Lawls. Sorry I haven't updated in so long.

So here I am, at the hospital. No. Not seriously at the hospital, but like, in the play's hospital that is fakely made out of cardboard and other stuff. The hospital that is probably going to topple down and squish - hopefully? I'm gonna cross my fingers - Mayuri and therefore effectively kill him. It's always the scientific ones that always succumb in the end to something that is really, really weird. Such as a cardboard hospital.

Right, but, basically, if you didn't read the last chapter, I was supposedly stabbed by Ishida, but since he was dragged off stage halfway through the scene by a pregnant Ulquiorra wearing a maternity swimsuit, we had Renji stab me instead. And of course, being the stupid person that he is (Byakuya is a brave, brave man, I have to say) he decided that he would just stab himself with a spork too, to fit in. And he instantly had to be deported to a real hospital because he was bleeding all over the place. And then I was taken to the cardboard hospital and then in Scene Three, Matsumoto is supposed to come in, sit by my bedside, and mourn over my bruised, broken, and battered body.

Scene Three: Lights, (No) Camera, (Too much) Action!

Right. So I'm lying in a bed, with "bandages" aka toilet paper stained with a broken red pen mixed with water to resemble blood all over me. This bed was extremely hard, I have to tell you. I mean, if I'm going to be lying in a bed, can I at least get a softer bed? For the love of all religions, people, I would really like not to have back problems. Otherwise I'll become a hunchback and then get featured in Disney movies that tell lies about me and then have people throwing tomatoes at me and then claiming that it's rated G when it should be rated PG-13 for making fun of disabled people! But whatever. Point is, the bed was really hard. Like, harder than the floor, if that's even possible.

Anyway, so there's two chairs by my bed. One is for Matsumoto, the other one is for Yumichika. Do you remember how at the beginning of the play I introduced the cast? Or did you just skip ahead to the second chapter? Well, whatever. If you didn't read the cast things at the first chapter, then I'll let you know right now that it's very bad to skip chapters in a book because you might miss some essential information. But whatever. Yumichika's supposed to be in love with me, as the guy who's in love with the main guy. Now, this is actually not as bad as having, say, Kenpachi as the guy who's in love with the main guy. Because Kenpachi would probably kill me with all that "Zaraki-style loving." That guy needs to lay off the meth...it's making him stronger instead of higher.

Yeah. So Matsumoto just came sauntering in, and there were several nose explosions off stage, which in turn caused my bandages to be stained with real blood because of the projectile explosions. Yeah. She has that effect on people.

So she was sitting by my bedside in one of the chairs, and pretending to cry her eyes out over my broken and battered body. In reality, of course, she was laughing so hard that she was crying. How kind. If your captain was bleeding to death, wouldn't you be scared for your life because all the responsibility would then be placed on you? I mean, this is a hypothetical situation, but you know. It could totally happen!

Anyway, she was laughing and looking like she was crying when Yumichika came in. He was all, "Oh, Woe is me. Whatever am I going to do now that you are in the hospital and we can no longer see each other every day? Ahh, fair sweet, fair love of my -"

Yeah. Whatever. The play is NOT written by Shakespeare! Don't make it sound like it! But once again, I wholeheartedly appreciate Ishida's impeccable bad timing. He chose at this moment - after losing the plastic needle battle in the last chapter - to stand up in the audience (I don't know why he was in the audience, but I guess it was because he doesn't have any parts in this scene), and then shoot toothpicks at me. Please let it be known that while Ishida Uryuu is not old enough to obtain a weapon legally, he is definitely old - and bored and smart - enough to create a gun using nothing but a hairdryer, twelve toothpicks, and honey.

And thank God that Yumichika chose at that moment to step to the side, effectually blocking the toothpicks from ever reaching their destination aka me. So anyway, Yumichika screamed - not in pain - but he screamed about how he would now have scars on his lovely smooth skin that he worked for years and with the aid of many dermatologists and soaps and scrubs and whatnot to achieve that image. And then he was dragged off the stage, kicking and screaming and with twelve toothpicks in his back by Ikkaku, who was probably still gaping at Matsumoto while retrieving his partner.

And the curtain fell. Because some fool aka Renji who was just recently out of the hospital, decided to monkey around with the rope holding the curtain back. And of course, broke it. So the scene ended right there, even though Matsumoto was supposed to confess her undying love for me while at the side of my sickbed and I was supposed to promise her that I would never die and blah blah blah.

So I guess that's what's gonna be happening in the next scene. Her confessing her undying love.

I hope that if we ever have to do a reenactment of Romeo and Juliet for this school, I really hope that Matsumoto will be stupid enough to actually stab herself with the dagger, bleed to death, and die. I think it would make for a welcome change. I can just imagine it now: No more messy offices, no more babbling about how Nanao Ise was wearing that this morning and how it appealed to her figure, no more hangovers to complain about in the morning, and many less headaches! The world might just be a better place without a certain big-busted vice captain of the Court of Pure Souls.

Note to self: Perhaps I can convince someone to take her away from there? I don't really want to have blood on my hands. It's bad enough that I knocked Yachiru out after she came running into my office screaming at a hundred miles a minute about how she lost her bunny and how if I had seen it would I please return it? Yeah. I knocked her out and Kenpachi came after me with bloodlust in his eyes. I was hospitalized for a MONTH after that.

But I do wonder how I can get Matsumoto to be kicked out of Soul Society...that's an intriguing prospect.

Any ideas? They are much appreciated.