed her to let him go.
"So, you're going." It wasn't a question. All the questions had been asked and answered, all the tears shed. There was nothing left for her to say. So, she fought back the urge to go to him, to kiss him and ask him to stay. Instead, she focused on getting through that one moment without embarrassing either of them.
"Yeah." His eloquence seemed to have disappeared. His eyes were on her, and he looked…sad. How was she supposed to let him leave when he looked so sad?
"I'll see you when you get back." Sara turned and grabbed her gun from her locker. Every cell in her body wanted him to leave. Just go. Now.
Instead, he stepped further into the room. Looking over his shoulder, he checked the hallway. Then, with his hands held rigidly at his sides, Grissom said, "I'll miss you."
Sara simply watched him. The words stuck in her throat, the air trapped in her lungs. Her heart was breaking and there was nothing she could do about it. She tried to smile at him and failed miserably. Without another word he was gone.
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you
"I've been asked to teach a class and I've accepted." Grissom carefully put the plate in the dish washer.
"That's great!" Sara smiled and walked over to wrap her arms around his waist. "Although, the two of us being on different shifts is going to put a serious crimp in our bedroom time."
Instead of the answering smile or the kiss she expected, he just pulled her close, hugging her tight. "It's not at WLVU, Sara."
At first she thought she had misunderstood. Surely, he had said it was at WLVU. Quietly, calmly, she asked, "What did you say?"
Releasing her, he stepped back. His fingers plowed through his hair, making the soft curls stand on end. "It's not at WLVU."
"Where…where is it?" Sara asked the question even though she knew she wouldn't like the answer. Inside she began to tremble.
"Massachusetts." He wasn't looking at her now, staring down into the empty sink instead. "Williams College."
Determined to keep him from seeing the hurt, Sara plastered on her biggest smile. "Great. That's great."
He actually looked relieved. Could he not read her any better than that? After two years couldn't he see that she was lying? Or did it just not matter?
"When are you leaving? May? June?" Even to her own ears her excitement sounded faked.
Without so much as a blink, Grissom said, "Next week."
She stared at him. Something in her mind, some little voice told her it was all a dream. She was going to wake up and he would be spooned behind her, his hand on her stomach, his right leg between hers. His breath would be steady against her shoulder. Hank would be snoring from his spot at her feet. Yeah. That's what it was. Just a dream.
He reached for her and she jumped. "Don't." Backing up, she couldn't take her eyes off him. "Don't touch me. If you touch me I'll know it's not a dream, that it's real."
"Sara, please…"
"I can't talk to you right now." She was frantically digging in her purse for her keys. Wrapping her hand around them, she walked to the door.
He was behind her then, his body warm and solid. "Please don't leave this way. I didn't mean to-…"
Again she cut him off. "You didn't mean to what? To spring this on me? To make a decision like this without even discussing it with me?" Her calm was slipping, burning away in the face of her fury. She turned around, pushing against his chest. "Well, 'didn't mean to' doesn't cut it."
"I'm sorry." Grissom stepped back.
"Sorry," she laughed. "You're sorry? Well, I guess that makes everything all better. Good. Great." She barked out a laugh, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. "Let's go to bed."
His cheeks flushed and she knew it was a sign his temper was rising. But she didn't care. He had no right to do this to her, to act as if she didn't matter. He couldn't just decide to go away for months and then tell her about it like it was an afterthought.
"I need to do this." Grissom's voice was deceptively calm. "Surely you can try to understand."
This time Sara barely managed to hold in a sob. "Oh, I understand. Really. You need a break…from this." She waved a hand back and forth between them. "But you could have told me sooner."
Grissom's anger boiled over. "This isn't about you, Sara. It's about me. It's about work. It's about watching Ernie Dell blow his brains out." He seemed to deflate before her eyes. "It's about not being able to breathe in this town anymore."
"You could have told me all that." Sara's eyes closed and she fought against the ache in her chest. "You should have told me all that."
"I've always dealt with these things on my own."
She shook her head, tears shimmering in her eyes. "You know, Gil, I have my own issues but you…you are fucked up, too."
When he simply stood there staring at her, Sara shook her head and moved through the door. It closed behind her with a quiet click.
"Asshole!" She choked back a sob as she backed out of Grissom's driveway.
Two years, two years, they had been together. Not inseparable, but together, ever since that day on her couch. She should have seen this coming. After all, neither of them was good at relationships. It was just a matter of time. If she was honest, Sara would admit she was surprised she hadn't been the one to break first.
So, considering all that, why did she feel like somebody had sucker punched her in the stomach? Why was she finding it hard to breathe?
When she got home, Sara went straight to the shower. Then and only then did she let the tears fall, crying beneath the pounding water until she felt clean both inside and out. Then she slipped into her favorite pajamas and pulled a beer out of the refrigerator.
This time he didn't knock. Instead, Sara heard the key rattling in the lock right before he pushed it open and walked inside.
Curled up in her favorite chair, Sara took a long swallow from the bottle that dangled from her hand. "What do you want?"
Moving over, he sat on the corner of the couch. "To explain."
Her lips twitched in what might have been an attempt to smile. "No explanation needed. I get it."
"No. You don't." Grissom pinched the bridge of his nose the way he did when he was fighting a headache, and Sara tamped down the urge to offer him comfort. "You think this is about you."
She chuffed out a laugh. "Isn't it?" He looked at her then, and she could see the pain in his eyes. Pain he had hidden from her. "Isn't it about you not trusting me enough to tell me before it came to this?"
"I do trust you."
"You trust me like you trust Nick or Warrick. And that's not the kind of trust I mean." She was calm, so very calm. All around her the world was coming to an end and she was calm.
He leaned back, his head dropping onto the back of the couch. He stared at the ceiling. "God, Sara, I really suck at this. I knew I'd suck at this."
Instead of answering, she merely watched him. Why hadn't she seen the lines around his mouth, the bags under his eyes, the slump to his shoulders? How had she missed all the signs?
"We both suck at this." She finished her beer and rose to get another. "You want a beer?"
Grissom lifted his head, a bemused look on his face. "Yeah. That would be good."
"You know," Sara began as she handed him the bottle, "I wish I could blame it all on you. It would make this easier."
"Make what easier?" When she didn't answer, he continued in a ragged whisper, "Are we done, Sara?"
Hearing the quiet resignation in his voice, Sara gave a rueful grin. "No. We probably should be. But, no."
They sat for awhile; her in the chair and he on the sofa, Sara lost in thought. Grissom regarded her with a silent wariness. When he had drained the last drop of beer from his bottle, he stood.
"I guess I should go."
Sara rose and took the bottle from him. "Stay," she said, carrying the empties to the recycling bin.
"Sara," Grissom rubbed a hand over his mouth, "I'm not sure that's a good idea. Not today."
She walked over to him and took his hand in hers. "It's late. You've been drinking. We're tired. Just sleep here."
"Are you sure?" He sounded uncertain and just a little bit cautious.
"I'm sure." She tugged him after her down the short hallway and into her bedroom.
They had just settled down, his hand on her stomach, his right leg between hers, when he asked, "Why do you put up with me?"
Snuggling back against him, she murmured, "Because no matter how hard it is to be with you, being without you really, really sucks."
'Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly,
My life would suck without you