Chapter 23

Todd finished a surgical consultation and was chilling out by the nurse's station, waiting for something to do. As he sipped a coffee his eyes took in everyone walking by him. He hoped to catch a glimpse of JD, just a little peek to tie him over for the day, but was yet to see him.

Alicia suddenly appeared at Todd's side, looking annoyed. "Okay you've got to stop telling people that we slept together."

"I didn't tell anyone." Todd told her, which was true but he admittedly had done nothing to stop it.

"Whether you did or you didn't, people have the idea and I'm wondering why." Alicia stood her ground, but some of her sweet demeanour was poking through. She was trying to be nice, as she knew Todd was heartbroken, but didn't want to be viewed in a bad way.

"Don't look at The Todd. People make assumptions around here all the time."

"Look, I went out with you so you could make JD jealous and because I thought you might actually need a friend to lean on." Alicia confessed, shaking her head at the mistake. "But I'm not going to be some locker room joke because you can't tell JD how you really feel."

"Dude, I'm totally over JD." Todd lied, squeezing his coffee cup a little too hard.

"If you're not going to be honest with me, at least be with yourself." Alicia told the surgeon. "What he did to you sucks, but when you lie to people then you're no better."

"Relax. It's all cool." Todd smiled at her, clearly not grasping the earnestness of Alicia's tone. "Besides we had fun on our date."

Alicia grabbed the front of his green scrubs, anger taking over. "Not only did you spend half our date talking about JD, you took me to a bar where you drank yourself into a stupor; over JD! Then to top it all off, you got so damn sick that you puked on me."

"That was totally an accident, I apologised for that."

Alicia let go of him, shoving him back from her. "I stayed with you that night because you needed help and I actually thought you were decent. I didn't want you to really hurt yourself. But I'm done Todd. The truth comes out, now!"

"Can't you just keep the rumour going?" Todd pleaded, catching her arm before she could storm off.

"By the way, if you haven't already found it, JD left a box of stuff for you that night. I hid it to spare your feelings. Not only that I took a yelling from him too. Todd, he still loves you and if you're too much of an arrogant prick to believe that then maybe JD is better off without you." Alicia slapped Todd across the face, hard enough so that it drew attention from those nearby. "I know you're better than this. JD knows you're better than this. Get your shit together."

The arguing pair was oblivious to Carla and Turk standing nearby. The Latina nurse and her husband heard every word of their conversation. Before Turk could stop her, Carla was chasing after Alicia. She decided to get some confirmation before getting JD's hopes up. Turk slowly followed behind.

"Alicia wait!" Carla caught the other woman at the elevator. "So you never slept with The Todd?"

"Of course not! Just because I like to give people a chance on dates, doesn't mean I sleep around. I have some pride you know. Besides, Todd's so in love with JD that he probably couldn't even get it up for anyone else. Not to mention he drank enough to kill a horse." Alicia explained, stepping into the elevator. It was clear she wanted to avoid the subject altogether. She let out a long frustrated sigh. "You're good at telling people what to do so please get them back together."

Carla bit her lip, turning to Turk and feeling a little guilty at being a little snobby to Alicia over the days past. But that amends would have to wait as she had one heck of a tongue lashing to give Todd. Heading back to the nurse's station, she shot her evil eyes towards Todd but Turk held her arm back.

"Let me talk to him." Turk kissed Carla on the forehead and she patted his arm in reassurance.

Turk walked over to Todd, grabbing his arm and leading him off. Todd raised a curious eyebrow, but continued to follow Turk without comment. They kept walking until they ended up in an empty patient room.

Turk shut the door. "So, I just heard your conversation."

"What conversation?" Todd shrugged.

"Alicia seems pretty pissed off, Todd." Turk shook his head.

"Oh, that conversation." Todd sighed and confessed to his fellow surgeon. "Okay, so The Todd never slept with Alicia."

"So why are you letting people think that you did? To make JD jealous?" Turk asked with a serious tone in his voice.

"To let JD know that I'm over him."

Turk scoffed. "Todd, how long have we been friends? Eight, nearly nine years. You think I can't see that you're far from over him. You're a loyal buddy and all, but you wouldn't have fought Doctor Cox like you did for just anyone. You risked getting fired man."

"Look, JD is clearly over me, so I had to make it look like The Todd was over him too." Todd explained, shuffling his foot slightly.

Turk slapped a hand onto Todd's shoulder. "Todd, JD's not over you man. He thinks about you a lot, even when he thinks we don't notice. I don't think he's ever felt this way about anyone."

"But he kissed Doctor Cox." Todd pointed out that fact, feeling a little sad at remembering the pictures he spotted. "He wouldn't do that if he truly loved me."

"He made a mistake, Todd and while I don't condone what he did, I can tell he's truly sorry for it! Heck we all screw up sometimes, especially a commitment phobic, self-saboteur like JD. Welcome to an adult relationship." Turk turned to his friend throwing his arms up in the air to emphasise his point. "What would have happened if I dumped Carla for every mistake? We wouldn't have lasted and we would have never had Izzy."

"But he gave back my stuff." Todd explained.

"Only because you gave back a box of his stuff first." Turk was surprised at how quick the rather slow Todd was coming up with reasons not to be with JD. But he wasn't prepared to give up. "You have to start cutting JD some slack. Anyone in this hospital can see you're better off together."

"He told me that he just wants to be friends." Todd told Turk, recalling his conversation with JD by the sinks.

"I'm just going to tell you this. JD wants you back but he won't wait forever. He gave up a chance with Doctor Cox, who he has been after for years god knows why, because you guys had a good thing going. So maybe he faltered for a second, but he wants to be with you." Turk patted Todd on the back. "I don't think you're stupid Todd. So I'm hoping you'll do what's right. I know that this stuff is scary, but you better do it soon, or you're going to lose him."

As Turk left, Todd tried to make sense of all that was said. It seemed so simple, but the whole situation was complicated at the same time. He stepped out into the hallway, hands on hips, still trying to figure everything out.

He walked along, greeting those he passed and trying to remain content. However he came to a halt when he spotted JD. His ex-lover was talking with Perry about something. Todd was too far away to hear it was just medical talk regarding a patient.

The surgeon stared for a few moments, fearing what Turk said about losing JD. He wanted to punch Doctor Cox right there, fight him all over again, but Todd knew it wasn't wise. He wanted JD to be happy more than he wanted his envy. If his happiness lay with Perry all these years, Todd figured it best to let it go.

Turning around, he just kept walking in the opposite direction, not knowing that a pair of blue-green eyes spotted him and watched him walk away.

Perry had stayed at work a little later that night. He knew JD was on call and was hoping to get the chance to talk with him about something other than patients. Catching the younger man completely alone had been a challenge on quite a busy day.

After checking the doctor's lounge and skimming patient's rooms, Perry knew his best bet was the on call room. He hoped that JD was in there alone, which was quite likely at this early time of the night.

He stepped in finding that just as he suspected JD was taking a brief nap between his shifts. For a moment, Perry admired him. It almost seemed a crime to wake JD up. Taking in the view from behind the younger man made Perry a little tempted to spoon him, despite his usual reluctance to do so.

"Hey, JD." Perry whispered, shaking the younger man's shoulder. "Come on, get up."

When he received no reaction or reply, Perry figured JD was sleeping peacefully. He decided against waking him up, hoping for another chance to talk privately.

"I had a dream." JD's voice suddenly sounded out.

A startled Perry turned around, staring back at the bottom bunk where JD lay. "What was that?"

"I had a really bad dream. We broke up and you were gone." JD's tired voice explained to Perry as he continued to face the wall.

"What in God's name are you talking about?" Perry was confused, but still he softened up gradually.

"It hurt so much."

"Okay, settle down." Perry sat down on the edge of the bed, still fighting off the urge to spoon the man who was no longer his to hold. "I'm right here, JD."

"Then I missed you." JD replied, sounding a little upset. "I missed you so much."

"You know… I miss you too." Perry choked up a little as his words came out. He finally gave in and lay next to JD, taking a smell of his coconut scented hair. "I'm sorry we broke up and I regret it every single day. What I did to you…I can understand if you don't trust me straight away."

"We are so good together. I don't want you to be gone forever." JD moved back slightly against Perry. "Hold me and don't let me go."

Perry spun JD around and cradled the other man's head to his chest. "We were good together weren't we? If you want, we could still be good together. Heck we could be even better because it's not just about sex." Perry's head began to fill with the possibility of actually being with JD. "Forget what I said the other night. Let's give this a shot. We can make it work, what do you say?"

"I want to be with you always." JD confessed softly, his head still buried in Perry's chest but his words clear. "I love you, Todd."

Perry was stunned at the last statement. It nauseated him a little. He pulled JD back to look in his face. "What did you say?" He noticed JD's closed eyes and the slightly open mouth, realising that their whole conversation consisted of one side being asleep.

JD was unaware of his surroundings and exactly who was with him and therefore continued his dream induced sleep talking. "Todd I don't want to be apart from you, ever. I want to be with you all the time."

Perry's depression gradually turned into slight rage. He gritted his teeth and fought the tears that assaulted his eyes. Even though he'd known it was true when he asked JD to leave his apartment two days prior, Perry hoped he was mistaken.

"Just us, together. The way it should be." JD smiled briefly before rolling over and curling up. Some light snoring came after.

Perry stood up and punched the wall angrily. Nursing his hand afterwards, his heavy breathing echoed through the room to prevent his screaming out loud. Perry took one last look at JD before opening the door; slamming it loud behind him.

If there was ever an excuse for Perry Cox to drink, this was it. He called the nanny, making sure she could stay with Jack for a little while. When he received the answer he wanted, Perry proceeded in driving towards the bar. The bar he hadn't visited since the night he'd ruined everything.

Merely looking at the establishment made Perry want to burn it down. Memories of him punching and kicking JD flowed back to him; a reminder of how when JD loved him, he responded by pushing him away.

He couldn't go in there, not after what had happened. The last thing he needed was another sign that JD didn't feel anything for him. At least he did until Perry had messed everything up.

So he drove around, looking for a new bar. A place to calm the rage within and help him forget all his troubles. Eventually, he parked the car near a place he figured would satisfy his appetite.

This particular bar was quite a mess, having a very seedy feel to it with poor lighting and unfortunate décor. Most people at the bar looked completely defeated, just as Perry felt in his own mind. Though there did appear to be one gathering of people half singing, half mumbling along with the jukebox; either enjoying themselves, or they'd fallen so far down they just didn't care anymore.

Grabbing a free stool at the bar, Perry ordered two scotches. He didn't want to wait between them. Once again, Perry took in his surroundings. It depressed him that the dark and dank bar felt like home.

"Fuck this." Perry slammed his fist on the bar and drank the scotch the moment it was put in front on him.

"Problems buddy?"

Perry glared at the source of interruption. Normally he would never engage in conversation with people during his drinking time. But for some reason, he could relate to this man with the clear 'down on his luck' attitude.

"Lost the...one I love." Perry figured this wasn't the best place to reveal his equal opportunity sexual preference. "To some meat-headed asswipe who gave me a busted lip."

"Tough break." The man moved to the stool closer to Perry.

"Then to top that all off, I lost the woman I live with. Will probably lose my kids as a result too." Perry couldn't help but laugh at himself, swigging the second scotch. "Can't say I didn't bring it all on myself though."

"Never play two women at once. They always find out. Then of course they take it all from you until you're left with nothing."

"I hear that." Perry sipped his drink once again, not bothering to correct the man. His gaze drifted to the crowd of people who seemed to be getting more wasted by the minute. "What's with the screw the world crew over there?"

"People who don't have the balls to admit they actually have problems. Not like you and me."

Perry stared at the small crowd of seemingly happy people. How he wished he could just pretend that he was happy; deny any feelings for JD and just figure that everything was okay. The last thing he wanted to think about was how he'd screwed things up.

Then suddenly he noticed one of the twelve, currently buying a round for the others. A drunk and confused man who wore a weak smile and apparently no cares. Perry gritted his teeth, hoping that his sight had fooled him. Unfortunately the fury he had began to quieten down rose up again.

Before he knew it, Perry was storming towards them. On closer inspection, he found that he was one hundred percent correct. By unfortunate coincidence, he'd ended up at the same bar as Todd.

Todd who JD was in love with. Todd who was throwing his chance to be with JD away. Todd who was making JD miserable because of his pride.

Perry watched the surgeon do a few shots of what appeared to be Jagermeister. Todd smiled in an attempt to pretend that he just didn't care. It shook Perry to the core. He grabbed Todd's arm and pulled him off the bar stool he was sitting, or rather balancing, on. On closer inspection, Perry realised Todd's state and a pang of concern flickered inside him.

Todd looked at Perry in confusion, wondering what had happened. He blinked a few times, managing to take in the form in front of him. It wasn't hard to see that The Todd had obviously had a few too many.

"Dude, what…" Todd leaned over slightly before grabbing onto a nearby stool to balance himself. He looked quite unwell and clearly drunk. "Why are you here?"

"You're completely wasted." Perry commented on the obvious, but was getting increasingly worried. He tried to convince himself that Todd was fine, but it was clear he wasn't. "How many drinks have you had?"

Todd didn't seem to register that Perry had asked him anything. Perry tried to steady the younger man in hopes of getting a straight answer, but Todd didn't even seem to realise he was there.

Perry turned to one of the group hanging out with Todd. "How much has he been drinking?"

"That guy." The man replied, clearly a little on the tipsy side as well. "He goes crazy. Drinking everything."

Perry rolled his eyes. "That's very helpful."

He turned back to Todd, who looked about ready to fall over. Perry was tempted to let him, but the doctor in him overruled any grudges. He steadied Todd, wrapping an arm around him. Slowly he led the intoxicated man outside.

"Dude, what's going on?" Todd slurred in his drunken stupor, falling to the ground the moment he got outside. "I'm fine…really."

"This behaviour barely works for college kids, definitely not for you." Perry begrudgingly helped Todd to his feet again. "Especially when JD is willing to give you a second chance."

"JD, where's JD?" Todd looked around, apparently an unwise move as his head began to spin. He grabbed onto Perry in a half hug to steady himself.

"At the hospital, where you would have ended up if you drank anymore." Perry eased Todd off, helping him stand to face him. "You have no idea how much I want to beat the hell out of you for being here when JD loves you. Do you want to know how it feels when he doesn't love you, Todd? Well you're about to find out if you keep going with all the crap."

Todd only heard half the speech. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Turning around and bending over, he threw up all over the ground. As a result, Todd looked even sicker than he had when Perry first spotted him in the bar.

"Jesus, Todd." Perry just managed to dodge being puked on, but was more frustrated than ever by Todd's behaviour because as far as Perry was concerned, Todd had no reason to drink like this. "You know I should just leave you here lying in your own vomit. It's tempting really."

Perry steadied Todd on his feet again. He gave up trying to talk to him as concern for exactly how much Todd drank became the main issue. Perry pinched Todd's bicep, waiting for a reaction; there was none. He tried it once more on Todd's arm, but again Todd didn't appear to feel the pinch.

"Todd we're getting you to a hospital, now." Perry was all doctor now. Whatever went on between them didn't matter.

"The Todd wants sleep. Can't move" Todd managed a few understandable words. "Where's JD? I love JD."

"And he loves you, which means he wouldn't want you dying from something stupid like this." Perry replied seriously, though through gritted teeth. "You're completely fucked up right now."

Todd didn't appear to hear Perry as he veered off to the side to throw up again. Perry grabbed the surgeon, knowing the sooner they got to Sacred Heart the better. Todd's weight became heavy on Perry's shoulders as they trudged towards the Porsche. Soon enough it was too much to bear. Todd collapsed onto the pavement. Perry preyed for the surgeon to be conscious, but as he attempted to rouse Todd from the passed out state, he knew it was a false hope.

Perry whipped out his cell phone and called an ambulance within seconds. He turned Todd on his side, making sure he didn't asphyxiate on vomit. Taking his jacket off, Perry wrapped it over Todd in an attempt to warm him up. Perry took note of Todd's slow breathing patterns, pressing his fingers against his wrist to feel the pulse rate.

"Come on, just hang in there." Perry looked up at the night sky, unable to believe what he was doing.

TBC