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Next up, Yuki returns...enjoy!

Patient – Sohma Yuki; Session #125

Yuki had something on his mind. He wasn't saying anything about it, but I could tell from the expression on his face and from his mannerisms. I decided, though, it would be best to wait it out than to question him on it, because I was certain that he would bring it up himself during the session. All I had to do was carry along the discussion, and I felt positive that we would have a breakthrough, one that would perhaps assist Yuki in tackling and overcoming many of the emotional burdens he carried from his past.

"And why do you feel this need to please people so much, Yuki?" I asked.

"I want people to like me, I suppose," Yuki answered hesitantly.

"That's understandable, of course. Everyone wants people to like them, and it's important to be considerate of other people's feelings. However, at the same time, you don't want to compromise who you are, either. Are you afraid people won't like you if you're yourself?"

"No, I – I am myself," he replied awkwardly.

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"In the past you've told me that you put on a façade for others," I reminded him.

"I guess sometimes," Yuki admitted. Then, he said, "I'm sorry, it's just that I don't feel very comfortable talking about this."

"I understand," I smiled sympathetically, "But remember, everything discussed here stays completely confidential." My voice wavered a bit as I completed my sentence. I had been sure in the past that all my sessions were confidential, but now I was filled with uncertainty. Akito had found a way to look through my patients' files, although I had them locked away in a locked office. And while she had told me she had only read Kyou's, I wasn't positive whether or not that was true or if she had in reality read more (and if it was true, why did she choose Kyou's – "the cat's" – out of all of them to read). Ever since our very disconcerting session that morning, it had plagued my thoughts. Even after I relocated all my files to the safety of my home, where they were locked up tightly (except for the ones I would be using for the rest of the day, which I kept in my briefcase), I still felt as if they were unsafe. What's more, in all honesty, I wanted to question her more on it, but admittedly, was too frightened to do so. I knew she was unstable, and she needed some time to cool off (as did myself, truth be told) before I confronted her on it (in a calm and collected manner, of course). That left me with having to wait it out as all my questions gave me uncontrollable anxiety.

Yuki just nodded in response and glanced away, so I went on. "Well, is there anyone you do feel comfortable around, Yuki? Is there anyone who you can be yourself around?"

"Yes…there is someone - Miss Honda."

"That's good, Yuki, really very good. Now, what is it about this girl that makes you feel that you can be honest with her as opposed to other people?"

"I guess…I guess because she doesn't judge me or anyone else. It doesn't matter what flaws I might have, because she'll see right past them - she finds the good in everyone and everything. She is just a very caring, special person."

I grinned. "She sounds so," I told him. "And it's good for you to have a person like her in your life – someone you can open up to and be yourself with. You know, though, just as this girl likes you just the way you really are, you'll find that there are plenty of other people in this world who will also find the same good qualities in you if you let them."

"Perhaps that's true, Kazuki, but I'm afraid that I just can't believe it. As I said, she is a very special person. I don't believe that others could accept me in that same way, since I am the way I am."

"Why do you feel that way, Yuki?"

"Because I'm cursed with the rat. People will never understand that. And if – if I'm myself, they won't accept me, either. But people like people who are pleasant and agreeable, so that's what I strive to be."

"I'm sorry, but I'd have to disagree. People will like you as you truly are, if you give them a chance to. Can I ask you, though, when you started developing these thoughts? Can you remember?"

"Well, I, um," Yuki stuttered, becoming flustered. Finally, he said, "No, I don't remember. I've always felt this way."

"Are you sure?" I further questioned, easily realizing he wasn't being entirely honest.

"Yes, I'm sure," he confirmed, but he wouldn't look at me when he answered.

We were quiet for a moment. At last, I thought it was time to finally ask what was bothering him, as I was sure it had to do with what we had been discussing. "Yuki, is there something on your mind?"

"Huh?"

"It's just that you seemed maybe a bit preoccupied during our session and I thought something might be bothering you – something you might want to discuss?"

Yuki blushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to seem distracted."

"Oh no, it's perfectly all right," I assured him, "Really, it is. But I think it's important that you share what's been troubling you, so that we may work through it together."

"Well, actually," Yuki started reluctantly, "If you want to know, I was just wondering what happened here this morning?"

I blinked, surprised. "What?"

"Did something happen this morning, Kazuki?"

Now it was my turn to become flustered. "Why, whatever do you mean?" I feigned innocence.

"I heard Akito came by although his session wasn't until later in the afternoon."

"Yes, Akito was here…" I trailed off awkwardly. Then, I stated firmly, "But that's actually confidential."

"Oh," Yuki replied. "It's just that Momiji told us that there was a bit of a commotion. He didn't mean to overhear, but he said that there was some shouting…"

I cringed at the word "us;" how many people knew about Akito's visit to my office that morning? Swallowing hard, I managed to say, "Oh really?"

"Yes. Did you two have some sort of an argument?"

"No, I mean yes, but – I can't discuss this with you."

"I'm sorry," Yuki quickly apologized but added, "Can I just ask you one thing, though?"

"Um, sure," I replied with uncertainty.

"Is it true that Akito reads your session notes, Kazuki?"

I grimaced. That was one question I didn't want to answer. Forcibly, I stated, "No, that's not true. No one is allowed to read my notes, as they are confidential like I told you." I knew, in all actuality, that was a lie, but I was desperate to protect the integrity of my practice. After all, it's not like I let Akito read my files or that I didn't keep my confidential files locked up in the first place. Furthermore, I had just moved them to where I hoped would be a more secure location to further prevent anyone from reading them. Yet, despite this, I knew that Akito had read some of my notes – how much was still unclear – and that I should notify my patients of this possible breach, but for some reason (fear, pride, I do not know) I could not admit it.

"Okay," Yuki said, but he seemed unconvinced,. I couldn't blame him, though, since he had heard an account from Momiji about my session with Akito that morning. Immediately, I regretted having lied, for I knew I was damaging my practice's integrity more for not just being honest about the whole ordeal.

"So, then, um, where were we?" I started awkwardly once more, "Oh yes, we were discussing how you began developing your thoughts of insecurity, weren't we?"

"Yes, we were, but – " Yuki stopped and frowned.

"But?"

"I suppose I still don't feel comfortable talking about any of this right now," he hastily answered, before adding, "I'm sorry, Kazuki."

"No, I – I understand," I replied pleasantly, smiling and saying, "Why don't we move on then…" After that, our conversation spiraled into what best could be described as superficial prattle and a surface amiability, which underneath laid a terrible discomfort. Throughout, I felt waves of guilt, frustration, and dread, all stabbing at my insides and climbing up my throat. I had not been lying when I said I did understand, for in fact, I understood all to well. Yuki had plainly said it, even if he did so with a polite euphemism; all trust had been lost. Whatever he believed prior to session #125 didn't matter, because after it I was sure he had no faith whatsoever in my practice's confidentiality and, therefore, he would never be honest with me again. As a result, I knew all hope of progress was lost, and I was certain that I could expect similar reactions from my other patients once word got to them about Akito's violation (which, as it seemed, already had spread rather quickly).

In the end though, I could not blame Yuki for his reaction nor could I bring myself to be bitter, as much as I had wanted to convince myself that he was being unreasonable and unfair. After all, he already held so much fear toward Akito (why, it appeared, I would never fully learn), and I knew that the thought of her reading what he spoke about with me must have terrified him even more into putting on an act. Not to mention, I'm sure he had me figured to be a liar, and I guess rightfully so, although I doubted he took much time to be sympathetic toward my unfortunate situation nor the fact that I had very little control over what Akito had done.

With all that being said, I'd have to say the disappointment stung the harshest; it was safe to say, that all my hopes to save my family were crushed entirely that late afternoon. What was left was a strange and empty hole deep within me.