Inspiration: That Saturday night- the reason for my disappearance
"Think twice before you touch my girl/ Come around I'll let you feel the burn"--- Think Twice by Eve 6
the saving
(Saturday 9:45 pm)
I' am settling down in bed with a good book (The Kite Runner). I find a comfortable place amongst my pillows and bed sheets of pale green. I feel better then yesterday and the day before. There is an eerie calmness about tonight as I sit next to the open window-
dog barks- his metal chain rattles
drinks clink together- party next door- their voices fill up space
police siren, muffled, somewhere beyond the trees
ocean wave crashes down-
I turn a page of the novel; I let Khaled Hosseini's words fill my mind tonight instead of past words spoken.
"Miley, I have… have feelings for you."
"What?"
"What I mean is… I care for you, very much, but different from friendship."
"Lilly, I don't know what to say."
I massage the back of my neck as I lay the book down on my knee. I want to forget- that's all. I want to fall asleep tonight and wake in the morning light and not remember everything I said and she said. I don't want to remember the look on her face, or the feeling of my heart dropping deeper and deeper down… down… down… because she didn't respond.
I should have been stronger, not so easily broken under the pressure of loving her. I should have never opened my mouth, never let those words slither from my lips. I'm a complete idiot- to believe that someone like her could ever feel something slightly akin to romance towards someone like me.
She's everything- an air of elegance and purpose finds her when she moves, rick talent hides in the husky slur of her singing voice- And me, there is nothing worth even a glimpse of mentioning.
(10:06 pm)
I mark my page, close the book, and shut off my lamp light all in a slow easy manner. I punch my pillow a few times, morphing it to my liking then fall onto my side and kick off the covers, it's so hot tonight. As I lay, eyes open, I feel the sweat- slick and warm- forming along my bent knees and around the back of my neck.
I just need to sleep, sleep and forget, sleep and not think…. not think… about her.
(11:23 pm)
-…Something is buzzing or is it humming? No, no it's defiantly buzzing… what the hell? God, I'm so groggy… I shift my weight from one elbow to the other as I sit up and lean left to my nightstand where my phone is buzzing (or humming) and lighting up.
Not opening my eyes, and scratching my neck- "What?" I snap tiredly, voice cracking from lack of sleep.
"L-Lilly?"
"Humpf?"
"Lilly, can you please pick me up?"
"Who?" I open my eyes and lean forward in bed, sitting up properly.
"Miley, it's Miley…"
Eyes open, perfectly, air trapped inside my lungs, ribcage closing- closing-
"I-I-"
"Lilly, please come get me, I'm at the gas station on North Broad Street, hurry." Her voice, fragil and strained.
"I'm coming, don't- don't worry, I promise I'll be there!" I say hastily, already jumping out of bed and closing my phone at once.
Stumbling, I pull on some jeans and slip a shirt over my tank top- heart hammering in my chest. Frantically, I grab my car keys and wallet and quickly jog down the stairs- thanking my lucky stars for a heavy sleeper as a mother.
(11:44 pm)
My eyes glued to the road, throat dry and closing in, I can't even begin to calm my nerves- they are jerking and lurching in all directions. My protective side is flaring, I'm gripping the steering wheel with a new found force-
Miley
I see her standing outside the gas station, neon red lights flicking OPEN 24/7 flash over her face. I pull up to the last gas pump and she walks, carefully, over to me- delicate steps.
I unlock the passenger side door and she slides in, buckles her seat and stares ahead. I wait, engine running, the clock's green numbers illuminating the dark interior of the car. She opens her mouth, then closes-
"Thank-you," She says after a long pause.
I sit back in my seat, "Are you going to tell me?"
Miley wrings her hands, looking down, "It's not important."
"I'm not letting you get away with that one, it's practically midnight and you're at a gas station, tell me."
She wipes her face with both hands, sniffs loudly and turns to look out her side window, "I was on a- on a date…"
My heart feels heavy, "Oh, okay," I manage to say through a tight mouth, "And?"
One of the lights from the gas station flickers to life and I see Miley more clearly, make-up ruined and running down the sides of her face like two long black smudges but that doesn't hide the red mark I find on her cheek.
My jaw tightens, "What happened?"
She sucks in a breath, "Can you just take me home."
Her pleading voice makes me shudder, a fear drapes over my hunched shoulders. I put the car in reverse and pull out of the gas station without a word.
(1l:48 pm)
I'm driving past the ocean, street lights lining the sidewalk pool their dim rays into the car windows- flashing, moving at the speed of my racing heart.
"It was Jake." She says suddenly, it almost scares me.
"Ryan? You mean Jake Ryan?"
She nods and I nod back but slower, keeping my eyes to the road. Jake Ryan, I know him- not personally, but he's in a few of my AP classes and he's the co-founder of the Christian Athletes Fellowship club- not my cup of tea but the school loves that boy, but then again he's a football player so who wouldn't, right?
She swallows hard, "Umm… he took me out to that resturant your mom likes? The fancy one in the square?" I shake my head yes in understanding and she continues, "It was really nice, he was nice… and then we got into his car."
I feel myself start to tense up, my stomach clenches together- growing tighter and tighter.
Miley breathes out of her nose, "We got into his car and… he said he just wanted to take a drive… just a drive, I didn't see the h-harm."
I'm sweating, my forehead drenched but I keep a cool exterior.
"But then he pulled into some meadow, I don't even know where it was, it was so dark and hot and I said I wanted to go home," She's talking so fast, all her words jumbled and falling out of her mouth- as if trying to force the memory away, "I told him we should leave, but he just wouldn't listen, he leaned in and I pushed away, I told him I didn't want to! And he got… he got so angry. I just didn't want to kiss him, Lilly, that's all, and he got so mad…"
"He hit you?" I ask after a moment
I see her nod out of the corner of my eye and I fasten my hands so tightly to the steering wheel that my knuckles loose color, they are white. I grind my teeth together- I feel a hot rage boil inside of me.
"So… he hit you and dumped you at that station, right?" I ask with edge in my voice.
"Yes." Miley answers simply resting her head against the passenger window, "I just want to be home now."
I' am going to kill him.
"Don't worry, Miley I'll get you home."
(Sunday 12: 55 am)
I have successfully gotten her to take a shower and fall asleep in her bed, she was robotic the whole time, just listening to me, doing as she was told, not talking. I'm sitting up in her bed as she sleeps now, I rub my hand soothingly over her back as she drifts far from me- somewhere in a dream.
I check the clock, then carefully get out of her bed, my temper is still blazing.
As I walk away I take a last look from her doorway, I see Miley's body huddled together in a 'C' shape, face pressed into her pillow.
I' am going to kill him.
(Sunday 1: 23 am)
I know where he lives. That's not hard, I've been there once before, it was freshmen year for a party- I can't remember what the party was about, only that Oliver made me go and I had a boring time watching my peers tease and throw each other into the swimming pool.
It's a large house, beautiful and white with a red door and wrap around porch. The outside light hanging against the house is on and I can see two large figures stadning on the porch. I park my car across the street and cut the engine, my heart feeling like it's going to burst through my chest.
With sweaty palms I pop open my driver's side door and get out. The summer morning air feels cold on my hot face as I walk to the house, hands balled into fists and chest heaving with rage. The grass is wet under my sneakers, I walk with confidence, I walk quickly.
As I get closer I can hear the two figures talking as they sit on top of the porch railing, their backs to me-
"Yeah, I know what you mean bro, she's a fucking tease."
"Probably a lesbian, you know her friend, Lilly, she's a dyke."
"No way, man!"
"Way!"
I stop, just behind them, breathing heavily, "Jake," I say calmly.
The two bodies turn to me, one is a smug looking Jake Ryan and the other is Eddie Turner, the quaterback.
"Lilly!" Jake smiles walking down the porch staires, all fake enthusiasm and kindness, he holds out his arms- as if to hug me.
Without much thought, without anything- just red hot rage burning like fire inside me I swing my arm back and let my hard fist connect to his pretty boy face.
THUD!- It's such a beautiful sound, musical even… so beautiful…
"What the fuck?!" Shouts Eddie, jumping from the porch and running to Jake who is on his knees holding his face.
My breath is ragged, I enhale and point my index finger to Jake, "If you ever look at her, talk to her, or come near her again I will do worse, and I will make you pay, you got that?"
Nothing, he just holds his face.
"I said, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" My voice erupts from my mouth and rings out into the early morning- it feels powerful- echoing through the street.
Jake nods dumbly, Eddie just stares mouth open wide, I turn on my heel and walk away.
(Monday 9:30 am)
"Yeah, like, can you, like, believe it?! He got punched in the face!"
"By who?"
"Who knows, Jake won't say, but, like oh my God, he's got a freakin' black eye!"
The hallways of school are swarming with gossip, I'm sitting on a wooden table outside and still hear it buzz around me like annoying insects I want to swat at. Instead I rest my tired head on my folded arms and sigh angrily.
Miley is nowhere and Oliver is sick today. I'm using my study hall as a relaxing nap time. I just need to loosen my muscles and mellow out.
The warm wind on the back of my neck feels heavenly- I could almost fall asleep…
Something on my back makes me jerk forward and sit up- "Sorry," Miley says pulling away and sitting next to me.
We haven't talked since late Saturday evening and before that night we haven't spoken in two weeks after my love confession.
"I have been hearing interesting stories lately about Jake's black eye, you know anything about that?"
I shake my head, "No idea."
She smiles, "I thought so," And then the smile is replaced by a frown, "That was stupid and reckless, Lilly, you could have gotten hurt."
"He hurt you." I reply plainly- a simple statement, the only reasoning I need to punch him again- I actually feel like it after all the attention he's been getting over that stupid black eye, so many girls just throwing themselves at him, begging for details or asking him if he needs anything. Bastard.
"Not the point, you could have gotten hurt, and I couldn't live with myself knowing it was because of me." Miley says staring at her hands.
"You are my friend and I was protecting you, guys like Jake deserve worse then a black eye, I should have pounded his face into the dirt."
"No," Miley answers firmly, "Two wrongs don't equal a right."
I shake my head angrily, "Stop it, okay? Just stop it! Jake Ryan is a piece of shit, what he did is disgusting! And he needed to pay," I flinch, looking down to realize that I've dug my nails deep into my palms and now the sting of sweat seeping into those open wounds burns me.
"Lilly, no, stop," Miley soothes, taking my hands, unclenching them and holding them in her warm soft ones, "There," She says, running her fingertips over my bleeding palms, "There."
Somewhere a late bell is ringing. Somewhere students are shuffling out of class and moving on, still gossiping I'm sure about Jake Ryan's stupid face- but I don't care- the only knowledge I have is the simple and perfect feeling of Miley holding my hands.