Part Three of my epilogue in three parts.
I actually intended to post al three at the same time. I failed. Sorry.
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A year and two months later, Matsumoto had returned. Behind her trailed Hitsugaya, who was more than relieved to discard his frilly pink gigai. Surprisingly, none of them were carrying suitcases. Everyone was astounded.
Until a week later, when Matsumoto asked for permission to go to the Tokyo Narita Airport, as well as permission to bring her entire division along.
The Tenth Division members were elated. They were joyful and thankful for a break from the office and hard work.
And then they saw the cargo planes.
Ten cargo planes.
A DHL man came up to Matsumoto, and asked her to sign. Apparently, DHL was transporting all of Matsumoto's 174380 suitcases from Canada.
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When the members of the Tenth Division made it back to Seireitei, panting and sweating like there was no tomorrow, Hitsugaya stood at the doorway of the office, smirking.
"Now you know what I had to suffer, hmm?"
His men groaned, and as one, they collapsed to the ground.
They were sent to the Fourth.
However, they were not the only ones to collapse. When Matsumoto showed the soutaichou exactly how much she spent, the old man had shrieked a very undignified shriek of terror, and fainted dead away.
Sasakibe glanced at the bill, and mentally prepared himself to empty their coffers for the next millennium…at least.
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Of course, what was traveling without souvenirs? Matsumoto was even generous enough to buy some for all of Seireitei. And thus, one morning, presents were found in each division.
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Yamamoto peered inside the festively-wrapped box, and removed a plastic package.
"Gillette fusion shaver," he read. "Now with five blades, gives you the smoothest shave and removes all unsightly facial hair!" (1)
He frowned thoughtfully.
Do I have unsightly facial hair? I wonder.
Sasakibe opened his box, and found ten boxes of contacts.
"Coloured contacts," they read. "Change your eye colour in seconds!"
A few seconds later, a scream of frustration erupted from the First Division headquarters.
"IT'S NOT EDIBLE!"
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Soifon lifted out a mass of metal pipes. When she had untangled the fine fishing line that connected the pipes, she discovered that it was a windchime.
With cat charms dangling off it, no less.
She was delighted, and promptly hung it at her office window.
Oomaeda, on the other hand, had received a huge box marked 'product of Singapore'. He ripped off the wrapping paper, only to see a giant box.
"OSIM uZap. Zap your fats away!" (2)
He rushed into Soifon's office.
"Taichou! What do I do with this?"
Soifon took one look at the box, and grinned evilly.
Two hours later, she had cast a powerful version of Byakurai onto the device. (3)
"Oi, come here."
She placed the device around Oomaeda's neck, the only place thin enough to let the device wrap around like a belt and fasten snugly.
She pressed a small button on a black remote control.
The device zapped Oomaeda.
Soifon smirked.
"Now, go do your paperwork. Or else you get zapped again."
And thus, the slimming device became an electric collar for Oomaeda, and an endless source of fun and sadistic pleasure for Soifon.
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Gin picked up the small plastic case. Opening it, he got a pair of spectacles.
Why would Ran-chan send me these?
He unwrapped the other package addressed to him. Inside, he found several books. The first one was labeled 'A History of Myopia'. Sorting through the books, he realized that they were all about myopia. Plus, one had a bookmark sticking out. He picked up 'Symptoms of Myopia' and flipped to the bookmarked page.
"Squinting is a common sign of myopia," he read.
Meanwhile, Kira had unwrapped his present, and found a model of a guy in a black cloak with red clouds. He flipped it over to read the bottom.
"Deidara," it read. (4)
Beside it was a note from Matsumoto.
"Dear Kira, why don't you cosplay as Deidara for next Halloween? You both have the same hairstyle."
Kira stared at it.
"I do not cosplay."
He walked to Gin's office to see what his taichou had gotten.
"Taichou…"
Gin turned around.
Kira stared at his taichou.
He was wearing glasses. His pupils could be seen.
Kira freaked out.
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Unohana looked at the thin book she had received.
"The Tale of the Bearded Lady," it read.
She was about to pick it up to read, when Isane burst into her office, sobbing hysterically.
"Fish paste!" she shrieked.
Unohana glanced at the note in Isane's hands.
"Since you're scared of fishcakes, I decided to get you fishballs!"
At that precise moment, Iemura burst in, waving a pamphlet.
"Taichou! What's LASIK surgery?" (5)
Unohana was torn between comforting her fukutaichou and answering her third seat.
As if to answer her silent question, Hanatarou ran in.
"Taichou! I got a book from Matsumoto-san! What did you get?"
Unohana glanced at the book.
"The Little Train that Could: A Story of gaining Self-Confidence."
"Taichou?"
"Taichou!"
"Fish paste…"
And thus, the chaos in the Fourth Division had begun.
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Aizen stared at the copy of Vogue in his hands.
"Geeks: Back in Fashion."
Smiling to himself, he pushed his glasses up and began to read.
He forgot to take note of the date.
November 1961. (6)
Leaning against the wall of Aizen's office, Hinamori unwrapped her small box. Inside sat a rubber mouse. Pinned to it was a note.
"Because you act like one."
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Byakuya opened the door of his office. It was filled with pink balloons.
And not just any balloons.
Hello Kitty balloons. (7)
Hello Kitty helium balloons.
A second later, all the balloons disintegrated, having been torn apart by Senbonzakura.
Not a smart move.
Renji stared in horror at his taichou, who tottered out singing 'Barney is a Purple Dinosaur' in a horribly off-key tone.
His taichou, it seemed, was on a helium high.
Renji opened the door to his own office.
"WHY IS MY OFFICE FILLED WITH PINEAPPLES?"
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Komamura stared in disbelief at the pile of manga on his desk.
Naruto: Volumes 1 to 40.
Why would I want to read a manga about a fox trapped within a kid? That's just pure cruelty to the fox.
Iba, on the other hand, was not as lucky. He unwrapped his present, hoping for something manly, like weights or a punching bag.
He got a pink box.
Flipping it over, his horror mounted.
"Barbie Wedding Set." (8)
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Shunsui was giddy with joy. He had gone into his office this morning, to find a huge sake bottle on his desk.
Not just any sake bottle. It was Michiraku, the high-class very expensive sake brand. He lifted the bottle to his lips, and…
Nothing came out.
It was then that he noticed the note on his desk.
"This was meant for you, but I accidentally drank the sake. Sorry!"
Ah well. Perhaps he could use it as a flower vase.
In her office, Nanao looked in disgust at her gift.
"What. Is. This?"
She glared daggers at the note that had come with it. So what if her taichou had asked Matsumoto to buy it? She didn't have to.
She threw the purple outfit to the side.
"At least get me a one-piece swimsuit. Not a bikini."
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Tousen dropped the tiny tub he had found on his desk. He didn't know what it was, but he had a hunch that it was something bad. And Tousen liked to follow his hunches.
He walked off. On the table, the small tub lay upside down.
The label read Hair Gel.
Hisagi, on the other hand, didn't have an adequate excuse to dump his present.
A giant tub of foundation, as well as a copy of Makeup for Dummies.
He felt so insulted.
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Hitsugaya stared in disbelief at the small carving that Matsumoto had given him.
It was a figure of a white-haired boy standing in between a tree and a watermelon.
A perfectly normal sculpture, though he didn't remember Matsumoto buying it.
What really irritated him, however, was the fact that the boy, who was supposedly himself, was shorter than the watermelon.
And carved onto the base of the sculpture were the words Made to scale.
"MATSUMOTO!"
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The Eleventh Division, being the happy family that they were, decided to open their presents together.
Kenpachi had received a 'Pirates of the Carribean' DVD set.
Yachiru received a book on how to break addictions, which she promptly soaked in her saliva by biting into it.
Ikkaku, much to his horror, had gotten a tub of shoe polish ("To polish your head with," the note said) and a grass skirt.
But Yumichika's was the funniest. It had holes cut into it.
Yumichika sniffed.
"It smells like shit!"
He rattled it. The box squawked. Ikkaku, having the IQ of a dust bunny, instantly proclaimed: "It sounds like shit!"
Yachiru stared at the quivering box.
"Maybe it is shit."
They all watched as Yumichika carefully opened it. A chicken flew out, and landed on his head, dropping fluff everywhere.
Ikkaku peered into the box at the chicken's waste.
"Gosh, it is shit."
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Two boxes sat in the waste area of the Twelfth Division, wilting slowly. Mayuri had tested them to check if they were dangerous. Unfortunately, neither box had withstood the sulfuric acid test.
They were thrown out.
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Ukitake stared at the face mask lying on his desk. Next to it was a pamphlet.
"Symptoms of H1N1," it read.
He frowned.
"I have tuberculosis. Not Influenza A."
He decided to wear the mask anyway.
Meanwhile, Kiyone had received a lurid pink thing in the shape of half a heart.
"Love Puzzle! He who holds the other half will be your soul mate," the label proclaimed.
Bewildered, she wandered out into the corridor, only to bump into Sentarou. They fell to the ground.
"Oi, you! Watch where you're going-wait…"
She caught sight of lurid pink within Sentarou's clenched fist.
"No," she breathed.
Kiyone's terrified cry was drowned by a wail of horror and utter misery.
Rukia stared at the packet of rabbit jerky in her hands, shaky from screaming.
It can't be true…it can't…
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Urahara peered at the box in his hands.
Photoshop CS5-Deluxe Edition.
Holding it as far away from him as possible, he gingerly opened it.
"Ribbit."
A frog plastered itself onto his face.
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Yoruichi looked in considerable disgust at the cat litter box.
"I do not use a little box."
It went to the trash.
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At the Kurosaki residence, it was havoc.
Yuzu, Karin, and Isshin charged around the house on a sugar high.
Ichigo facepalmed.
Maybe I shouldn't have given them those strawberry Hi-chews I found in my room.
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Ishida peered at the blue shirt he had gotten in the mail. It had a picture of an old granny on it.
The caption was gross.
"Kiss me. I knit."
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Orihime looked happily at her present.
"You and I, we're gonna be best friends!"
The book's title read, 1001 ways to make mochi fillings.
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Chad got DIY tacos. He ate them for dinner.
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And somewhere, Matsumoto was hiding, happily imagining all the reactions her presents would stir up.
Hmm, she mused. Perhaps I should do this on Chrismas.
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YES! Story complete! Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers!