Wow, it's been months since I updated this! I'm so sorry. Trust me, it's not that I forgot about this story; it's just that when you're a junior in college, things like papers, midterms, and finals plus extracurricular responsibilities really get in the way of fun writing time. Anyway, I hope that people have not forgotten about Kazuki's story, but maybe you can brush up by re-reading some of the earlier chapters, if you'd like. In any event, I have a few weeks off before Spring semester, so I really hope to get this finished before things become overwhelming again.
Well, unfortunately, there's no session for this chapter. I'm excited to go back to that format, as it's a lot of fun, but an interlude was really necessary to progress the story along. However, I really enjoyed writing this whole part, primarily for its surrealness and some of its symbolism, and I hope you all enjoy reading it, too. Thanks!
Please note, the Christianity references are, again, not suppose to be offensive. If they are, I apologize, because I myself am Christian, and I would never want to offend someone in regards to religion. However, the allusions to Christianity are, admittedly, meant to appear twisted, but only to show how twisted Akito's interpretation of the religion is.
Very confused and extremely tired, I left my mother's house early in the evening, the sun just having slipped behind the horizon. It had grown even colder than it was during the day, and I was shivering slightly in the crisp night air. Immediately, I regretted that I didn't take a coat in the morning, as my navy suit jacket didn't provide much warmth against the almost wintry temperatures. Fortunately, though, it wasn't a long walk back to my home, and I had a lot on my mind to distract me from the cold.
Once home, I mustered enough energy to quickly bathe and groggily crawl into bed, not even bothering to do some reading. As I slowly drifted to sleep, my mind raced with thoughts of Boston and my mother's disappointment when I told her about Professor Jammerson's proposal, of my failing practice and my depressing family, and of Akito and of how terribly disconcerting she truly was. It didn't take long, though, for me to fall asleep, and when I finally did, I had probably the most disturbing nightmares that I have ever had in all of my twenty six years…
"Kazuki!"
Startled, I fluttered my eyes open. "Mother? Are you in here?" Alert, I sat up in bed and anxiously looked around; it certainly sounded as if her voice was coming from nearby.
"Come on, Kazuki!" My mother's gentle, sing-song voice called out again, and she giggled. "Let's go – everyone's waiting!"
"Mother, I – huh?" I glanced down. There, beside my bed, was my mother standing at about nine inches and staring up at me with bright eyes. She gave me a wave and a smile. "Why, mother what happened? You've shrunk!"
Laughing again, she beckoned, "Hurry, Kazuki, hurry! We're all waiting!" Then she skipped away from the side of my bed and toward my bedroom's door, humming cheerfully to herself. Quickly, I threw off my covers and stood up, wrapping my robe over my thin cotton pajamas. My mother, meanwhile, slipped through the doorway, the door having been slightly ajar. Without a second thought, I followed her.
Yet, as soon as I left behind the comforts of my bedroom, I stepped outside into one of the sunny pathways of the Sohma family estate, wearing a traditional dark green kimono (something I admittedly have not worn in years). As is typical with most dreams, I didn't recognize the oddity in such a random change in setting and instead concerned myself with the light tugging at the bottom of my kimono. Looking down, I saw much of my family frolicking at my feet, all approximately nine inches tall. There was Momiji, Yuki, Haru, Hatori, Ayame, Kisa, Hiro, and Ritsu, as well as my mother and my great uncle Kaji who had been dead for about a decade. Yet, Kyou was nowhere to be found, nor was Akito or Shigure. "What happened to you all?" I managed to stammer in sheer bafflement.
"What makes you think something happened to us, my dear Kazuki?" Ayame questioned, "After all, you're the one who's so tall!"
"Well I – "
"Ayame's right," Hatori agreed, his tone, as always, dispassionate, "Something must have happened to you, as you seem to be a giant."
"I'm not a giant," I insisted, "You all shrunk!"
"Then, if that's so, you must have been the one who shrunk us," Yuki stated.
"Kazuki always did like to tower over people, didn't he?" Momiji commented and Haru nodded in agreement.
"That's not true!" I immediately protested when I felt a harsh tug at my kimono. I turned to see my mother smiling up at me.
"Don't worry, Kazuki, I'll always love you no matter how tall you are." She laughed and then said to the others, "Come on everyone! I've made everyone something delicious to eat!" With that, they all ran off, my mother leading the way.
"But wait!" I called after them and tried in vain to follow. To be honest, in the dream, I was quite surprised at how fast such tiny people could be. However, suddenly I heard a cry to my right. Sharply, I turned my head toward this disturbance.
Only a short distance away, I saw three very familiar little boys gathered outside one of the nearby homes. I studied them for a bit, before my eyes gradually moved to one of the house's windows, where a fourth boy, a year or so younger than the others, was peeking out in order to spy on the activities transpiring outside. "Is that me?" I wondered aloud as I slowly walked toward the home. When I was closer, I could make out all the children. There was Hatori, standing very quietly, and Ayame, silvery white hair just above his shoulders, with tears streaming down his eyes. And then my eyes fell upon Shigure, a six year old boy with his arms crossed and an expression of self-righteousness across his face. They were all gathered outside my house, the very same one my mother still resided in.
"Oh my," came a female voice, and I watched as my frantic mother emerged from our home, hair disheveled as always and eyes filled with worry. "Why are you crying Ayame?"
"Shigure broke my toy, Aunt Tomiko!"
"Oh my…" my mother muttered, biting her lower lip nervously. Memories quickly fled back to me about my mother's very infrequent but usually disastrous adventures in babysitting, and I knew that the rest of my family must have been desperate if they had left her alone to tend to the three boys (I suppose she was quite fortunate in having me as her only son, since I was so well-behaved as a child). Weakly, she said, "Well, I'm sure it was an accident."
"No, no it wasn't! He broke it on purpose!"
"Is that true?" my mother asked Shigure.
Shigure remained stubbornly quiet but Hatori now spoke; "He did do it on purpose, yes."
My mother's face grew very grave now and, as if heartbroken, she asked, "Shigure, why would you do such a mean thing?"
"Because, he used my toy without permission," the six year old answered.
"Now, Shigure, you should apologize," my mother suggested desperately.
"No – he deserved it!"
"You mustn't be so selfish, Shigure. You're always so selfish." My mother suddenly said very grimly. Her tone was no longer light and melodious, but exceptionally serious, something which I myself had rarely experienced. "Such a selfish, selfish boy. But you mustn't be, Shigure, the birds have told me."
"That's right, Shigure," Ayame agreed, wiping his eyes, "You are selfish! Selfish, selfish, selfish!"
Shigure just smiled and remarked coolly, "Well, at least my toy's not broken," before running off.
Ayame burst back into tears as Hatori tried to say, "Don't worry, Ayame, I'll try to fix your toy…"
"Oh no!" my mother in the meantime shouted to Shigure with dismay, "Please come back, Shigure. Your parents will be so upset with me…"
With this, my attention then turned to myself at five years of age, watching the whole thing with curious, inquisitive blue eyes. Yet, before I had much time to recollect the incident further, other voices were calling out. They all sounded aghast and absolutely disgusted and several gasps were uttered. At once, I knew immediately what was happening. With dread, I spun around and when I did, I found myself eleven years younger, wearing my school uniform. It appeared that I had just returned home to my family's estate on a bright, sunny afternoon to find a large commotion occurring outside the largest house at the Sohma residency, the house of our supposed "god."
"There you are, Kazuki, dear!" my mother exclaimed, running up to me with wild eyes and trembling hands.
"Mother, what is all this?" I began, quite confused as a sickening feeling developed deep within me.
"Our young god has revealed the cat's true form!" my mother exclaimed, her voice ringing oddly; her tone, her mannerisms, her expression – they all indicated that she had witnessed what she believed was a truly divine, holy event. "What a terrible, beautiful thing!" My eyes glanced apprehensively around, darting from family member to family member and studying there horrified faces, some even visibly sick.
Then, the familiar stench came back to me. It was sickeningly putrid and I instinctively clasped my hand over my nose to block it out as best as I could. I resisted the waves of nausea that crept through me and, unable to contain my curiosity, I approached the crowd in an effort to see the cat's true form with my own two eyes. My mother's voice, distant, warned me, "Kazuki, you mustn't look at such a dark, unholy thing for too long!"
Ignoring her, I managed to push myself past my family members, moving faster and faster as I grew closer. As I neared, it grew harder to breath, and I did not move my hand from my nose. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I stumbled to the front of the crowd and my young eyes fell onto it, onto what had only been a short time before a four and a half year old boy. No evidence of that boy remained, though; instead, a grotesque beast stood in his place. It screeched out, the sound it made excruciating and ear piercing, yet at the same time, tragically pained. At first, I immediately loathed the revolting monster for I was truly frightened, and I felt such an urge to run, but could not do so for my whole body was frozen in shocked terror.
However, just when I thought I was going to vomit in absolute disgust, the words of a middle-aged woman rung into my left ear so clearly that it was almost as if everything around us was utterly silent: "What a disgusting, filthy thing that child truly is."
I swallowed down my vomit, the nausea fading, and my heart began beating faster. Another person's words came to me: "We have to get rid of that wretched thing – he doesn't belong with the rest of us!"
And another: "How horrible, how horrible!" Soon, my vision grew blurry, and I could only make out a rough outline of the cat's figure in a haze of color. The voices were becoming intense, their words racing through my head to the point where I couldn't tell who was saying what or if anyone was really saying anything at all.
"Daddy, daddy, I don't like him! I won't play with him ever!"
"It's so gross!"
"The cat needs to be locked up as it was before!"
"What a disgrace to this family! An absolute disgrace!"
Then, all was silent as my eyes focused in on a young Akito, around nine years old, dressed in a red kimono, and glaring venomously down at what she herself had revealed. I stared at her for a very long time before the quiet was shattered.
"Kazuki, why are you blonde?" A six year old boy asked. The scene of the monstrous spectacle disappeared around me, and I found that I had returned to my age once again. Only a short distance away were two little boys, as well as myself at six years old. We were walking across the Sohma Family residency grounds on a cloudy day.
"I don't know…" my younger self answered, staring at the ground.
"And why are your eyes blue?" the second boy continued the interrogation.
"Yeah, you're mother doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes," the first one pointed out. I watched myself timidly shrug, eyes still glued to the ground.
"Is it because your mom was a whore? That's what my mom told her friends. She said you shouldn't have even been able to live, because Aunt Tomiko was a whore and shamed our family," said the second one.
"I don't know…" my younger self replied once more, obviously having not a clue as to what the word "whore" meant, but equally apparent that even as a child I knew it could be anything but good.
"Well, where's your father, Kazuki, huh?" the first one questioned some more.
"I don't have a father."
"Everyone's got a father!" The first one snapped.
"I don't."
"Yeah, you do," the second one piped up, "He just doesn't love you. That's what my mom says. If he did, he'd be around, you know."
"Oh, really?" the first one asked with curiosity, "That explains it. I always hear the older kids saying stuff about Aunt Tomiko, about how she's nuts and all. My parents say it, too, and that I shouldn't hang out with you because you're a disgrace to the family. They're always saying how she's crazy."
"That's why nobody likes you Kazuki, because you're father doesn't love you! Nobody wants to be friends with someone whose own father doesn't even like him!" The other one snickered cruelly.
The first one laughed, "That's right! And whose mom is crazy!"
"My mother isn't crazy!" I suddenly shouted with uncontrolled anger from where I watched in the distance. Neither the boys nor my younger self heard, but as soon as I disrupted the conversation, the memory was abruptly over, and I was again faced with another commotion at my family's estate. "What's going on?" I asked to no one, for I was standing alone. However, it did not take long for me to figure out was happening on my own.
I could see seventeen year old Kyou struggling and crying out as he was dragged by two tall men toward the dark prison that had been used for the other cats that had come before him. Kazuma was a distance away, lying still on the ground. The rest of the family, save Shigure who was strangely missing, stood silently observing the scene, Kagura sobbing softly and some of the others looking uncomfortable but compliant. Akito stood in the shadows, only her sinister, triumphant grin visible to my eyes.
Instinctively, I yelled, "Stop!" I went to run forward in the hopes to interfere with what was occurring, but I quickly felt strong arms wrap around me and hold me back.
"There's no use," explained Shigure, grasping me firmly.
"Let me go!" I told him, "I've got to stop this!"
"You can't save us, don't you see?" Shigure said lightly, "Why do you still think you can?"
My whole body began to tremble and I helplessly shouted, "Please, stop! Please! You don't have to do this!"
"He's just the cat, Kazuki," my cousin went on, "Nobody really cares about the cat, except for you."
As I watched them throw Kyou into that small dungeon, I felt my legs weaken as I cried out, "Why are you all standing there? Why are you all standing there?" It was happening too fast, and I felt powerless as I fought to no avail to break free of Shigure's strong grip.
"Well, it's all over now," Shigure remarked nonchalantly. He released me, and I crumbled to my knees. "The cat is locked up, just as tradition dictates he deserves."
"But it's not his fault he was born that way…it's not my fault…"
I lowered my head and knelt there alone for some time as all else around me began to vanish. Then, I heard the soft sound of church music. I raised my head to see that I was kneeling before the large doors of a grand cathedral. Without thinking, I stood up and pushed the double doors open, the bright white light of the outside pouring into the gothic structure. The music continued, peacefully echoing throughout the empty place of worship, and I slowly walked down the center aisle, my footsteps eerily resonating with each step. To the right of the altar, I saw Professor Jammerson playing the organ, while the rest of my former classmates from my days at Oxford and Harvard were singing in the choir. However, I did not have much time to contemplate this, for I had just raised my eyes to the very large cross hanging above the altar.
There, hanging on the cross, was Akito, draped in a tiger striped shawl and looking exceptional pale and sickly. Her hands and feet were nailed, but she wore a crown of shimmering gold. Deep red blood poured excessively down her fair limbs and dripped onto the white cloth that covered the altar. Blood also trickled out of her mouth, and the most rancid odor I had ever smelled came from her almost dead body. She raised her lowered head high and opened her eyes, more blood tearing from them, and said, "I am god." Then, I threw up.
And I awoke throwing up. I had broken out into a cold sweat, and with a touch of my forehead, I could tell I had a high fever. Struggling, I stumbled out of bed, out of my room, and down the hall, feeling very woozy and exceptionally dizzy; it was all for me to do not to collapse. Reaching my phone, I instinctively rang my mother, who as always tried to pretend she knew my call was coming (although I had to call her twice, as she slept through the first time I rang her) and told me she'd be over right away. I weakly hung up the phone and staggered to the only traditional room I had in my small house, where I laid down on the tatami floor, feeling too ill to unfold a futon for myself. Then, I drifted out of consciousness, waking up a while later to find myself laying on a futon with a cold compress on my forehead. Slowly opening my eyes, I could see my mother pacing nervously, her hair as unkempt as ever. To my left side knelt Hatori, and I felt my stomach flip inside me; I was in no mood to have Hatori see me in such a state.
"Oh, he's waking up!" my mom cried out in a shrill. I managed to give her a weak smile.
"Hatori, what are you doing here?" I asked foolishly. It was obvious Hatori thought so too.
"You had a very high fever. It's gone down some," he explained, taking my left arm and beginning to clean it.
"I feel fine now," I lied. Truth be told, while I certainly did feel better than I did when I initially woke up, I still felt very ill. Hatori did not bother answering me.
"It's because you weren't wearing a jacket today. It was so cold and all you had on was your suit," my mother said.
"Mother, I was hardly outside," I argued.
My mother shook her head. "Oh, what will you do when you're away from here, Kazuki dear? What if you are to get sick when you are back in America? Who will take care of you then? Who will you call? You'll be all alone!"
"Please, Mother, now is not the time – "
"You're not going," Hatori interjected, beginning it as a statement before segueing into a question, "are you?"
"Well, I – "
"Because, Akito has made it clear – "
At this, I grew unexpectedly angry; "You know, I was thinking,Hatori, thatI actually am going to go. Unlike the rest of our depressingly dependent family, I'm not going toallow Akito to control my life or the decisions I make." As I came to my heated conclusion, I felt a very painful jab in my left arm. Uttering a small cry and wincing, I glanced down to see Hatori finish giving me a shot. "That hurt," I snapped.
Hatori didn't bother to acknowledge my admittedly childish complaints, although I'm still quite sure he was purposefully rough when administering the injection. "You should begin to feel better in a few hours," he simply stated, collecting his belongings and rising. "I'll give you a call this evening to check your status." He then turned to my mother, "Have a good day, Aunt Tomiko."
My mother nodded as she and I watched him leave. "Oh, Kazuki," my mother spoke gravely once he had left, "What has become of you? You speak such blasphemy!"
"Mother…" I groaned, falling back on my futon. "I really don't want to hear this now."
"You must!" It was the only time I could remember her speaking so severely to me. Immediately, I felt my stomach grow sick again, and my skin began to prickle uncomfortably. I glanced over at her to see her hands trembling as she continued in a quivering voice, "Kazuki, I am very worried for you. Why did you upset your cousin, who so kindly came here so early to care for you? What gratitude did you show him?"
"Mother, please – "
"But that's not it, Kazuki – that's just a small matter. It's your pride. Oh, for my son to have fallen so far! You were to save this family, but all you have done is work to destroy it. You – you think you know, but you are foolish, naïve…and so self-righteous! But it's my fault, isn't it? I should have never allowed you go to that place to begin with, and now you want to go back? Against your god's wishes? You are a shame to your family!"
I was quiet for a moment and simply stared up at the ceiling, my eyes wandering from the areas of shadow to where the light reflected off. Then, I nervously asked, "But mother, at least, well, at least you're not ashamed of me, are you?"
"Kazuki, dear, that doesn't matter. You are in great danger, don't you see? The curse will not allow for you to continue as you have. It's why your sick now, I'm most certain of it. Oh, and the terrible, terrible visions that I've been sent. I'm afraid you will be swallowed up if you don't do as you're expected. Please, Kazuki, listen to me, the warning is clear - you must stop this sacrilege."
"Mother, I – " My voice cracked as I stared at her, her eyes wide with fear and disappointment. I couldn't finish, so I gently told her, "Would it be all right if we discuss this later?"
My mother gave me a weak nod and stood up. "I'll just be in the kitchen, making you a light breakfast."
"Thanks." I watched her leave the room, swaying as she walked. Then, I closed my eyes. In all my life, I don't think I ever felt as miserable as I did at that moment, even with all the terrible sessions I had to endure with Akito and the rest of my family members. But that was because my mother was something entirely different. Throughout out all the cruelty and obnoxious attitudes I could expect from my relatives, I could always depend on her to be on my side. Yet, could I really rely on her any longer? I mean, how could she say that whether or not she was ashamed of me "didn't matter," when it mattered most of all?
Simply put, my mother's rejection stung more than anything else the rest of my family had ever said or done to me (and as previous sessions indicate, that was quite a lot). After all, she was the only person in my entire family I can honestly say I cared about.