Alia- Okay so you all wanted more so here they are!
Kosa- These just get better and better
Kai- Yeah.
Rei- Here's the 5th installment of jokes.
Rinku's list of Interesting Questions
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, why don't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? (For the Ladies!)
Jin's Signs that you've been in London too Long...
- You say 'mate' constantly.
- You think it is perfectly normal to pay over $3 for a pint.
- Anyone not from London is a 'Wanker'
- Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'.
- You have no idea where the North is.
- You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
- The countryside makes you nervous.
- Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
- American tourists no longer annoy you.
- You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
- You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
- You didn't realize that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
Two Engineers and a Manager
Yusuke the Software Engineer, Kurama the Hardware Engineer and Koenma the Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said Koenma the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said Kurama the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said Yusuke the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Good Paying American Job
Kazuma Kuwabara started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 7:00 am. While his coffee pot (made in Japan) is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how much he can spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), and, as has been his daily task for months, goes looking for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Kuwabara decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponders again why he can't find that "good paying American job."
Koenma and AAADD
I, Koenma Diaoh, have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...
I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk... BUT FIRST...
I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...
I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...
I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...
I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...
I think I'll check my e-mail.
Yusuke's Ways to annoy someone in the Bathroom
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Chu's List of Liquor Warnings
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your clothes.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-boyfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
Botan's Humorous Helpful Hints...
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
To determine whether an egg is fresh place it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Rinku's Child Instructions on Life
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
"Never bug a pregnant mom."
"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
"Never do pranks at a police station."
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
"Stay away from prunes."
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
Alia- Sorry it's taken forever but I like to build up a collection of jokes before putting more out.
Kosa- Later until next time!