Get this. One of my reviewers (and possibly one of my fans too! even though I'm considering retracting her membership to the 'We Love Hitsugaya!' club) just jinxed me! I mean, what the hell is up with that? Why would anybody in their right mind go and jinx me? And, what's even worse, why would one of my own FANS go and jinx me? Huh? HUH?!

Oh, what have I done to deserve this?

Please, Garrett Is Mine, tell me what I have done wrong! So that I can stop doing it so things like this can stop happening to me! Although I doubt that even if I stopped doing whatever bad things I'm doing that that would stop my bad luck.

Did you know there was a study done that shows that bad luck could possibly be genetically inherited? Maybe my parents had really bad - Oh. My. God. I'll bet it was Grandma. That old coot had the WORST LUCK in the history of worst luck.

I mean, I could fill a freaking book about all the bad stuff that's happened to her. Like, she went and walked under a ladder, the ladder fell down on top of her and damaged her leg so that she became a cripple. Another time, a mirror broke in front of her and a shard cut her. And another time, she was reading a book and she got this horrible paper cut. I could go on forever. I mean, I've got plenty of time now.

Because, see, while I fell asleep in the auditorium while Mayuri and Matsumoto were fighting it out like wild cats over a piece of rotting meat, apparently everybody left and went home. And left me in the auditorium. Locked in the very cold auditorium, may I add. With nobody with -

Wait.

What was that?

Oh my God. What if this auditorium is haunted? What if I get haunted by all the ghosts of actors past? I don't want to be haunted! I don't like ghosts!

Maybe if I hide under the covers. Hold on a second. Let me disconnect my (now empty) blood bag.

Okay. I'm under the covers of my hospital bed now. I'm scared to death. I hate being alone in places like this, because it's very dark and very scary. I mean, I know I'm a Captain of the Guardian 13 and all that, but seriously! Everybody has fears, and that's not even a joke.

Yamamoto is afraid of one day running out of tea leaves. As if we couldn't go and buy some more. Now that is a fear that is totally illogical.
Soi Fong is deathly afraid of squirrels.
Gin...what is Gin afraid of? Oh yeah. That's right. He's afraid of social workers. He says they "Smile too much." Isn't that ironic?
Unohana is afraid of lasers.
Aizen is afraid of pickles.
Byakuya is afraid of going to a store and then realizing that they're completely out of his favorite hair products.
Komamura is afraid of ticks and fleas.
Shunsui is afraid of fire, because he is worried that one day Nanao will go crazy and burn all his sake. You know, like in Pirates of the Caribbean, where that one girl (Elizabeth?) goes and burns all the rum, even though this is clearly the most illogical thing in the world to do on a deserted island with no food.
Tousen is afraid of the light. The light which he...cannot see....
Kenpachi is afraid of mice. I know. Don't ask.
Mayuri is afraid of dropping the chemical sodium into water.
Ukitake is afraid of outer space.

So, see, everybody has fears, and I bet if I got to know some of the Arrancars well enough, I bet they'd have fears too. Of course, their fears would probably be a lot different.

Oh my God. I just heard a growl in the audience. Well, in the nonexistent audience, anyway, because everybody's left. It's amazing, how I can still crack jokes at a time like this. I mean, this is literally laughing in the face of danger. Except I'm not laughing. You might be, but I'm not.

See, that growl sounds really primitive. Oh my God. What if it's a bear? What if it's a mountain lion? What if it's a Siberian tiger? What if it's a rabid pig with swine flu?

Can pigs get rabies? Can pigs growl?

I can't believe I'm contemplating the status of pigs and rabies when I'm about to get eaten by something that is clearly carnivorous.

And then, under the covers, I see this shadow fall across the sheet.

I'm freaking out. Okay?

If I die, all my life possessions shall go with me. I am not leaving them to anybody! Please let this be known as the last will and testament of Hitsugaya Toushirou.

xxxxxxxxA FEW HOURS LATERxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, it turns out that the growling in the audience did not come from a bear, a mountain lion, a Siberian tiger, or a rabid pig with swine flu.

No. It came from something far worse. Something so bad that I was all, "Give me the rabid pig now, baby!"

It came from Renji, who had escaped from the hospital. It turns out that he was trying to make a fire to cook his fish on.

The fire spread quickly, and ate up the seats and the stage and my hospital bed. I ran outside. I didn't see Renji following me. And I watched with the night crew of the school as the entire auditorium burned down. By the time the fire department got there, there was nothing but charred ashes and smoldering wood. As the firefighters went in to see if there were any survivors or anything worth keeping from the fire, they came back out with a perfectly baked fish.

Renji was nowhere to be found, but I'm pretty sure that that was a growl behind me.

I grabbed the fish, threw it into the shrubs behind me, and ran for my life.

Curtain closed. The end. Exit stage left.