Chapter 22

It was the last hole, a complicated one to say the least. However, Todd somehow found a way to blitz it and get a hole in one. JD was sure he could make it, even though Todd had clearly won the round by this point.

"How about you skip the last hole and we can go make out behind that cave over there." Todd pointed towards one of the miniature golf obstacles nearby.

JD shook his head, determined to look somewhat decent to his boyfriend. "I'm going to make this shot, Todd."

Todd cuddled JD from behind, chuckling. "If you get a hole in one, The Todd will buy you cheese fries and feed them to you."

"Mmm cheese fries." JD shrugged Todd off him so he could try and make the shot.

JD lined it up perfectly, even going as far as to check wind direction. He eyed the obstacle, glaring at it. In his determination, JD finally putted the ball only to have it hit a wall and sail back towards him.

"So maybe I owe you some cheese fries then." JD sighed as he looked down at the ball. He went to putt it again but Todd picked it up. "Hey, put that back."

"I can't wait any longer." Todd pulled JD close and kissed him passionately at the start of the eighteenth hole. Holding the other man right up against his body, making sure the whole world knew they were together.

"Wow." JD grinned back at his relatively new boyfriend. "I guess for that I can make an exception."

"Hey are you two butt pirates going to move it or what?" A little boy shouted out, clearly waiting to do the hole.

JD turned to the kid. "Santa's a drunk!" Looking back at Todd, he took the yellow ball and put it in his pocket. "Now how about those cheese fries?"

"JD!" Elliot waved a hand in front of his face. "You were out for a long one that time. What's with the ball?"

JD stared down at the little yellow golf ball he'd absentmindedly been playing with while sitting at the table at Coffeebucks. "Just something I forgot to give back to Todd. Well, technically to Pete's Miniature Golf but still..."

"So you're really giving Todd back all his stuff? Why?" Elliot sipped her coffee, waiting for an answer.

The answer came the moment Carla joined their table, Turk at her side. "Because Todd slept with Alicia."

JD turned to Turk. "You told her?"

Carla rolled her eyes. "Please Bambi, the whole hospital knows."

"I suppose it's been a couple of days." JD continued playing with the golf ball.

"Dude, you went to Pete's Miniature Golf without me?" Turk eyed the ball and then his friend.

"It's from the third date Todd and I went on. We didn't quite get through the last hole. He got a hole in one, so I bought him cheese fries." JD saw his friends looking at him sympathetically, so he tried to pretend he didn't care. "Guess it doesn't matter now, that's why I'm getting rid of it."

"JD, are you sure you're okay?" Carla patted his hand.

"Yeah. I mean, it's not like I have any choice but to be." JD rolled the ball so it fell off the table and disappeared.

"I can't believe Todd slept with Alicia. How could he do that to you?" Elliot started before rationalising everything. "Then again, you did kiss Doctor Cox; and Alicia is pretty nice looking; and Todd is kind of a pervert."

"Thank you Elliot, that's very helpful." Turk replied sarcastically to quieten her.

"What I don't believe is what Perry did to you." Carla glared at the doorway where the chief had just entered. "Just say the word and I'll kick his ass for you."

"I think Todd already did that for him." Elliot replied. "Though his lip has healed and he's not limping as much anymore."

JD watched Perry briefly. He couldn't help but wonder about what the older man had said the week before. People kept reminding JD that he had kissed Perry back after all. A part of him was curious about how things could be now that nothing was truly standing in their way.

He tried to fight against them and figured it was just the loneliness now that Sam had gone back to Kim's but the thoughts kept invading JD's mind. Todd was gone and Perry seemed really intent to change. Plus when Perry had said those three words in the park, JD couldn't deny that something happened inside of him.

Turk effectively pulled JD from those thoughts, holding back Carla who looked ready to storm over and throttle Perry. "Baby, forget about Cox. He's a jerk and an asshole."

"Can we please talk about something else for a change?" JD tried to think of an appropriate distraction. "Elliot, how about you tell us how things are going between you and what's his name."

"Oh, Thomas!" Elliot started, almost excited that the conversation was on her. "Well we've only been going out for ten days now but we've already had five dates…"

"And you slept with him after the second one." Carla predicted, or rather knew.

JD tried to listen to the conversation around him, but it all just became white noise. Soon enough his mind was back at the miniature golf course, eating cheese fries. Happier times. Why did they have to end?

JD stood up from the table. "I have to go somewhere."

He knew that Todd would likely be finished his scheduled surgery, or close enough. It was the perfect time to talk. JD realised that even if they couldn't be together romantically, there was no reason they couldn't be friends. He wanted the surgeon in his life somehow, even if it meant letting him go.

JD took the elevator to the respective floor and headed towards the O.R where he knew Todd was. He peeked through the little window briefly, to find the surgical team coming out. Ducking behind a wall so he wouldn't be seen, JD watched them all and hoped he could get Todd alone.

Todd took off his bloodied robe and gloves, stretching briefly. The surgical team was congratulating each other on a job well done. JD continued to keep out of view as other members of the surgical team left. Soon enough it was just Todd alone washing his hands.

He had barely spoken to the surgeon since their break up. After seeing Todd with Alicia, JD had been especially avoidant. He tried to think of the perfect way to approach the other man with an offer of friendship.

"So another successful stat for The Todd." JD walked to the sink, trying to smile and look confident. He held up his hand in order to relate to Todd. "Surgery five."

Todd continued washing his hands, though he was tempted to take the high five. "What do you want JD?"

JD sighed, not realising before how unprepared he was for the conversation. "Look, I know that you and Alicia hooked up last week. You clearly want to date other people and that's cool, I mean we're not seeing each other, right."

Todd gripped the edge of the sink, staring down at his hands and still yet to look at JD. Not because he didn't want to, but because he knew what would happen if their eyes met. "What's your point?"

"I know I hurt you and I'm sorry, more than I can ever imagine. I'm really sorry." JD touched Todd's shoulder to emphasise his guilt.

"The Todd heard all your messages." Todd replied bluntly, trying not to reveal how he was really feeling inside; how he felt gutted whenever JD was near him. He turned to JD with his hands on his hips, finally meeting his eyes and remembering why he tried not to in the first place.

JD forgot how it felt to stare into Todd's eyes. He missed it so much. Shaking off the thoughts, he tried to make his point. "I want us to try and be friends. I mean, we spent all this really awesome time together and now we barely look at each other."

"It was fun JD, but it's over. The Todd has to move on."

"I know you do and I understand that you're probably still mad." JD hated admitting that out loud. The stab in his chest cemented that fact. "But we had fun and I was just thinking that instead of all this awkwardness between us, we could try and be friends."

"It's hard to look at you without thinking about how we doinked." Todd admitted, looking JD up and down but then remembering he shouldn't be. "Not to mention that you and Doctor Cox did the nasty."

"Okay." JD fiddled with the drawstring of his scrubs pants due to nervousness. "I just want to see you. I don't want you completely out of my life, Todd."

"I'm not out of your life. We're talking right now aren't we?" Todd motioned back and forth between them.

"Yeah this is okay, but more and better." JD reached out for Todd's hand but then backed out at the last second and crammed his hands in his pockets. "I really meant it when I said you were good to me. Even if we're not together, I want that to continue."

All that he got in reply was silence. Todd didn't know what to say, so he just sighed and turned back to the sink. "I don't know, JD. Maybe later."

"What do you mean you don't know?" JD actually grabbed Todd's hand this time. "Don't know about what exactly?"

Todd faced JD once again. Their hands still clasped between them. Looking into Todd's eyes provided JD with an answer. JD squeezed Todd's hand in understanding, hoping more than anything that the surgeon would squeeze back.

"You're not over me are you?" JD asked quietly, looking down at the conjoined hands.

Todd pulled back, looking at JD accusingly. "Uncool."

Realising that he wasn't going to get through to Todd, JD shrugged it all off with a small laugh. "Just forget I said anything."

As JD walked away, Todd felt a pang of regret. He stepped into the hallway and continued to watch JD leave. He fought the urge to chase after the medical doctor with everything he had. Todd's pride convinced him it was the right decision to stay put.

JD was glad to be in the solitude of the elevator after that conversation. He took a deep breath and attempted to clear all his emotions. Forcing the fakest yet widest of smiles he could muster he waited for his floor and pretended he wasn't half as hurt as he felt.

However, two floors above his destination, the elevator stopped. Perry stepped in the moment the doors opened, not noticing JD was his elevator companion until he looked up from the file notes he was reading. The two stared at each other and JD's plastic smile couldn't hold no matter how much he willed it.

"Mind telling me what's wrong today?" Perry asked, his eyes showing a genuine concern and interest.

"None of your business." JD snapped, feeling that the elevator journey was taking too long. Perry was the last person he wanted to be alone with.

"I heard about what happened with cabana boy and Alicia. Tough break."

"Shut up! Okay, so I screwed up my relationship like I always do. It doesn't mean I'm coming back to you. Now if you'll excuse me." JD stepped towards the door as the elevator stopped on his floor.

Perry grabbed JD's shoulder, spinning the younger man to him. "Listen, you can think what you want about me. God knows I probably deserve it after everything that's happened. But I'll tell you, if Todd isn't rushing at the chance to get back together with you, then he's an even bigger idiot than I thought he was."

JD didn't know why he listened, but he did. When Perry let go of him, he slowly stepped back and made his way out the now open doors. He continued staring into Perry's eyes, much like he used to, until the elevator doors shut once again.

Perry sat on his couch, drinking scotch as was the custom during blue periods. He had allowed Jack to stay at a friend's place so he could quietly reflect and stew in his own thoughts, effectively wallowing in self-pity but convincing himself he was not.

It had been a few days since he'd heard through the grapevine about Todd and Alicia's date. He kind of liked that it really blew JD's chances with Todd out of the water. But at the same time, he could tell it made JD miserable. Still, he was fuelled with hope especially after the afternoon's elevator incident.

A knock sounded at his door, interrupting his contemplation. He went up to answer it, wondering who it could be. A part of him thought for a moment that it could be JD, but it sounded too ludicrous.

However, on opening the door he was greeted to a surprise. Before Perry could barely register who it was, JD was inside his apartment. The younger man seemed lost as to why he was there and Perry was just as confused.

They stood in silence for a few moments, taking in each other. JD opened his mouth to speak, but only a breath came out. He linked his hands behind his head, trying to find the words.

Perry swiped his nose and folded his arms. He tried to go on the defensive and block out the part of him that wanted to tackle JD to the floor and kiss him all over. Impatient comments flickered through his mind and he was more than tempted to verbalise them. But he remained in control as to not lose this potential chance.

"I have no idea why I'm here." JD finally spoke.

JD walked over to the couch, looking to sit down but then deciding against it. Instead he paced the floor behind the couch, trying to find the next words to say. Perry merely stood watching him, wanting to speak up but still patiently waiting.

"I mean, you were right about Todd. Clearly he's over me and he slept with Alicia to prove it." JD stated, looking through Perry's liquor selection to see if there was anything he could find remotely drinkable. "Or maybe he's not actually over me, but he won't admit that anytime soon."

"Despite what you may think, a part of me didn't want to be right about it." Perry walked over to his couch, motioning the spot beside him. "Sit down."

"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you? You'd like me to just come waltzing straight back into your arms." JD snapped, waving a finger. "Not this time Perry, no way."

Perry knew that JD was in one of his personal debating moods. He'd seen it in his Newbie over the years. Two parts of his brain were at war, each desperate to prove they were right. JD would take all the sides into account, ultimately confusing himself.

"So then enlighten me JD, why are you here?"

"Because you were right!" JD exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air as a sign of frustration. "Everyone else said that Todd and I had a chance to get back together, but not you. You could see the truth and you told me point blank."

Perry couldn't admit that he actually believed that JD and Todd really would get back together. Saying what he did was only to manipulate the situation his way. But he wasn't about to blurt that out to his ex-lover.

"Then I thought about it. What you said…" JD started, his breathing becoming heavy as he flopped down on the couch.

"About what exactly?" Perry asked, scooting ever so closer to JD and turning towards him.

"I kissed you back." JD replied in somewhat of a whisper. "If I really loved Todd I wouldn't have kissed you back."

"You said that you weren't in love with him." Perry remembered the conversation at the hospital picnic. He ran it so many times in his head that it was practically etched word for word in his mind.

"I thought I was." JD explained, managing a small chuckle. "Guess I was just so desperate to get over you, but I couldn't."

"What are you saying?" Perry had a feeling about what JD was implying, indifferent about his reaction to it.

"You promised you wouldn't hurt me again. But then again you have broken that promise before." JD stood up and went back to Perry's liquor. He poured himself a shot of vodka, staring at it.

"Did you actually have anything decisive to say or are you just here to steal my booze? Five bucks says you won't take that shot. You hate shots."

JD pointed at his ex. "See right there. You're an asshole and you don't know me as well as you think." Picking up the little shot glass he'd prepared, JD downed it. Straight after swallowing he began coughing. "Okay, straight anything is awful."

"As much as I love to prove myself right, I would like to know if this conversation actually has a purpose." Perry scolded his mind for being so harsh, but he was too anxious to wait any longer. He had to know where it all was heading. This debating was too much of a tease.

JD sat back down on the couch. He sighed and put his head in his hands for a brief moment. Perry reached over and rubbed his back. He pretended it was JD's naked skin beneath his fingers as he soothed the younger man.

Finally JD spoke. "You told me you loved me."

Perry ran his hand up to JD's neck, playing with some strands of hair. "I meant it you know."

"You know, we never had any real closure. I guess I'm thinking that maybe with all this stuff out of the way we could actually have a legitimate chance for a relationship. I mean, everything seems to be lining up for us. Things might actually work this time, I don't know. It's seems that way, right?"

Perry couldn't believe his ears. It was everything he wanted. JD was coming back to him and seemingly offering another chance for him to prove himself. Perry's mind roared in approval, like his own private cheer squad.

But it all came to a screeching halt when he took in how JD was sitting. The younger man wasn't looking at him, but staring at his hands. There wasn't the love and passion in his eyes like there used to be all those months ago. His posture seemed nervous and his shoulders were slumped as though he'd given up.

"You don't really want to get back together with me, do you?"

JD turned to him, his eyes glassed over. "I don't know. It all seems right and if things can be different I can't see why not. We've been through so much together over the years…but I can't forget about what you did to me. You really hurt me Perry, yet I still kissed you for some reason."

Perry tried to stop the words, but the rant came out of his mouth regardless. "Jesus JD, don't do this! Not just because you don't want to but do you re-he-he-healy think I want to get back together when you can't even look at me. I get it, everything is wrapped up in the package that makes this thing between us seem like a swell idea but you know what JD, I'm not going for it. Not because I don't want to tear off those sexy navy scrubs you have on, throw you on the ground and just have some hot pig sex with you right here. Believe me, I am so in love with you I can't even think straight but you- you're still so-ho-ho-ho in love with Todd that it's insulting that you even came to me."

JD scoffed, almost mad at the accusation. "Fine, just forget it." He stood up and stormed towards the door.

Perry sprung up and followed after JD. He caught the doe-eyed brunette just as he'd opened the door. Perry relished the feel of JD's hand clasped in his for a few seconds.

"Fine, JD. Look at me." Perry swiftly cupped JD's face and made their eyes meet. "Now, tell me that you love me."

"What?" JD seemed confused.

"Look me right here in the eyes and tell me that you're over Todd. And I mean really over him, not just wanting a revenge lay, not just to cure some loneliness and not because you want closure on what we had." Perry looked hopefully back into JD's blue-green orbs, so powerful that he wanted to melt right there. He silently pleaded for JD to say the words back. "Tell me that you love me as easy as you told me you didn't."

JD pulled back, realising that he couldn't say the words. "I told you I didn't know why I came here."

"Listen, if you can tell me that you're honestly with me, faults and all, one hundred percent I'll give this a shot. Believe me, I am done hurting you; there is nothing left for me to hurt you over. But JD, I'm not going to wait forever so think before you come back here."

JD felt so ignorant. He wanted to hide at his mistake. Turning to walk away, he swallowed the lump caught in his throat.

Perry shut the door, cursing himself for sending JD away. He knew it was the right thing to do, but that just made it worse. As he looked around his empty apartment he whispered to the air "I love you JD."

TBC