Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon. I only own tards.
(3 reasons why you don't give retards Pokemon)
Chapter 3:
It jumped into my Pokeball, I swear!
Dark clouds suffocated the twinkling stars in the night sky. The moon shone like a newfound penny casting dark long stretching shadows behind every twittering tree. Pokemon rumbled in the trees; sleeping or waiting for the scent of upcoming trainers, prey. Shabby grass tickled against each wild Pokemon's feet while the moon gazed down at this spooky forest. Tents scattered around the creepy forest each holding petrified trainers, trembling at the sounds of the snapping twigs and rustling leaves, their own pokemon snoring lightly paying no attention to the dangerous lurkings in these woods.
This was the
Viridian Forest!
"Mummy!"
"Please remove your hands from my breasts, Kirsty."
"Oops!"
Kirsty clung to Abbi's arm rubbing her nose on her shoulder, closing her eyes shut tightly while Squirtle dragged behind with Charmander who was singing to himself. Abbi sighed, kicking blades of grass as they followed the winding grass in the Viridian forest. Night had fallen; but neither trainer felt like stopping in these woods, not with the glaring bug pokemon in every patch of grass.
"Abbi... you got any food?" Kirsty stomach rumbled like a charging Electrabuzz.
"WHAT!? Your the one who is carrying the food, dumb ass."
"I kinda ate it all... with the heart break from the little boy in the straw hat... I miss him... do you miss his Weedle, Ashie-poo?"
Squirtle nodded and sighed while Charmander began to rub his shiny light blue skull. Squirtle sighed a deeper sigh and growled towards the laughing Charmander who was now swaying his lighten tail around madly.
"Soo... we haven't got any food?"
"Yup!" smiled Kirsty, "maybe we could go ba-"
Abbi swiftly picked up a crawling Caterpie near her blacken boots and slung it face first into Kirsty's open mouth. Kirsty's bum collided with the muddy floor with a Caterpie wiggling to escape its death. Squirtle rushed over, pulled the abnormally large Caterpie out of Kirsty's mouth, throwing the petrified Caterpie to the floor then snuggling into his master's breast.
"GO BACK!?"
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT! THAT COULD OF HURT ME! Even thought it looks terribly tasty like a hot dog..."
"Your an idiot," sighed Abbi, "I'll go find some berries, come on Humpy lets leave Krusty-burger to think about MacDonalds and other tasty treats she might want to buy at a store, if we had the money."
Abbi skipped towards an enclosed tree surrounding area covered with untrimmed bushes full of sleeping pokemon. Humpy gleefully attached to her leg, nuzzling it like a small child would nuzzle a teddy bear.
"Did I do something wrong?" Kirsty quizzed picking herself up off the ground.
"Squirt," sighed Ash "Squirtle..."
0o0o0
Unexpectedly in a nearby bush laid two binoculars behind them. Six pairs of beady eyes.
"I can't believe the boss made us tail these two!"
"Yeah! I know he collects rare-ish pokemon, but a Charmander and Squirtle? Can't he get them anywhere else than these two?!"
"The twerp used to have a Charmander and Squirtle,"
"Mum and Dad told us that story a million times, Meowth!"
"Yeah! About how they used to follow the new pokemon master Ash around like lost puppies..."
"Just don't do the same things me and your parents used to do in our youth," purred Meowth.
0o0o0o0
Abbi snatched handfuls of berries and placed them in Charmander's wide-open hands. Blue, black and green berries littered the small paws. Abbi looked up to the night sky and sighed.
"Pretty ladies, shouldn't sigh," smirked a pink haired boy, "especially when their is a handsome man around to take care of them."
Abbi glared towards the stranger who emerged from the bushes in a black uniform with a pink R stamped across his chest, the uniform was obviously too big for him and his hair was hung high in a pony tail, his eye's twinkled with mystery.
"You look about ten!"
"I'm actually 12 on the 4th of December, would you buy me a present, dumpling?"
"If I could hand you a bomb... then yes."
"Char!" growled Humpy dropping the berries to the ground, jumping in front of his master and swinging his tail, ready for a fight.
"What a cute little Charmander! I'll swap you a Magickarp for it!"
"Oh, please Magickarp are retard all they ever do is flop around, then flop around a little bit more and maybe make a good meal. But that's about it, Martha."
"Did you just call me Martha!?" growled the boy "My name is Jamie! I'm apart of the greatest team in the world, TEAM ROCKET! And I'm here to take that little Charmander of yours."
"Oh deary me... you're gonna fight me aren't you? How about I just smack you around with a stick or something... that would be a lot funnier," smirked Abbi reaching for the nearest branch until Jamie threw out his Pokeball to reveal a Zubat in mid-air.
"LOL! That pokemon is well ugly!" laughed Abbi clutching her stomach, "please tell me your not trying to make me laugh to death with an ugly contest or something. You'd win with that hair cut and that tin opener mouth of a pokemon!"
Humpy laughed equally as hard while Jamie's veins began to stand out on his forehead with pure anger!
"You woman; are evil... evil I say and your dress sense is like a clown on a day out down town!"
"HEY! My mum bought me this!"
"Enough of this talking. I'm here for your Charmander. Big nose." smirked Jamie.
"BIG NOSE?! IT'S JUST A LITTLE ON THE BUMPY SIDE. It's because I once ran into a tree and got an ice cream cone stuck to my nose... BUT YOU DIE NOW FOR INSULTING MY GODDESS LIKE BEAUTY!" shrieked Abbi.
"Zubat... bite!"
With that Zubat swept towards the Charmander, sinking its teeth around the Charmander's head. Humpy began to run around; blinded from the Zubat being enclosed around the whole of its head.
"CHARRRR!" screamed the small Charmander wailing its arms around madly.
"O no, you didn't! Charmander, use ember to burn the inside of this ugly tin openers mouth!"
Charmander blew out a mighty ember, forcing the Zubat to unlock its fangs from the Charmander's head, making the Zubat fumble to the ground. Charmander's head was blackened while the Zubat cried in pain.
"Now Charmander, let this Zubat bite the dust! Scratch attack; make sure you scratch an H for Humpy in the back of his head! ZORRO STYLE!"
"Zubat! Quick get up and fly!" urged Jack.
Unable to fly away while its mouth was still burning from the ember attack, Humpy neatly scratched a giant H on the back of the Zubat's head, making the Zubat twitched and faint at the same time.
"O YEAH! CHARMANDER IS HOT!" yelled Abbi, "In your face, girly boy!"
Jamie returned his Zubat with a smirk, running towards the Charmander's dancing in delight figure and sweeping him into a brown sack; dashing off down a croaked dirt path with a smirk on his face.
"Seeya later; hot stuff."
Abbi stunned from what had just happened stopped from whooping with joy, turned towards the disappearing figure, mouth slightly agape.
"Did he-he just-what the-Humpy?"
"HE JUST JACKED MY CHARMANDER!" yelled Abbi following in suit of the team rocket member.
0o0o0o0
"Repeat after me Squirtle... Jesus lived for us and died for us."
"Squirt… squirtle… squirt!" smiled the Squirtle clapping in glee.
"What a cute little Squirtle!" cooed a short blue haired girl "Are you teaching it about, Jesus?"
"Why yes!" Kirsty answered smugly, "This is Ash! He likes boobies!"
"SQUIRTLE!" Ash leaped into the stranger's boobies, rubbing his head deeply into them both, sighing with pleasure.
"AHHH!" the short blue haired screamed falling down to the ground with a thump, "THAT IS VILE! If my mother could see your pokemon she would make it beg for mercy at her feet! The alm-".
"Hey! Is that an R on your t-shirt?" questioned Kirsty.
"Why yes it is! I'm apart of an organisation called Team Rocket... The uniform is usually black, but they didn't have my size so I had to borrow my mother's old uniform... its very comfortable and brings out my dazzling eyes, don't cha think?"
"HOLY POKEMON. Ash Ketchum battled baddies like you! Team Rocket are evil like AshxMay shippers!" squeaked Kirsty pulling her Squirtle into her own breasts, "What do you want you... man!"
"I'M A WOMAN! This hair cut is all the range nowadays! But seen as you wear yellow tights...then I guess you don't know what fashion is!"
"I so do! AshxMisty tops never go out of style like Croc shoes!"
"... Whatever... I'm here to collect that little Squirtle of yours!"
"Not Ashie-poo!" cried Kirsty.
With that the Rocket member flung out a pokeball revealing a Clefairy.
"Wow... so kawaii!" Kirsty was dazzled by the small pokemon's cuteness.
"Squirt!" growled Ash unfazed by the cuteness of the pokemon.
"Clefairy, pound!"
Clefairy landed a clean punch on the Squirtle's inside of the shell, knocking it backwards.
"It's even so cute when it punches, Ashie-poo!" Kirsty smiled lopsided clasping her hands together in delight.
Ash sighed letting out a stream of bubbles from its open mouth, missing the Clefairy completely. Clefairy smiled and rested another pound, this time on the Squirtle's head forcing the Squirtle to stumble.
"Awww... your Squirtle is losing... I bet my mother won your little idol Ash Ketchum all the time!" cooed the team rocket member, "I bet he used to cry like a little weeping willow without any food!"
"SAY WHA- Ash tackle that whale's pokemon!"
Clefairy couldn't dodge the oncoming tackle as it fell to the floor, only to stand up to receive another swift tackle to its behind causing the Clefairy to pant heavily with cuts and bruises on its pale pink skin. Squirtle equally tired and bruised.
"Seems both our pokemon are quite similar levels," smirked the blue haired girl returning her Clefairy, "How about I just snatch your pesky Squirtle!"
"Jasmine!" squeaked Jamie rushing through a thorn bush; Charmander wiggling inside to be free, "One of them tards was following me! I think I shook her off by diving into that bush! Lets get out of here!"
"Shut up Jamie, we need to take care of, Missus Ketchum here," smirked Jasmine reaching for a second pokeball, "your done for!"
"Eeek! Where is Abbi?!" yelled Kirsty falling to her knees.
0o0o0o0o0
Abbi panted as she clutched onto a nearby rock; she was out of breath running after that slim ball of Team Rocket. She unbuckled her black boots and rubbed her feet genteelly; her eyes scanning the woods for a glimpse of that scum.
"My poor baby feet," cried Abbi, "they might turn out like mushrooms. All soggy and dome like."
"Pika?" surprisingly a curious Pikachu stood on top of the rock sniffing Abbi's hands questioning what it was.
Abbi turned her head slowly and sneered at the Pikachu.
"You look like Kirsty..."
"Pika?"
"Pika back to you... I bet you're swearing at me or admiring my good looks, yes?" smirked Abbi
"Chu?"
"Are you mentally retarded... was you dropped on your head little Pikachu... I was too... into a fish tank as well."
"Pika!"
"Ahh so you was!"
"Pika! Pika! Pika!" quickly the Pikachu ran the full length of Abbi's arm and perched himself on top of her head. Nuzzling his bottom and tail into the silk smoothness of her bouncy blonde hair.
"Please tell me your not going to the poo department on my head," cried Abbi.
"Pika..." sighed the Pikachu dreamily.
"Mmmm... You want to be my furry little hat? Well done! I give you seven out of ten... you might raise my hot appeal even more!" cried Abbi slipping her black boots back onto her tiny feet and buckling them up.
"I wonder if pokemon realise that their always naked..." sighed Abbi.
A distance scream of Kirsty echoed into Abbi's eardrums. Abbi quickly turned towards the scream and setting of gallantly down a worn out grass path towards the sound. Pikachu scrambled quickly on top of Abbi's head and held tightly onto her hair.
"If I go bald... I blame you! Pikachu! Don't you worry, I know where you live and where your family lives and yes I do own a bomb factory so I'd be very careful if I was you!" yelled Abbi climbing over a thorn bush.
"Pika! Pika!" cried the Pikachu as it swirled around on top of Abbi's head, wagging its tail in confusion.
Abbi tumbled forward and landed on her back right next to Kirsty, who was picking her nose while crying about her fainted Squirtle. A giant Kingler had picked up Squirtle in its giant jaw crushing pincer, crushing Squirtle's shell a bit while scurrying towards his trainer.
"Mother... I have decided to become Britney Spears," cried a confused Abbi, "I'll protect the poisoned hamsters with my giant pin-pong ball of justice!"
"Abbi!" cried Kirsty her finger still stuck up her nose, "They've got Ashie-poo! Quick use Humpy! And were the heck is the food you was going to get me! I'm still very hungry you know, it has been good few hours since I last ate!"
"Yes, we finally won a mission, Jasmine!" cried Jamie tightening his grip on the flameproof sack that held Humpy the Charmander.
"Don't say that Jamie! It makes us look like noobs! YES, we have won many pokemon like this before, you two retard pokemon trainers! I feel quite sorry for your pokemon for having to put up with you!" cried Jasmine with an identical laugh to Jessie.
"Pika?" cried the Pikachu who scurried onto Abbi's belly sniffing the air.
"A Pikachu!" cired Team rocket, "We must get him as well!"
"Abbi, when did you get a Pikachu! I wanted a Pikachu and a lovely roast dinner and you get me neither you selfless non-Jesus lover!" cried Kirsty while Abbi shook her head still confused from her fall.
"Kingler drop Squirtle and crab hammer the Pikachu!" cried Jasmine.
"Ooo, I should of brought popcorn!" cried Jamie, "This is just like the movies Jasmine, me the handsome loveable rogue and you my ugly sister with no taste who is battling two fair retards for their pokemon!"
Jasmine growled.
Pikachu swiftly dodged the oncoming crab hammer attack; tilted his head while sparks began to fly out of his redden cheeks. Kingler swung another of his giant claws at Pikachu who gracefully dodged and landed on top of Kirsty's head; snuggling down for a quiet nap.
"Ahhh!" cried Kirsty as the Kingler swung his claw towards Kirsty who just dodged the powerful attack with rolling on top of Abbi.
"Abbi wake up! Stop asking for a giant piece of chalk to decode love messages from Hugh Jackman and get your scrawny butt moving!" cried Kirsty rolling off Abbi, Pikachu still attached firmly to Kirsty's head, falling into a light sleep.
"Kingler use bubble beam!"
"AHHH. JESUS I BEEN A GOOD NUN FOR THE 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE WHY IS A GIANT CRAB ATTACKING ME!?" cried Kirsty rolling around on the blades of grass trying to avoid the oncoming bubbles.
"Hold still and let me have that Pikachu!" Jasmine cried.
"BE GONE EVIL ROCKET!" cried a manly voice.
0o0o0o0
A large plump man jumped down from a low branch, caped in tight leather black trousers with an open buttoned shirt to show off his hairy chest and portly figure to the rest of the world. A large towel was tied around his neck that had white masking tape stuck to it, spelling out the letter K.
"I am the mighty Karlos!" cried the plump man, "unhand these sweet children's pokemon or feel my wrath." Reaching towards his pokemon belt he plucked out two poke balls and threw them neatly in front of him to reveal a Vileplume and an Ivysaur.
"Who ordered the freak in a cape!?" cried Jamie, his fingers loosing on the bag.
"Ooo I did!" cried Kirsty sitting up.
"Thank you, young damsel! Vileplume and Ivysaur vine whip Kingler!"
"Vile!"
"Saur!"
Both pokemon hit the Kingler with direct hits before it had time to react. Kingler fainted dropping the Squirtle to the floor, which rolled feebly towards Karlos's feet, who gently picked up the pokemon.
"Ivysaur. Grab that bag on the other Rocket!" cried Karlos.
Ivysaur nodded and obeyed, snatching the wiggling bag away from the rocket who protested by screaming and hiding behind his twin sister, Jasmine. Jasmine grunted and returned her fainted Kingler.
"You haven't seen the last of us two!" cried Jasmine, " Without this freak in a cape you would of been mince meat!"
"Yes! Even beans on toast," cried Jamie as they both scattered off into the distance.
"Thank you!" cried Kirsty bowing down to the masked man.
"It's ok Kirsty! As long as you baby-sit for me and Nicole some time!" smirked Karlos returning his two grass pokemon.
"Uncle Karl?"
"NO ITS KARLOS!" cried Karlos, "Its my superhero name! I cannot let your blonde friend know its me in this mask!" Karl pointed to the still confused Abbi who was tottering to her feet.
Karlos handed Kirsty her fainted Squirtle that she instantly returned into his pokeball.
"I must be off now young one! Can I ask before I go? Vileplume has a bit of an itch Kirsty, do you know any good medicine that can stop it?"
"Rumple tumble bum cream!" Kirsty smiled, "It stopped my itch ages ago!"
"Thank you dear, damsel! I shall return to my sweet cookie lips and munch on a wonderful pot roast she has left me while I search the woods for hooligans who are disrupting the peace!"
"Thanks, Mister Karlos!" waved Kirsty.
"In the morning Nicole and me will be waiting for you when you head out of this forest! Nice Pikachu by the way," with that Karlos departed into the night, his cape swirling in the night sky.
"Pika?" Pikachu arose from a sleepy daze.
"A whole lot of good you were! Even though your mega kawaii!" cried Kirsty, "I think you should be apart of my wonderful pokemon team! The tribute to Ash Ketchum team!" cried Kirsty untangling the wiggling brown bag.
"Char!" cried Humpy marching towards his Trainer who had just shaken off her confusion.
"Humpy! My sweet little bumble bee! How did you get out!? I was just thinking about eating a bar of soap!" cried Abbi scooping her Charmander into her arms.
"Abbi! Where the hell are my berries?! I don't care that your Charmander got kidnapped and you got confused with a fall from a thorn bush! You dropped the berries and I'm still hungry!" cired Kirsty holding her belly.
Abbi gave a quick slap onto Kirsty's forehead.
"Pika?" Pikachu jumped down from Kirsty's head and jumped onto Abbi's shoulder; nuzzling into the crook of Abbi's neck. Little sparks flying out of his cheeks with happiness as he yawned.
"And I so wanted a Pikachu! And you nabbed one!" cried Kirsty "Have you caught it yet?"
"No... Why would I want a stupid Pikachu!"
"Chu!" angered the Pikachu as he crawled down Abbi's body towards her pockets.
"Awwh look how cute it is!" cooed Kirsty, "Not as cute as my little Ashie-poo though."
With a rumbled of its tail, the Pikachu carefully flung a pokeball out of Abbi's pocket, which landed on the floor, making it extend in size. Pikachu gladly jumped down towards the pokeball and sniffed it.
Instantly a red light appeared as the Pikachu was sucked into the pokeball. No struggle was made in the pokeball as the pokeball gave off a loud ding.
Abbi had unwillingly caught a Pikachu!
"WHA?!" Abbi and Kirsty cried in unison.
"Char!" growled Charmander; not liking the idea of sharing his trainer with this Pikachu.
Kirsty growled and sneered at Abbi.
"It jumped into my pokeball, I swear!" cried Abbi.
o0o0o0o0o0
Abbi: Rolfo at Karlos
Kirsty: -glare-
Abbi: Rolfo he looks like you
Kirsty; -glare-
Abbi; Rolfo he talks like you
Kirsty: I WANTED A PIKACHU!
Next chapter! We meet Kirsty's uncle and auntie as Abbi and Kirsty attempted to win a gym battle by double battling!