Right, so after the whole I got knocked out with a chair thing because Matsumoto was clinging frantically to the arm rests while jumping up because Mayuri freaked her out, I'm in the hospital. With a mild concussion. You know, the whole the world is swimming around you and stuff like that. And as if somebody up there was playing very sadistically with my life, of course I had to have a roommate. And of course that roommate was Renji. Of course. I mean, why not, right?

Oh. Oh yeah. And my nose got broken, too. There go my chances of winning Mr. Japan anytime soon.

But of course, the show must go on. Because the school play is just too cool and way more important than the fact that I, the lead male role, have a broken nose and concussion and am being hospitalized. Because I'm not important at all. And because, of course, everybody wants to see more of Matsumoto's fun bags. You know.

So instead of letting me rest at the hospital like I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING, they're wheeling me back to the auditorium in my gurney with the blood bag and IV still attached. So, right now, my current status is being bumped along on the sidewalk like a sack of potatoes in a rickshaw, and this is clearly NOT GOOD FOR MY HEALTH. Seriously. I could have a heart attack right now and nobody would notice because they're too busy finding every pothole in the sidewalk to wheel my bed over.

Right. After the whole spine jarring trip from the hospital to here, I'm lying in my hospital bed (an actual real one) while Mayuri accuses Matsumoto of being a sexual offender because she is harassing me with all her tears (of laughter) and so not letting me rest up so that I can heal faster. Something like that. So there's this whole conflict scene between the two of them, and secretly, it's not actually Mayuri doing the conflict scene, but one of his clones because he is currently hiding behind the cardboard hospital writing up a thirty page term paper on the mysteries and cures of Lyme disease. I mean, seriously. How many pages can you write about a disease caused by rabid ticks?

Okay. Whatever.

So I'm lying here in this hospital bed that is actually somewhat comfortable. However, the unfortunate part is that Matsumoto's things are swinging quite dangerously close to me and I am afraid that one of them will hit me and that I will suffer from some serious brain damage. I mean, with how hard it is, you'd think she wears iron-plated bras to keep perverts from grabbing them. (Seriously. I should know. I've had experience with them. And I don't need the whole "You're such a nancy boy! Letting him drop your change on the counter!" thing.)

Another unfortunate part is that the auditorium is still goddamned cold, even though it's late May and it's supposed to be warm and sunny. Well, anyway, it's cold in here. So in winter, when the heater/air conditioning unit wasn't working, they figured out a way to solve it in spring and now the air conditioning is going wild. It's practically snowing in here. Just...without the snow. There's not enough water in the air to do that.

So Mayuri's all, "You uncultured swine! Affecting my poor son like that! You need to let him rest so that he can heal quicker! Let him go, woman! Leave the building before he gets any worse! You are damaging his physical and mental health!" As if Mayuri ever cared about my well being.

And then Matsumoto's like, "I mean, whatever old man! He's my eternal love, and I have the right to stay by his side if I so wish!" Right. We all know that in Soul Society, if she was given an option between sake and paperwork (and me), she would totally choose the sake. You know. So she could go get drunk with Kira and parade around the place wearing nothing but loin cloths. I'm still trying to get over that. You know, because Kira doesn't seem like the kind of person that would go parading around in a public place without wearing his vice captain uniform. Apparently, I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about how guys couldn't get pregnant. It turns out they can, and have.

And then, because Matsumoto and Mayuri have had their differences in the past (Mayuri originally thought Matsumoto's breasts were giant tumors and he wanted to operate on her immediately so the cancer didn't spread to other parts of her body; I'm sure he didn't want to cure her of any 'cancer' she had, I think he just wanted to keep the 'tumors' and see what stage of cancer the tumors were because he had never seen any tumors that big before), they both started getting into a fight. Not like a regular street fight, what with slapping and punching and stuff, but they actually got out of their gigais and started fighting each other with their swords and whatnot. So, of course, then they had to be rushed to the hospital because their gigais had no heartbeat or pulse and so the school administrators thought that they were having a stroke or a heart attack. At the same time. Right. What are the chances of that?

And so the ambulance comes and picks up their two gigais, but they leave me there. Lying in the hospital gurney on the frikking stage with the limelight shining down on me and blinding me ever so slowly while my head throbs like hell. Yeah.

And I'm watching Matsumoto and Mayuri go at it like wild cats over a piece of rotting meat.

Okay. Oh my God.

I'm going to go to sleep now.