I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
I'm still in the hospital. Yeah. This cardboard hospital thing which I'm trying to frantically blow over with a silent blowdryer so that it falls on top of Mayuri and kills him. You know, then Szayel and he will stop being chummy and then we won't have another pregnant person in this whole shibang. Oh wait. Did I say pregnant person? Forget I ever said that, you guys! Because, you know, what with my luck and all, it will happen. Ugh. And I honestly don't need that. Just for the record, Rukia was pregnant and gave birth to a tentacle baby that would make Luppi proud. Orihime was also pregnant and gave birth to deciplets, nine of which she gave up to an orphanage and the tenth one she kept and named Zohan, even though she is not Jewish in any way, shape, or form. She doesn't even eat kosher! Ulquiorra is a month overdue. Yes, that's right. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was impregnated by Orihime, who has no idea how it happened nor any recollection of ever getting it on with Ulquiorra. Ichigo is also pregnant by Ishida. And then there's Nemu. Nemu is pregnant with Lisa's child. Yes, you heard me right. Lisa's child. If you don't know who Lisa is, you clearly don't waste enough of your time on Bleach. Basically, Lisa is Nanao's role model. The Vizard one in the sailor suit that keeps reading pornos. Yeah. That's her.
ANYWAY, so back to the play. I'm lying in this hardass bed that's harder than the floor and I'm trying not to shift too much so that the spring on the left side of the bed doesn't poke up into my ribs and incapacitate me for life while trying to avoid the spring that is positioned perfectly in between my legs so that it doesn't snap up suddenly and doom me to a life of celibacy. Although that option is looking pretty good right now. I mean, seriously. When I'm not getting yelled at by women (namely Hinamori and Soi Fong), then I'm getting knocked out by giant appendages (namely Matsumoto's and Orihime's). I just can't win!
The entire audience has realized, by now, that the entire play is a joke, and so they're pretty much laughing their asses off at me. The empty chair beside Matsumoto will remain empty for the time being because Yumichika is still in shock due to emotional trauma over the whole toothpick-in-the-perfect-flawless-skin incident. And his standin, Yachiru (don't ask, I beg of you), decided not to show up today because she was far more interested in raiding the candy shop down the street while Kenpachi went next door to the plumbing company to steal all their toilets. He has an obsession with toilets. (Once again, please see Hitsugaya's Guide to High School. Then you stand a decent chance of knowing what all this shit means.)
Basically, through her tears (of laughter), Matsumoto is telling me how much she loves me and how she wants me not to die so that she doesn't have to suffer through the rest of her miserable life without me. (I'm sure if I actually did die, she would be extremely happy. But whatever. If I died, I'd also be extremely happy. Then I wouldn't have to deal with HER.) You know, the whole undying love gig. Like in Romeo and Juliet. "Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" I think I'm quoting the wrong scene. And I'm lying here on this bed that should be declared a dangerous weapon of war listening to her go on and on and on and on about things that I know she doesn't mean. And have I mentioned that she only got this role because she currently has the biggest rack in the school right now? I mean, she didn't even memorize her lines! She's actually reading them off the bedsheets on my "hospital bed." I, on the other hand, was forced into this play because everybody likes to see me suffer. And the main male role in this story just so happens to have white hair. Hmm. I wonder who arranged that?
Anyway, Mayuri is cackling evilly in the background because this is the scene where he jumps out and declares Matsumoto a sexual offender for harassing me with all her tears and not letting me rest up so that I will get better quickly. His cackle is pretty damn creepy, too. Reminds me of The Grudge or something....
So he jumps out from behind the wall of the cardboard hospital and aims the silent blowdryer at her. The silent blow dryer that I was using, by the way, to attempt to knock over the cardboard hospital so that Mayuri would be killed. I guess it didn't work.
She screams, jumps up, and it just so happens that she was holding on to the arm rests of the chair while she jumped up. The chair flies up with her, and since I'm pretty much paralyzed by the position of the springs in the bed, I have to watch while the chair flies up and then comes back down and hits me.
After that, everything went black.
When I woke up, I was in an actual hospital. There were bandages on my head and a bandage across my nose. Apparently it broke. I was in a hospital gown, there was a blood bag attached to me, and my roommate was being very annoying and loud and causing my head to throb. I turned my head on the pillow to give him a piece of my mind, and I stopped short, my mouth wide open, as I saw who it was.
It was Renji.
Back in the hospital again after stabbing himself with a chopstick.
I fainted.