Chapter 5

Perry woke up to the sound of his cell phone going off. Feeling around trying to find it, he gave up when the ringing stopped. Being awake anyway, Perry knew he wouldn't get back to sleep. Opening his eyes and stretching slightly, it was only then he realised where he was.

Feeling warmth pressed against his side, he turned to see a naked, sleeping JD cuddled up to him. Putting his head in his hands, Perry cursed himself for losing control. He didn't care that it was morning. At that moment all he wanted was a scotch. Remembering that JD had a bottle especially for him, no doubt a bribe to entice him into making apartment visits a regular thing, Perry hopped out of bed.

After slipping on his shirt and boxers, Perry snuck out to the living room of JD's apartment. On the kitchen counter top he found the scotch, begging for him. He needed to block out the night before and all the love it held. Perry didn't want to admit that the reason he had broken the rule and finally come over was because he was falling in love with JD, despite convincing himself at the time it was to let off some guilt and sexual tension.

Not even bothering to pour a glass, Perry swigged the scotch straight from the bottle. He was glad he didn't have work that day, also that JD did have work and they wouldn't have to have the awkward morning after conversation. Glancing at the clock, Perry figured that JD would soon be getting up for work. Shoving the lid back on the scotch, he figured he could quickly sneak out before that happened.

"Good morning Perry." JD burst out of his room before Perry could retrieve the rest of his clothes. "Some night last night wasn't it?"

"Indeed. Now shouldn't you be getting to work?" Perry enquired, touching his nose and folding his arms. Hoping to enforce the fact that he was the boss above anything else.

JD grinned and unfolded Perry's arms, holding his lover's hands. "When you fell asleep last night I called in and got someone to cover me for a few hours. Lucky that Dr Shelley has no life. Since I knew you were off today as well, I thought we could…"

Perry put a finger to JD's lips. "You thought what? That we could spend the morning in bed together? News flash, I shouldn't have even been over here last night. Now I have to explain to Jordan where I was, not that she cares anyway."

JD's face fell, realising that Perry was pushing him away again. "You can't blame me for wanting to spend time with you. Especially after last night. Perry, I lov-"

Perry smacked JD in the mouth before he could complete the words. "Don't even think about saying it."

JD held his jaw, his face no longer full of morning cheer. "You hit me again."

"Well can you blame me? I put my ass on the line to be with you and all your needy mind can think about is more."

"Why are you so afraid of loving me?" JD snapped, feeling his lips pulse from where Perry hit him.

"How many times do I have to tell you? This is just sexual tension." Perry's eye began twitching, signalling just how mad he was getting.

"It may have started out that way, but it's more than that now. I want to be with you, Perry and I know that you'll never admit it but you want to leave Jordan. You just never let yourself be happy."

Perry couldn't stop himself before the punch connected with JD's face. "You ungrateful little shit." His teeth gritted as his anger took over. Darkness enveloped him and nothing was taboo anymore. Even the fact that JD was on the floor nursing his face didn't matter. He wanted control, but he was out of control. "I give you my time and all you can do is whine. You're a pathetic little girl." He stomped on the fallen JD before kicking him hard and repeatedly.

JD curled up on the floor, holding his wounds and begging Perry to stop. Tears were falling down his cheeks as he tried to quiet his wails. Perry stood over him, looking at his hands and wondering what he had done. He had a brief flashback to his abusive childhood, fearing that he had become just like his father. His chest hurt from guilt, disbelief and heartbreak. Silence filled the room as he stood there, frozen in shock, staring down at the result of his anger and pride.

"I'm so sorry JD." Perry finally leaned down towards JD, feeling tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Sure he wanted JD to be more careful, which caused him to push away occasionally but he never could have imagined hurting him so violently. "Everything is just so out of control."

JD sat up weakly, his back facing Perry. Sad and scared he was quivering. This was by far the worst Perry had ever been. "Why do you keep hurting me?"

"I wish I knew. It's just so hard. I can't have my life fucking up."

"It's hard for me too." JD confessed, letting the sobs escape his throat. Pulling his legs to his body JD buried his face in his knees. "I have to see you with Jordan all the time. I have to keep this secret when all I want to do is tell someone, anyone. All I want is to just hold you, uninterrupted. Sometimes I just get lonely, you know?"

Perry went to hold JD from behind, only to have JD flinch at his touch. The reaction was so small, yet the feelings of shock, hurt and nausea it caused in the older man were incredibly strong. Perry wished more than anything that JD would look at him but understood why he wasn't.

"Please forgive me. I promise I'll never hurt you again." Slowly Perry moved in again and kissed JD's spine softly, taking in the scent of his soft, pale skin.

Giving in to the affection that he craved, JD turned to Perry and sobbed openly into his neck. "Sometimes I want to be angry with you, but I can't because my feelings for you are so strong. I just hate it when you push me away. I want to be with you, but I can't if you keep hurting me."

"I know." Perry soothed JD, stroking his back. "Come on, I'll take you to bed."

Scooping a weak JD up, Perry took him back to the bedroom. Shutting his eyes for a moment, Perry began absorbing the feel of the vulnerable person in his arms. He set JD down on the bed and covered him with a blanket. "Do you need some ice for your face or anything?"

"No Perry, I just need you." JD said trying to hold back how much pain he was really in.

Too ashamed to stick around, Perry made up an excuse. "I actually have to go. Just promise me you'll take care of yourself, okay?"

"I want you to stay." JD grabbed Perry and hugged him tight. He didn't want their night to end on such a low note.

Perry eased JD back, forcing himself to look even though he didn't want to. "I want to, but I really can't." He moved in and kissed JD softly. "I feel for you so much. I'm so sorry."

JD grabbed Perry's hand. It was a desperate attempt to get him to stay. "When will we do this again?"

"I don't know." Perry knew he needed to get out of that room and away from JD. "I'll see you tomorrow."

As Perry shut the door behind him, leaving JD's apartment, he wanted to throw up. All his attempts to stop him and JD falling in love were crumbling around him. He knew JD was well and truly getting in. Despite the fact he didn't usually want anyone breaking in, a part of Perry wanted the walls to fall. He wanted JD to know everything about him. Strengths, weaknesses, dreams, fears and above all how much the younger man truly meant to him.

Gripping the steering wheel of his car he just kept driving around, trying to figure out a solution. If he left Jordan, he'd never see his children. If he left JD, then he'd just keep going back anyway. He could apply for a position far away and drink to forget, but even in his head it sounded stupid.

Speeding along the roads, Perry knew that there was no way for this situation to end happily. The only way to get everything he wanted was to keep his affair with JD controlled, spend his nights in bed with a woman he loved but was not in love with, go to the hospital and do his job and drink to alleviate any guilt or frustration felt by all of it. He'd been doing practically the same thing for years with ease, what was a couple more?

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JD arrived at the hospital around lunch time. Remembering he was on call that night, he figured he should pick up some coffee to keep himself awake. Walking into Coffeebucks he ran into Turk and Todd. At the sight of Todd, JD wanted to run but he knew Turk would suspect. He took a deep breath and tried to play it cool. No such luck.

"Oh my god you got laid." Turk spotted the signs immediately and patted his best friend on the back. "Is my boy the man or what?"

Todd looked at JD for a fraction too long before heading off towards the hospital in a quick but subtle escape. "I'll see you later. Going to work on the guns."

"Bye Todd." JD replied, relieved but a little conflicted as he spotted the look in Todd's eyes.

Turk looked back and forth from Todd walking away, to JD right beside him. "Either my sense is whack or something happened between you two."

JD's eyes opened wide as his mind screamed. He tried to lie, but he knew Turk would catch him out straight away. Faced with the awkward situation he blurted the first thing that came to his head. "Banana hammock!" Naturally, the association sent his mind straight back to The Todd.

Seeing that half the coffee house was staring at him, JD walked out. Turk followed him, rushing ahead to sit down at the bench in front of the hospital. "Okay JD, sit down. You can tell me anything, just let it out."

JD knew he couldn't get out of it and decided to tell Turk some of the truth. "Yesterday, Todd and I…we kind of kissed."

"Dude! You and The Todd?! I don't want to know."

"You told me to sit down and tell you!" JD cried out, putting his hands on his head. "Besides I don't know what to do."

"How about don't tell me. I don't want to think about two of my best friends getting down and dirty." Turk held up his hands as if merely touching JD made the gay contagious. "Did you like it?"

"You said you didn't want to know!" JD shouted, shaking his head in annoyance. Since faced with the question, his mind drifted back to the kiss. For a second JD shut his eyes and savoured the memory.

Turk was about to reply when he noticed the look on his friends face. "Oh my brother from another mother you liked it. You kissed a dude and you liked it! I always suspected that maybe…but dude!" Unable to deal anymore, Turk walked towards the hospital doors.

"It's not like anything is going to happen. Todd and I are just too different for anything to work out between us." JD ran after him. Worried about people finding out, he added. "Please don't tell anyone about this."

"Oh despite the fact that this image will be in my head way too long, I'm not going to say a word. I may gauge out my eyes later."

"You didn't even see it happen." JD sputtered, regretting coming to work at all that day.

"Not the point! Leaving, now!" Turk walked away, blocking JD from his sights.

JD grabbed a patient chart and proceeded with his day. For the next few hours he became absorbed in his work, had to help out with a code and talked to patients as much as possible to try and keep his mind off things. Everything was going well and the day was looking up until JD went to the bathroom.

He slipped and found himself staring at the ceiling. Without even having to see his face, JD knew who was responsible. "Well it's good to see you're feeling better. Since when did you start cleaning the bathrooms?"

Janitor popped up in his view. "Are you telling me how to do my job?"

JD sat up, annoyed. "No, it's just that you never clean the bathrooms. You said it yourself!"

"Well if you think you can do a better job Hot Shot Doctor Man, you do it." Janitor threw his mop at JD before going to leave the bathroom. "Hey Todd, if you can give that guy a swirly I'll make it worth your while."

JD stood up and dropped the mop to the floor at hearing the Janitor's last words. Turning, he found himself staring at Todd who had just entered the bathroom. He put his hands up in defence. Todd advanced on him, grabbing his wrists. For a second he looked as though he wanted to flush JD's head in the toilet, but instead he let go. Grinning playfully, Todd petted JD's cheek before walking over to the urinal.

"Okay Todd, you probably want to flush my head after last night but listen I'm really sorry." JD stood a few urinals away from Todd to do his business.

"Relax I'm not going to flush you." Todd said, staring ahead at the wall. "Besides you got some last night after Dr Cox left, so why should you be thinking about me right?"

"Todd I'm sorry." JD started, relieved that Todd couldn't put two and two together and realise Perry hadn't left. He stared as Todd finished and went over to the sink.

Todd came back and stood behind JD. Feeling nervous, JD finished peeing and turned around to meet his eyes. He couldn't believe how close Todd was. What he also found surprising is that Todd was smiling.

"Dude, it was just a kiss. No big deal right?" Todd stood in his usual stance. Hands on hips, laid back, yet still somewhat intimidating.

"Actually it was two kisses, but yeah, no big deal." JD couldn't help but feel like he had just lied. He also couldn't shake the feeling that Todd was lying as well. His instincts were confirmed as Todd continued to stand in front of him.

"Just like this is no big deal." Todd kissed JD's cheek. "Nothing wrong with that. Or this." He held the back of JD's head, bringing his lips in before any protest could be made. Lightly he sucked on JD's neck.

JD felt his knees buckle, neck tingle and his face twist into a weird expression. "No nothing wrong with that at all, but maybe we should stop."

Todd's eyes burned into JD's, filled with passion and lust. "Why should we stop, it means nothing." Forcing his mouth onto JD's, he kissed the medical doctor with all the emotion he had. Breaking away, his face sported a grin. "It's just playing, right?" In an overcompensating effort to deny what he really felt, Todd squeezed JD's butt before backing away.

Feeling weak at the knees and tingly all over, JD managed a shaky reply. "That may have not been nothing." Feeling his neck, which was pulsating where Todd had mouthed him, JD wondered. "Also you may have given me a hickey."

Todd's face, with his eyes still locked on JD's, turned serious. "Who is better?"

"What are you talking about?" JD asked, trying to back away from Todd as their faces were still so close.

"Who is better, me or whoever it is you're hooking up with and won't say?"

JD felt Todd's hands brush his hips before clamping on to him so he couldn't leave. Thoughts of Perry rushed through JD's mind, the years, the amazing pleasure, the increasing pain. Then came the thoughts of Todd and the rising feelings that were now part of the package. One part screamed for him to push away and work things out with Perry while the other half wanted to give in to The Todd.

For the first time, JD realised that the answer wasn't as simple as he figured it would be. "Please don't ask me that." JD suddenly felt a cold rush as Todd's hands left his hips.

"I'll see you later JD." Todd didn't even wait for a reply before leaving the bathroom, his head falling slightly just before the door shut behind him.

NOTE: Awwww. This chapter is quite angsty, better get the next one up as soon as possible. I can try and get chappie 6 up before the new year, but if I don't Merry Xmas to all the fans of this story and others who just happen to be reading this. Now your present to me can be a lovely, encouraging review ;-) I love writing this story and it's cool to see readers getting into it. The next chapters won't disappoint! :-)